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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a therapist who sleeps with their client is dodgy AF? **trigger warning**

68 replies

Scarlett555 · 19/07/2019 15:33

Before my wife and I got together she had counselling to help her deal with problems around boundaries including childhood sexual abuse.

She ended up getting obsessed with her (female) therapist and they had a sexual relationship for about 3 years. They are still really good pals.

AIBU to think this is dodgy as hell?

If a man did this it would be considered seriously unethical and I feel the same applies with her being a woman.

This woman has recently moved to our town and keeps trying to befriend me. She tried to pop in for a cup of tea the other day when I was working at home but I said I was too busy.

Wife and I had a row last night because I am being frosty and rude towards this therapist. She says they were both consenting adults, it was a long time ago etc.

Wife and this woman have already talked about an arrangement where she looks after our DC after school. I know my wife is free to be friends with who she wants but I can't get past the fact she took advantage of my wife when she was vulnerable and crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed. I really don't want me or our kids to have anything to do with her.

AIBU?

I am female too btw.

OP posts:
Bookworm4 · 19/07/2019 15:36

All sounds pretty iffy, you go to a therapist about abuse and boundaries and said therapist starts a relationship, sounds unprofessional and unethical.

Springhassprung11 · 19/07/2019 15:36

I agree with you. And for arguments sake, lets just say she is just an ex partner- all consenting and above board- why would she now need to look after the children and be involved in all your lives? The past is the past. Your wife should leave it there.

Lazydaisies · 19/07/2019 15:37

I would have thought a therapist behaving in this manner could face disbarment if reported and investigated.

TanyaChix · 19/07/2019 15:39

Totally, utterly 100% agree with you. A person seeking therapy is vulnerable - even if they consent - and there are strict professional guidelines about forming personal relationships for a reason. I’d not be at all happy that she still hangs around.

Weezol · 19/07/2019 15:41

The therapist's governing body would not be happy about an out of office friendship with a client, never mind a sexual relationship. She could be disciplined or even be struck off.

This is very, very wrong.

Herocomplex · 19/07/2019 15:42

Depends if the therapist is accredited. Anyone can call themselves a councillor or a therapist. If they are a member of a professional body you could make a complaint and they would lose their accreditation if found guilty of misconduct.
But it’s completely against the standards expected in a therapeutic relationship and potential very damaging to a vulnerable person.

Nesssie · 19/07/2019 15:42

Definitely not ok. Massive breach of trust and manipulation of a vulnerable woman.

I would not want to be around her or have her around my children. Not up for discussion.

Original poster
Scarlett555 · 19/07/2019 15:45

Glad people think the same! I am really struggling with her being our new neighbour and hanging around us all the time. She creeps me out.

I also feel v protective of my wife who gets taken advantage of easily.

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 19/07/2019 15:45

It’s abusing a position of trust!

Anyone having therapy obviously has issues, How is the therapist shagging them going to help?

Disgusting behaviour and they should be allowed to practice

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 19/07/2019 15:46

*Shouldn't

BlueCornsihPixie · 19/07/2019 15:46

I agree with you OP. The therapist is in a position of power over a vulnerable patient. It's 'unethical' at best. She was talking her through childhood sexual abuse?! To me it sounds like she completely abused the relationship and took advantage of your wife.

And regardless of anything this woman was in a relationship with your wife for 3 years, why would you want to be friends with your wife's ex?

jellycatspyjamas · 19/07/2019 15:47

It’s highly unethical and if she’s a member of a governing body she’d be struck off even now. Unfortunately anyone can call themselves a counsellor/psychotherapist so being struck off wouldn’t stop her practicing privately but she wouldn’t get paid employment.

Duchessgummybuns · 19/07/2019 15:47

Err so much nope the fact that she was your wife’s therapist aside why would she look after your kids? This situation is very weird, like she’s being shoehorned into your relationship

Stompythedinosaur · 19/07/2019 15:48

I agree with you, that is really bad and shows a serious lack of ethics!

HorsewithnoRegretsNonJeNeRegre · 19/07/2019 15:50

Did the woman move to be closer to your partner? Or is it just a coincidence that she happens to now be your neighbour?

Original poster
Scarlett555 · 19/07/2019 15:54

If she was just an ex I wouldn't have a problem. Most lesbians tend to be good friend with their exes (myself included).

I have talked to my wife about this therapist so many times saying how uncomfortable it makes me. But obviously my wife still has no appreciation of boundaries and can't see my point of view or understand why I would have any kind of issue with this woman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scarlett555 · 19/07/2019 15:57

@HorsewithnoRegretsNonJeNeRegre she has a family member who also lives near us which I think (hope!) was the primary reason for her move to our town. She lived abroad before which suited me much better.

OP posts:
MyGastIsFlabbered · 19/07/2019 16:06

No fucking way should a therapist ever get involved in a non-professional relationship with a client. That's crossing so many boundaries I don't even know where to start. How long ago was this? Do you think there are still feelings on either side? No way would I like her to be involved in my day to day life, but if it was 20 odd years ago I'd be more inclined to go along with it than if it was recent.

Bookworm4 · 19/07/2019 16:12

I think the ‘lesbians stay friends’ is a bit sweeping, my DD has had very bitter breakups; I found her same sex gf very nasty; way worse than a bf would be.
Anyhow; you need to stand firm and tell your DW that this person needs to step back from you and your DC, if need be it’d be an ultimatum.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/07/2019 16:13

It's totally dodgy. Does this therapist belong to a professional body? Because if she does you could report her if you want to.

I too would find it hard to trust someone with this sort of history with your DW with your DC.

NicciLovesSundays · 19/07/2019 16:22

It sounds incredibly inappropriate and is more than certainly against ethical practice guidelines if the counsellor is a member of a professional body (eg BACP) . Did the personal relationship start while your wife was receiving counselling or later?

Emi1e · 19/07/2019 16:29

The sexual relationship is unethical. The being friends after an appropriate therapeutic relationship is unethical.

I’d be tempted to raise it with her, explain your discomfort.

Original poster
Scarlett555 · 19/07/2019 16:30

Admittedly this was a long time ago. I have been with my wife almost 10 years. Not sure exactly when their relationship was but I think around 15 years ago. I have tolerated her when she's visited in the past - I never realised we would soon be close neighbours and she would want to be best mates with us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scarlett555 · 19/07/2019 16:31

I have just Googled her and she does not appear to be with the BACP - she has been living abroad though so maybe she qualified overseas.

OP posts:
Herocomplex · 19/07/2019 16:33

What does it say in any promotional material? BACP not the only prof body. Does she work alone?

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