Was I being BU to send this letter to my ex?

[WantingMoreFromLife]

First time poster. I have recently gone through a breakup with my 20+ year DH. The last couple of years there has been emotional abuse. We only separated this month and I felt the need to write and send this letter to my ex. My DH rang me and asked me what I meant by the letter, got really cranky and said he had less respect for me writing it. I'm not sure what I was trying to achieve (maybe closure?) but the letter was from the heart and I guess I was trying to get across that I loved him but needed him to know how much damage has been done. How would you interpret this letter because I'm now wondering if my letter was unreasonable. Sorry it is long.... and for context, the breakup was over a nasty rumor that wasn't true.
^Thanks for talking with me on the phone last night. You gave me some really good things to think about. Before our conversation, I was feeling resigned to always ‘longing’ for your love but I’ve woken this morning feeling a bit more enlightened. The ‘respect’ topic was something that I don’t think we’ve focused on before and I think you hit the nail on the head. I knew there was an overall theme to way I feel I’ve been treated the last 2 years (and I know you think the same) and it is exactly as you said – respect has gone.

In the end, I can’t do anything to earn your respect or trust back because I have no control over it and it is something you have to work out for yourself. I know that the only thing I have done to lose your respect is to have not coped with our situation. Throughout our relationship, you’ve fallen in and out of love with me but up until the last couple of years, I feel that the respect has always been there. I feel I have nothing left to help you regain the respect you once had for me. I have tried everything I can to make you see that I love you but things completely out of my control have made you think otherwise.

I hope that over time, you realise I was never the villain – I was made the villain by a misinterpreted fact that had absolutely nothing to do with me. You often tell me that you’ve simply pointed out things you’ve heard and that is ok. But it was never ok that you treated me as if I had anything to do with it. The only reason you lost respect for me is because of what you assumed and I did not deserve that.

Because of my love for you, I decided that I didn’t care about our past problems because you made me feel so loved and cherished that I would have done anything for you. I did all I could throughout this saga – 2 years is a really long time to put up with someone not treating you nice - and it was eating me up alive watching you go through all that crap believing it was all my fault. Once you started treating me the way you decided I deserved, I fell apart and that didn’t help the situation.

I know I deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect and unfortunately, that is not how I've been treated. I get upset when you bring up the past as if our entire relationship has been a joke. You blame me for the way I didn't previously commit 100% to our future but that was in your control too. I always felt we were too different and I was always honest about these feelings and why I was uncertain about the future with you. You cannot blame me alone for the past because you made the choice to stay in our relationship too. I never made you do that.

The most certain I’ve ever been about our future together was when I said 'I do'. As soon as we got married, I wanted to change my surname but I didn’t feel I could because you were telling me that I wasn't who I said I was. I wanted to add your name to my tattoo but I didn’t feel I could because the future became uncertain again.

I have always been honest about my feelings – good or bad and if that makes me a bad person, I’m sorry you feel that way. If I made you feel insecure in the past, it was never my intention. Again, if you didn’t like me being honest about how I felt, you could have left or made it easier for me to leave. I never felt that I could leave you because you fought so hard to not let me leave. Maybe I should have been stronger and left anyway back in the early days but unfortunately, where you are concerned, I’ve pretty much always given in to you and put my own needs second.

Based on previous discussions, you are probably ‘laugh-snorting’ as you read my declarations of love and honesty and I can’t do anything about that. You are choosing to believe that I am someone that I am not now, or have ever been based on things that I have no knowledge or control of. I can’t change the way you think – only you can do that.

I do honestly hope that in the not too distant future, we both find happiness. I am very lonely without you but at the end of the day, I deserve to be treated like the loyal, respectful, honest person I am. ^

I think it was perfectly fine and sounds like it something you needed to say to your husband that you've recently split from. Also sounds like he's been using this rumour as a stick to beat you with

This illustrates what I hate most about MN, a vulnerable woman reaches out for support and has some spite and/or sarcasm thrown back at her, I know there are people who feel AIBU is no holds barred and anyone is game for attack, but it’s sad that more and more in this topic women post with sensitive issues and as women I just feel we should be more careful and sensitive with our replies.
OP, you’ve had a rough time and I hope you go from strength to strength after what was obviously a damaging relationship

HobbyIsCodeForDogging, I'd rather not say what the rumor was but we'll just say that if you are a person with a lot of personal integrity, it is something you would be grossly offended at. It doesn't really matter though, because the rumor was exactly that. Someone else was covering their butt and padded the story by adding an innocent's name to it thinking it wouldn't get back to them.

I don't really understand the letter. I guess I would n3d to know the facts to get the context. Obviously a lot of context is necessary. It seems heartfelt, though, and I hope it brings you a sense of closure as you work to move on into the future.

