To question My husbands behaviour below:

[lifeasweknowit12121212]

Hi,

I am really at the end of my tether. I love my Fiance to bits, but he is just absolutely draining the life out of me. I am so tired.

I work full time, I have 21 month old who goes to Nursery, he is currently off long term sick following his Dads death. So I am being extra sensitive at the moment , and I certainly haven't brought up any of these issues with him yet because I don't know how to , and I don't want to appear like I am being Harsh or judgmental. But basically I have noticed these things since we first got together , can anyone perhaps let me know if any of these symptoms point towards anything - this is the first time I have let any of this off my chest

-Constantly reminding him to do stuff that he said he would do the first time round - for a clear example, the old hoover has been sat in our hallway now for the last 2 weeks because He said he would fix it and sell it on, I have asked him around 10 times, now I just give up as it still isn't done. -He does not remember important dates/ times – Another clear example, we were discussing what we would be doing for my birthday which is upcoming soon, and he told me very confidently that my birthday is the 20th August, when it is in fact the 19th August ( we have been together a few years - not a few months) ( He also has no clue of when his Mum and Dad's birthdays are, I have to remind him every year) -He is not interested in keeping or being organised around the house, or for himself/ -he can have outbursts childlike behavior and become very hyperactive. -He almost doesn't listen to what I say to I have to repeat myself in simple terms, a few times for you to remember. -He doesn't clean up after himself unless I nag -He speaks to me very confidently about things that he thinks we have genuinley spoken about or things that I have told him when we haven’t at all. -He misses out major details in conversations or completely goes off subject to a different subject. -Very Bad time management - eg , he was never on time for every date or meet up we had in the early years when we got together. The only reason he is ever on time now for anything is because of me. -I constantly feel like I carry the household eg - cleaning/cooking/washing/tidying -I constantly ensure that tasks are complete or done in the house or wherever we are -Even when he completes a task, its not always 100% correct or done properly unless he is 100% focused on it, or unless it would benefit him in the end. -He can make outbursts to people without thinking and offend them - for example, he always tells his brother how fat he is and that he should diet. -Sometimes he will never give me a straight answer, he will start off giving me what he thinks is the answer to my question, but then completely goes off subject and ends up giving me a completely different answer. -He is very gentle , very caring affectionate and loving towards me, his family and our son -He rarely gets angry and he has a very laid-back disposition

-Work seems to be a constant struggle for him at the moment,. Ever since I have known him he is always being picked up on things ( he is a customer service manager for a team )
-he says things to me for example; he thinks a certain way about something, when in reality it isn’t that way at all, its almost like he is living in a dream world/his own land/makes stuff up , because it sounds right to him in his head]

• always talks before he thinks.

-I feel like I cannot rely on him , he forgets to brush my sons teeth in the AM before Nursery. I have to now be late for work to ensure my sons teeth are brushed. -He Gets lost in video games/card playing – very focused on those particular things.

I just really am unsure of what these things are , or whether they are even anything ? It's starting to really take its toll and become quite unattractive I guess.

I love him so much and worried that if I ever said anything he would get very upset by it.

Yes I also can’t believe the posters who are saying this is typical man behaviour - it’s not. He just doesn’t care about certain things because they’re not important enough to him to bother.

In the kindest possible way I think you need to split up.

If you marry him I believe you'll regret it.

You say he spends a lot of time gaming and you spend a lot of time doing the housework.

That is not a fair division of labour. I'm not surprised you're drained.

he told me very confidently that my birthday is the 20th August, when it is in fact the 19th August

I wouldn't worry about this one. My SIL thought her own son's birthday was on the 18th until I pointed out it's the 19th.

He sounds a lot like me, I have Asd and chronic depression. But function if needed. I literally only leave my house if I need to. If I can put it off I will but will mum up for ds. I can be sloppy with things like hygiene....... particularly things that can't be seen ie teeth brushing and showering before getting smelly (( if I can't see it or sense it then what's the problem ? )) Dp has always taken over in that regard.

I catastrophise the silliest things like making a phonecall or filling in a phone. Particularly if there is no deadline. People like me need a date. I will meet that date, it may well be at 5.29pm on the date needed but I will meet it. Give me no.date and it just becomes another thing.

Housework I struggle with but cope by not buying stuff so low clutter. I shave a one in one out system. I do hoard tho. Particularly things that have a use. But I'm getting over that now I've discovered freegle.

I'm crap at putting myself first,. To the point where I have barely any clothes. I just don't see the worth in buying for me or having someone else do it. It's sad. And I'm aware of it but it is how it is.

I can become totally absorbed in things until I start to lose. Most recently it was bloody coinmaster.of all things. I'm over that one now tho and spending far, far too much time online. My phone doesn't leave my hand. It isn't healthy. But I'm aware it's escapism and I need to deal with that .

A few things help. Routine being one of them. I find I'm better with that.

Exercise. Not just a walk but a good burst to get the heart rate up. I seriously need to get back into this. I can tell DPS worried but he doesn't know what to do. It's up to me to sort it. But I also know when the time is right he'll help me.

Not piling on more pressure. Regarding the hoover thing say if it you don't want to do it just bin it. Or stick it on freegle. But offer the help in that.

