to have said this re my friend not being like a single mum?

[namechangedtohelpyou]

I am a single mum. Lone parent. Left domestic abuse. Raised my son for the last few months on my own. He's 8 months old and I'm exhausted (but love motherhood regardless!).

With a couple of friends today. One has 2 kids, one has 1 aged 1. The friend who has one aged 1 made a comment saying she feels like a lone parent and that it's so hard as her DP is away 3 nights a week (but has 3.5 days off work and at home every week too!). I don't know if she just didn't think, but she went on, and on, and on about how hard it is practically being a single parent and how amazing it is when her DP comes home and runs her baths and takes the baby.

I said 'youre not really a single parent though are you?' - that's it, that's all I said. She went in to a proper Huff and hasn't spoken to me since!

WIBU to say this?

Is it possible she is hiding the true state of her marriage? When my DS was a few months old, my DH moved away for work and visited every second weekend. At least that was the official story. In reality he had relapsed very badly into a drink and drug problem during my pregnancy and we were separated while he accepted the extent of his problem and sought treatment. I was still trying to leave the door open for him to recover and resume our marriage so I didn't want anyone outside of our very immediate families to know the truth.

He never did get better and the reality is that I was always a single parent even though it took me years to admit that to anyone outside of my immediate family.

She should have just said that she finds life hard at times without adding the bit about her being life a single parent. She’s allowed to moan, we all are because let’s face it life is hard but she wasn’t really fair to say she’s like a single mum, especially to a woman that is!

YANBU. She sounds self absorbed and clueless. She's mad because she got pulled up on it, albeit gently gently.

Motherhood is not a competition. There are no prizes for the Mother who struggles the most. Her remarks were perhaps insensitive knowing you are an actual single Mother but I don’t think she was wrong to complain about her DH not being around much.

Good for you for speaking up.
I’ve always been alone. Single parent. Awful times. Alone at the birth and onwards. It’s absolutely nothing like having a partner who works away. I’ve never spoken up for myself. Just built up resentment inside. Good for you and well done for managing.

YANBU

What Pookie said is SPOT ON:
*This is the misconception of being a single parent that in the main it is the lack of someone running you a bath or taking over from you at the end of a crap day.

When you are single and alone the crushing weight of financial and sole responsibility to keep the small humans alive weighing on you, you don’t get time to give too many fucks about the bath. The bath is the least of your worries*

OP YANBU in this situation, but as someone who has been married with DC, been single with DC, and now remarried with a DH who has his own children, I can say that being a single parent was a lot less hard than being in a relationship with the father of the DC. If the partner is not engaged then not only do you have to do all the stuff that a single parent does, but you have to factor in another person...it's actually more work.

It comes down to the quality of the relationship and the expectations of the respective partners. I can actually imagine it being harder to be the one who is alone with the Dc half the week and then still having all the responsibility and having to factor in another emotionally needy person for some of the time.

I remember standing in the garden on a summer evening laughing and hugging myself with relief once we got our own place after my first marriage ended. He was never abusive, just self-orientated. Lots of relationships do, sadly, work like this, so a woman who is a sole parent for most of the time is still the 'manager of the home' all the time but just has an extra person to factor in when their DH is around. TBH it can be harder than being alone, when you get to make the decisions and work them through.

It isn't a competition. It may be that your friend was trying to empathise/discuss a shared challenge. If she's a friend who is usually worth keeping maybe get in touch and try to reconnect OP. She may not have meant to minimize your efforts, but rather share her own struggles.

Yadnbu. She was being a dick and is likely embarrassed with the realisation

Sounds as if your friend actually has it better than many mother’s with difficult husbands/partners who do not travel. In fact partners who are home 24/7 because of unemployment would seem a nightmare to me. She has time when she can live to her own timetable, not bother to be home with a meal on the table etc as long as her DC is provided for.
And how many women can depend on their child’s father to help out even if she feels under the weather? To be charitable she just hasn’t thought this through and should have off loaded her frustrations in another way. So I guess the poster above is correct in thinking your friend felt a bit guilty/silly re her insensitivity. If she raises the subject again agree that it is bloody hard trying to parent without support and leave it at that. Guess be are all blinkered at times and come across as plonkers.
Good luck to yourself. You have expressed that wonderful feeling of freedom once you’ve left an abusive relationship that outweighs the hardships.

