To think it shouldn’t take three sodding hours?!?

[MissingTheMissletoe]

19 month old DS has never been a good sleeper, always been quite a needy baby. He won’t sleep on his own at all and it takes anywhere between an hour and a half to three hours of me laying next to him in my bed to get him to sleep. His dad suggested doing cry it out in his cot which I refuse to do (think it’s incredibly cruel) and because I won’t do that it is only me that does bedtime.

We have a good routine, DS is always tired and chilled out by bedtime but the second I get him into bed he becomes hyper, bounces around the bed, refuses to lay still, screams at the top of his lungs if you make him lay down and I just can’t take it anymore. I want to run away, between this and never ever getting away from him at all I just can’t take it anymore. I love him but he’s more exhausting and demanding than my first two DC put together.

I know I’m not being unreasonable really, tonight I’m just feeling so angry (though I don’t know why!) and like a really really shit mum.

Sounds tough op. No advice really. Our youngest has been like this sporadically since he was born & then it seems to be every night now it’s light out 😢

I’m praying for the return of winter 😒

Does he have a comforter? Weirdly my youngest likes my fleecy dressing gown (minus the cord) & will sometimes settle when I put it in bed with him (he’s no longer a baby btw)

I don't like cry it out but I did a version of it. So I put her in her cot if she laid down and was quiet I stayed and patted her bum. If she cried I said 'it's sleep time, love you, night night' if still cried I walked out of the room. I set a timer for 2 mins (couldn't stand any longer but I am pretty sure two mins of crying isn't going to do her harm) then went back in. Repeat. Repeat repeat. I had to do it when partner away as he's softer than me but would let her cry for longer if he was feeling stubborn. She needed consistency. She was same age and we've had a year of being able to go to bed easily. Even when changed to a cot bed. First night took a while but within a week I'd cracked it!

Would he play quietly with a toy on the bed til he's calmed himself down & drops off, with you outside the ajar door meantime? Or, would he listen to an audio story with dimmed lighting while you do same outside door thing. Otherwise, for your own sanity I'd go on You Tube & watch Jo Frost, Supernanny. Usually one night of being firm & insisting despite the tantrums seems to sort it:but it is v stressful for that one night. You either sit on the landing or go back downstairs between returning them to their bed, fir as many times as it takes. The record was 33return trips & 3.5hrs but after that, sorted.

No offence op but you are being played...

@Dinomom52 tried him with every sort of comfort item imaginable from dummies to a mini basket ball that he was obsessed with for a while, he refuses them all or uses toys to keep himself awake longer/chucks them out of bed and screams if you don’t return them.

@kshaw honestly can’t do cry it out, I’m way too soft when it comes to imaging DC alone and crying and feeling abandoned, even for a couple of mins lol. This one seems to have me wrapped around his finger a lot more than the first two!

@CSIblonde he can’t have any sort of light or noise in the room or he’ll absolutely refuse to sleep, we’ve tried a couple of different white noise/soothing music/storry telling type things and he just sits there trying to chat to it (or if it’s nursery rhymes screaming at it. He really hates those 😂) Though you’ve just reminded me how I initially got my older two to go to bed/stay in bed! It’s been so long since they were last babies I’d forgot about the Joe frost method so going to give that a try, thanks!

@Yellowweatherwarning kids are expert manipulators, I have no doubt that’s what’s happening. Just couldn’t see a way through it.

Thanks for the replies everyone, feeling a bit more calm/motivated now

It's so tough, but you have to be strong. The more you give in, the more they will play you. Its not malicious, it's just they learn if they make noise you come

You got this!! Stay strong!

Is there any chance he's overtired? My DD used to take hours but has improved beyond all recognition since we moved bedtime to an hour and a half earlier.

What about pick up put down?

I don't like cry it out but I did a version of it. So I put her in her cot if she laid down and was quiet I stayed and patted her bum. If she cried I said 'it's sleep time, love you, night night' if still cried I walked out of the room. I set a timer for 2 mins (couldn't stand any longer but I am pretty sure two mins of crying isn't going to do her harm) then went back in.

Totally agree with this. I did this with my daughter - who would take upwards of an hour to fall asleep. The first night, I stood outside her room for 2 minutes, feeling utterly awful. I went back in, soothed her, went out, to start the second set of 2 minutes, and she fell asleep within a minute. I couldn't believe it. Not saying that this will be the same for you, but I think it's worth a try.

My son was like this. Mainly it got better with age but also improved with the rule: I will stay here until you sleep but you have to be trying to sleep. Any arsing around- I left the room immediately. Let them loudly complain/cry (not real hysterical crying) for a min or two then went back in and tried again, First few nights I was in and out a lot but it got better v quickly,

If you want things to change I reckon you need to get tough.

Do you lay next to him but completely ignore him? I do the same thing as you except I bf to sleep too and when he’s had enough boob or doesn’t want it yet he does the hyper jumping and rolling and climbing like we’re suddenly at softplay! Drives me insane. I’ve held him down by his shoulders to the bed before because I’ve had enough and nothing else I did would encourage him to lay down. Worst parenting so far.

