Social services have made me regret ringing them ...aibu ?

[sarere]

I've been a carer for years for my family member who is 96.
I've struggled as they have dementia and I'm only young and it's been hard mentally and emotionally.
The doctors never really helped me and fobbed me off.
I pushed and pushed for her to get a mental health Assesment at home.
The first apt a few days before she wasn't well so I rescheduled it and Monday I had to take her to the eye infirmary so called to reschedule.
They said no problem and arranged for August 1st.
Yesterday banging on the door,it was the police.
The nurse had called them worried she was hurt or dead as I had cancelled two apt's.
Then following the police,another police and a nurse who came in.
Seen she was alive and left.
This has totally made me question asking for any help.
This has made my stress levels so much worse.
When they come for the Assesment in August
I'm gonna tell them to stuff their "help"
Aibu here ?

im really sorry this happened.it must have felt really scary and threatening.that a natural reaction so let yourself feel that and let it go as it settles.
when we feel shot at or confronted or threatend we retreat and run.try to calm down and not do that.
try to think of it another way.someoe was being abused and they cancelled two appointments how thankful would you or their relatives be if the police and nurse came to check after only missing two appoitments.that shows care.
your not in the wrong to feel like you do.when your caring fir someone or in a vunerable position the healthcare system can seem very looming and often like your stuck between a desperate rock and a hard place.and you cant do anything right.
but you are doing amazing.so try and reach out for that help.it isnt letting your pride down it isnt admitting they were right.just that this confusing situation happened but underneath that all your relative still needs the help.and you need the rest too.and support.
they will give you options.that is then something you can decide to go forward with and might be the ease you needed.
keep going i know its a scary stressful position to be in.

So you've pushed & pushed for an appointment, cancelled it twice & are pissed off that someone was sent to check that all is OK?

And now when they come to make an assessment you're going to tell them to stuff their help.

Dear oh dear.

It's not about you & your hurt feelings.

It's about your GM & what's best for her.

You've admitted that you're struggling-get any help you can for both of your sakes.

I think you sound as though you are doing an amazing job, and I hope you do go through with the assessment and are offered support.

I imagine that the safeguarding watchdogs are on full alert ATM following the dreadful case which finished this week where it appears carers killed and disposed of a poor girl in their care then lied about it for many many years so they could continue to draw her benefits. She was badly let down by a great many people who were fobbed off by excuses.

Your relative and people like her are very vunerable, she is lucky to have you, spare a thought for those who are not cared for by loving kind people and have to rely on the watchfulness of strangers to protect them.

They might be concerned that she has died and you are still claiming any benefits she is receiving.

It's not at all the same, but I've had welfare checks on me a few times when I wasn't expecting it. It is indeed shocking and so stressful.

It's just procedure though. You and your grandma need and deserve support, don't tell them to piss off, keep pushing instead. Get the help, ask for respite. You both need and are owed it.

OP
I think some of the comments on here are a bit unnecessary.
I would have been upset too if the police had turned up on my doorstep, particularly when I was trying my very best to help.
I do think there could have been a better way to undertake what I appreciate are necessary checks.
I hope you manage to get some help and support for you relative. X

You are under a lot of stress but you need this help. Please accept it. I do wonder if they didn’t receive the message the second time. Sometimes you leave a message with someone and it doesn’t get passed on.

In all honesty, I am a bit surprised the clinic didn’t make contact with you first via phone. I have only ever requested a welfare check when I am getting no response to phone calls, unannounced visits and letters as well as having a reasonable belief someone is at risk of harm.

From their perspective, you asked for help and didn’t attend. In reality, life is far more complex than that.

I’m sure you’re doing a wonderful job of caring but are you looking after yourself? Are you getting support? A poster said it isn’t about you. I disagree. It is about both of you.

I hope you can understand their perspective and are able to accept the help, even though it wasn’t ideal for you.

It may not just be a question of accepting help, it may be a question of you pushing for help. If you are even remotely managing then they may be very happy with that and run away fast due to lack of resources. You need to be clear you can no longer cope on your own and it is dangerous for you to continue (e.g. for bathing/falling/safety reasons).

Lots of people on here are assuming SS will be keen to help. They have a statutory duty to assess but then may not help - social care is in chaos and vastly under-resourced so the OP may need to be very pushy to get help- it's hard as you want to be perceived as doing a good job, which you are, but you also need to make it clear help is not just needed but required for safety reasons, otherwise they may not help nearly as much as some people on this thread seem to think.

A district nurse turned up to change my Dad's dressing and, when he didn't answer the door, she phoned me. I was able to tell her that he was with me, if she had had no answer from me a visit with the Police might have been the next step. She was worried about him and acted on her concerns, we should be grateful that these Health Professionals bother.

What a horrible thing to happen OP after all you have done for your relative, these people made you feel like you weren't doing enough.

A district nurse went to see my dad after he'd been paralysed by a stroke, he didn't answer the door as he couldn't walk. She shoved a note under the door and left. I think its just luck of the draw if services show concern or arrogance. I second what @Nearlyalmost50 says. These are not kind people coming to help, there may be kind people involved, but SS in most areas are just ticking whatever boxes come to hand.

It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. Do push for help - even though you resent interference.

