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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong or was DP?

108 replies

crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 17:49

I have NC for this but long time lurker occasional poster.
I just want to know if I am being unreasonable about something that happened the other evening.
DD went to the gym. She is 18 and walked up there it's about a 20 minute walk, if that.
She called just as DP (not her dad) and I were sitting down to a late dinner. It was just starting to get dark and she was walking home and she said she was worried about a man acting strangely. He had been on the other side of the road and had slowed his pace to hers, then crossed over to walk behind her. He had stopped at a bus stop and then when she had turned round to check he had gone and she didn't know where he was and she didn't want to get off the main road to walk the quieter roads to home.
I said right I am coming to get you (she was only 5 mins away at this point so close to home). DP was really cross that I did this. He thinks she was manipulating me to get a lift. I think I did exactly the right thing. I believe there was a man that was worrying her even if he wasn't doing anything intentionally. He may have wanted to catch the bus but she was worried and that was enough for me.
So was I wrong? I dont think I was but thought I would ask the wise mumsnetters, thank you.

OP posts:
resipsa · 19/07/2019 18:38

My DH would have been out the door on his way to get DD whilst she was still on the phone.

Yup.

RitaMills · 19/07/2019 18:38

You done absolutely the right thing, your DD had walked 15 mins of the 20 mins home so I think it is safe to say she genuinely was afraid and didn’t just want to inconvenience you for the sake of 5 mins.

Your DP is a dick BTW

learieonthewildmoor · 19/07/2019 18:42

Your DP was wrong. How could anyone have let a frightened young woman walk home, looking over her shoulder?
I’m so glad you picked your daughter up. Imagine if she had been attacked! You’d never forgive yourself, or your DP.

You know she wasn’t just looking for a lift. His lack of concern for her welfare is very troubling.

Purpleartichoke · 19/07/2019 18:46

When I was at university, I lived with my boyfriend. Walking back to our home there was a significant shortcut through some trees. If it was dark, I always took the long way around. This was an extra 20 minutes toting a heavy backpack. My boyfriend though I was ridiculous. That

Bluntness100 · 19/07/2019 18:48

My DH would have been out the door on his way to get DD whilst she was still on the phone

Agree, this is normal. My husband wouldn't have let me go, he'd have done it, and he would also have done it for friends kids.

SynchroSwimmer · 19/07/2019 18:56

Your daughter trusted her intuition
That's a good thing
I think we should all be encouraged to keep safe and do more of that

Goldmandra · 19/07/2019 18:59

If my DD manipulated a situation to get a lift because she couldn't face getting the bus home once in her whole teenage then I'd be very happy to collect her on that occasion anyway.

I'd rather have collect her on one occasion when she didn't need it than risk not collecting her on the day she really did.

Your DH sounds very controlling. Is he always so keen to prevent you from supporting your DC?

PositiveVibez · 19/07/2019 19:00

Your partner is a prick and you can tell he doesn't have any daughters.

He sounds like he is completely lacking in empathy and is very obtuse.

Prick.

hazell42 · 19/07/2019 19:11

Does he often moan about you giving the kids lifts? For my exh it was a real bugbear but I could never understand it
Why would you make your kids walk when you had a car sitting there doing nothing.
And why would your daughter, having walked 15 out of the 20 mins home, call you and ask you to pick her up if she wasnt worried

thecatinthetwat · 19/07/2019 19:24

@mollyButton

And the key aspect is that in this report sexual crimes are excluded unless they involve a knife or firearm

Wow, so when we hear that men are more likely to be the victim of a violent crime, they’re not actually including sexual assault? You’re kidding!

Treaclesweet · 19/07/2019 19:27

Your DP is an arse.

thetimekeeper · 19/07/2019 19:42

He doesn't like women very much, does he?

Original poster
crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 20:21

Hi everyone thank you all so much for your replies. They have made interesting reading and kind of cemented the way I have been thinking.

My DS's are 14 and 15. They have no real relationship with DP.

I have always said to all three of them, if you need me, I will be there. My dd called and needed me. I went. Even as I was on the phone I hoped that DP would say he would go but all I got was grief for going.

I did say to him why would she call when she was so close but he wasn't having it.

Mrsgranny.....not too harsh at all. Maybe I need to hear it. I cant carry on like this.

If I am home from work later than him i dread hearing what they have done wrong. He doesn't say it to them, he pretty much ignores them. He gets cross with me if they don't say hello to him first. He won't talk to them first and if I say they are kids, they learn from us he just says they have no respect for him. I have told him he has to show them respect but he says they are "just kids"

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 20:26

Just want to add it wasn't always this bad. It hasn't ever been easy but it has got worse over the last year.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 19/07/2019 20:27

This gets worse and worse. You might love him but he is an utter arsehole. For your kids sake you should end this. I know that sounds ridiculously strong for a couple posts but he’s a bogwipe. My dh would go get any woman who called because she felt unsafe as would I and one day I very much hope our sons, and then you add in the rest which sums up to: he treats my children like shit. It is not fair on your children.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2019 20:33

He really doesn't sound very nice. Why have a partner who doesn't enhance your life?

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 20/07/2019 03:36

I would not be questioning if you did the right thing. Of course you did. The question is why is DP so lacking in concern for your DDs welfare?

Seahorseshoe · 20/07/2019 03:48

Yanbu. Gosh, imagine if anything had happened to her, you would never forgive yourself. It's not a chance worth taking.

Daisypie · 20/07/2019 03:50

My DS and DD know that if they ever feel unsafe at any time I would be right there and so would DH. In my city, Melbourne, we have had a number of young women followed, assaulted and dreadfully murdered after being followed by men as they make their way home after using public transport. We want our young adults to go out and enjoy the world but we want them to recognise potential danger too.
Why do you share your life with someone who does not value or protect your children?

Mishtry · 20/07/2019 04:37

Yadnbu. You did the right thing but you can’t trust your dp with your kids welfare. Honestly I’d be horrified with DH if this was his attitude, don’t like him at all. Your DD should have been able to call either one of you for a lift. He sounds like he’s jealous of your children, that won’t improve.

HalfBearOtherHalfCat · 20/07/2019 04:45

You were right, and he sounds like an uncaring cock.

Durgasarrow · 20/07/2019 05:01

He's full of shit.

Number3or4 · 20/07/2019 05:10

You did the right right thing and it would have made me examine my relationship with dp if he did this. Well done for teaching your dd to listen to her instincts and ask for help if she needs to.

StoppinBy · 20/07/2019 05:21

I would rather go 100 times even if there was nothing actually wrong than tell my child to just deal with it and have it go wrong once.

You were right.

OooErMissus · 20/07/2019 05:33

There is so much wrong with this.

You're choosing a life partner - the person to spend your years with - who doesn't even like your own children...?

Come on, OP - you know this isn't right.

How important are your children to you? Because they're getting a really soul-destroying message from you, at the moment.

As bad as the message is that they're getting from him (and it's really bad) - the one they're getting from their own mother is much worse. Sad