If I stayed in with my daughter at bed time she would mess around for hours until she was fully exhausted, I'd also be massively depressed and fed up, I need my child free evenings!

Pick up put down?

That might work when they are 4 months old.
But not 19 months.

I used to stay in the room initially but no eye contact no commmunication apart from broken record repeating it’s sleep time if needed but nothing else. I would then sometimes say I’m just going to put washing on and go downstairs but return within 5 mins then just make it 1 min longer each time so they expected me back but didn’t know how long. Before long he’d dropped off before I returned. It was the knowing I’d come back type of thing that made it ok. Hope you sort it as it can be exhausting.

What would happen if you let him fall asleep on you, and then transferred him to his bed/cot? What are his naps like during the day? Are they too long?

My son (18 mo) is needy and we have always struggled with bedtimes. He has only once led down awake in bed, and fell asleep with me led next to him.

We have never done cry it out/controlled crying, as he didnt like sleeping a cot, and my partner didnt like to leave him crying. (I on the other hand will defo do it if we have another!)

Occasionally he is up until 9/10pm as he doesnt have a set routine or bed time! What I have found, is moving his tea time earlier, and also limiting his nap to only 1/2 hour or 45 mins in the day seems to make him tired in the evenings. So he eats tea around 5 or 5.30, have a bath, have a light snack after a bath with a bottle of milk, and I just sit and let him fall asleep on me, before taking him to him bedroom and putting him in his bed. This can be between 7 and 8, that he actually falls asleep. It took also a long time to have the evening back, as often he would go down for the 45 min cycle, and them wake up -sometimes hysterical- we would pop in his room, give him some more bottle and settle him back to sleep and repeat if needed. A camera is very useful, I didnt want to spend too much money as alot of them are over £100, however on Amazon you can get some really good deals, ours was only £30 and hooks up to an app on our phones.

Another point to think about is the room temperature. I know alot of babies are in gro bags and very warm- however my boy enjoys no covers and being only in short pjamas- any more and he sweats and wakes up.

As I said above its took a very long time to get to this happy medium, and actually it does not happen every single night! On the days when I work and hes at nursery or with family, he naps more and therefore is up til 9/10pm. In that instance he is downstairs with us playing - Ive had one too many evening spending hours and hours trying to get him to settle, and I would rather let him play and spend the energy.

I thought my boy would never settle in the evenings and have a proper bedtime, so I understand the frustrations!! But just keep looking forward and thinking- its not forever! x

How much does he understand? Mine was similar but I got strict. I also detest crying it out or any gradual extinction type methods.

However around the same age he had very good language so I was strict.

‘DC - it’s bedtime now. If you don’t lie down and listen to your story I’ll have to leave you until you’re ready’

We had audio books to listen to in the dark after a story and a light show which helped calm him.

It’s absolutely no fun OP - I truly know what you’re going through.

why put him down if he isn't tired?
Let him pootle about

I started off by holding my son’s hand until he fell asleep and if he created I would tell him I’d walk out (and follow up with it) and then return after about a minute of crying and sit next to him and hold his hand. Once that worked, I sat at the foot of the bed reading a book, and slowly night by night I’d get further to the door, and eventually out on the landing. It did take 30 minutes some nights, and he really did try it on, but eventually he gave in and went to sleep without me being upstairs with him. He is hard work though, bloody defiant, so I sympathise if you have one like him.

It's up to you isn't it? Sleep train or put up with this nonsense for x more years. There's no magic way that he's going to start sleeping if you continue doing what you're doing.

Mine did similar and as many posters have said walking out if he’s mucking about worked as did pretending to be asleep in chair next to his bed and restricting/ ditching naps

Good luck!

We've always been tough with ds 5 at bedtime,always done the same routine since he didn't need night feeds, "goodnight,love you" with a kiss and cuddle then light off and leave.
He probably would have preferred us to stay with him until dropped off but we never did,not even once.It might sound harsh but it worked/works.

19 months is too old to start crying out anyway .

I did the moving chair google it . It is more of a gradual retreat. No tears .

Not going to change until you do something different.

My little one was just like that, he was a nightmare and I was losing my mind. In the end I was reading all the sleep books out there and had tried everything so had no choice but to try cry it out (or at least a slightly gentler version of it) or face collapsing to exhaustion. I hated it. Every second. And hubby had to stop me going in his room a whole load of times... but it took two nights and he was getting himself to sleep in literally two minutes! Two nights!

He admittedly does have a comforter that I introduced at 8 months and he loves dearly, but it may not be too late. Comforters are good as there’s not much to play with but he just holds it to the side of his face and he’s happy (also good when he needs a cuddle after falling over etc)

He also has a really good, stable routine but if he has had a busy day he does get overtired and acts exactly as you described your LO - he’s all over the place. The change can happen in literally a couple of minutes and those nights we have started to struggle again as his cot bars have just come down - but it makes the distinction very clear! Maybe try starting his routine slightly earlier and see what happens?