To think it shouldn’t take three sodding hours?!?

[MissingTheMissletoe]

19 month old DS has never been a good sleeper, always been quite a needy baby. He won’t sleep on his own at all and it takes anywhere between an hour and a half to three hours of me laying next to him in my bed to get him to sleep. His dad suggested doing cry it out in his cot which I refuse to do (think it’s incredibly cruel) and because I won’t do that it is only me that does bedtime.

We have a good routine, DS is always tired and chilled out by bedtime but the second I get him into bed he becomes hyper, bounces around the bed, refuses to lay still, screams at the top of his lungs if you make him lay down and I just can’t take it anymore. I want to run away, between this and never ever getting away from him at all I just can’t take it anymore. I love him but he’s more exhausting and demanding than my first two DC put together.

I know I’m not being unreasonable really, tonight I’m just feeling so angry (though I don’t know why!) and like a really really shit mum.

Unfortunately OP you’ve made a rod for your own back from the beginning, you have to be cruel to be kind unfortunately. Very hard, but if you don’t you end up just like you are now.

When my ds was 6 weeks, he would always cry continuously when I put him in Moses basket.
When I spoke to health visitor, she said bath, bottle, bed.
That was putting Moses basket upstairs in bedroom.

I tried this, it was heartbreaking to listen to him cry. I was ready to go up, dh said NO leave him.
It took 3 nights, he was brilliant from then on.

Realise your ds is older, but I’d put him in his cot at bedtime. Obviously monitor or next bedroom whatever you think you can deal with better without going in.
Unless he is being sick, let him cry. He will without a doubt go to sleep.
You have to be strong and persistent, if not your where your at now for god knows how many more years.

Good luck

Honestly, just get a sleep consultant in.
Without any form of criticism, sometimes parents are unable to see the wood for the trees.
Someone objective will be able to identify the issues contributing to the problem. Explain what needs to be changed and either support you through by being with you in the home, or write up a plan for you and provide telephone support.
Most of the time this will be resolved within 2-3days

Dd can be the same. I have to REALLY tire her out in the day to get bedtime down to 45 mins from getting into bed. Today we went for a walk (with her walking) followed by 2 hours of her running around like a nutter at soft play, a 30 min nap, followed by play time in the house, followed by 3 hours of running around outside like a nutter because she refuses to go in the pram. Then home, dinner, she had 2 more hours of playtime and then pjs on, teeth cleaned and into bed. At nursery she sleeps for 2h30m, just to put that shite nap into perspective. But on nursery days it can take a solid 2 hours to get her to sleep. And that is feeding her to sleep.

We did sleep training at 18/19m and for us it was the perfect time. As previous posters have no doubt said, it doesn’t have to be cry it out, but he can be taught at this age without too much upset.

We used a sleepy lady for some accountability. We didn’t hear anything new from her but she basically made us accountable to her and it worked. On the second night our LG knew what was going on and by night 4 we were done and barely a tear at bedtime for over a year. Goes down awake after routine and goes to sleep in her own time while we have an evening again. Bliss.

For the sake of honesty, in the last 2 weeks we’ve had a rough time, but she’s coming on 3 now and has found fear bless her. But we used the skills from last time and were already in a much better place.

You can make this work - said sleepy lady told us it’s better to address now rather than wait til closer to 2 years as it’s much tougher.

We used to rock our LG to sleep and it was just so hard on the back and shoulders. I felt like a new person when she started sleeping!

💐 because it’s bloody shite when bedtime takes that long. I remember the frustration and dread well!

Does he still nap in the day ?
I had this problem with DS who's nearly 2 up until about 4 months ago and completely sympathise with your post ! As he still won't go to bed alone , has always used my hair as his comforter but I found dropping his nap to only once a day early on like 12-2 and waking him after 45 mins to an hour ...or more so now trying to push him through really helped and he started to go down for the night when I brought bed time a touch earlier and made it 6:30-7 . Had my little girl in March and she has fallen into the same pattern so they are both down and go through x

OP I made a strange discovery.

I had the same problem as you, and eventually I had HAD ENOUGH.

For his own safety (because I was going to kill him) I put him in his cot and shut the door and walked away.

Turns out? That was what he wanted from the beginning. He had actually been crying night after night after night because he needed the peace to fall asleep. Honestly try it even for one night.

@ScreamingLady this is why I never stayed with my ds,I thought well how can you sleep with someone in the room? And yep it worked

Our son has never been a good sleeper, he was alright going down but would didn't sleep,through until about 14months. Everyone was saying I should do cry it out, but it just wasn't for me, I really didn't want to do it all, so I completely understand where you are coming from.

we just waited until he was ready to sleep through, and he did.
They are still only new in the big wide world and some need more of a handholding than others, and I was happy to do that.

