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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move DC school against their wishes?

58 replies

Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 10:30

I really don't know what to do for the best - would so appreciate any thoughts.

We are moving to another town - 30 minutes drive (on a good day) from our old town. So that DC can have friends in new town, go to secondary with them etc we have applied for them to go to a very good primary there, starting in years 5 and 2.

We went to look around earlier this week and all seemed to go well. But elder DC is adamantly against changing schools - they have SEN, hate change, find it hard to make new friends, and have had problems with school refusal in the past (but now is happy-ish at current school). Younger DC is keen to make the change, and while we could in theory do the commute every day we feel that changing is probably the best thing for the long term, so they can be independent, walk to school etc. New school also has smaller classes and good SEN support, it seems.

So: AIBU to move change schools, when elder DC hates the idea? We have made it clear it is our decision, but it's heartbreaking to see DC so upset about it :(

OP posts:
Butterfly02 · 19/07/2019 14:53

We did this a couple of years ago, was best decision (it felt very difficult to move them somewhere they were doing well / had friends) but the new school pushed them out of their comfort zone and they thrived on it (we all get too comfortable at times).
It also means they go on to secondary school having formed some friendships which will help.

00100001 · 19/07/2019 15:01

If the drive is 30 minutes each way "on a good day" .... Do you have a spare 2 hours in the day? Are you happy to leave the house at least 30 minutes earlier than you do now? Will you be home at a sensible time to allow your kids to do homework, go to activities, chill out, have dinner etc?

And also, when parties/invites to friends happen, are you happy to make additional weekend trips, late night trips etc to a friends house that might be on the 'other side' of the school? So perhaps 45mins+ each way?

I'd move them tbh. They can keep in touch with their old friends easily enough - and you will soon discover that those friendships will dwindle, and possibly they'll stay in touch with 1...maybe 2.

septembersunshine · 19/07/2019 15:14

I think that is a long drive op. Add that up per week/month thats a lot of time travelling. Just the cost in fuel and time alone would turn my head. It's a risky buisness moving kids to a new school. Its almost a gamble but I think its a risk worth taking because overall if they can go to school in the same community they live in it will give them a better sense of belonging. Maybe over time its more unsettling to be attending school in a different area and being ferried some distance five days a week then just having everything in the one place. Its almost half a move then. I would do it.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 16:39

Ah thanks all - I think the variety of responses reflects what a tricky decision it is.

Think we are probably going for it, as have done so much to prepare DC already it feels like the right time...

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 19/07/2019 17:00

I would move them both, although anticipate having a hard time with the Year 5 DS at first. He will find it much easier moving to secondary school with a group of children that he has had two years getting to know.

BetsyBigNose · 19/07/2019 17:08

Both our DDs have been to 3 Primaries - we moved about a fair bit but have now settled in a lovely city where both children are happy in their schools.

It was emotionally very difficult to make the decision to move them away from their friends, but as their parents, we knew that we were making the best possible decision for their futures.

There will be tears and old friends may well fall by the wayside (no matter how hard you try to stay in touch!), but eventually everything will settle down.

We made our final move when DD1 was about to start Yr6 (and DD2 was going into Yr4), as we wanted her to have a year with her peers she would be going up to Senior School with - it's worked out really well and she's just finished her last day of Yr7 today!

Good luck OP, just remember that YOU know what is best for your children.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 19/07/2019 17:26

YANBU, you're the adult and whilst kids can and should have their opinions taken into consideration you can see the bigger picture and know what's best for the family as a whole.

EdithWeston · 19/07/2019 17:33

I would not move the year 5 DC is at all possible not to.

Because they'll have to move again at year 6 and they hate change. Two moves in successive Septembers is pretty demanding.

Unless the primary is a named feeder school in the published admissions criteria for the secondary you have your eye on, your DC's attendance there will make no difference to whether they get a place.

They are going to have to go into a new school 'cold'. It may as well be year 7 as 6. I'd wait. Get them settled in to new house and town, maybe joining some weekend activities there. Move schools when everything else is a bit more familiar.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 19/07/2019 17:44

Thanks again all, food for thought.

@EdithWeston thanks for your reply and sorry should have been clearer - DC will be going into year 5 in September, is year 4 now, so wouldn't have to do moves in successive Septembers.

But I definitely take your point about moving when things are more familiar. This is what I am still wondering about...

OP posts:
helpmum2003 · 19/07/2019 17:55

I would definitely move them for all the reasons mentioned. I especially think the commute would be damaging for the whole family.

We moved one of our DC at end of Y4 for different reasons but against their will. It worked out well. Sometimes adults have to make difficult, unpopular decisions.

Good luck.

TheNoodlesIncident · 19/07/2019 18:16

In your position I would definitely move them.

I moved my ds (also with SEN) at the end of Y2. His classmates were all going to the junior school the infant one fed into, I moved him to another junior school with far better SEN provision and more suitable school ethos. I felt sorry for him as he would be leaving behind all the familiar faces, but I had to trust that he would make friendships at his new school, which he did (with other quirky kids mostly).