He sounds like a good man who's massively struggling. You sound like a good partner who's out of her depth.

And as for some of the responses the rates of male suicide are the highest they've ever been. It's an epidemic. And I bet a good number of those men were disregarded as lazy and hard work beforehand. A bit less ignorance and a bit more kindness will go a long, long way towards treating that illness.

Do you think he might have ADHD? I have it and a lot of those traits sound like untreated me. Not that it makes it easier to deal with but a diagnosis might start the journey towards improvement.

He sounds pathetic, childish, selfish and rude. Why on earth are you still with him ?

He sounds autistic - was he like this pre his dads death?

You sound incompatible.

How long have you been together? The way you speak about him, it sounds like he's not your son's father.

My own mother regularly gets my birthday wrong!

sodone I totally agree. I was nodding to myself as I read it. He reads like a bleddy checklist for ASD diagnosis.

It’s nothing to do with having a penis! It’s either his personality or a condition that he has or both, but am really shocked by all the ‘oh he’s just a man’ responses. That’s so sexist. None of the men in my life are anything like this.

I don't think it all sounds worrying. I'm sorry but I do think it is him mostly being a man, I know others disagree! I don't think you should split up as it has been suggested but he needs a kick up the bum and to start pulling his wait, i do think when it's all done for them they let us do it. The things like brushing the childs teeth, yes it should be done but I do think we are the ones to think of it more and men are normally laid back. I know im painting a bad picture and no it's not right that men act like this etc but i think some men are just like that

Read your post and thought adult ADHD.

I deal with this diagnosis day in, day out in my job.

*weight

This isn't going to be helpful but I've got a diagnosis for you: a lot of these appear to be symptoms of 'being a man'.

They really aren't. And for others who have said similar things, this is not normal male behaviour. You don't have to put up with it as such and they don't need to excuse it as such. It could be laziness, depression, some form of disordered thinking or him just being an annoying slob. It categorically isn't him being a man.

And I agree, ignore the sexist comments. It’s not normal ‘man’ behaviour.

He may very well have ADHD but like some pp have said, there are techniques he could use (lists, electronic diaries and reminders etc.) to deal with it but he clearly doesn't want to because it's all working pretty well for him right now. Why should he bother himself when good old lifeasweknowit will pick up the slack and sort everything out for him?

@Mitzimaybe or he hasn't been diagnosed yet and internally kicks himself about his laziness and inability to adult. For the longest time I believed I was lazy and not meant to be on this planet because I just couldn't do basic things that adults manage to do (opening my letters, finding my keys, brushing my teeth everyday, finding my letters, paying bills and fines when I had the money, paying fines and late charges even though I had the money). I was depressed and suicidal and it took me admitting to my husband that my favourite daydream was not existing anymore... if there was a way I could commit suicide without upsetting anyone because they never knew I existed...I would do it. That's when he knew I needed medical help because on the outside I was cheery as anything in the hope people just dismiss my chronic disorganization and lateness as being scatter brained.

I don't think it's a coincidence that OP's partner is depressed... It's normally comorbid with ADHD due to the internal judgement and struggle. But that internal judgement is intensified by unsympathetic comments such as yours that people with ADHD hear everyday. That's not to say that OP has to put up with it, but that her partner might not be taking advantage of her, and simply might not know he has a condition requiring external intervention to change his behaviour.

Wel he could have ADHD, certainly, and if he does, he might be able to set up some systems in his life that reduce it's impact - both on you & the rest of the family, but also on him and his work. f he doesn't, he also has to recognise that his behaviour is unfair on you.

But either way, first he has to recognise that his behaious is having an impact on you, that it is unfair and unreasonable, and that he will need to put in quite a bit of effort to change.

If he doesn't want to change, it doesn't realy matter if its ADHD or not - its just that if he does, he might be able to get more specific help . If he doesn't have ADHD, but still wants to change - he might manage it. If he doesn't have ADHD and is just a selfish lazy arse who doesn't want to put in the effort to treat you and everyone esle around him fairly and d ecently, then there won't be much you can do.

@Belenus sorry forgot we had to put (lighthearted) after every tongue in cheek post 🙄

Interesting post topsecret, that's opened my eyes a bit!

Sounds like you are married to my husband, as you have just described him.
Yes, it is very annoying, but you have to decide whether you can live with it or not, as it is very unlikely he will ever change.

He is a perfectly normal man

What phenomenal bollocks.

I despair at the low standards MN posters have for themselves, and apparently their sons.

ps - my husband filled a form in for a club dd joined. He gave her the wrong middle name!!

What is it with people diagnosing significant disorders on the Internet. It's beyond bonkers and makes rhe poster look like an idiot

Op, some of that is fairly typical Male. Much of it is about lack of thought and caring. You need to talk to him about how it's impacting you.

Bottom line is you may be incompatible,

‘Some men are like that’ - to all the posters saying that, you do realise you don’t have to uncritically accept that or date/marry these useless wastes of space? Having a penis is not an excuse for being inept, lazy and inconsiderate and if you think it is, you need to examine why you have such little self-respect and low standards

Your husband sounds depressed to me ...bereavement can cause this big time