First time poster. I have recently gone through a breakup with my 20+ year DH. The last couple of years there has been emotional abuse. We only separated this month and I felt the need to write and send this letter to my ex. My DH rang me and asked me what I meant by the letter, got really cranky and said he had less respect for me writing it. I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve (maybe closure?) but the letter was from the heart and I guess I was trying to get across that I loved him but needed him to know how much damage has been done. How would you interpret this letter because I'm now wondering if my letter was unreasonable. Sorry it is long.... and for context, the breakup was over a nasty rumor that wasn't true.
^Thanks for talking with me on the phone last night. You gave me some really good things to think about. Before our conversation, I was feeling resigned to always ‘longing’ for your love but I’ve woken this morning feeling a bit more enlightened. The ‘respect’ topic was something that I don’t think we’ve focused on before and I think you hit the nail on the head. I knew there was an overall theme to way I feel I’ve been treated the last 2 years (and I know you think the same) and it is exactly as you said – respect has gone.
In the end, I can’t do anything to earn your respect or trust back because I have no control over it and it is something you have to work out for yourself. I know that the only thing I have done to lose your respect is to have not coped with our situation. Throughout our relationship, you’ve fallen in and out of love with me but up until the last couple of years, I feel that the respect has always been there. I feel I have nothing left to help you regain the respect you once had for me. I have tried everything I can to make you see that I love you but things completely out of my control have made you think otherwise.
I hope that over time, you realise I was never the villain – I was made the villain by a misinterpreted fact that had absolutely nothing to do with me. You often tell me that you’ve simply pointed out things you’ve heard and that is ok. But it was never ok that you treated me as if I had anything to do with it. The only reason you lost respect for me is because of what you assumed and I did not deserve that.
Because of my love for you, I decided that I didn’t care about our past problems because you made me feel so loved and cherished that I would have done anything for you. I did all I could throughout this saga – 2 years is a really long time to put up with someone not treating you nice - and it was eating me up alive watching you go through all that crap believing it was all my fault. Once you started treating me the way you decided I deserved, I fell apart and that didn’t help the situation.
I know I deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect and unfortunately, that is not how I've been treated. I get upset when you bring up the past as if our entire relationship has been a joke. You blame me for the way I didn't previously commit 100% to our future but that was in your control too. I always felt we were too different and I was always honest about these feelings and why I was uncertain about the future with you. You cannot blame me alone for the past because you made the choice to stay in our relationship too. I never made you do that.
The most certain I’ve ever been about our future together was when I said 'I do'. As soon as we got married, I wanted to change my surname but I didn’t feel I could because you were telling me that I wasn't who I said I was. I wanted to add your name to my tattoo but I didn’t feel I could because the future became uncertain again.
I have always been honest about my feelings – good or bad and if that makes me a bad person, I’m sorry you feel that way. If I made you feel insecure in the past, it was never my intention. Again, if you didn’t like me being honest about how I felt, you could have left or made it easier for me to leave. I never felt that I could leave you because you fought so hard to not let me leave. Maybe I should have been stronger and left anyway back in the early days but unfortunately, where you are concerned, I’ve pretty much always given in to you and put my own needs second.
Based on previous discussions, you are probably ‘laugh-snorting’ as you read my declarations of love and honesty and I can’t do anything about that. You are choosing to believe that I am someone that I am not now, or have ever been based on things that I have no knowledge or control of. I can’t change the way you think – only you can do that.
I do honestly hope that in the not too distant future, we both find happiness. I am very lonely without you but at the end of the day, I deserve to be treated like the loyal, respectful, honest person I am. ^