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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays with DH or not

94 replies

Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 12:09

My DH has had 4 holidays overseas this year and another one planned for later in the year so far without me,DD and DS. He also has 2 motorbike,2 sports bikes and various other paraphernalia relating to his hobbies. We are not invited on any of these holidays as he goes with other Male friends. He promised me that we would have a weeks holiday as a family in August but so far nothing has been arranged or book apart from time off work as we both work full time. He has suggested that we could go camping for 3 nights in the Uk. AIBU to be really angry with him that As as a family we are getting a crap holiday because he has spent all of his money on himself ( and my money too I might add). I have told him I do not want to go camping as I end up doing all of the work whilst he sits and does nothing, he says that I am being selfish and denying the kids a holiday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 13:49

@Normandy144 no these are week long holidays - he also has a few weekends as well.

The reason we have no savings is that all the spare money goes on his hobbies. We are currently paying off a a variety of loans that he has taken out for various things. When I challenge this I am told it is his money that he can do what he likes with (although some of it is mine). We have a joint account as he insists that everything is combined. I have my own account with no funds in it though as I am always using it to buy food or clothes for kids.

The more I think about it the more the family holiday is just the tip of the iceberg

OP posts:
PineappleSeahorse · 20/07/2019 13:50

You and your children deserve better.

Skinnychip · 20/07/2019 13:50

My DH has had a ski trip this year and usually has a couple of golf trips (in the uk) each year (only 3 days at a time) but i would totally not put up with that if we didn't go away as a family. I took the kids and my dad away (uk) at half term but dH was working. although he has invited his parents on our family holiday this year which I'm not happy about

GreenTulips · 20/07/2019 13:50

You’re being totally screwed!

Quartz2208 · 20/07/2019 13:50

Yes OP it is just the tip - he is taking all of the money for himself - insists on it all combining and spends it all but you spend your own money on food and clothes for the kids

Do you own a house? Because genuinely why are you with him I would make plans to leave

Longdistance · 20/07/2019 13:54

He’s taking the major piss out of you. Camping my arse!
My dh is currently doing the three peaks this weekend. He does similar challenges once a year, that is all he’s allowed as we need our family holiday as like yourselves work full time.
Your dh sounds like he’s dropping his parental responsibilities onto you whilst he’s away twatting about on bikes,

Iloveacurry · 20/07/2019 13:57

He’s a knob. 5 holidays relating to his hobby is ridiculous. Sounds like you’d be better off without him. Selfish man.

Ellisandra · 20/07/2019 13:58

He has no respect for you, doesn’t want to spend time with you, and is financially abusing you.

Another vote for a permanent holiday.

This would be bad enough if he was the sole earner, but he’s actually spending your literally earned money on himself.

Get your wages paid into your account only, whilst you divorce the nasty fucker.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 20/07/2019 13:58

So your account is empty because there is no money left in the joint account for food and clothing because he's spent it all on himself and his hobbies? Wtf is wrong with him?

Do you have a job or any independent source of income?

Original poster
Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 13:58

@Quartz2208 yes we have a joint mortgage and been together a long time but things seem worse over past few years. I guess I don't have the confidence at the moment to move on or finances (which are obviously non existent). We live in a fairly expensive area and children are settled in school.

I have told DH I do not want any more debts or loans but I would struggle on my own as lots in joint names and I have poor credit rating as loans as a % of my income are high. For example we have a joint credit card that I don't have access to (DH says I can't be trusted with it) but he has £20k of debt on it.

Feeling stressed / depressed now as chat about holiday has now opened up a whole new discussion I hadn't even considered!

OP posts:
Original poster
Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 14:00

@WishingILivedOnAnIsland yes I have a full time job.

OP posts:
WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 20/07/2019 14:01

You're being financially abused.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 20/07/2019 14:03

OP you need to direct your wages into your own bank account. He can't stop you doing that.

You need to cancel the joint credit card. Call the provider and cancel it immediately.

Fuck what he 'insists' on in relation to either of these things. Why is he in charge? Why does he control all the money?

Longdistance · 20/07/2019 14:03

£20k of debt on the credit card Shock that’ll be his 5 fucking bike holidays 🤦🏼‍♀️

Tighnabruaich · 20/07/2019 14:04

I'm at a loss to understand why you've been putting up with this.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 20/07/2019 14:04

Do you love him? Or if money/confidence/kids schools etc were not an issue would you be happier without him?

F2Feee · 20/07/2019 14:04

What father or husband prioritizes 5 holidays with his friends over his own children and wife. Cut him loose. He doesnt want to be with yourll. You and DC deserve better.

Cannotresist · 20/07/2019 14:04

It there is at least 20 k of family debt? It sounds like food and clothes are bought by struggle. Why are either of you are even thinking about holidays never mind having them?

watsmyname · 20/07/2019 14:07

This sounds awful for you and your children 😞

kazzer2867 · 20/07/2019 14:09

The more I read the worse it gets. You have no savings as he spends it on his hobbies. You have a 'joint' credit card but you don't have access to it as he says you can't be trusted. The killer line is, 'he has £20k debt on it'. He's the one who can't be trusted with any of the finances.

Sorry, he is taking you for a mug. I would even go as far to say this is financial abuse. Why are you putting up with this crap. I agree with the previous poster, make sure your wages are paid into your own bank account.

Book yourself a holiday without him and enjoy yourself.

AquaPris · 20/07/2019 14:10

Why don't you organise it?

I'd be v angry about 5 holidays without his family though - it's like you're second fiddle to his mates.

Ginger1982 · 20/07/2019 14:10

Why are you allowing him to do this?? You work full time so you're earning your own money. Pay it into your own account and if he wants to spend his money on shit then let him do it.

BuckingFrolics · 20/07/2019 14:12

He is absolutely selfish - spending your mutual money on his holidays? Fuck that. My god. He's appalling. You are being royally screwed over by someone who is supposed to love you and care for you.

AquaPris · 20/07/2019 14:12

He's financially abusing you.

thetimekeeper · 20/07/2019 14:14

You're describing coercive control. He's abusing you. I'm sorry.

This might help with processing and making sense: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Gathering info doesn't mean you have to launch off on an immediate course of action. It will just help you if and when you're ready to act.

Nobody at the Freedom Programme will tell you to leave him, they'll just share information with you so you can make your own decisions.

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