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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum shaming at play group

103 replies

Oilyskinproblems · 18/07/2019 12:09

This morning I took dc to play group. A 3 yo girl tried to take a toy my 3 yo was playing with from him so he gripped the toy tighter. She then full on attacked him and I had to struggle to pull them both apart. When I finally managed to her nail marks were imprinted in my sons face. To make matters worse the same girl had come and taken toys off my 1 yo a few times before that.

The girls mum was sat down at the side deep in conversation (where she had been all morning). I went over and explained what had happened thinking she might apologise or start watching her child but she just laughed and said oh I didn’t see that and carried on talking. I then said you should really watch her to make sure it doesn’t happen again and started to walk off. The rest of the session I noticed her and the mums she was with glaring at me and at one point the mum in question started crying. One of the other mums came over and said I’d made her feel really bad and it was “mum shaming” (never heard anyone say that irl before).

Anyway I don’t think I was in the wrong here - I wasn’t abrupt I said what I said in a neutral tone. However regardless of whether I was “mum shaming” aor not, aibu in thinking you should watch your children at play group? I don’t mean you have to stalk them and be involved in their every interaction but surely you should keep an eye on them to make sure you can run over and intervene when things like that happen? Fine have a cup of tea and a conversation but so many parents, grandparents, caters etc just sit at the side talking or on their phone and just don’t even look up.

OP posts:
ChristmasInJuly · 18/07/2019 14:27

I had to go to a LOT of different baby / toddler groups until I found ones that suited us eg ones where parents actually supervised their children. I very quickly got tired of being the parent to all the children there while everyone else sat back with a cup of tea. I love the ones we go to now, and have made some really good friends. YANBU, OP. The other mum was pathetic.

LadyRannaldini · 18/07/2019 14:28

Of course ot was mum-shaming, she needed shaming! These places need to insist that these mummsies put their phones away and play at being mothers.

JustTwoMoreSecs · 18/07/2019 14:28

floribunda18 from the OP’s description the issue wasn’t that the mum wasn’t «watching her child like a hawk» it was that she wasn’t watching her at all!
Of course you are not supposed to hober over them, and yes playgroups are also for parents to relax, but they are still supposed to supervise!

LadyRannaldini · 18/07/2019 14:30

maybe the Mum was having a really bad day and was deep in convo about the fact her husband was having an affair for example. Hence the fact she easily cried

I'm sure she is capable of making up her own pathetic excuses! If she is such an inept person who can't even supervise a toddler maybe her husband is looking for someone less drippy!

Vesperia · 18/07/2019 14:31

@JumpingJaneFlash - did you actually read my post?

i'll pop it below to help you out -

she should have been watching her kid but you also don't know what else is going on, maybe other mums are glaring as she has problems at home/post natal depression/a child with adhd/autism etc that she's struggling to cope with etc etc etc

No excuse but just saying there may be a reason

urbanlife · 18/07/2019 14:31

Nope, she should have been looking after her child properly instead of chatting in the corner. You were completely right to pull her up, she is only upset because you drew attention to the fact.
Yes she may have lots of worries she needed to share, or a bad day or any number of things but as a parent when you are out, you still have to take care of your children (and ensure they don't hurt other children)

Ignore it, pathetic to cry or to send your friends over (they sound like they are still ten years old) Avoid.

Jellybeansincognito · 18/07/2019 14:46

I dunno.
What exactly does moaning to her achieve? Nothing. I’d have just left it.

She sounds like she’s got bigger issues. Don’t take it personally.

SayItLoud1 · 18/07/2019 14:56

YANBU

Too many times parents let their children run riot at toddler groups, it is not free childcare as others have pointed out.

I used to be part of a group where one particular boy would regularly attack other children, I mean forcefully push them over but the dippy mother would just laugh it off as him being boisterous. I wanted to smack her in the teeth.

These parents take offence because often the truth hurts.

twosoups1972 · 18/07/2019 14:59

Whilst I agree that her behaviour was not acceptable, I would add that you don't know her background or how horrible her day might have been. We all make mistakes as parents and for all we know she could have gone home feeling absolutely terrible about herself.

OP, you didn't do the wrong thing at all but tbh some of the bitchy comments on here sound just as bad as her friends!

dontfluffit · 18/07/2019 15:11

She was being a lazy twat and you called her out on it - good on you. Fuck the lot of them - find a nicer playgroup.

ChocChocButtons · 18/07/2019 15:16

Your in the right here. I take my charge (I’m a nanny) to a cafe that has a little soft play area. We go every Thursday morning and we always see the same mum group and one of the children spends the entire morning hitting/snatching and generally picking on all the children. Alll the whole her mum is sat chatting completely oblivious it winds me up so bad. Sad thing is this particular child just wants attention as I’ve given her positive attention before and she started being quite pleasant

Rainonmyguitar · 18/07/2019 15:19

I dunno
What exactly does moaning to her achieve? Nothing. I’d have just left it

It will hopefully make her more aware that not everyone will sit back and allow her child to hurt other children. It sounds to me as if this is the first time she's been pulled up on it, hence the pity and attention tears. Tis a good lesson for her and maybe she will start to actually parent her child now.

cowcreamer · 18/07/2019 15:20

I think you should have just told her what happened without telling her off too. The point would have been made - and probably more effectively as she wouldn't have felt so defensive/attacked.

I say this as the mother of one of the rougher toddlers at playgroup who I watch like a hawk and jump in as soon as he starts to get the slightest bit rough and sometimes other mums tell me not to worry in a slightly annoyed tone like I'm TOO concerned. It's really hard to get it right and my biggest worry at those groups is that I'll miss him snatching or hitting while I'm looking away for a second and get judged like a lot people on here are. If someone ever actually told me off I'd be mortified. In this situation no-one was seriously hurt so I think you were a bit unkind. Just my take - I'm clearly in the minority

Monsterinmypocket · 18/07/2019 15:31

You're not. If there are marks on your child and her child is snatching toys, she should be with her child. It's fairly normal behaviour for young kids, but they need to be told it isn't acceptable by their parents, not somebody else's. Anyone who knew their child was like this would do it.

I think she is playing the victim here as she is embarrassed, which to be honest isn't teaching her unruly kid how to accept criticism gracefully either. It's just teaching the kid you can do what you like as you can always accuse the person who calls you out on your behaviour as being the one who has stepped out of line.

If this sort of thing happens, I just tend to to an abrupt "excuse me" to the child and give them a stern look, or just tell the child to stop, which usually works. I dont even bother with the parents most of the time.

Jellybeansincognito · 18/07/2019 15:32

I agree with you cowcreamer.

You can’t do right for wrong really.

Kids are rough sometimes, if a parent isn’t engaged there will probably be a reason, it’s not ideal and they should be watching their children, and perhaps it’s not the right thing to do when they need a break. But telling someone off for something that’s already happened is a bit pointless.

Jellybeansincognito · 18/07/2019 15:33

That too Monsterinmypocket. It’s a bit pointless going to a parent expecting them to tell the child off, unless it’s an instant behaviour dismissal they won’t have a clue what they’ve done wrong.

herculepoirot2 · 18/07/2019 15:40

But telling someone off for something that’s already happened is a bit pointless.

Not as pointless as telling them off for something that hasn’t...

When else are you going to do it?

user1480880826 · 18/07/2019 15:41

They’ve totally misunderstood what mum shaming is.

TwistyTop · 18/07/2019 15:42

She cried? Wow. I think maybe she has some other stuff going on Nd isn't behaving rationally. It's not normal to cry in this scenario.

You did nothing wrong. I'd avoid that mum if I were you

ILearnedItFromABook · 18/07/2019 16:34

Meh, she should be ashamed of not paying attention to her kid or at least apologising when it was brought to her attention that her child was being bratty and hurting other children.

That child's probably in for some rough times, if her mother doesn't step up and parent. She's certainly doing her daughter no favours.

Hmm This "shaming" nonsense is ludicrous.

myself2020 · 18/07/2019 16:44

We don’t go to our locsl play centre anymore - a 2 year old snd his useless mum make it hell for everybody else. she sits in a corner in her phone, the kids bites, scratches, destroys other kids games (jigsaws , building blocks, trains etc - just jumps on stuff of rips it apart.

floribunda18 · 18/07/2019 17:00

Playgroups are for kids to learn to play around others, share, and stand their ground

Sounds more like nursery. The only groups I went to were more about the parents getting out of the house and having social contact with others. Mind you, I had gone back to work by the time mine were toddlers, the ones I went to were baby groups then they went to pre-school nursery at two.

justrestinginmybankaccount · 18/07/2019 17:06

This is really interesting. I was “that mum” a few days ago at the soft play area in my gym last Saturday. It all happened in a flash, I was busy rummaging in my bag for money and trying to pick off the menu and order their lunch, kids were already excitedly playing - was trying to get organised when a Mum appears quite urgently and says “are either of you xx’s mother, she is crying and upset” to myself and another mother - there has been an altercation and is missed it. So I shot up and addressed it (and felt the eyes of everyone watching) and I said thanks to the mum for getting me - my god the last thing I felt was that I’d been shamed - I appreciated the tip off!

perfectstorm · 18/07/2019 19:42

You didn't shame her. Her crap parenting did that all by itself.

JumpingJaneFlash · 18/07/2019 20:16

@Vesperia

Yes, darling, I read your post. Allow me to be as patronising as you.

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