Social services have made me regret ringing them ...aibu ?

[sarere]

I've been a carer for years for my family member who is 96.
I've struggled as they have dementia and I'm only young and it's been hard mentally and emotionally.
The doctors never really helped me and fobbed me off.
I pushed and pushed for her to get a mental health Assesment at home.
The first apt a few days before she wasn't well so I rescheduled it and Monday I had to take her to the eye infirmary so called to reschedule.
They said no problem and arranged for August 1st.
Yesterday banging on the door,it was the police.
The nurse had called them worried she was hurt or dead as I had cancelled two apt's.
Then following the police,another police and a nurse who came in.
Seen she was alive and left.
This has totally made me question asking for any help.
This has made my stress levels so much worse.
When they come for the Assesment in August
I'm gonna tell them to stuff their "help"
Aibu here ?

This sounds very stressful. My experience is that what you will get is lots of assessment and safeguarding but very little hands on help. That said, I would go ahead with the assessment in August for your family member's sake. But it does feel stressful interacting with these agencies, which would be worth it if you got lots of help but less so if not! But your family member might well be eligible now for more support for you or even residential care, so I would keep going even if it feels unpleasant. Sounds like you have done a good job, it's one of the hardest out there.

They have done a welfare check. Not sure why this had made you question contacting SS. Welfare checks are GOOD things. It's no reflection on you or a problem going forward.

Don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

Please do keep the appointment for the assessment. It may be stressful and there will be a lot of questions to answer, but it may open doors for support for you.

Do you know that there is a special area of MN for people caring for relatives with dementia? I'll try to find the link for you.

You are doing an amazing job. Caring for someone with dementia is just the hardest - been there and done that. It's draining, and frustrating, and you know that things can only get worse, not better. However you will also know that you did your best for your relative - and however wonderful some of the carers or support workers can be, no-one else will ever do as much as you are doing, or make such a difference to your relatives quality of life, in many small ways.

Try not to take their questions and intervention personally. The police and social services were acting correctly. Repeated cancelling of appointments is a flag for abuse. That's not to say that everyone who cancels appointments is abusive of course. But it's safer that they follow up on 100 people who cancel, just to find the one who is suffering. (Lack of dental care is also a flag interestingly. Our dentist was brilliant, but I made sure that she knew that I was doing my best to get mum there, even when we couldn't get out of the house.)

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/dementia MN Dementia board here]]

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents MN Elderly parents discussions (all relatives included, not just parents) here]]

Best of luck. And remember to look after yourself when you can. Caring for someone else really takes it out of you, and looking after yourself is important - and helps them too in the long run. You are allowed to feel angry/frustrated/tired. Keep on posting here - you will find lots of practical and emotional support.

I know they were doing their job but she's so well cared for it was upsetting.
They came in ,she was sat eating her yoghurt and smiling.
They only stayed 2 mins and left.
Do you think they knew she was safe and well looked after ?
They wouldn't have left otherwise would they ?

Yes stressful to have the police arrive, but they were only looking out for the vulnerable person. So you should see it for what it is, a safety net for all of us.

Try and keep the next appointment, and see what they can do to help. Surely this would be best for all of you.

And in answer to your question, yes they would not have left if they thought she was in any way potentially at harm.

If you have told them you are desperate, can't cope and mentally unwell then they have probably had to follow a procedure, as they still haven't seen you both.

Give them a chance to help op.

The problem is if this happens say ten times and they only come out to nine cases and the one they miss is abuse they’d be hauled over the coals and rightly so
Please keep the appointment it will open a few doors for you
They where doing their job
Sending hugs cos it’s bloody hard

Op, honestly, they know she is safe and well looked after, she is lucky to have someone as caring as you and they will have noted that. However, for everyone patient that is well looked after, there is one who is horribly neglected and so for that reason these checks must be done. Good on the nurse for flagging up something that didn't seem right, ok she was wrong this time but it's still good they followed up. Flip it round, if your family member didn't have you, you would want her checked up on.

It's a safeguarding procedure, you cancelled twice and they need to check. Too many cases where it has gone bad and they didn't check so better safe than sorry. It's not personal if any comfort.

