To question My husbands behaviour below:

[lifeasweknowit12121212]

Hi,

I am really at the end of my tether. I love my Fiance to bits, but he is just absolutely draining the life out of me. I am so tired.

I work full time, I have 21 month old who goes to Nursery, he is currently off long term sick following his Dads death. So I am being extra sensitive at the moment , and I certainly haven't brought up any of these issues with him yet because I don't know how to , and I don't want to appear like I am being Harsh or judgmental. But basically I have noticed these things since we first got together , can anyone perhaps let me know if any of these symptoms point towards anything - this is the first time I have let any of this off my chest

-Constantly reminding him to do stuff that he said he would do the first time round - for a clear example, the old hoover has been sat in our hallway now for the last 2 weeks because He said he would fix it and sell it on, I have asked him around 10 times, now I just give up as it still isn't done. -He does not remember important dates/ times – Another clear example, we were discussing what we would be doing for my birthday which is upcoming soon, and he told me very confidently that my birthday is the 20th August, when it is in fact the 19th August ( we have been together a few years - not a few months) ( He also has no clue of when his Mum and Dad's birthdays are, I have to remind him every year) -He is not interested in keeping or being organised around the house, or for himself/ -he can have outbursts childlike behavior and become very hyperactive. -He almost doesn't listen to what I say to I have to repeat myself in simple terms, a few times for you to remember. -He doesn't clean up after himself unless I nag -He speaks to me very confidently about things that he thinks we have genuinley spoken about or things that I have told him when we haven’t at all. -He misses out major details in conversations or completely goes off subject to a different subject. -Very Bad time management - eg , he was never on time for every date or meet up we had in the early years when we got together. The only reason he is ever on time now for anything is because of me. -I constantly feel like I carry the household eg - cleaning/cooking/washing/tidying -I constantly ensure that tasks are complete or done in the house or wherever we are -Even when he completes a task, its not always 100% correct or done properly unless he is 100% focused on it, or unless it would benefit him in the end. -He can make outbursts to people without thinking and offend them - for example, he always tells his brother how fat he is and that he should diet. -Sometimes he will never give me a straight answer, he will start off giving me what he thinks is the answer to my question, but then completely goes off subject and ends up giving me a completely different answer. -He is very gentle , very caring affectionate and loving towards me, his family and our son -He rarely gets angry and he has a very laid-back disposition

-Work seems to be a constant struggle for him at the moment,. Ever since I have known him he is always being picked up on things ( he is a customer service manager for a team )
-he says things to me for example; he thinks a certain way about something, when in reality it isn’t that way at all, its almost like he is living in a dream world/his own land/makes stuff up , because it sounds right to him in his head]

• always talks before he thinks.

-I feel like I cannot rely on him , he forgets to brush my sons teeth in the AM before Nursery. I have to now be late for work to ensure my sons teeth are brushed. -He Gets lost in video games/card playing – very focused on those particular things.

I just really am unsure of what these things are , or whether they are even anything ? It's starting to really take its toll and become quite unattractive I guess.

I love him so much and worried that if I ever said anything he would get very upset by it.

That’s a lot of complaints. Some of them bigger than others. I think you need to decide which of those complaints really matter to you, and which are realistically able to be changed, and focus on those.

Imagine if a woman didn't brush her kid's teeth - would posters be falling all over themselves to claim she might have ADHD or depression? "That's just how some women are, luv." Don't bloody think so.

He's an adult who has presumably managed to brush his own teeth and perform adult duties to the standard where he was able to date a woman and get and maintain employment. Now he's dumping it all on you.

Do you really want your son to grow up thinking it's okay for a man to treat a woman like this?

A lot of this sounds very familiar to me. My DH has dyspraxia - look up the symptoms and it's fairly obvious if someone has it, although there are loads of different ways it manifests itself.

The forgetting dates etc is because men aren't socialised to remember them as women are. Women who forgot their child's birthday would be demonised. Men, and people assume they'll be reminded.

The fact his absent mindedness and disorganisation extends to the workplace, though... is there any chance he may be ADHD? Inattentive subtype often gets missed in school, because kids who don't bounce off the walls don't cause issues that affect anyone else.

People keep saying, well, even if he is ADHD he could use aids to manage it better. That's the point: ADHD means you have to work far harder to be a tenth as organised. It could be that his ability to hold down a job and manage relationships at all means he's working very hard at it already. It's akin to saying someone in a wheelchair should just try harder to walk. If they could, they wouldn't need the wheelchair. You can't cure ADHD by trying harder at being organised, all you can do is reduce the chaos a bit. The only cure is successful medication treatment.

If it was simple learned helplessness, he'd manage fine at work, and it would affect domesticity only. The fact that it doesn't means he's consistently disorganised. Seeing the world differently and at times bafflingly so can also be a red flag. It's worth considering because ADHD is pretty unique amongst neurodevelopmental disorders, in that medication can improve the lives of 75% of the people who suffer from it. So it really is worth investigation.

I'm really sorry, though. Whether he's ADHD or just a bit of an arse, it's hard on you.

OP, read all the threads on here that have partners with all these issues. Then children arrive and the (man, usually) leave everything for their (usually female) partners to do. These are daily threads.

Imagine if a woman didn't brush her kid's teeth - would posters be falling all over themselves to claim she might have ADHD or depression? "That's just how some women are, luv." Don't bloody think so.

