Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Holidays with DH or not

94 replies

Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 12:09

My DH has had 4 holidays overseas this year and another one planned for later in the year so far without me,DD and DS. He also has 2 motorbike,2 sports bikes and various other paraphernalia relating to his hobbies. We are not invited on any of these holidays as he goes with other Male friends. He promised me that we would have a weeks holiday as a family in August but so far nothing has been arranged or book apart from time off work as we both work full time. He has suggested that we could go camping for 3 nights in the Uk. AIBU to be really angry with him that As as a family we are getting a crap holiday because he has spent all of his money on himself ( and my money too I might add). I have told him I do not want to go camping as I end up doing all of the work whilst he sits and does nothing, he says that I am being selfish and denying the kids a holiday!

OP posts:
abitoflight · 20/07/2019 14:14

I think this needs moving to relationships
Appalling behaviour

Original poster
Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 14:17

@kazzer2867 sadly is tip of the iceberg as he has also taken out loans. Total is probably nearer 60k. We live off our overdraft every month and I buy most clothing for me and DCs second hand off eBay.

I think I need to go away and think how best to talk about this with DH. He is due to be away next weekend on another holiday so will hopefully be before then. I will need to think carefully though as any debt in joint names will still be my responsibility.

OP posts:
thewreckofthehesperus · 20/07/2019 14:18

As hard as it would be I would consider separating. The debt at least would be divided and you could try get a handle on it now and it wouldn't be continuing to spiral. Imagine where you'll be in five or ten years and trying to make a fresh start there. He has no respect for you and is gas lighting you. The cheek of him trying to say you're stopping the children from having a holiday when ges spending thousands on just himself.

There is an alternative to this life. Children are adaptable and will benefit from being away from an emotionally and financially abusive father. As will you

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 14:20

Can you actually have credit cards in joint names? I thought you could just have additional cards. This is appalling, OP.

Original poster
Homemadelife · 20/07/2019 14:21

@Alsohuman it was provided by the bank linked to our joint account

OP posts:
Hellosunshine30 · 20/07/2019 14:22

Should he really be going on all these holidays if putting them on credit card

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 14:24

If I were you, I’d pay enough into the joint account to pay half the mortgage and bills (not loans and credit card debt) and keep the rest in your account. It’s not you who can’t be trusted with credit, is it? So sorry, it must be dreadful.

Gfplux · 20/07/2019 14:40

So sorry to hear this abuse. You need to make some short, medium and long term plans...in secret.

Sexnotgender · 20/07/2019 14:45

Holidays aren’t the issue. This is financial abuse.

You need help ASAP, can you speak to women’s aid?

1forAll74 · 20/07/2019 14:47

Yes,you certainly do have a lot of problems,and all caused by your selfish husband it seems. Its sad,and awful,to read about all the holidays that your husband has,and you and children have none,and all the money he uses up for his own things,while you have no money to speak of.

It sounds as though,that if you address this problem,you get shot down,as is the case with some selfish men. But everything here needs addressing,or you will surely get eaten up with despair if this goes on, year in, year out.

It's easy to say, to try and change things if you can, but really hope that you can.

Rosielily · 20/07/2019 14:48

Who is the main card holder re the credit card? Don't tell me he got you to take it out in your name?

HerkyBaby · 20/07/2019 14:51

Start planning a permanent holiday away from him

MashedSpud · 20/07/2019 14:55

He’s treating you and your children terribly. He’s selfish and putting himself first, spending his/your money, taking out loans to spend on himself and you’re providing for your dc and caring for them while he’s living the life of an irresponsible single man.

PositiveVibez · 20/07/2019 14:59

You are married to a cunt.

What kind of man would take his kids camping for 3 fucking days, whilst swanning off abroad for 3 months.

Open your own bank account to get your money paid in to for starters.

With 60k debt, I wouldn't be thinking about a holiday in the sun to be honest.

He has really screwed you over.

Please make plans to leave this twat.

Durgasarrow · 20/07/2019 15:04

This whole thread can NOT be real.

