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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DC school against their wishes?

58 replies

Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 10:30

I really don't know what to do for the best - would so appreciate any thoughts.

We are moving to another town - 30 minutes drive (on a good day) from our old town. So that DC can have friends in new town, go to secondary with them etc we have applied for them to go to a very good primary there, starting in years 5 and 2.

We went to look around earlier this week and all seemed to go well. But elder DC is adamantly against changing schools - they have SEN, hate change, find it hard to make new friends, and have had problems with school refusal in the past (but now is happy-ish at current school). Younger DC is keen to make the change, and while we could in theory do the commute every day we feel that changing is probably the best thing for the long term, so they can be independent, walk to school etc. New school also has smaller classes and good SEN support, it seems.

So: AIBU to move change schools, when elder DC hates the idea? We have made it clear it is our decision, but it's heartbreaking to see DC so upset about it :(

OP posts:
OKBobble · 19/07/2019 10:42

They are young enough that they will adapt, settle in and make new friends before secondary school. Of course yanbu to move now. In fact it is probably the ideal time.

WhyTho · 19/07/2019 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillMedusa · 19/07/2019 10:46

They will grumble.. and then settle. They are not old enough to make decsions like that and it's a good time to move for both. We used to be in the RAF and the children had to move during Primary and they all were adamant their lives were ruined at the time. A couple of weeks later and they were fine in their new schools..inc the youngest who has autism.
It will be ok!

parietal · 19/07/2019 10:49

they should move. tell them there is no choice, and sometimes people to do things they don't like, but you will support them & help them make new friends.

zafferana · 19/07/2019 10:50

I would move them. The start of Y5 primary is one of those normal moving times too - we had lots of new kids at that stage at my DC's school - and it's two years before the final set of primary SATs/11+ so plenty of time to settle in. That 30-mins on a good day trip will be the bane of your life by Christmas if you don't make the move. In the end, you're the parent and if this new school looks good I'd bite the bullet. Sometimes you have to make unpopular choices for your kids - it's part of what parenting is all about. But you know best - you really do.

Beautiful3 · 19/07/2019 10:58

They should move.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 11:09

This is so helpful, thank you all

OP posts:
NotAnotherJaffaCake · 19/07/2019 11:12

I would think very carefully about moving an SEND child from a school where they are broadly happy. I appreciate the logistics involved but I would be prepared for it to be very tough for a good while.

zafferana · 19/07/2019 11:16

Thing is @NotAnotherJaffaCake, the DC either moves now or they have to make the move in two years' time when they go up to secondary in the new area. If they move now and have two years in a primary in the new area then they will probably move up to secondary with a few friends and familiar faces.

BeckyBec · 19/07/2019 11:22

We moved towns last August, I continued to drive my year 5 and year 3 children to their old school. I was spending hours in my car due to peak traffic and decided this wasn't ok. Cutting a very long story short, when I told my son the decision had been made to move (he knew that we were looking at other schools and he had had a day trial at one) he cried under his duvet for 2 hours. He hasn't ever been diagnosed with a SEN however he has difficulty with change and his emotional responses to things are way off. The next night he cried a bit less, then a bit less, then a bit less. The work for me was in being patient and listening to his sad feelings, acknowledging them and accepting them as OK. I sat and cried with him one night. It was hard to listen to what he thought about me at the time, and listen to his anger but I sat with that and eventually the crying and the massive emotional outbursts stopped and he learnt new things as did I.
We had a party for both my children and their friends (separately) to say goodbye. We have arranged to see their old school friends regularly. It was the best decision we could have made. They have both had amazing experiences at their new school, they love meeting up with their old school friends and those relationships have continued to be special. it has taken work though and a lot of patience managing the change. Good luck!!

sashh · 19/07/2019 11:47

I had a similar experience to WhyTho but I was shut off completely from old friends, we had moved to far for me to stay at the same school.

I have just about forgiven my parents, but I'm still struggling with the secondary school and then the VI form they sent me to.

BeckyBec If my parents had done that I'm sure it would have helped.

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 11:50

I moved mine last year (year 2, 3 and 4). They hated it at first but settled in after a couple of months, now have lots of new friends and are generally fine. We did have a few teething problems but nothing that wasn’t easily resolved.

Expect them to be difficult to begin with, most children struggle with the change SEN or not. Mine did go through a difficult patch behaviourally but we have now thankfully overcome it.

Pinktinker · 19/07/2019 11:51

Just want to say it’s far easier to move primary school children who adapt better than secondary school children.

mastertomsmum · 19/07/2019 12:02

My son moved in Yr 5. It was a brilliant move as the class teacher was superb and the school ethos and pastoral care much better than the previous school.