That's something that's probably good to be written as its therapeutic. And then folded up and read it to yourself when you feel stronger, until you rip it up and bin it.

The situation you have hinted at in your letter and described in your posts is a relationship with a person who keeps on moving the goalposts and refusing to acknowledge any part he played in the turns the relationship took.

It's a situation where you couldn't win for losing.

Your letter was perfectly fine. The fact that your ex chose to use it as an occasion to insult you even more speaks volumes about him. The fact that you don't know if you were reasonable to send the letter shows that this man has messed with your head. You are allowed to express your feelings. He is not allowed to gaslight you, to stonewall you, to laugh-snort, or to treat you with disrespect.

Now that you have expressed yourself you need to draw a line under the relationship. You will never get an acknowledgement from your exH of the pain he caused, let alone an apology for the way he treated you. No 'closure' will be offered by him - you will need to work on that yourself. Look up the Freedom Programme, and contact Women's Aid to see if they can refer you to a therapist.

You need a really good lawyer.
Your ex is very likely to use divorce negotiations as a means to punish you for finally leaving.

@WantingMoreFromLife you should click 'Report' in the line above your first post and in the dialogue box that pops up you can ask MN to move this thread to the Relationships board.

Example:
WantingMoreFromLife Fri 19-Jul-19 01:05:22 Add message | Report | Message poster

If it helped you to write and send it that's fine. You don't need his permission or respect. It really doesn't matter what he thinks.

You wrote saying
it is exactly as you said – respect has gone.

In the end, I can’t do anything to earn your respect or trust back

I have nothing left to help you regain the respect you once had for me

The only reason you lost respect for me is because of what you assumed

I deserve to be treated with love, kindness and respect

There is more but basically stating that respect is what you need and are craving. Highlighting your pain and the focus of it. You say his response was

My DH rang me and asked me what I meant by the letter, got really cranky and said he had less respect for me writing it.

Think about that.

So were you being unreasonable to send a letter telling your X what hurt you?

No of course not.

Are you unreasonable not to notice what he does with that?

Yes.

It sounds like your relationship was hard work and that you seemed on eggshells around his love and indifference. I would say that someone would fixate on an 18 year old non credible rumour then they are looking at an excuse/reason to withdraw and check out. Had it not been the rumour, perhaps he would have found another way to make you a villain and force your hand.

Sometimes a letter is a cathartic process so get your interpretation and feelings over especially if you are being gaslighted or shouted down. You have done it now. Ignore his 'I have less respect for you now' jibes, you have moved out. The trick now is to remain amicable during the divorce and dealing with the children whilst trying not to rake over hot coals.

It is absolutely fine that you sent it, you can do whatever you like you know, you are no longer under his umbrella. If it made you feel a bit better then that's great and do you know what? if he didn't like it - well tough bloody luck! You can tell what sort of an arsehole he is by his response, well you are free of his crap now and he can take his 'respect' for you and shove it up his arse

He has been distrespectful to you for a while. Hard though it is, you have to stop judging yourself based on what he says.

Did you want to send the letter? Did it help you to let him know how you were feeling? Then it was the right thing to do.

Listen to your own conscience. If you wanted proof that it was him that’s being unreasonable then you have it. He’s telling you who he is and he’s not the person you thought he was. You poured your heart out to him and he has scorned you again.

As someone upthread said, you should try the Freedom Programme.

He is possibly coming out of the white heat of your separation. He had justified it to himself. You were the bad guy and you leaving justified that view.

Now people around him may have told him that they didn't blame you for leaving. Who knows? Perhaps he was planning to 'forgive' you. Your letter scuppers that as it makes clear that there is nothing to forgive.

Now what does he have? A dawning realisation that he was wrong, that he was a fool and that he has thrown his marriage away.

For someone who was so convinced he was in the right that's going to be a bitter pill to swallow.

My XH lost respect for me years ago and treated me with utter contempt towards the end of our marriage.

I too sent messages along those lines...which he also didn't like.... but it was my way of standing up to him, getting my feelings and opinions out - opinions that l had been to scared to voice for so long.

I do look back and cringe slightly about it but l have also moved on with my life.

Interestingly he shows me more respect and consideration now then he did for the last few years of our marriage.

Whether your XH will do the same only time will tell, but don't settle for anything less then you deserve in the divorce and don't let him mess you around with arrangements.

Eventually you will move on and you won't care what he thinks of you

OP, you say that you now wish you hadn’t sent it. Why?

Is it because you hoped the letter would make the situation between you and your ex better, and it hasn’t? To be honest, if he believes some rumour about you even though it’s not true, and uses it against you to make your life hell, then no letter in the world will suddenly turn him into a rational, reasonable human being, who trusts his wife rather than a malicious rumour. If that was what you were hoping for then you would never have been able to achieve that.