I find it a lot easier parenting solo than in a difficult relationship but it’s still bloody hard work

Indeed and this is why I never complained about being a single mother, in itself.

Like you, OP, I was just so glad not to have his negative influence in my life, but some women have a man who, instead of helping, expects services and they have to put their energy into protecting themselves and their children too.

So sorry, I don't think single mothers deserve pity. I think all mothers deserve decent support in this world.

she was very rude

YANBU. I don't for a minute doubt that it can be tough if your DH works away, but it is not the same as having sole responsibility for your kids 24/7. That means some responsibility for finances, domestics, emotions, school etc etc. My DCs see their dad and he pays me minimal maintenance but I'm aware I've got it better than some single parents. Nonetheless he's a self-absorbed twat who never really concerns himself with them any more than he has to and only really besties himself if he's got a chance to point score over me. It's never ending. I wish people would think a bit more before opening their mouths.

You are not wrong, but tbh for the time her partner is away she is a single parent, both of you are doing all the childcare.

"for the time her partner is away she is a single parent, both of you are doing all the childcare."

Yeah, and for the time a man is fat, he's a woman, because he's got boobs!

So she's a single parent for 3.5 days of the week? Yeah. Ok.

But if there was a major disaster she could call her DH and he'd be there in a heart beat, if she had any concerns she can chat them through on the phone with her DH, single parents don't have that luxury. As I said upthread, the only time my ex concerns himself about the DC is if he thinks he can get one over on me...I can't rely on him for ANYTHING.

You are not wrong, but tbh for the time her partner is away she is a single parent, both of you are doing all the childcare.

Oh ffs she still has her dp at the end of a phone/video call to talk to about the kids, life et all. He is still working for them all to have a decent life.

Op like the rest of us has sfa help and support 24/7, 365 days a year.

3.5 days a week is nothing when you know there is someone out there who loves you and your kids and will support you when you need it and is working to provide for the family, who comes home and mucks in with parenting and household stuff.

I dont want pity either just dont want to hear crap about how hard it is to have to parent your child alone for a few hours a week! (and I am quite capable of running a bath for myself! I dont need a man to do it for me!)

Oh I hate that. You’re a single parent but have the wages of a 2 parent household, the ability to ring your partner and cry/scream/ask advice.
Carrying the guilt and worry and emotion all on your own is exhausting

Yeah, YANBU. FWIW I’m also a lone parent (by choice, which makes things a bit different for me) and I think what’s frustrating about the ‘I’m like a single parent’ comments isn’t that single parents have the hardest life ever and nobody else is allowed to complain about feeling overburdened and unsupported, it’s that it’s a really inaccurate comparison and makes you realise how much the person saying it just doesn’t understand the day-to-day reality of your life.

And yes, there are of course vastly different experiences of both lone parenthood and joint parenthood, but there are some definite commonalities. The fact that some women have shit partners doesn’t detract from that.

I meant to add - the one which always irks me is ‘oh, I bet your family help out loads’. Always a propos of fucking nothing and always from bitter resentful women who feel their partner doesn’t pull their weight. DC2 spent a grand total of eight hours in the care of anyone but me in her whole first YEAR, and most of those were so that DC1 could have me to himself for a little bit, but sure, keep telling me how much my family help out. 🙄
(And I’m actually very happy with the amount of time my kids spend with me vs other people, but I really dislike the random assumption that single parents have these super generous extended families helping out. It often comes up on these threads by way of counter-example - ‘compare the solo-parenting partnered woman with shit husband and no family around, to my single parent neighbour whose own parents take her kids every weekend!’ - but really, some people’s extended families help out and others not so much, single or otherwise. Lone parents also typically have fewer people in the extended family to call on, due to being one person of one family rather than two...)

Nbu at all. I had this from people when I was a single mum and it drove me insane.

Having a partner, even one that works away does not make you a single mum. Bringing your kids up alone makes you a single mum.

So your friend had a hard day OP and you decided to make her feel worse to prove a point. Lovely...

I've been a single Mum for 10 years now ( also because of DV) and have found you always get someone who doesn't understand being a lone parent 24 hrs a day 365 days a year and think they're hard done by, well that's as maybe but they should consider that some of us are total!y on our own before whining.
She was insensitive and YANBU and yes a lot of us are far better off alone and we appreciate safety.

Her saying that was rude and insensitive, your challenge was reasonable, she’s U to go in a huff. I wouldn’t apologise!