Ellisandra · 20/07/2019 15:14

Hopefully good news for you, is that you can’t have a credit card in joint names. You can only have additional cards issued for a second person. Only the actually credit account holder is personally liable.

You need to see CAB, although I think Women’s Aid would be a good start point.

Think back over the years, and make a detailed account of EVERYTHING you remember about his spending on himself - every trip, every motorbike. Don’t say a word to him.

Divorce him, but find a solicitor who will support you in requesting a split that is far from 50/50, based on the debt being run up solely on him. 50/50 is only a start point, and I’d say you have a bloody good case not to go 50/50.

Don’t speak to him, until you have support and a plan. Please - start with Women’s Aid.

Solittletimenow · 20/07/2019 15:15

If you're in the uk, joint credit cards aren't a thing, and they are not 'linked' to bank accounts for anything other than making repayments. The credit account is is one name and then you get additional card holders. Example - credit account in your name but card issued in husbands name as an additional card holder. You might want to do a credit search on yourself to see what debt is in your name.

Isatis · 20/07/2019 15:19

We have a joint account as he insists that everything is combined. I have my own account with no funds in it though as I am always using it to buy food or clothes for kids.

Why can't you use the joint account to buy food and clothes? I hope none of your money is going into it? If it is, put a stop to that at once. Also write to the credit card issuers to cancel the joint credit card from now on so your husband can't clock up more credit card debt in your name - tell your husband that if he wants a credit card it will have to be in his name only.

Contact the Citizens' Advice Bureau ASAP to do whatever you can to minimise your potential liability for past debts.

Just seen the post where you and the kids have second hand clothes whilst your husband swans off on another holiday. You need to ask him how he thinks this is REMOTELY acceptable.

FortheloveofJames · 20/07/2019 15:36

OP this is about more than the holidays and I think you know that, and it sounds as though you realise now you need to have a serious think.

Good news is you cannot have joint credit cards. Someone is the account holder and you can have secondary cards for authorised users. That person can use the card but the debt isn’t in their name. Are you totally clued up about how much debts involved/times scales/what’s in your name etc? If I were you I’d have a look at a credit report for myself. That will show you exactly what is in your name. Debt can make you feel like your anchored to someone. But it doesn’t have to be that way

Longdistance · 20/07/2019 15:41

How about getting your name off the credit cards and getting your wages paid into your own account? Fuck what he wants!

Ninkaninus · 20/07/2019 15:42

Wow he’s a twat isn’t he. Sorry, I know that isn’t helpful but honestly this is NOT RIGHT. Who the fuck does he think he is spunking money away on his own selfish interests like that to the detriment of his family??

You shouldn’t stand for this from him, seriously.

And the debt?? What the fuck? You seem pretty sanguine about it...60 grand of debt is a shitload of money owed!

I think you need to extricate yourself from this situation if you possibly can.

Therealjudgejudy · 20/07/2019 15:49

I second that this cant be real.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 20/07/2019 15:54

Some people are shit with money. But he is shit with his money, shit with your money, selfish with his time and money in respect of anything that doesnt directly benefit him, but the worst thing is that he seems to blame you for it.
Hes used up all his holiday and cash on himself but it's your fault the kids arent getting a decent holiday this year (I wouldn't class 3 days camping as a decent holiday). He has 20k credit card debt but you dont have access to it because you're shit with money? He spends most of your money on himself and by the sounds of it, nothing towards his kids.

How did you ever get into this situation? Is he controlling in other ways? Have you tried sitting down and speaking to him about it and getting facts and figures and going through family income and outgoings. I bet his proportion of outgoings is much higher than anyone else's and that's just fundamentally unfair

Jennyfi · 20/07/2019 16:16

Does he not discuss with you before spending money from the joint account? That sounds hugely irresponsible of him. You need to tell him that's not on. How on earth can you budget if you don't know when he might suddenly drain the account?

That said, is he suggesting camping because it's cheaper, because you (either of you) don't have much leave, or because he genuinely thinks you'd like it?

NurseButtercup · 20/07/2019 16:29

Hi op, I also suggest you request your thread be moved to relationship's.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread