Was I being BU to send this letter to my ex?

[WantingMoreFromLife]

First time poster. I have recently gone through a breakup with my 20+ year DH. The last couple of years there has been emotional abuse. We only separated this month and I felt the need to write and send this letter to my ex. My DH rang me and asked me what I meant by the letter, got really cranky and said he had less respect for me writing it. I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve (maybe closure?) but the letter was from the heart and I guess I was trying to get across that I loved him but needed him to know how much damage has been done. How would you interpret this letter because I'm now wondering if my letter was unreasonable. Sorry it is long.... and for context, the breakup was over a nasty rumor that wasn't true.
^Thanks for talking with me on the phone last night. You gave me some really good things to think about. Before our conversation, I was feeling resigned to always ‘longing’ for your love but I’ve woken this morning feeling a bit more enlightened. The ‘respect’ topic was something that I don’t think we’ve focused on before and I think you hit the nail on the head. I knew there was an overall theme to way I feel I’ve been treated the last 2 years (and I know you think the same) and it is exactly as you said – respect has gone.

In the end, I can’t do anything to earn your respect or trust back because I have no control over it and it is something you have to work out for yourself. I know that the only thing I have done to lose your respect is to have not coped with our situation. Throughout our relationship, you’ve fallen in and out of love with me but up until the last couple of years, I feel that the respect has always been there. I feel I have nothing left to help you regain the respect you once had for me. I have tried everything I can to make you see that I love you but things completely out of my control have made you think otherwise.

I hope that over time, you realise I was never the villain – I was made the villain by a misinterpreted fact that had absolutely nothing to do with me. You often tell me that you’ve simply pointed out things you’ve heard and that is ok. But it was never ok that you treated me as if I had anything to do with it. The only reason you lost respect for me is because of what you assumed and I did not deserve that.

Because of my love for you, I decided that I didn’t care about our past problems because you made me feel so loved and cherished that I would have done anything for you. I did all I could throughout this saga – 2 years is a really long time to put up with someone not treating you nice - and it was eating me up alive watching you go through all that crap believing it was all my fault. Once you started treating me the way you decided I deserved, I fell apart and that didn’t help the situation.

I know I deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect and unfortunately, that is not how I've been treated. I get upset when you bring up the past as if our entire relationship has been a joke. You blame me for the way I didn't previously commit 100% to our future but that was in your control too. I always felt we were too different and I was always honest about these feelings and why I was uncertain about the future with you. You cannot blame me alone for the past because you made the choice to stay in our relationship too. I never made you do that.

The most certain I’ve ever been about our future together was when I said 'I do'. As soon as we got married, I wanted to change my surname but I didn’t feel I could because you were telling me that I wasn't who I said I was. I wanted to add your name to my tattoo but I didn’t feel I could because the future became uncertain again.

I have always been honest about my feelings – good or bad and if that makes me a bad person, I’m sorry you feel that way. If I made you feel insecure in the past, it was never my intention. Again, if you didn’t like me being honest about how I felt, you could have left or made it easier for me to leave. I never felt that I could leave you because you fought so hard to not let me leave. Maybe I should have been stronger and left anyway back in the early days but unfortunately, where you are concerned, I’ve pretty much always given in to you and put my own needs second.

Based on previous discussions, you are probably ‘laugh-snorting’ as you read my declarations of love and honesty and I can’t do anything about that. You are choosing to believe that I am someone that I am not now, or have ever been based on things that I have no knowledge or control of. I can’t change the way you think – only you can do that.

I do honestly hope that in the not too distant future, we both find happiness. I am very lonely without you but at the end of the day, I deserve to be treated like the loyal, respectful, honest person I am. ^

I think it was brave OP. I think the only cringing going on should be from PP who have nothing kind or constructive to say.

I wouldn’t worry about his response though - as another poster said, you’re challenging his narrative and that will never go down well.

But move on with your head held high. I hope you find happiness in the near future.

You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Remember Eleanor Roosevelt, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I wish you all the good things

I think the important thing for you to remember OP is that your letter could have said anything at all and your ex would have found a way of using to abuse you, because that is what abusers do. I completely understand why you wrote and sent it - it’s to try and rebalance some of the injustice of him treating you so badly over something that was completely out of your control. You wanted to make him see that, and the letter was an attempt to show him.

The important thing for you to know is that no matter how well you had expressed yourself, no matter how honest and sincere you were, you could never have convinced him to understand your position, because he’s not actually someone who believed a rumour and thereafter lost respect for his wife. He’s an abuser who seized an opportunity to control and manipulate you.

Don’t feel bad about sending the letter. It wasn’t at all cringe, and if it was something you wanted to do for closure then it has served its purpose. But please don’t beat yourself up thinking you could have written it differently and somehow made him understand your POV. It’s not your fault that he is an abuser, and that everything he does is in the interests of exerting control over you.

You’re about to enter a beautiful new phase of your life where you are free from this manipulative bully. I wish you all the absolute best from it

I think it was an honest letter, and something you needed to write and he needed to hear. Don't delete it, keep it for times when you need a reminder of why you left.

Of course he isn't going to like it, you called him out on his bullshit behaviour, he doesn't like it. He wants to be the good guy and paint you as the bad one. Ignore him, he's using his "lack of respect" as a stick to beat you with.

Awww. You're all very kind. Thanks again. Regardless of positive or negative comments on this board, I can proudly say that today is the first day in a long time that I haven't had a good old cry about things. It's been so helpful to get some comments and support from others. Before long I feel like I will go back to my pre-husband ideas of doing something wonderful in my life.

I think the letter was too long and would have been better to keep if for yourself. I have a controlling mother and have done what you did. I sent something very long, trying to sort things out. I also tried to talk to her. Both made the situation worse. So don’t beat yourself up.

Unfortunately he is never going to recognise himself. You say he’s controlling. To genuinely see himself, he would have to lose that control and it will be too scary for him to do this. Now he is lashing out to feel better and regain control because your letter made a dent.

If you take a step back you will recognise his reaction was very predictable. There is nothing you can do or say to change how he treats you because his behaviour is about him, not you. You could not get him to see this during the relationship. You have even less chance now that you have separated.

I agree with my fellow mnetters. From now on, keep conversation brief, factual and non emotional. If he tries to draw you into an argument, use grey rock techniques.

The only sort of letter he will have been interested in receiving from you will have been something puffing up his pride. He still would have used it against you. From now on, save your energy to protect your children.

I agree, it is the sort of letter you write but never send. A type of therapy to get it all out.

The letter's sent. Don't worry about it. Move on.

Consider as well, he's confirmed to you what a twat he is by using the "respect" stick to hit you with now he knows that's what will hurt you the most. The outcome of that letter has given you absolute certainty that you've done the right thing walking away from him, so the letter has served you well, just in a different way to what you expected.

It's done now, If it helped you, good. but he clearly wasn't going to give anykind of generous response, given the story.
IMHO However for an outsider I think the message was needy & too wordy. It repeated the same thing badly.

He is a bug. Worse, a parasitic bug carrying disease. This is how you need to start visualising him in your mind. He has treated you appallingly and you have let him. Cut him out entirely and that includes never giving him any thought at all. Every contact you have with him is handing another opportunity to abuse you. Move and and be seen to move on. It's the only way.

@WantingMoreFromLife that isn't cringe worthy at all. I think the posters saying that are projecting their own embarrassment onto your letter. It was very clear so don't feel bad about it; the statements needed to be said and it's good you finally stood up to him. I second @mathanxiety's suggestion to get this moved to the Relationships board. You'll get some good help and support there going forward.

And no matter what and how much other posters goad you, do not give more details about the rumour, etc! The Daily Mail and other rags go trawling MN for stories.

I was fully expecting to cringe at your letter and wish that you’d run it past us before sending, but you know what? Your letter was the truth, it was strong and it told him that you’re not apologising for anything anymore, that you never had anything to apologise for and it’s his behaviour that has destroyed all traces of your marriage

Sure he won’t like it, but it’s truthful and his pissy response is merely proof that what you said DID ring true. His “less respect” comment was designed to undermine your words, to lessen the power you gained by writing it, and I hope we’ve helped you see through that.

