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AIBU?

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Original poster

Giving up work to be a kid again

85 replies

Frugalfox · 20/07/2019 15:04

My step son is 20 and has a full time job. He has no special needs.

He’s just told us that he wants to give up work to enjoy still being a kid. My first reaction was to tell him he’s not a kid anymore which he agreed with but went onto say that he wanted to enjoy life while he still could.

He genuinely thinks that we’ll pay for him to “enjoy life”!

His dad is not reacting to this news, he rarely gets involved in anything that means conflict.

SS is very young for his age, he was recently spending time with his 12 year old cousin and apart from the physical differences there was very little that separated their attitude and behaviour.

I told him he needed to grow up and start to take responsibility for himself. If he gives up work how is he going to support himself? He still lives with mum and insists on retaining the child contact agreement that was put in place for him when he was 10 by staying with us EOW.

Was I/am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 15:29

I can’t see any dripping of anything. Just completely understandable and reasonable frustration that a young adult refuses to grow up and thinks the world owes him a living.

Knitclubchatter · 20/07/2019 15:31

Wait a minute here, plenty of young people don’t have steady work at that age and travel the world.
I’d want to know more about what being a kid entails. What are some of his buddies doing?

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 15:35

Plenty of young people work their arse off to save up the money to go travelling if that’s what they want. This sounds like a very entitled young man who just wants to laze about all day.

Lovewineandchocs · 20/07/2019 15:40

alsohuman I agree. I’d want to know what he means by “being a kid”. A 16 year old is a kid, yet plenty of them have part time jobs and finance their fun. For a 20 year old to announce that he wants to give up his job to be a kid again is pretty bizarre, unless he proposes to take up a series of temporary jobs while travelling around the world, or going to university or something. Could he have been fired from his job and not want his parents to know?

sonjadog · 20/07/2019 15:40

Nah, I don't see any sign that you dislike him at all. I think that is a poster seeing what they want to see.

Is he frightened about becoming an adult? I work with late teens and some of them approach adulthood as something scary that they would like to avoid if they could. Maybe he needs you to talk it over with him and make a plan for the next few years that will increase his independence? So no, don't just give him money, but maybe help him on the way to doing something that will give him his independence?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 15:40

plenty of young people don’t have steady work at that age and travel the world.

Except this guy does have steady work that he wants to give up to do nothing. Not travel and gain some life experience. He just wants to be a kid. Confused

cleofatra · 20/07/2019 15:43

Sounds like he needs to have someone sit down with him to give him some guidance around what he really wants to do re work etc. It sounds like he feels trapped/enslaved by work and isn't enjoying it, missing out on life. He needs to have that chat about finding his passion for a future career.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2019 15:44

Who does he plan to hang around with?

In any case, you and your husband and his ex just have to say that they won't be funding him and that he'll have to continue to pay his rent.

Windyone · 20/07/2019 15:48

I’d say well OK, let’s sit down so you can show us your plan. What will you be doing and how will it be paid for. Maybe he’d enjoy going travelling like lots of young folk but he’ll need to show how he’s going to pay for it.

littlepaddypaws · 20/07/2019 15:49

hopefully continually has gone now instead of stirring up the pot.
i agree, it is hard becoming an adult but it has to be learnt and has to be done, there is no choice in the matter. but he needs support in the form of a talk with him to find out what's really going on, dad needs to get on board big time with this, being so laid back about it isn't going to help anyone, dh needs to back you up op, it's his son after all.

Etino · 20/07/2019 15:50

What about facilitating him doing ICS? So you’d support him but he needs some routine and an income but has the 3 months to look forward to.
Choosing to just sack off work and ‘be a kid’ sounds like a very swift route to depression.

Original poster
Frugalfox · 20/07/2019 15:50

He doesn't pay us any rent (I wouldn't expect him to as he's not with us that often), he pays his mum a very small amount. He has a lot of disposable income at the moment.

A lot of his friends did go to Uni, which means he doesn't have many around of his own age group. I think he's feeling envious they have the long summer holidays off while he's working. I'm hoping that's all this is and we can talk to him about how it will be for them when they graduate. He'll have three years work experience under his belt by then (hopefully).

I just hope it's a phase. I know he's not enjoying his job at the moment but rather than throw it away "to be a kid" it would be much better if he could change jobs.