I have done it again and he is going to a secondary school with fantastic provision for children with SEND but will not know anybody. But the school have arranged lots of transition days for him and other pupils with SEND, they've attended meetings to find out all about ds and what makes him tick. Because the secondary is as good as it is, ds is unconcerned now about starting there.

You have to do what's in your children's long term best interests, even if they can't see that it is and are cross at you.

BeckyBec · 19/07/2019 19:01

Good luck with everything. I’m sure you can make it through the tricky times and I hope that normal family experiences resume quickly

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 20/07/2019 12:13

Thank you @helpmum2003 and @BeckyBec. V encouraging Smile

And good to hear about your experience of doing this with a child with SEN @TheNoodlesIncident - the new school has a good rep for SEN so fingers crossed! Going to try to speak to the new Senco more about the transition soon.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 20/07/2019 12:21

I would be wary of moving your eldest child tbh, because he'll have to move again in two years and that is another big change for him. How long did it take him to settle in his current school, because it sounds as if it may have been longer than two years?

Smaller classes are not always a bonus to me, if the school is small then secondary is going to be a massive change and the potential pool of friends is smaller too.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 20/07/2019 13:28

Thank you @ChicCroissant - it’s a v good point about only having 2 years left and this is my main concern really. FWIW the school isn’t small at all, the classes are just generally smaller than elder DC’s current (very large) class. The primary feeds straight into the secondary so nearly all kids go there... but this is the big question - better to move now, potentially make new friends for better transition to secondary, or move for secondary only, most likely not knowing other kids and having commuted for 2 years... it feels like a very equal choice and very hard!

He has taken a long time to settle at his current school and arguably still isn’t settled now! It hasn’t suited him in many ways although his current teacher is great and this year he has largely been ok and making progress. He has one close friend and a loose group of other friends.

I didn’t sleep much last night, so worried Sad

OP posts:
Caaarrrl · 20/07/2019 13:32

I moved mine at about the same ages against their will to a better school. They said that they would never be happy. Guess what? They soon settled, loved it and get a great education.

It's your decision as parents. They are not old enough to make these choices. I only wish I'd done it sooner

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 20/07/2019 13:34

I wouldn’t if they really didn’t want too. I get all the “your the adult so get to decide” but it affects their daily life and they will be resentful that they get no say. Not the final say but children should have their views taken into consideration.

LillithsFamiliar · 20/07/2019 13:35

I'd be tempted to keep the older DC where they are. They only have two years left, moving into a new primary school with established friendship groups is tough. Moving into secondary school when there's lots of new people and friendship groups are scattered, could be much easier.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 20/07/2019 13:56

Thanks all - we are definitely taking their views into consideration, but eldest DC does tend to quite often hate new things at first and then love them later on!

@LillithsFamiliar - thanks, I am considering changing one DC school and not the other - the logistics of this would be v tricky though. Alternatively we keep both where they are for 2 years and then move younger DC to local primary - although younger one may well be much more settled by then...

OP posts:
Kaiylee · 20/07/2019 13:59

My eldest is autistic. I moved her in year 3. She was not happy but we talked it all out and just kept talking, let her be upset and acknowledged that's its ok to be sad.

she was settled by Christmas and by the end of the first year she was so much happier than she'd ever been, I think due to better SEN support in the new school.

The move to secondary was very very rough. She clung to her best friend from primary. It's taken her 3 years to find better suited friends. If she'd made the transition entirely alone I think it would have been even worse.

Millimollimandi · 20/07/2019 14:04

Kids will always moan about never having any friends again - I moved every 2.5 years (service child) and the only thing is that I have no school friends I am in contact with - however my husband never moved schools and he doesn't see any of his school friends any more either.

NoSquirrels · 20/07/2019 14:05

Alternatively we keep both where they are for 2 years and then move younger DC to local primary - although younger one may well be much more settled by then...

This is why I would move both. It is fairest on everyone in the family.

Original poster
Yellowaterbottle · 20/07/2019 15:52

Thanks @Kaiylee - good to hear your experience although sorry secondary transition was tough. I’m expecting elder Dc to find it very difficult so I think knowing some people would help...

@Millimollimandi - yes I’m not in touch with anyone from primary either, despite not having moved schools. Secondary seems more important, stability-wise

@NoSquirrels - thank you that’s very helpful - I think I your earlier point is spot on too, think I might have to cut and paste that somewhere to remember it!

OP posts:
Dinosauratemydaffodils · 20/07/2019 16:08

I think if you do decide to keep your eldest, you should move your youngest because that way they get to make local friends at what is quite possibly an easier stage.

I would move both though, partly because dh has 30 minutes drive (on a good day) commute to work and it's very rarely a "good" day and partly because I don't think sustaining friendships when he's a decent drive away will be easy.

Have you tried the drive at school start/end time?

springtime12 · 20/07/2019 16:43

I would move them now, it's rarely a good day for commuting, it will get you down. Better to move now when the youngest is still young enough to make school friends before friend groups get embedded and the eldest can make friends prior to sats and moving to secondary school. Can't think of any overriding reasons not to move them now tbh