I don't think making him lie down is probably helping as it may be frustrating him more, can you sit in the bed next to him, holding his hand and read him his story, if he jumps around, let go of his hand and leave the room or turn your back on him telling him "if he's jumping you're leaving".

If he gets comfortable with hand holding, Start retreating to the door bit by bit, so he can still see you for reassurance but there's no contact.

It can be so tough knowing what to do for the best, you are certainly not a shit mum, and you are probably feeling angry with frustration if you are doing every night time. Would your husband not do it just twice a week, or is it because he doesn't agree with your methods he won't do it ?

How is it not cruel to let a child cry for 3,5 hours because they're overtired. They need to go to sleep, you just put them in their cot tell them it's sleepy time and go downstairs.

Read “the no cry sleep solution”

And tell dh to google the negative effects of cio

You don’t need to cry it out but you can try controlled crying - tell D.C. what’s going to happen before bed time then leave DC in bed, let him cry, go in after x minutes. Re-settle, then start again. This is not cruel. This is giving your child the tools to self settle. If you don’t point them in the right direction they might never get to figure it out on their own. It’s hard word, but not cruel.

My DD has always been like this. She rarely naps during the day. She's been through the odd patch where I think she's growing where she'll sleep, but otherwise not. So, I know some people think the following is a bad idea, and please don't think I know what I'm doing, because I am bumbling about like you. However:

• try to get to the baby before the manic bit. The manic bit is him telling you he doesn't know what to do. He's overtired. If you can, scoop him up in the magic space when he's tired but not overtired.

• Frankly, I find inducing sleep works, because I am an imperfect human being. DD naps if she's driven around, so we did that, for three weeks. The fourth week, DP said 'do you want to go in the car or go to sleep' and she went down! But, she is 27 months. At 19 months, I could not have done this. I think DD is quite behind, so it may be yours will do it - but if not, keep it in mind for later?

I honestly believe all this stuff about 'I was strict and it helped' is bollocks. I can believe it works short term, but that's hardly surprising! What we need to know is what happens afterwards, and after that.

I did controlled crying with DD1. She’s now 18, off to uni and a happy girl. Don’t fret too much. If you’re feeling at the end of your tether, dealing with this will quickly move you both into better times.

@CSIblonde I don’t care how crazy this sounds, i sodding love you right now!!!! 69 times I put him back to bed but he’s alseep and barely made a fuss about it at all!!! I’m so happy I could cry, first time since he was born I’ve not spent hours laying in bed next to him getting kicked and hit and screamed at because he wants out of bed!!!

I've just started a sleep training method tonight.
We've tried everything. The crying it out where you leave the room didn't work. 2 hours later my LO would be hysterical and still standing in the cot.
I was loathed to do anything else that cause distress but nothing is working and we were going insane.
The one we've used you sit next to the cot and repeat only one phrase "sleepy time" and pat them if needed. I used a watch and every 10 mins lay the LO down. Mine stood for the full time and I thought we'd be there all night. At 40 mins my 4th time of putting her down she was too tired to protest and fell asleep. There were tears and it wasn't nice but it was 43 minutes. The best result yet.

Oh I'm so sorry OP but I got to this stage with my eldest. He was 20 months and only slept on my chest. I would wake up with rib pain. We did do controlled crying in the end. It was horrible. But it was 3 nights tops of crying and then he would peacefully sleep on his own, Vs 20 months of crying and getting worked up and us getting exhausted.

I honestly thought he would hate me that first morning, but he just seemed happy and rested.

Keep it up.
As said above - you have been played.
Take control.
He stays in his bed and that is it.
End of. No more horseshit.
You are the boss.

Well done op, tomorrow will be quicker. You’re in charge.

Sleep specialist told us the kiss and return method sometimes called rapid return, it’s what super nanny jo jo does , it horrendous first night / week but gets better oh will have to support you in this
You can’t give up an hour let alone longer of precious adult time to this

Thanks to everyone for your advice and support, sorry if I’ve not replied directly I’m just blooming exhausted now!

Definitely need to take back control, not just bedtime we’re having an issue with anymore but it’s definitely the largest issue. No idea when I went so soft, older two DC never got away with as much as DS does! He’s been running rings around me the last few months but tonight’s success has definitely made me realise it’s time to stop being such a push over!

@Nofunkingworriesmate that’s pretty much the method I used tonight, took about an hour but he’s out for the count now and not woke up since

My first would only go to sleep by being breastfed. Daddy took over patting him as he lay in his cot. I sat downstairs with my fingers in my ears. In under a week he had learned that bedtime was bedtime.
So my suggestion is to let father take over.

Try a sleep consultant?

That's fantastic OP. Glad it worked!!

Glad you had a good night long may it continue