Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wrong or was DP?

108 replies

crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 17:49

I have NC for this but long time lurker occasional poster.
I just want to know if I am being unreasonable about something that happened the other evening.
DD went to the gym. She is 18 and walked up there it's about a 20 minute walk, if that.
She called just as DP (not her dad) and I were sitting down to a late dinner. It was just starting to get dark and she was walking home and she said she was worried about a man acting strangely. He had been on the other side of the road and had slowed his pace to hers, then crossed over to walk behind her. He had stopped at a bus stop and then when she had turned round to check he had gone and she didn't know where he was and she didn't want to get off the main road to walk the quieter roads to home.
I said right I am coming to get you (she was only 5 mins away at this point so close to home). DP was really cross that I did this. He thinks she was manipulating me to get a lift. I think I did exactly the right thing. I believe there was a man that was worrying her even if he wasn't doing anything intentionally. He may have wanted to catch the bus but she was worried and that was enough for me.
So was I wrong? I dont think I was but thought I would ask the wise mumsnetters, thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 18:05

5foot5 yeah he would have done and that's the difference isn't it? He will do anything for his DS's and I will never stop or criticize him for doing so but anything I do for my dc is frowned upon. We have been together nearly 7 years, and I have given up trying to get him to have any sort of meaningful relationship with my dc. I just keep everything as separate as I can.

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 19/07/2019 18:05

Is your do her dad? The only reason I ask is that because I can't imagine my dad responding like that. He wouldn't give a second thought to getting any of us. Yanbu.

F2Feee · 19/07/2019 18:06

How are you able to even be with him when he blatantly dislikes your children.

HollowTalk · 19/07/2019 18:07

I really don't like him. What kind of man is he that he'd leave a frightened girl to walk home alone?

Original poster
crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 18:09

notsosorry she does ask for lifts but will always say, I can get the bus but would you mind? If she is going out with friends she will make her own way there and back. But that's just it she always asks and I haven't just stopped, I will always be yeah I'm going that way or nope sorry and she is always ok with whatever answer I give.

OP posts:
JockTamsonsBairns · 19/07/2019 18:09

Yanbu, you were completely right to collect her. What parent wouldn't?
I'm fairly sure I've read that, statistically, men are more at risk of physical assault on the street, so I'd happily go and pick up my ds if he felt unsafe walking home. Again, what parent wouldn't do that?

Of course, as pp said, if she's got previous for manipulating situations, then it might give me pause for thought - but you didn't say that was a problem, so I think you did the right thing.

Awrite · 19/07/2019 18:10

We need to be encouraging our children to trust their instincts.

That your dp thinks she is being manipulative speaks volumes about how he views women. He wasn't there ffs.

I wonder if your dd has picked up on how he feels about her.

HairyFloppins · 19/07/2019 18:11

You did the right thing. I don't drive but dd once phoned me worried about a lingering guy and I ran up the road so fast trying to get to her. It's just instinct.

Disfordarkchocolate · 19/07/2019 18:11

More men do get attacked but it's in very different situations, a lone woman can be very vulnerable.

Original poster
crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 18:12

F2feee honestly? I dont know.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroadsmum · 19/07/2019 18:15

He believes that because statistically men are more likely to be attacked women shouldn't be so nervous. I would have done exactly the same for my DS's.

OP posts:
ImperfectAlf · 19/07/2019 18:17

YANBU. AT ALL. I’ve done the same for my DS . You’ve obviously taught her to trust her instincts. You should trust yours.

Ifigotherewillbedouble · 19/07/2019 18:18

Omg your ‘D’P is an absolute arse. Even if I thought one of my DDs was being manipulative would I want to risk it?? She was 5 mins away, I bet if you hadn’t gone to get her you would have been worried until she got in the door anyway. I struggle to give my DDs independence and I know I always err on the side of caution, so to me this is an absolute no brainer. (I am trying I am) My DH isn’t the father of my older 2 DDs but would never dream of saying no in those circumstances - he’s actually just offered one a lift because it’s raining. I would really struggle to be with someone who thought so little of my children.

ImperfectAlf · 19/07/2019 18:18

Well, that’s all very well and all, until something goes wrong. He’s an idiot

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2019 18:19

Again, there is a bigger problem than the fact he disagreed with you.

How old are your other children?

minou123 · 19/07/2019 18:20

You did the right thing, I do the same for anyone of my friends, relatives.

The bit that annoys me with your dp is this bit
I have actually had an argument about this before when he said that women do not get scared or worried any more because there is no need and more men get attacked than women.

Does he have a mum, sister, aunts, grandmother? I would ask him, if you were in the same situation and asked him to come and get you because you felt unsafe, would he pick you up?

His answer would be interesting.

stanski · 19/07/2019 18:22

You absolutely did the right thing!

fedup21 · 19/07/2019 18:26

My DH would have been out the door on his way to get DD whilst she was still on the phone.

This show yours in a very poor light.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 19/07/2019 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 19/07/2019 18:29

Sorry that’s very harsh - I didn’t mean it to be

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2019 18:29

Why are you with him when he doesn't want a meaningful relationship with your dc as well? Poor dc having to live with a man who only seems to tolerate them

MollyButton · 19/07/2019 18:30

He believes that because statistically men are more likely to be attacked women shouldn't be so nervous.

Okay I have looked through the latest ONS report on violence (here www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/crimeandjustice/articles/thenatureofviolentcrimeinenglandandwales/yearendingmarch2018
Key factors 2.3% of men are victims of violent crime as compared to 1.2% of women - not that big a difference. There is a bigger difference when the violence is carried out by a stranger 1.4% to 0.4% respectively. It seems from one graph that your daughter at 18 is far more likely than a male of the same age to be attacked.
And the key aspect is that in this report sexual crimes are excluded unless they involve a knife or firearm the same is true of robberies. Murders are also excluded as the results come from surveys of the victims of crime (and you can't survey a dead person).

But your Partner sounds unpleasant and possessive.

usersouthcoast · 19/07/2019 18:34

You did the right thing.

He's behaved like a jealous child

Purpleartichoke · 19/07/2019 18:35

Your partner clearly doesn’t understand that every time women are out they have to be thinking about safety. If something set off her instincts, she needs to trust herself. You did the right thing by coming to her assistance. Not only because it was necessary, but because it reinforced the idea for her that thinking about her own safety is appropriate.

Men have to worry about not getting into fights. That is entirely different than being attacked simply for walking down the street.

Pebbles16 · 19/07/2019 18:37

You did the right thing.