Holidays with DH or not

[Homemadelife]

My DH has had 4 holidays overseas this year and another one planned for later in the year so far without me,DD and DS. He also has 2 motorbike,2 sports bikes and various other paraphernalia relating to his hobbies. We are not invited on any of these holidays as he goes with other Male friends. He promised me that we would have a weeks holiday as a family in August but so far nothing has been arranged or book apart from time off work as we both work full time. He has suggested that we could go camping for 3 nights in the Uk. AIBU to be really angry with him that As as a family we are getting a crap holiday because he has spent all of his money on himself ( and my money too I might add). I have told him I do not want to go camping as I end up doing all of the work whilst he sits and does nothing, he says that I am being selfish and denying the kids a holiday!

@Jennyfi I told him last year and this year that I hate camping. Camping trip consists of him sitting in his chair drinking beer whilst I amuse kids, cook and wash up and shop for food. Basic all like being at home without the use of dishwasher etc.

I will get in touch with women's aid to look at how they can help and consider confronting him about the proportion of household income he is spending.
Thank you all for making me realise that this is not an acceptable way for DH to behave - I just need to think carefully now about how I proceed.

I have no words to add to the already excellent posts.

Go and get some financial advice. The joint credit card if in his name is the primary one is not your responsibility.
I would start separating your finances.

What goes from the joint account that is basic living expenses? Switch your salary to your account. Ask bank about cancelling credit cards on your joint account or what your options are.

Financial abuse - look it up.
Also - find yourself a good divorce lawyer.

If he goes away just enjoy the time without him.
Get your ducks in a row.
Separate your finances.

THEN you can make a decision about your future.

I know its easier said than done. I'm a SAHM and don't know how to leave my husband. There's nothing 'wrong' with him, I just always feel like an afterthought and I'm not happy.

Good luck.

First thing you do is get your own bank account and pay your salary into it.

Then pay your contribution to the household but not his hobbies or debts.

See WA and a financial advisor.

And he says you can’t be trusted with the credit card yet he has £29k of debt on it? Which is also your debt as it’s in joint names?! Bloody hell, he’s taking the piss out of you!

*£20k

Hi sorry to read everything you have written. I have been in a similar situation financially but it turned out dh had a massive drug habit. He would tell me he owed someone money or had to pay some into the company he was the sales director for. He spent thousands of pounds of our savings plus rinsed the account every month. His drug habit went undetected until one evening he left his phone at home and a message came through.... Well I started to read his messages and the puzzle started to connect.
We had a new baby and he barely had anything to do with him for the first year of his life due to the drug abuse and mental health issues he was going through.
My advise would be to firstly see what loans and credit cards are in your name, call the bank, ask for statements. Secondly have your wages and any child benefit paid into your own account. Thirdly work out all of your bills and mortgage payments. Then tell your dh that you will split the monthly house hold bills/mortgage between you into the joint account using a standing order every month. Last but not least tell him you are not happy about his behaviour, it's selfish and unreasonable. The children come first so whilst it's fine to have a hobby it is not ok to go on multiple holidays every year with the lads. If he wants a single life style then he can leave. Dw about debt there are charities that will help you deal with it if you do decide to leave him. Best of luck x

Please be careful about confronting him. Abuse isn't accidental, it's deliberate.

Have a chat with WA first.

Even if you find the perfect words he's unlikely to turn around and say, "you're right, I'll change" and then actually change. He's got things how he wants them.

I’m so sorry OP. He sounds awful. He spends family money and money you don’t have on trips for himself! He sounds selfish and abusive. Please do leave. This isn’t fair on you or your children.

Go into the bank while he's away, find out the situation with the joint credit card and get them to set up a separate account for you that your salary can be paid into. That's a start.

You can get free credit report from Noddle and it will tell you loans in your name - doesn't take long to set up so recommend to check it asap

Readung your story is like reliving what my DD went through.

She is now split from him. Technically has less money, but in reality has more financial freedom and is a lot happier.

It's good that you now recognise that you are being financially abused (as well as generally abused) and it needs to be brought to an end.

This sounds like financial abuse. That's a heck of a lot of debt- I think you're wise to seek help about how to protect yourself while he's away.

I will get in touch with women's aid to look at how they can help and consider confronting him about the proportion of household income he is spending.
Hi OP. Sorry you are going through this. Your DH is being financially abusive and personally uncaring to you and your children.

I would suggest that, before you speak to him, that you get your ducks in a row (discreetly - without his knowledge) so you have a very clear idea of your financial situation. Eg:

• run a credit check on yourself as a PO has suggested
• do you know what his salary is/ have access to payslips, including his NI/tax numbers? If so copy/photograph them as you may need this later
• contact your HR dept ASAP and get your salary paid into your own bank account
• ensure you change your online banking password/ security information so he can't access your account. Lock down any personal access to your finances that you can.
• speak to Women's Aid ASAP for advice on next steps, legal resources etc. www.womensaid.org.uk/ or call 0808 2000 247.
• check one of the benefits claim sites to see what you could claim if/when you separate eg www.entitledto.co.uk
• use the times when he's absent to get your facts together and act on advice.
• don't speak to him until you know your position and take care when/how you confront him, as he's unlikely to be happy that you will be standing up your yourself and the children/challenging him.

Do you have anywhere for you and the children to stay temporarily if necessary?

So I would recommend a few things, you either have a joint account card or he removes your name for it. By allowing it to go so high, he has not demonstrated he can be trusted to manage it alone. Sevondly, if he wishes to continue going on holidays alone then he funds it himself. I would suggest as a starter tha both of you divert 25 percent of your take home pay into your own personal accounts for you to do as you wish with. No more holidays to be funded from joint accounts. Finally you need to sit down and budget how you are going to pay off your debt. You are an equal.in this relationship and if you allow yourself to be treated otherwise then you are doing yourself no favours. Sadly you will have to assert yourself here and remind him that this is a partnership and you have equal say in everything. If he does not agree then I suggest you consider whether you want to remain in the relationship with it continuing in the same fashion for years to come.