To think a therapist who sleeps with their client is dodgy AF? **trigger warning**

[Scarlett555]

Before my wife and I got together she had counselling to help her deal with problems around boundaries including childhood sexual abuse.

She ended up getting obsessed with her (female) therapist and they had a sexual relationship for about 3 years. They are still really good pals.

AIBU to think this is dodgy as hell?

If a man did this it would be considered seriously unethical and I feel the same applies with her being a woman.

This woman has recently moved to our town and keeps trying to befriend me. She tried to pop in for a cup of tea the other day when I was working at home but I said I was too busy.

Wife and I had a row last night because I am being frosty and rude towards this therapist. She says they were both consenting adults, it was a long time ago etc.

Wife and this woman have already talked about an arrangement where she looks after our DC after school. I know my wife is free to be friends with who she wants but I can't get past the fact she took advantage of my wife when she was vulnerable and crossed a line that shouldn't be crossed. I really don't want me or our kids to have anything to do with her.

AIBU?

I am female too btw.

Yes it is

The therapist carried on with the abuse as she abused her with her power sadly this is still going on and this is why she is unable to see the harm done in this situation

It is not unusual for a client to become infatuated with their therapist either in a sexual way or friendship way and can be tricky at times to manage but it’s nit for the therapist in anyway to take this any further than the therapy room

And maybe she has the highest of credentials it doesn’t stop people taking advantage of their position and that is what she did totally unprofessional and more concerning is the abuse of power

Your wife will defend her therapist all I can say is keep trying to have a conversation but rather than accuse her therapist keep to I don’t feel comfortable with this and then that might lead to a conversation of how this makes your feel. Any accusation towards her therapist will at this point i think make her defensive. Your wife deep down knows this is wrong

Yanbu

I 100% agree with you. That's classic predatory behaviour and I myself would intensely dislike this woman.

I suppose it is quite a difficult subject to raise with DW without bringing up a lot of difficult feelings

That would be difficult.... even if they'd only got in to the relationship after the therapy was over, it'd still be a bit inappropriate.

I absolutely would look at getting couples counseling and also having a word with this woman. I think she needs to hear from someone else just how inappropriate this is.

Totally inappropriate.

Breaking all sorts of professional boundaries there.

Therapists are in a position of trust. That position has totally been abused.

I agree that the therapist has behaved in a very unethical way which is not appropriate for any one in a position of trust and appears to be continuing to try to make the relationship closer despite your DW's and your being married.

On the other hand, even without the initial therapeutic relationship and the boundaries that should have gone with that, what you have is a third party to your marriage who seems to be determined to get closer to your DW than they should to anyone's DW. Whether this was a neighbour, work colleague, school mum or whatever that would not be right.

You say that your relationship is great but, with this woman around, is it?

The bit about her sister - oh goodness.

To be blunt, it seems you're now facing a storm no matter which route you take. I'm honestly not sure you can avoid it, from what you've said so far.

I'd say your first concern has to be protecting your daughter from this woman. Because it's a matter of time before she gets her inside too - and it does rather seem like she's building up a "side".

Then it's to try and salvage your marriage and relationship because this person is already in it.

Putting those two issues together is how you decide which of your options to choose, adding in what you're willing to sacrifice, where your absolute boundaries are etc.

And absolutely, if you choose the counselling option make sure they're accredited. For the BACP registration I'm sure they're supposed to have their reg number on their website somewhere. If you find someone and don't see a number or aren't sure if they're registered, email and ask them. Any legitimate counsellor will be more than happy to provide their details, so you will also be able to screen them that way!

Extremely dodgy. Is the therapist still working? Here's an example of the UKCP guidelines on this
www.psychotherapy.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/UKCP-Ethical-Principles-and-Code-of-Professional-Conduct.pdf

There's a site called Unsafe Spaces with quite a lot of stories about therapist abuse.

Well starting this thread has opened a can of worms. Wife asked me what was wring this morning as I was distracted and snapped at her and so we have had a long discussion about the therapist.

I said I don't want me or the kids to have anything to do with her. She said that was impractical and controlling of me, she is our neighbour now, they are friends, if wife is out with the kids she is going to see this woman with our kids in tow.

Wife said I have to give her examples of why this woman's behaviour is inappropriate now (rather than the past) and lots of things came up. Examples include how she insists on calling my wife by a pet name (say wife is Ruth, therapist calls her Ruthie) and is very touchy feely with her which creeps me out given their history.

How therapist is 'hurt and upset' that I am not reciprocating her offers of friendship but is working her way through it. Playing the victim as usual, making my wife feel sorry for her and making me out to be the villain. Also subtly trying to stir up trouble. I said all this, wife said I was exaggerating.

Wife said she wished she'd never told me about their history. I tried to make her understand it's only because I care about her and am angry and upset on her behalf that she went to get help for something so serious, this woman had the opportunity to help her but betrayed her instead. Tried to get her to imagine how she would feel if it was one of the kids, or someone else she loved.

She says it's all in the past and I have gone and wound myself up over nothing.

So haven't achieved anything really. Although we did agree that it's fair enough I don't want to be friends with her and wife will see her separately from me.

Any chance of moving op?

On a practical note as well if you where to separate who is the primary career for the children?

Seems like the ex is obsessed with wife and her life id want to be as far away as possible. I mean really what are the odds of accidentally buying or renting the house next to an ex.

I can't help thinking the ex might be wondering about a rekindling of the relationship.... a few glasses of wine and one thing leads to another... I hope I'm wrong to be suspicious.

It’s highly unethical and if she’s a member of a governing body she’d be struck off even now.
What @jellycatspyjamas said.

It's especially galling as your partner is CSA survivor. She SHOULD get struck off.

@msmith501that thought had crossed my mind too. I wouldn't put anything past this woman and she is single so she might try something.

I do trust my wife and she has shown no signs she would ever be unfaithful.

@Stoptheworldpleasethankyou wife and I are both primary carers. We are both on the kids' birth certificates. No chance of moving and really hope there is no chance of separating!

I agree about couples therapy. You could frame it as trying to get past your dislike of her friend. Emphasise that it's because your relationship is strong and you want to keep it that way. Hopefully a qualified counsellor would be appalled enough to make your wife wonder.

I guess the couples therapy could be a good idea. I would want to make sure they have experience with LGBT couples.

On another note I have never written therapist so many times. Realised just one small space separates 'therapist' from 'the rapist'.

I think you need to tread carefully with therapy - from what you have said, your wife is not experiencing any negative feelings from her relationship with her ex therapist. You cannot force her to do this.

Whilst it sounds as though there were professional boundaries trampled on, it is your wife’s experience, not yours. She is an adult, with agency over her own feelings.

The impact on your relationship is something that you have rights over, though...

This is absolutely insane and not okay. That woman should not be around your wife and should never ever ever ever ever even see your children, never mind look after them. Your wife is trying to gaslight you.