to have said this re my friend not being like a single mum?

[namechangedtohelpyou]

I am a single mum. Lone parent. Left domestic abuse. Raised my son for the last few months on my own. He's 8 months old and I'm exhausted (but love motherhood regardless!).

With a couple of friends today. One has 2 kids, one has 1 aged 1. The friend who has one aged 1 made a comment saying she feels like a lone parent and that it's so hard as her DP is away 3 nights a week (but has 3.5 days off work and at home every week too!). I don't know if she just didn't think, but she went on, and on, and on about how hard it is practically being a single parent and how amazing it is when her DP comes home and runs her baths and takes the baby.

I said 'youre not really a single parent though are you?' - that's it, that's all I said. She went in to a proper Huff and hasn't spoken to me since!

WIBU to say this?

YANBU, Op. I’m in a relationship (with my dd’s dad) and even though he works a lot, it’s realky not the same as being a single parent at all. That must be really tough and you have all my admiration and support.

I made the mistake of saying this one time to my DH when my twins first came home from NICU. I was tired, stressed and he didn’t really want to get involved much (or so it seemed at the time). Despite the difficulties we had I felt like a dick the moment the words fell out of my mouth.

YANBU she is being daft with her choice of phrasing. If she’d just said I wish DH were around more to help as I find it stressful/difficult (or whatever) when he’s away that would be fine, most could sympathise and I’m guessing that is what she was after. But to compare it to being a single parent is ignorant at best.

She probably got the huff because she felt she was entitled to some support, but you were correct to challenge her, I have a very good friend who is an amazing single mum and I am in awe of her. She will happily sympathise with what difficulties I face as I do her. But wouldn’t dream of comparing our situations as it’s just not comparable.

I can sort of understand how your friend felt if she's having to deal with all/most of the childcare.

But I'm a single parent myself, and I can tell the difference. Everytime I want to take a shower and I just hope baby doesn't need anything during that time. Or when I need a break but hey, tough luck, I'm alone. Also live in a foreign country so can't rely on friends /family. In a pinch, I have awesome colleagues, but that's not quite the same.

You're reasonable and I'm sure your friend is embarrassed. She probably just needed to vent. I wouldn't hold it against her, unless she's being a jerk about the whole thing.

I fear I would have made a sarcastic remark to her, OP!
I was widowed with two babies still in nappies, and was a single parent for their entire childhood, while holding down a challenging job as a hospital doctor, and with no relatives within 250 miles.
I had one weekend away from the DC in 16 years, and was permanently exhausted and grieving.
It most definitely is NOT comparable with any woman whose DH is still alive but works away part of the time. Let’s hope your friend ponders these things in her heart and realised she’s been a tit. You may get a belated apology.

The issue here is not whether your friend is a single mother or not. It is the fact that she suffers from foot in mouth disease. Once she realised that you were offended by her comment she should have just apologised and taken it back. We have all said the wrong thing at the wrong time but instead of saying sorry she just stormed off in a huff. She needs to grow the fuck up acknowledge when she is wrong.

YANBU
DH works away a lot too and it is not the same.

It is not just about physically doing the daily jobs. It is the feeling you have someone who has your back, who can share the financial and emotional burden of parenting.

It is hard work when he is away but incomparable to shouldering every responsibility myself.

YANBU
That was silly and insensitive of her and you're entitled to be put out by her comment. Her OH being away 3 nights per week is nothing in comparison to your situation, especially given what you've been through.
Some people are just crazily self absorbed!

I'm a single parent but my ex is still really involved with the kids so I get a break regularly and financially it's fine. But not having anyone to share the emotional and mental load with is the hardest. If I had a partner who worked away I would have someone to speak to at the end of the day, to share the decisions with and to provide emotional support, if at a distance. Tbh the day to day chores are not the hardest part of it, for me anyway.

Well done for doing it all by yourself . She should apologise for being a tit .Of she doesn’t then,it’s no great loss.

She just wasn't thinking and put her foot in it. She was probably then very embarrassed when you pulled her up on it!

YANBU.

I get these ‘I know what it’s like’ comments from women whose husbands are out of the house 7am-7pm 🙄 - my DH is dead. He never answers the phone. He’s never home late, because he’s never home 😭

I’m so glad you left your abusive relationship.

My DH worked away for days at a time, yes it was tough having to juggle the practical stuff (school runs etc) everything on my but at least we still had two incomes coming and if god forbid if anything did happen he would be back home in a shot.

Then he died. They certainly are not comparable, at least I knew my DH would come home and be able to help out. That never happens now. And I now had sole responsibility of everything, esp finances.

I think she is entitled to feel how she feels. She said she felt like a single parent. She didn't say she was one.