I think it's a very good letter, calm, measured and to the point.

His huffing and puffing is because he knows many of the points you have made are true and he doesn't want to take on his share of the blame.

Injustice always rankles and this will always hurt you on some level, but I hope now you have expressed your feelings you can start to move forwards. I wish you well.💐

You’ve been treated unfairly and manipulated. He treated you so badly that you left the family home! He should have been the one to leave. He’s done a very good job at getting what he wants (the house) by gaslighting you! Is there equity in the house? Is your name on it? Time to see a solicitor and get what’s rightfully yours. Forget the letter. Tough if he doesn’t like it. You didn’t like being lied about, treated badly and being forced out of your home. Time to find a backbone and stop listening to his opinions. He didn’t listen to yours! Go see a solicitor and get back in the house. Did you leave with the kids? I hope you’re claiming all the CMS you can. The truth is he’s wanted out of years but was too much of a coward to do anything about it. His is typical avoidant behaviour. You’re being gaslighted and manipulated. It would be good for you to 1) see your own therapist 2) do the freedom program 3) read why does he do that. Start educating yourself on the forms of narcissistic abuse. You’ll find you’ve been living in an abusive marriage since this “rumour” started. Interesting how he automatically believed your involvement rather than jumping to your defence eh? Did he start the rumour? Has all this been a ploy to get rid of you? Time to start taking back power. That will give the arsehole something to respect.

I don't think you've done anything wrong here at all. I think writing the letter was pointless as he is clearly an abuser and abusers do not like having a light shone on their behaviour. I would think there was abuse present throughout your relationship but it only became intensive after this "rumour" reared it's head. You're better off out of it and I hope in time you'll see that and learn to ignore his poisonous ways and comments.

It's hard for posters to understand because we don't know the situation, don't know you, don't know the past event that prompted it... so we take a snapshot view of you and your relationship because that's all we can do.

However, it's plain you've been hurting and had to get it all out via a letter..

However... (and I don't want to make you feel worse saying this because what's done is done etc so maybe this is just some thoughts for the future)
I dont think men read letters like we read letters. I think women pore over them, dissect them, try and work out what the sender means, they really try. I think men are more likely to skim read, pick out a couple of points they don't like and react to that.
The other point I would make is... what I've learnt in my chequered life (I'm old!) is... silence is very very powerful. You can achieve more by silence than anything.
I also think it's cathartic to type things out and not send it. It helps to put your thoughts in order, to make everything crystal clear in your head, then apply the silence and be strong!

I hope things improve for you OP.

@Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis has nailed it.

You told him what was the most important thing to you and he is now using it as another tool to hurt you.

The rumour is completely irrelevant here, if it hadn’t been that it would have been something else. He’s an abuser.

Get a good lawyer and get this waste of skin out of your life!

The only reason you lost respect for me is because of what you assumed and I did not deserve that.

I would say that if he truly loved and respected you, he wouldn't have believed the rumour. Reading between the lines, and in some cases just reading the lines, I would say he has been abusive and manipulative for a long time. The rumours he chose to believe just escalated things.

You can't undo the letter OP but especially since you have children I would from now on keep any contact with him as brief and factual as possible. Only contact him over practical things. He does not sound like a kind or good person. Be glad he will no longer be your husband.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I really appreciate it. I think when you are in a situation like I was, you start to lose yourself and get confused about what is really right and wrong vs what your emotions tell you. He definitely didn't want out for a long time though I have asked myself the same thing. I think he has MH issues to believe something as firmly as he did - it was something that I would never in a million years be a part of and the man I married knew that. The marriage counselors told me they believed he was very unwell. He has always been a bit controlling but tame in comparison to now and when he loves, you really know it and feel treasured. But unfortunately, this level of adoration makes the fall so much bigger when taken away over something so stupidly wrong.

I feel better that I wrote the letter and (cringe) sent it. And you are all right - I shouldn't care what his response is. When he rang and said he'd read it, I initially said 'no need to comment on it at all' but then towards the end of the conversation, my curiosity got the better of me. Lesson learnt.

Thanks again everyone :)

Never cringe. Head up, eyes forward, own your life and emotions.

When this bit of gossip came up he may have already been at the start of a midlife crisis. This gossip allowed him to focus his frustrations on you. For 2 years it was all your fault. All of it from job frustrations to the weather.

People around him told him it wasn't true but he wanted to believe that it was true. That way in his narrative everything bad was because of you.

Of course he isn't happy about the letter. He is using the 'respect' word because he knows it hurts you. It could have been any word. The precise words don't matter. What mattered was to hurt you.

What next for you? Keep moving on. Don't look to him for the love and respect you want. Remember that at the point where he should have been asking you for forgiveness he chose to lash out, to hurt you again.