To question My husbands behaviour below:

[lifeasweknowit12121212]

Hi,

I am really at the end of my tether. I love my Fiance to bits, but he is just absolutely draining the life out of me. I am so tired.

I work full time, I have 21 month old who goes to Nursery, he is currently off long term sick following his Dads death. So I am being extra sensitive at the moment , and I certainly haven't brought up any of these issues with him yet because I don't know how to , and I don't want to appear like I am being Harsh or judgmental. But basically I have noticed these things since we first got together , can anyone perhaps let me know if any of these symptoms point towards anything - this is the first time I have let any of this off my chest

-Constantly reminding him to do stuff that he said he would do the first time round - for a clear example, the old hoover has been sat in our hallway now for the last 2 weeks because He said he would fix it and sell it on, I have asked him around 10 times, now I just give up as it still isn't done. -He does not remember important dates/ times – Another clear example, we were discussing what we would be doing for my birthday which is upcoming soon, and he told me very confidently that my birthday is the 20th August, when it is in fact the 19th August ( we have been together a few years - not a few months) ( He also has no clue of when his Mum and Dad's birthdays are, I have to remind him every year) -He is not interested in keeping or being organised around the house, or for himself/ -he can have outbursts childlike behavior and become very hyperactive. -He almost doesn't listen to what I say to I have to repeat myself in simple terms, a few times for you to remember. -He doesn't clean up after himself unless I nag -He speaks to me very confidently about things that he thinks we have genuinley spoken about or things that I have told him when we haven’t at all. -He misses out major details in conversations or completely goes off subject to a different subject. -Very Bad time management - eg , he was never on time for every date or meet up we had in the early years when we got together. The only reason he is ever on time now for anything is because of me. -I constantly feel like I carry the household eg - cleaning/cooking/washing/tidying -I constantly ensure that tasks are complete or done in the house or wherever we are -Even when he completes a task, its not always 100% correct or done properly unless he is 100% focused on it, or unless it would benefit him in the end. -He can make outbursts to people without thinking and offend them - for example, he always tells his brother how fat he is and that he should diet. -Sometimes he will never give me a straight answer, he will start off giving me what he thinks is the answer to my question, but then completely goes off subject and ends up giving me a completely different answer. -He is very gentle , very caring affectionate and loving towards me, his family and our son -He rarely gets angry and he has a very laid-back disposition

-Work seems to be a constant struggle for him at the moment,. Ever since I have known him he is always being picked up on things ( he is a customer service manager for a team )
-he says things to me for example; he thinks a certain way about something, when in reality it isn’t that way at all, its almost like he is living in a dream world/his own land/makes stuff up , because it sounds right to him in his head]

• always talks before he thinks.

-I feel like I cannot rely on him , he forgets to brush my sons teeth in the AM before Nursery. I have to now be late for work to ensure my sons teeth are brushed. -He Gets lost in video games/card playing – very focused on those particular things.

I just really am unsure of what these things are , or whether they are even anything ? It's starting to really take its toll and become quite unattractive I guess.

I love him so much and worried that if I ever said anything he would get very upset by it.

Please let him go. It must be hell for him, living with someone who holds him in contempt.

Off topic but Surely the habit would be to call him your fiancée rather than your husband if you're not married. If you haven't married him yet then why would you be in the habit of referring to him as your husband??

Also, if you're not married yet, then maybe you shouldn't. You'll have a lifetime of putting up with this man child if you do...

There's two issues: his behaviour and then it's impact on you.
A lot of the faults listed sound like a lack of attention to detail or lack of concentration eg not finishing tasks, forgetting dates, getting mixed up on whether he's had a conversation with you or not. It could be depression. It could be exacerbated by grief. He could just be someone who doesn't or can't focus enough.
As for how it impacts you, I'd stop taking responsibility for him. Let him miss appointments or birthdays. Let him complete tasks to the level he wants.

I feel you're expending your energies in the wrong direction. You're trying to change him rather than directing your energies at improving your life.For example with the hoover, give it to someone else, put it in a skip or on a Facebook page. You don't need to be held to ransom by his inactivity.

I’m not really sure we can change people or should really try. If you marry I think this will be your life.

I felt drained just reading your post, you living with it must be totally exhausted.

The important thing to me was the end of your post -

"I just really am unsure of what these things are , or whether they are even anything ? It's starting to really take its toll and become quite unattractive I guess.
Let's look at this first. Are you trying to diagnose him? Relate it to depression over his Dad's death or ADHD/Autism/something medical? Given that you've said "I have noticed these things since we first got together" I think we can rule out it being a reaction to his Dad. So do I think "any of these symptoms point towards anything" - not really. Possibly. Maybe. Maybe not.