You’ve been abused for so long, lost contact with people who cared about you, lost touch with yourself

Now you’re free! You’ll find yourself again, you’re going to be happier and the only regret is that it didn’t happen sooner.

Well done for being truthful, the power this gives you is enormous!

My mantra when leaving my ex was “the truth will set you free” now you can be honest about the person he was to you and the person he made you be. Forgive yourself for everything and work from now on to ensure your own happiness above all others. Then you can share your love and happiness with others.

I found when I split up from my ex, (married 22 years, he had a 4 year affair) I needed to write to him, to put my point of view, and felt better afterwards even though he would never accept what I said.
Unlike you, I realized that to carry on loving him was destructive, so for a while I had to hate him, until then I had thought that our emotions were not in our control, but I was pushed to a point where my very self was in danger. I no longer hate him, but think of him as a sort of annoying member of the family, who I don't have to see very often, and have had a happy relationship since with a second husband, I am now widowed.

You will never get respect from him.
He is not a person that you can reason with.
His behaviour towards you was unreasonable.
Draw a line under it, the letter is a good ending, let go of the drama which he created on his terms.
You gave the relationship all you could give, let the letter be the end of any emotional response he will ever get from you, just keep it practical and superficial from now on and get a good divorce lawyer- he's manoeuvred you out of the house somehow, you need to fight to get your share of the marital assets.

It's done.
You have gone over what has been said and done looking for an error in your behaviour in the past and now you are doing it again with the message.
It's done. You can't change it or the past.time to start moving forward.

If he loved you, then he would have used your words to try to get you back. Instead he used them to hurt you. He doesn't love you and he doesn't want you to be happy. That's useful information for you to know as you move forward with your divorce, so that you are not drawn in by any of his mind games during the process. Best of luck for the future.

So your h of 20 years believed some gossip about you about something that happened 18 years ago and threw away your marriage over it???

Wow.

I think it was fine to send the letter. You're setting out honestly how you think your relationship went and what happened to kill it. You're also setting out what you need and want in a relationship. Your h failed you massively so obviously he's not going to want to read that!

But what I noticed was that you mentioned respect a lot and how important it is, and his response was to say that he has less respect for you now! Nasty git.

But now, move on. Keep things very cool and formal between you,. Focus on YOU and what YOu want. Forget about him. Get a good settlement for you and the dc and move on.

You could consider doing the Freedom Programme? Sounds like you put up with a lot of shit over the past 2 years.

The letter had been sent, it's time to move on as soon as you can. I think the advice of minimal contact from now on is a good one.

Clearly your ex's lack of faith in you by believing another person is soul destroying as it's come from the one person who should be fighting your corner. As he didn't do that he's no loss. However much love you have for him it clearly wasn't returned. You are experiencing loss and grieving so be kind to yourself.

Sounds like he had some kind of Madonna/ whore complex going on. Once there was a suggestion that he had been ‘fooled’ all these years, he knocked you off the pedestal & treated you like shit. And I suspect he was a controlling arse from much earlier in your relationship.

He has less respect for you now? Doesn’t matter, you’re divorcing him. You need to get the mindset that you no longer care about what he thinks. You just need to be civil to each other for the children’s sake.

Good luck & if the letter gave you closure, that’s a good thing.

@Mix56 How very generous of you to tell OP that her letter was 'needy and too wordy'!!!

OP you have been emotionally abused for years and for what it's worth I think you did the right thing - why shouldn't he have it underlined what a total shit he has been to you. Going forward now though do not give him another thought - he simply does not deserve it. He's messed with your head for too long and now is the time for you and your children to have the life you deserve my lovely!! xx

It's over. Only you can give yourself closure so the letter was never going to provide closure from your ex. However if writing it helped you , then that's good. Imo you should have burned it not sent it

You are a lovely, brave lady. We don't need to know the details. The situation is clear.

Protect yourself. Good solicitor. Keep all communication between you on record (emails/texts etc).

I think it was truthful, from the heart and a good thing to do for yourself. I think it is the beginning of your new life. It doesn't matter what he thinks at all.