I would actually. I have just had a baby so haven't been on my ADHD medication while pregnant or breastfeeding (12 months so far). I always forget to brush my toddler's teeth so my husband does it. I also get him to nursery late so my husband takes care of that. Obviously when I'm back on my meds things will rebalance a little but until then I'm glad I have a super organised and understanding husband who allows me to breastfeed rather than insisting I take my medication to make things easier.

If you don't think that an ADHD diagnosis should be suggested if OP were talking about a woman, then that sexism is on you.

How do you start a new thread?

I read your OP and immediately thought ADHD - sounds a lot like my DD who has a diagnosis.

Look up hyper focus also.

It sounds like that's his personality, unless his dad's death coincided with you first getting together.

There are a range of things that could underpin that personality, some of which may be somewhat treatable (for example depressive illness that pre-dates his father's passing) and some less so but for which there may be some management strategies (for example ASD). Equally, it could just entirely be his personality.

I suppose you have an opportunity given his is on long-term sick leave for him to seek diagnosis of any condition that pre-dated his father's passing though you've said raising this with him will be difficult.

Good luck.

Why doesn’t your boyfriend look after your child instead of her going to nursery? Is he not able to? Is your child his?

Why did you out husband in the title when you're clearly not married? Is this a very new relationship and you were married before and it was force of habit to say husband?

This is really bad, please don’t teach your child this is the right way for him to behave.

Get a wall planner and plonk all the important dates and events on it. |Remind him to look.
Add all the daily chores that need doing - Organised Mum do one with loads of stickers, and remind him to check the calendar daily.

Just sounds like a man to me.

Wow. Lazy, ditzy, disorganised, tactless, can't communicate & he's in customer service!? I'm struggling to see the positives. He sounds like a teenager or manchild & I run a mile from men like that. I want an equal not a son. Time for a sit down and tell him to pull his weight. And have a daily planner on the fridge so he's no excuse re day to day schedule. If he's off with depression the meds should have kicked in by now so don't feel bad about that.

Your list basically described both me and DH. I forget to do a lot of basic tasks, and my attitude to remembering dates is awful (I only bother with immediate family and best friends. Even my sisters don't make the cut of dates I can hold onto).

DH is always late for stuff, never allows enough time and talks before he thinks. His social skills are... interesting.

Sometimes his autistic traits (and he def had them) get in the way of my ADD traits (it's interesting for me to read the list of what adult functioning women are like with ADD). We bumble along because we work well as a team with our differences. If anything he's the one despairing of me and wanting me to change.

Just recently I lost my temper and ranted at him about how I've always been the things he's now complaining about; I haven't changed and he can fuck off if he doesn't like me as I am (I am now peri-menopausal and have no time for this shit, but then I had no time for this shit when I was younger and we met. This is don't give a give phase II after a brief unsettled phase with young children)

You can't change a partner to suit you. If these traits were there from the beginning and are only now beginning to cause issue than you might need to just accept them, or negotiate small changes. If they've become exacerbated by something then they might be reducible. Marriage counselling helped us to see the strong points we both bring to the relationship. I think having children brings about the need for a new balance and ours was off for a while too, but you still can't change a person to suit you.

Sounds like moderate depression to me, trigger might be unresolved grief from the death. How's he eating, sleeping, socialising, libido, personal hygiene? If these are all impacted it's depression. Go to the GP for CBT referral and possible meds asap.

A couple of details in your post were slightly confusing. His Dad died so he’s been off work for a fairly long time but he forgets his Dad’s birthday and work are always on at him? Is he currently working or not?

If he isn’t working you shouldn’t have to shell out for nursery fees, he should be caring for your child. He also just sounds like a lazy childish bastard to me, not something with ASD/ADHD. We just like to try and make excuses for poor behaviour nowadays instead of just accepting that some people are selfish dickheads.

I wouldn’t marry him, I’d be considering leaving him. I can relate to elements of your post, the hoover thing in particular because my DH can be like this too. I just stopped doing things basically and gave up nagging him. It did work, he now generally gets on with things much quicker.

Ugh, how can you even contemplate marrying this lazy, useless lump?

Could be ADHD? Even if he gets a diagnoses to explain the behaviour it's sounds an utterly exhausting and miserable situation for you OP.

@newmomof1 I know the tone was lighthearted. Unfortunately the sentiment is echoed seriously in various posts. And as a joke, it isn't very funny. "Hahaha, aren't men just so whimsically amusing when they're lazy, forgetful and don't do anything". As jokes go, lighthearted or not, it's not particularly funny.

Depression, dyspraxia, dyslexia or add. Your list of complaints is long. There’s no indication he wants to “fix” or work on any of these issues, how hard is entering birthdays into your iPhone or using a calendar (aka pre 1980 tech).
You should get your ducks in a row and plan if he remains a useless tit by your birthday 2020 you will leave.
You love the idea of this man, your past or his potential but you don’t like him.
Don’t waste too many years on him.

That is one hell of a list op. On the upside you haven't married him yet, so still have time to replace him.

You sound like you don’t even like him imo.
If you’re not married yet - I don’t think it is a wise route to follow.

Sounds like a normal man? Seriously? Come on folks, we're surely better than that comment. Let's not be sexist twats

Google Inattentive ADD
I have it and a lot of stuff from your list resonates with me too

ignoring forgetting birthdays....other things you have said are a big deal.

do you want to marry him? Do you want to always be the one responsible and in charge? What happens if you fall ill?