Giving up work to be a kid again

[Frugalfox]

My step son is 20 and has a full time job. He has no special needs.

He’s just told us that he wants to give up work to enjoy still being a kid. My first reaction was to tell him he’s not a kid anymore which he agreed with but went onto say that he wanted to enjoy life while he still could.

He genuinely thinks that we’ll pay for him to “enjoy life”!

His dad is not reacting to this news, he rarely gets involved in anything that means conflict.

SS is very young for his age, he was recently spending time with his 12 year old cousin and apart from the physical differences there was very little that separated their attitude and behaviour.

I told him he needed to grow up and start to take responsibility for himself. If he gives up work how is he going to support himself? He still lives with mum and insists on retaining the child contact agreement that was put in place for him when he was 10 by staying with us EOW.

Was I/am I being unreasonable?

good post dreamingofsun. Young people are all different, some more ambitious, some more laid back. Its very difficult to answer OP exactly, because there are so many variations of personality and circumstances. Its important not to bankroll a destructive of self-indulgent lifestyle (?!), but OTOH thinking of my own family it was quite push-push-push and "work ethic" and I'm not sure it was all that helpful in the medium or long term. A supportive chat about possibilities, and the future would have been more helpful in my case. Maybe that would be a good place to start OP? (p.s. I wouldn't feel envious of students today £30k - £50k + debt for the privilege of a 'summer holiday')

Reminds me of the scene in step brothers were dale refers to himself as 'a stay at home son'

flossie

You don’t like him, do you?

Where did you get that from? Is it just a shitty attempt at step-mother bashing? Pathetic.

My 34 yr leads a blended adult and child like life.
His work is camp based and rotation is two weeks in, two weeks out.
When he works it’s long hard shifts, when out it’s a lot of fun and games.
Sky dives, martial arts, hockey, road trips etc.
It’s possible to remain child like yet work
Btw he own his own home.

I do wonder if there is something more going on so that developmentally he is more like a 12 year old.

Draw up a list of rules for his EOW child stays.

Bedtime at 9pm, an hour of screentime a day, a star chart for his behaviour, fish fingers for dinner, no phone and a fiver a week pocket money.

Does he drive?

If he’s hating his job, is further study out of the question?

I hated school and left when I was sixteen. But that was before I found out the glories of shelf stacking.

When I went back to studying I loved it so much, I hated the holidays. And I now have a job that I really love.

I think he needs to finance himself, unless he is studying. He could travel and work for a change. But staying at home to play Xbox and financed by mum and dad will only be harmful.

At 20 I think you can still be a kid.

Obviously there are some financial constraints, but can't he work part-time or, as knitclubchatter's ds does, do a contract-type job where there is more free time?

At 20 you can still do Camp America, or work in a holiday resort somewhere, or all manner of jobs which are not straight 9-5 endeavours.

You say he has no sn but his behaviour does seem odd, I would be suspecting that he may be on the spectrum or may have some kind of mental health issue. My SS was acting similar to this and then had a total breakdown around the age of 19/20, he ended up being diagnosed with a mental health condition.

I’m not sure there’s much you can do other than refuse to fund his workless lifestyle, your dh can offer to be their for him emotionally but not financially.

Oh, and in true MN style people are quick to judge OP by saying she doesn’t like her SS 🙁. As step parents we are expected not to say a bad word about our SDC on mumsnet.

He doesn't pay us any rent (I wouldn't expect him to as he's not with us that often)

Well, start charging him then, the immature prat.

It’s possible to remain child like yet work

A nice way to be/live in many ways.

I do see what he means.
He is at rather an in between stage in his life.
Not in a position to live on his own and be independent but expected to behave as an adult.

Does he have a girlfriend/boyfriend?

He’ll have far more fun in life if he grows up and earns some money and takes opportunities that come his way. His attitude is rather sad! He should be full of vim and vigour at 20.

(this is obviously not in relation to young people with spectrum issues)

I think it would likely be more constructive and helpful to talk with him and get to the bottom of why he feels this way and explore together how that could be addressed, rather than just telling him to grow up and that he can't quit his job.

There is quite obviously much more going on here for him. Posters calling him immature and lazy are being simplistic and unhelpful.

I don't think timelines and milestones and comparisons with whe he'd be if he went to university, or needing to "compensate" for not going, is particularly helpful. Young people don't take such fixed paths now, and they don't need to. Just focus on what's right for him. There is plenty of time for him to shoulder responsibility!

How old was he when his parents separated? What were things like at home before then? After then? How was his relationship with each of them? What else was going on for him growing up?

I don't expect you to tell us, but they are factors to consider. It sounds a little like someone who is trying to find a sense of security they felt as a child but lost prematurely. (I mean from all the aspects you've shared on how he seems "young", not just this decision).

Whatever it is, there's something more complex at work here than being "work shy". Getting on his case and attacking him won't fix it.

I think there are two different issues.

1. He may well be making a mistake. Maybe a careers sesion or a chat from you/dad will help him consider his longer term goals.

1. He expects other people to fund his lifestyle. That's where you and DH have to agree how much of your budget you are willing to spend on DSS and for how long. Also, when you plan to turn off the money tap, how will you tell him, when will you tell him?

He's actually a pretty bright lad, he's very good socially, outstanding at sports and a good learner. There are no SEN, he's just grown up in a cotton wool environment where it's ok to be childlike into adulthood.

That may sound a bit harsh, and my own experience was far from ideal but does make me a little, perhaps unreasonably, critical. I left home at 17, moved to the other end of the country and worked my ass off. I was running my own home by 19 and married at 21. As I said, not ideal as there was a lot of unpleasantness, but it does make me critical of a 20 year old wanting to be a child.

There's some really helpful responses. We definitely need to sit down with him and discuss this further.

Don’t allow your husband to make you take the wicked step mother role.

You are not a parent in this scenario - your discussion is not with the son, it’s with the dad.

Your step son can do what he wants, but you understandably do not want to pay for it. Keep saying that’s to your husband - not to his son.

What age was he when his parents divorced? Its interesting you say he is still sticking to the 'contact arrangement' put in place for when his parents were responsible for contact. Perhaps he doesn't want everyone to move on and say goodbye to what hes holding on to and his family. If hes not working his mum and dad will have to continue to relate to each other to discuss how they support their son. Are there other siblings or is he an only child?

He was 10 when they divorced, he has a younger brother.

There won’t be any contact about finances with the ex wife. If he does decide to throw away his job then he’ll be negotiating how he funds his lifestyle. DH pays CM for the younger brother as agreed in the financial settlement. There’s no discussion, it’s just paid until the end date.

Has he thought about re-doing his A levels and then doing a degree? Now he’s been working for 2 yrs he might have changed his mind about studying.

One of my friends re did his A levels when he was 28. He was sick of shit work and now has a very successful career.

@JoyceJeffries that’s something I wish I’d done! I hated exams and school but really wish I’d had the opportunity to go back later in life.

I don’t think DSS is at that stage yet, he’s still at the hating school stage.

It might be worth planting a seed in his mind.

Has he thought about doing something like working on a cruise ship or a summer job abroad? Might help him grow up a bit whilst still having fun.

I travelled all over Australia for a year just doing bar work. I had a blast.

I can totally understand the wanting to give up work thing. His official retirement age is 68 so he’s got another 48 yrs of it. He just can’t expect to be bank rolled as he comes to terms with how crap being an adult can be.

To be fair, work is hugely overrated.

That doesn’t solve the issue of where he’ll get money from. But working and being an adult is pretty crap.