I became a widow when my kids were 4 and 6. I met a woman at work and in conversation about children and how hard it can be I told her this. She immediately said ‘oh I know exactly what it’s like my husband works away during the week’. I was flabbergasted. She still had no idea how unbelievably insensitive that was.

This is the misconception of being a single parent that in the main it is the lack of someone running you a bath or taking over from you at the end of a crap day.
*
When you are single and alone the crushing weight of financial and sole responsibility to keep the small humans alive weighing on you, you don’t get time to give too many fucks about the bath. The bath is the least of your worries*

This^ a million times over!

I fucking hate it when women say they feel like a single parent!

They ... have ... no ... idea!

Probably horribly embarrassed- I have always bitten my tongue when I have wanted to scream "you don't have a fucking clue!!" At such thoughtless blather. People really have no idea of the long-term drudgery of it ☕️

YADNU
As a single parent I hate these types of comments.
Hopefully she's realised and is embarrassed but with these types of people, probably annoyed with you

YANBU. She sounds thoughtless and self absorbed. She gets more support then lots of people l know. I know some people think parenthood should be 1 long pity party!

Isn't the proper term for women whose husbands are away, "grass widow"?

There are such a variety of circumstances in being a single parent. How much do we all have in common?

I don't recognise myself in a lot of the descriptions of hardships here. I only had one child, was glad to be rid of my ex and had reasonable, not brilliant support from the state. Some women are on their own with four children, some get a huge amount of help from their families, some get none, etc. etc.

I don't think YABU at all, I used to hear this from a colleague who had a DH that worked long hours so the family could live a financially very comfortable lifestyle and facilitated her only working a few hours pw.

What I think is so important to recognise is that nobody should generalise or make assumptions about the situations of others.

I left an abusive and controlling ex-husband in 2014 when my boys were just 3 and 6. Long story short he was FURIOUS I dared to leave him and through pure rage applied to the courts for full custody. Because the abuse had not been physical every other sort of abuse but, he was careful not to create "evidence", the courts ruled 50:50 shared care. Devastated was not the word.

Not only was I left without my kids for half of the time but because of 50:50 ex did/does not have to pay any maintenance whatsoever. I was working 3 hours a week as a teacher when I left, he was earning in excess of £105k pa. I had nowhere to live so stayed with parents for 6 weeks until I found a damp and tiny two-bed to rent privately (my school were amazing and I pushed my hours up to 16 pw). Ex remained in the five-bed executive family home. We were in that place for five years until I met my now fiance and we rent a bigger three-bed together now. Financially things are obviously easier now I have my fiance but he's a low earner so it's still a struggle with two growing boys and no money from ex.

I guess what I am trying to say is that would you class me as a lone parent? Shared parenting with a controlling narcissist is impossible at times and if I'm totally honest I sometones envy the fact that I don't have the same freedom to make decisions about my boys that ft lone parents do.

However, I fully recognise that a ft lone parent would perhaps feel envious of the fact I have so much child-free time which had afforded me the opportunity to develop my relationship with my fiancè (who had no bio children) and to have some "me" time etc.

Conversely, I also at times feel envious of anybody who doesn't have to be without their kids for up to 11 days at a time-they're 9 and 12 now and it still hurts like hell.

It would personally offend me if a ft lone parent said to me that I am not a "true" lone parent because I do often really feel like I'm not a "real" mum and this isn't through choice. My many battles and difficulties are just different ones.

I guess it's all about a mutual respect for one another and trying not to make it a case of questioning who has the hardest parenting struggle if that makes sense?

First of all, good for you! I'm glad you broke free and feel good, knackered, but good!

There's no reason for her to go into a huff. It's very immature and makes your relationship awkward. She should look at the big picture, we all say things from time to time, that we wish we hadn't and it's a shame to spoil a friendship.

Good on you for saying something.

I can't stand people who say they are like a single parent, especially when they are saying it because their child's other parent is away working. Even in the rare circumstance that the partner is ZERO help in the home - they have the benefit of either a second income in the household OR they are being financially supported by someone and don't need to work or rely on benefits. Single parents are genuinely on their own, it's not just about who is there to do bath time.

YANBU - 10 years as a lone parent and what was left of my MH after xh played on my insecurities became far worse thanks to the constant worry about money and everything being my responsibility - and no praise if did well just judgement on me if it went wrong.
I look back at the positives though - we have a fantastic relationship now, and did some things that have changed the course of her life all through cheap/free things I found to do, so it was worth it in the end...... but the dickish ‘I am just like a lone parent because’ still make me seethe (and when you are told your dd is lucky because she comes home from school to an empty house each evening and doesn’t have the distractions of her dad and sister being there so will get on with homework, it feel as if her dd was being excluded from family life if she went upstairs to study........)

You are right OP, but people don't like being told that they have no reason to complain! That's why she's in a huff.

My god, as a single parent, this would really tick me off.