OP posts:
HeadintheiClouds · 20/07/2019 15:51

Enjoy still being a kid? At twenty... A clear case of arrested development, how could be still describe himself as a kid Grin

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 20/07/2019 15:52

How odd. As long as he funds himself and doesn't expect hand outs then I suppose he could be a kid again. I know a lot of people who did a few ski seasons during and after uni but crucially they had a uni qualification in dentistry/ etc and could easily get a lucrative job.
Quite a worrying attitude though.
My sister tried work briefly after school. Didn't like it, got pregnant at 19, and hasn't worked a day in her 45yo life since. She's an artist and seems to believe the world owes her a living.

NC4Now · 20/07/2019 15:52

He probably rather fancies the student life but doesn’t know how to attain it. If he’s hating his job, is further study out of the question?

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 20/07/2019 15:55

If he's not at Uni, he could take a couple of years off but PAY for them HIMSELF!

seasonal work in a holiday destination, entertainment (sport or other) in holiday resort, hospitality, backpacking picking up jobs on the way.
Of course he can enjoy himself - but like a 20 year old kid. Not a 5 year old.

If he's not in the mood to build a career now, that's fine, he should go travelling, have a blast, experience other countries and hard work. It's never too late to pick up "serious" work back in England later.

Watching tv or playing videos games on all day on mummy's sofa would just make him a loser.

Original poster
Frugalfox · 20/07/2019 15:57

He always hated school and flunked his A levels. Study isn't for him and we supported this and were over the moon when he landed his job. It's a good one for his age and zero experience. From the reports we're hearing he's also very good at it.

It's always been my concern that he's very young for his age. He's afraid of the dark, screams the house down when spiders are around, plays endless xBox. None of this is a big worry on it's own but combined with this new statement it's all a big worry.

OP posts:
NurseButtercup · 20/07/2019 16:03

. I think he's feeling envious they have the long summer holidays off while he's working.

I completely understand - if I didn't have bills to pay and life stuff (adulting) to deal with I would down tools from 1st June until mid-September. I'd pootle around in my garden and go for drives in the countryside and walks along the beach.

You mentioned he's unhappy in his current job - has he thought/tried applying for different jobs? Or has he given any thought to travelling and discovering the world.

1CarefulLadyOwner · 20/07/2019 16:04

Is there any way that his work would give him a sabbatical?
Would he be able to handle/appreciate a year's travel or volunteering overseas?
What exactly does he mean by "being a kid"? What would his reaction be if you started treating him like one?
I can appreciate that he might feel as if he has missed out on some of the more tangible social aspects of being a student, but you are more than right to stress the fact that he is gaining valuable work experience. I also don't think it would do any harm to sit down and discuss how he is going to finance this, even work out what he has available and how far it would go (for how long).
Someone who is 20 and has been working for a few years cannot just "regress" without any consequences.
If his plan is to laze around all day (which is possibly what he perceives as being "the student life") I would suggest getting hold of a student timetable for a subject in a related field and show him that there is very little opportunity for "lazing" between lectures, seminars, tutorials, essays, practicals, research/reading and a part-time job to fund it all!

dreamingofsun · 20/07/2019 16:04

some of my kids are more ambitious and hard working than others.....i say kids but they are all 20's now. we have taken the approach that now they are post 18 what they do with their lives is their concern. However, they have to bear the consequences, ie we don;t back-roll them. (though in reality we do sometimes but only when we decide to).

I think someone needs a frank discussion with him about being post 18. he cant just decide he wants to be a kid, thats not how it works and if you and his parents enable this you wont be doing him any favours in the LT

so for example, our son's have always paid rent post 18 unless they are in FT education....even if they are out of work. Why shouldnt they contribute since they are now adults?

HistoryTide2 · 20/07/2019 16:08

what country, Malyshek, are you at liberty to say, I'm a little curious.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 16:08

My sister tried work briefly after school. Didn't like it, got pregnant at 19, and hasn't worked a day in her 45yo life since. She's an artist and seems to believe the world owes her a living.

Yep. My sister just never left home. She finished finished FE college at 20 and has worked a total of 2 years since. She’s 32 now. Still lives at home in her childhood bedroom. My mum still does her laundry. Hmm

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 16:10

I should say that her reason is she “just can’t find the right job”

NC4Now · 20/07/2019 16:10

Are you sure there’s no SEN?

Blondebakingmumma · 20/07/2019 16:12

It’s not your choice if he works or not. However it is your choice to pay for his choice. Make it perfectly clear to him and his mum (through DP) that you will not be financially supporting him. He then can choose how to live his life