The only downside was that friendships were quite established and he was sometimes a little bit left out when it came to party invites. However, Upper Key Stage 2 is all about moving on up with secondary school just around the corner and the playingfield is definitely levelled when they go on to secondary and kids from all over the catchment form a new pool of friends for everyone

Knickersononeshead · 19/07/2019 12:07

We moved in December. Year 7, year 5 and reception.

Dc in year 7 and reception have really adapted to the new school and love it.

Year 5 Dc has really struggled to be honest. Most of the class have been friends since starting school so he has found it hard to make new friends.
Hoping the new school year will see things settle more for him.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/07/2019 12:21

My dad was in the RAF. I went to a lot of schools in multiple countries. I hated him whenever he came home and said we were moving but it never lasted. I don't like change but sustaining friendships with that sort of distance at that age is going to be hard so I think the new school makes sense. You will just need to be understanding. Are you moving over the holidays? Is it possible to find any activities in the new area over the summer to give them the opportunity to meet new classmates before they are the new kids at school when term starts? We moved to Germany in the holidays one year and being able to attend a tennis camp even though I had zero interest in tennis other than a slight crush on Stefan Edberg really helped as I met other children my age so wasn't going in totally unprepared. I think I was 8 or 9 at the time.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 13:41

Thanks so much all. It really is so helpful reading all your experiences.

@BeckyBec your post made me cry. Really moving and echoes what we're going through so much.

@NotAnotherJaffaCake this is definitely our concern. Elder DC has been v unhappy at school in the past, but this year has been better and we don't want to set them back to hating school again. But on the other hand the current class is v large and SEN support is fairly limited.

The thing that still bothers me is: would it better to move elder DC for secondary school, when everyone else will be leaving/changing anyway, and endure 2 years commuting? It's so hard Confused

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 19/07/2019 13:54

The thing that still bothers me is: would it better to move elder DC for secondary school, when everyone else will be leaving/changing anyway, and endure 2 years commuting?

You might find yourself back with the same problem then though, if they just want to go to the same secondary as their friendship group rather than start out afresh. I started a brand new secondary school twice in first year and I'd say that was harder than all the new primaries because people who'd come up together seemed to cluster together more because they were the little fish in a big pond.

Would you commute both children or send the other one to the new school?

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 14:01

Ah thanks @Dinosauratemydaffodils - meant to say thanks for your ideas about holidays too - your 'crush on Stefan Edberg' comment made me :)
Eldest is rather club-averse but I am going to try to get together with some kids from the school/class if poss.

Re commute - think we would commute both kids for 2 years, as splitting them up seems too hard, logistically and emotionally. What you say about secondaries is helpful - it will be a big step for eldest in so many ways (especially with SEN) and our hope was to lessen the blow - especially as the new local primary is very connected with its local secondary.

We have to decide finally by Monday, gulp...

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 19/07/2019 14:07

As awfully, awfully hard as it is, I think I’d move both DC.

You won’t be able to preserve a stress-free environment for them with a 30-45 minute school runtwice a day, you’ll be forever tied to old area rather than looking forward, and every time something goes wrong at school (which it will!) you’ll be thinking “should I have moved them?”

Once you’ve made the decision you can focus all your energies on managing a transition and looking forward.

thecatinthetwat · 19/07/2019 14:08

Personally no I wouldn’t do it. Why not integrate them into area first. Meet neighbors, make friends and then re-visit idea of changing schools.

If you move them and it doesn’t go well, they may really resent you.

Why1990 · 19/07/2019 14:10

I moved schools as a child and it's harder than you think to make new friends etc especially when the children in the new class will have been friends for a number of years already. I have no childhood friends, no friends that I've known since nursery or reception.
I think it has affected my life and would not make the decision to change my children's school lightly.
As for my child with sen, there is absolutely no way I would change his school given how hard it has been for him to settle and build the little friendships he has built.
My dh works a 2 hour drive from where we live and we do have the option of moving there, but even my dh agrees he would not move our sen child

Oblomov19 · 19/07/2019 14:14

Move. Y5 and Y2 are good years to move.

BlueSkiesLies · 19/07/2019 14:36

You're the adult, you make the decision. Of course they don't want to move, kids don't like change. They will get over it.

LIZS · 19/07/2019 14:40

Move them , ds1 has 2 years to make friends with those who will go to same secondary. The drive will be a killer twice a day. The fear of change is often worse than reality. Have they visited the house, area, school, been reassured that they can continue activities etc and still meet old friends half way.