I do however think that you would you prefer it to point to something. You would like there to be something that you could point to, something about which you could say 'See, it's because he's got X, he's not choosing to be like this, he does love me, he just doesn't see that he's draining the life out of me and making me responsible for everything, having X stops him from being able to see what he's doing to me!'

I can see the attraction. Because if he has X then it's not your fault, it's not his fault, it's X's fault and once you both know you're dealing with X then there will be a way to make it work. Happy endings all round, march into the sunset hand-in-hand.

What if he doesn't have X?

Then you're faced with his behaviour being how he chooses to behave. How he chooses to treat you.

You describe him as "gentle , very caring affectionate and loving towards me, his family and our son ...rarely gets angry and he has a very laid-back disposition". All good qualities - but you can have too much of a good thing. Being laid-back can backslide into being lazy and unmotivated, and frankly everything you've listed as a 'symptom' could easily fit under that category. My guess - and it is just a guess - would be that he is content to drift, leaving all the decisions and responsibilities and effort to whoever will pick up his slack. You being 'whoever'.

And that's why I think you'd prefer if there was an X you could lay all this at the feet of. Because dealing with a lazy/unmotivated partner, is unpleasant and makes you wonder if they love you at all. (Possibly. Maybe. Maybe not. ) And, you have to make a very important choice between three options.

1. He gets his act together, you stay
2. He continues being lazy/unmotivated, you stay (exhausted and unhappy)
3. He continues being lazy/unmotivated, you leave

Now, he is NEVER going to get his act together if you don't make it VERY clear to him that this just cannot continue, that you are buckling under the pressure. So you need to talk. And there we have the last thing you say in your post - "I love him so much and worried that if I ever said anything he would get very upset by it." Well, he should get upset about it, when he realises the pressure he is putting you under. And you absolutely should not be worried about upsetting him. Unless maybe you are worried that he won't be upset, but will instead be very laid-back about it?

You need to talk to him about this.

I have not answered our phone for years. It all goes straight to answering machine. The telephone companies must be making a lot of money by facilitating these fraudulent calls. They are in effect in league with criminals.

It really sounds like ADHD to me. Have a read up. The fact he is having difficulty at work and at home is telling. Some men seem to not be able to do anything in the home and leave it all to the woman but when this is the issue the excel at work but can't seem to do basic things around the home! He's having trouble everywhere it sounds like. Has he had these difficulties since childhood as they wouldn't just appear suddenly.

If just since his dad passed could be depression??

He sound an awful lot like both my MIL and my son, both of whom have ADHD.

Yep @lifeasweknowit12121212 as a few other posters have said, he sounds like many men. Lazy and entitled and expecting the woman to do everything. If he can get away without doing something, he will.

Stop enabling him, He can't keep using his dad's death as an excuse to be lazy, and entitled.

There is nothing 'wrong' with him. We have all had to deal with death, financial problems, and relationship issues, amongst many other life problems, and we don't all turn into lazy, entitled fuckers, who expect other people to wipe our arse, and spoon-feed us.

Your fiance is not a 'caring person,' he is taking the piss, and the fact that you 'love him to bits' is helping him mug you off - big time.

Make it stop.

NOW.

I think he and you have different outlooks on housework etc. You’re the tidy, organised one, and he isn’t. You’re bothered by mess, jobs not being done, etc, and he isn’t.

I'm another one saying ADHD. My husband has it (found out recently) and it's explained a lot of stuff about him and our life together. He's currently untreated though due to loooong waiting lists for adult support and it's blinking hard. I have to be the breadwinner and remember everything at home as well. We're still together after 19 years - just!

What with the sexism, mine has never been like this and we both live with depression and have both lost our parents.
Yes, nobody can tell you how to grieve but life does have to go on, all the normal daily routine has to continue, especially if you have responsibilities. Stop enabling him to be like this, make him do stuff for himself.

He sounds like a good man and he is struggling. But I don't think you have the empathy needed to be with him. You either need to accept him as he is or walk away. And my opinion is - sorry OP I would cancel the wedding.

DarkClouds

I'm glad to hear that

If it is depression then of course inertia is an issue, so the sufferer hates feeling this way but feels powerless to take action.

has he ever lived on his own I wonder?

Stop mothering him
He has to brush sons teeth etc, grief can make you v forgetful but it sounds like he needs to do more to help himself
Relate counselling and if he refuses to grow up - leave