A relative of mine in her 90s (no dementia) lived alone 120 miles from us and would generally not accept help. A couple of times we called the police because we hadn't been able to contact her and we worried she had been taken ill or had an accident. The police would turn up and if necessary they would have broken the door down. They had rescued quite a number of elderly people who were in difficulty and had not able to call for help so they wouldn't have walked away and left her.

Don't take this visit as anything other than social services and the police doing their jobs. They were clearly reassured you are doing a wonderful job which is why they left so soon.

Do push for some help - it would be good for you and your relative though it might be hard to come by. Social services are hideously underfunded.

Good luck.

Op firstly please don't feel they were thinking you were not caring properly and they were checking on you.It may have been the nurse didn't get the message about cancelled appt , it is standard to do a welfare check if they are concerned.I have worked in care for over 20yrs and did my DF palliative care so i know how tough it can be .Please push for and accept help you are doing and amazing job but you can't do it forever on your own .I had carers come in to help with my DF because even though it is my job i still needed that break .I did get help quite quickly mainly because i knew how to access it but sometimes you have to push otherwise they won't offer .But you sound like you are doing an amazing job but remember you need to look after you too .

OP, how are you related to the person in question? At their age, with their health condition, they are a vulnerable adult. As such, if a professional hasn't seen them in a while and you've cancelled appointments, this raises concerns over their safety, hence the police presence.
Your relative will now most likely be appointed an adult social worker who will support you in caring for them.

You can't refuse their help or support, particularly if you're not the next of kin and don't have any legal right to act in their capacity.

diddl i am going to respectfully disagree with you. Of course it is about OP and how she feels too .I cared for my DF in his palliative stage of his illness until he passed and i am an experienced carer and it was the hardest most emotional time so my life so your post is incredibly harsh.Carers like OP are worth their weight in gold .To care for someone especially with dementia is one the most caring things you can do .So the carers feeling need to be taken into account to they are not superhuman.

I'm literally gobsmacked, I can't believe how some posters are talking to the OP like she's a nuisance and needs to get over it. How about if she was to get over it by not acting as this person's carer any more? I presume those speaking to her like a naughty child haven't ever had to care for someone themselves?

@Soontobe60 well, if OP doesn't have any rights, how about she exercises her right not to bear this physical and mental burden? WTAF

It must have been scary. However as PP have said there have been a number of cases where missed and cancelled checks have been hiding abuse so they have to follow up. The police were probably relieved that they found a happy, well cared for person given what they sometimes have to deal with.

Please take the help they offer both for your relative and yourself.

It's taken you so long to get to this point, please don't bin them off because you're pissed off. Was it really necessary to cancel both appointments or were you trying to avoid them like you originally avoided asking for the help? Be honest with yourself, are you just seizing on this as an excuse to back out of asking for help?

And I say that as someone who's been on the receiving end of a police "welfare check". I know it's shit and intrusive, but bear in mind everything he was wearing as a police officer is just what he would have been wearing while on duty anyway - he didn't put it on just for attending the call to you. He probably didn't even think that you'd register the kit he had on him.

For you seeing him there with a baton on his belt was scary and upsetting, for me it was seeing them standing in my house with handcuffs on their belt. Which is one of many reasons police doing welfare checks can be so distressing. But he didn't put his baton on especially to attend your house, it would have been there anyway. He didn't have it out to use it, it was just one of many things on his belt.

Be upset by all means, but please don't focus on that or use it as an excuse to back out of taking the scary step of continuing to push for the help you need.

Soontobe60 OP is caring for her family member and has been for a while by the sound of it and yes you are right their is no capacity to make decisions because of the dementia. But OP whilst you cannot go for poa because of the dementia you can apply for guardianship of your family member if you Google it will explain more .Far to much to write her .

"Of course it is about OP and how she feels too ."

To a point of course it is, but in this case Op seems to be putting how she feels before the best interests of the person she cares for.

When SS have been ignoring OP's relative for years despite numerous attempts by OP to get a MH assessment, it is a bit ridiculous - and a waste of police time - to take fright suddenly because two appointments were rearranged. If OP wanted to harm or neglect her relative, she could very easily have kept quiet and SS wouldn't have had any idea about it.

I would have thought the that fact that Op had tried hard for an assessment & then cancelled twice would be exactly what would raise concerns & be acted on tbh.

Let's hope OP's concerns about being able to cope are going to be acted on so very quickly and conscientiously.

What support have you got in place?
Are you living with your relative or doing visiting care?

At the assessment, tell them what a bad day looks like. Expect them to want to see around the house, including your relative's bedroom.

Before the assessment, can you get to the Citizen's Advice Bureau? They will tell you what you and your relative are entitled to based on your circumstances, and the route locally to get it (e.g. if you need equipment or home adaptations, how to get them will depend if the relative is in a private or Council house, the route to an occupational therapist might be via social care or your relative's GP).

Go to your own doctor and see if they offer anything for Carers, e.g. "Carer's Prescription". Again, will depend locally on what you can get.

Look after yourself. If you don’t do that, then you won't be able to look after anyone else, so accept any help offered.

diddl you are coming across as being particularly goady instead of helpful .What horrible thing to say that OP is putting her own interests first .OP does not HAVE to care for her family member you do realise that she is doing it because she cares .Jeez you any idea how hard dementia is i do wonder because of your posts .