Are you getting any support, sarere? It must be incredibly draining.

Imagine if they didn't do anything and she wasn't well cared for, or wasn't in a good way.

I understand your upset but they're damned if they do, damned if they don't.

I completely understand why it was a stressful experience for you OP. But these procedures are in place for a really good reason. They saw she was fine and happy, so they left. Job done. It can be the difference between someone who is being abused or neglected getting the help they need or not.
Please go ahead with the assessment in August, and good luck

Sounds like they’ve done an excellent job tbh in checking all is well, you sound like you could use some support for yourself as it must be exhausting caring for your loved one. Take a breath and you’ll realise this wasn’t a bad thing.

Oh bless you! Yes, of course they recognised a loved and well cared for person. They went away happy and won't have given it a further thought. They will be as relieved as you that there is nothing to worry about.

Just think of some of the people they visit and what they must dread discovering. In the very worst case, it was missed appointments that helped to discover the carers who were recently imprisoned for murder of the vulnerable lady they looked after! They had carried on claiming her benefits and being paid for years. It must be horrendous for a social worker to turn out to see someone and to find that they are not being well cared for or worse.

Are you the only person with responsibility for your relative’s care 24/7?

That must be so difficult. I work with dementia patients (in a healthcare setting). It can be incredibly hard work for carers/relatives.

Please do accept the appointment & any help offered. If you don’t think enough help has been offered - push for more. You need something, maybe help from carers at home, a day centre placement, respite care or even a residential placement - all depending on your relative’s health & your ability to cope.

You sound to be doing brilliantly well at the moment, your relative is lucky to have you there for her.

Yes it is bollocks. And if they'd come and she wasn't ok they'd have done sweet fa. If you'd rung them and begged for help they'd have sent you some pamphlets. Or done a tick box assessment and left you to it.

Adult social "care" are a bad joke. They will do anything to guilt/force you into "coping" and will offer nothing unless forced and even then as little as possible.

It's been unsettling for you, I understand that and it's a horrible time all round but please don't be stubborn. Keep the assessment, this is not going to improve and you are going to need help. You don't want to fight for this assessment again. Good luck

Um you cancelled two appointments, they were just doing an welfare check.

I'm gonna tell them to stuff their "help"

You do realise if adult social care are concerned then they will not just leave your realtive 'alone' especially if they feel there are concerns over safeguarding. Your relative needs extra support so it is for the best you keep the appointment.

YWBU to tell them to stuff it, keep the appointment and get the extra help you deserve.

YANBU to be in shock about them turning up with police, but please try to remember they didn't know what a fantastic job you are doing. Just that someone asked for help with an elderly relative and cancelled two appointments. They have a duty to check, i can imagine how insulting it must have felt. But they would not have left if they weren't happy with the care your providing. I know it's cliche but see it as a good thing that they do care about your relative.

You need the help. I know from experience.
They were doing their job . It was just a welfare check to check that all was ok.
Keep the next appointment and accepts the help offered for your own sanity.
I remember ss coming to do an assessment on my MIL. At the end of it they told her what help she was entitled to and they could arrange. She said " I don't need any help, I have sugarplum" it was at that point that I said I could no longer look after her in my home unless she agreed to other people helping. I was on my knees at that point and couldn't have carried on.

Actually, I think that sounds incredibly heavy handed. Were the police in uniform?
I could imagine that could be very distressing, not just for you but for your relative as well.
I understand the need for welfare checks, but are the police really needed? Presumably there is no history of violence etc.?
Still OP, I would try to work with SS as it is probably in both of your interests, but I would definitely explain to them how the way in which you have been treated has left you feeling as I think you have a right to express that view.

I'm gonna tell them to stuff their "help"

Why would you do that when, with a 96 year old dementia patient, you'll certainly need their help pretty soon? Come to that, how have you got to the point where you're already providing this care yourself - aren't there any others who can share the load?

@ishouldbedoingsomework he was in uniform and was stood there with his batten.
He said if I never answered he would have had to break the door down.