Mum shaming at play group

[Oilyskinproblems]

This morning I took dc to play group. A 3 yo girl tried to take a toy my 3 yo was playing with from him so he gripped the toy tighter. She then full on attacked him and I had to struggle to pull them both apart. When I finally managed to her nail marks were imprinted in my sons face. To make matters worse the same girl had come and taken toys off my 1 yo a few times before that.

The girls mum was sat down at the side deep in conversation (where she had been all morning). I went over and explained what had happened thinking she might apologise or start watching her child but she just laughed and said oh I didn’t see that and carried on talking. I then said you should really watch her to make sure it doesn’t happen again and started to walk off. The rest of the session I noticed her and the mums she was with glaring at me and at one point the mum in question started crying. One of the other mums came over and said I’d made her feel really bad and it was “mum shaming” (never heard anyone say that irl before).

Anyway I don’t think I was in the wrong here - I wasn’t abrupt I said what I said in a neutral tone. However regardless of whether I was “mum shaming” aor not, aibu in thinking you should watch your children at play group? I don’t mean you have to stalk them and be involved in their every interaction but surely you should keep an eye on them to make sure you can run over and intervene when things like that happen? Fine have a cup of tea and a conversation but so many parents, grandparents, caters etc just sit at the side talking or on their phone and just don’t even look up.

[Oilyskinproblems]

Floribunda - I disagree with you. Although I understand that some mums use play groups to socialise I think they should be more about the children. It’s the first chance that many get to interact with other children and it’s so important that they learn that stealing toys and attacking other children is not acceptable. So while fights aren’t altogether preventative, the child does need to know there are consequences to their actions.

Oh and I really don’t care if I have to see these parents every week - I didn’t do anything wrong. Hopefully she’s been “mum shamed” enough to start watching. Also if it were me I would have apologised to the mum, apologised to the child and made my child apologise too.

[BlackBirdInMyGarden]

Mum shaming?!!! FFS. More like "been pulled up at not paying any attention to my kid or doing the parenting I ought to have been doing so now pulling a drama queen cry fest for sympathy"

What a load of bollocks.

[Want2727]

Ha you can bet if her daughter had come over with marks and said your son had done it she would be over all guns blazing. Shit parenting

[SoyDora]

weirdly despite having children I do not consider myself mumsy and find talking about children a bit boring but that is just me!!

Yep, definitely just you out of millions and millions of mothers who feel this way.

[Millie2018]

An almost identical incident happened to me and I responded in a similar fashion. At a stay and play group where you are told no phones and there is a clear expectation you watch your children (no tea/coffee facilities). A child grabbed my 1yr old in the face, dug nails in and I struggled to get the much older child off. My sons face was bleeding. I looked around for the mum, no where to be seen. I started asking other parents, do you know where this child’s mum is. 2 nearby parents said that child had done the same thing to their child.
I basically raised my voice so loudly the mum eventually came over. I (as calmly as I was able) explained to her what had happened and that her child had done the same thing to 2 other children. She shrugged, said sorry and walked off. I asked where she was going and she said she had a smaller child she wanted to be with. I said you absolutely cannot leave this one unsupervised while they are behaving this way. I also pointed out I had a 3yr old too and kept them together.
We then stared at each other in silence for ages, until she said ok, picked the older one up and went back to the other child.
She kept the older one with her for about 10 minutes and then let him wander off alone again. I ended up leaving. But that Mum has never been back to that group again.
I think you were fairly reserved. It did cross my mind that I might see that parent again, but that didn’t stop me telling her that she needed to supervise her child.

[firstimemamma]

What @WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt said!

Yanbu, she should have apologised not cried like a 3 yo herself!

[Kanga83]

This is why I hate toddler groups. I'm deemed to be hovering when I interact with my three year old then unreasonable when I dare teach him manners, turn taking etc while other mums clique over their coffees chatting in a corner oblivious to their boundaryless little darlings

[SantaIsReal]

I think you done the right thing. I got to a playgroup that has a mum and little boy like this. It actually got to a point where a few other mums/grandparents where parenting this child as the mum was too busy with her head in her phone!
If I found out my child acted like this, I wouldn't be able to say sorry enough and he would be in so much trouble it would be ridiculous!
This child is 3 - she should be being taught right from wrong and getting into trouble when she does something wrong!
How do these people expect children to learn if they are just being so flippant!

[Mythreefavouritethings]

Very rude of her, and she basically escalated it by being so dismissive and going back to her conversation. Even allowing for embarrassment, I would be horrified if my dd did that to someone else’s child and if I had somehow missed it, I certainly wouldn’t ignore it like that. Doesn’t bode well for them when the child starts school. You handled it fairly.

[Teddybear45]

She should be ashamed. Her daughter is clearly violent and shouldn’t be left unsupervised and you probably aren’t the first person who has complained.

[recklessruby]

Yanbu. Your poor son. This girl needs parented.
3 will soon become 4 then 5 and it won't be a mum telling her off it will be the child s teachers.
I couldn't imagine a mum crying and saying their child s teacher was being a bully for calling out bad behaviour.
She s the parent. The other parents aren't there to look after hers.

[NoSauce]

Also if it were me I would have apologised to the mum, apologised to the child and made my child apologise too

Me too and like anyone with a bit of humility and decency would have done. Hopefully for the sake of her child she’ll think on and watch her dc for future episodes like this so she can teach her child that it’s wrong to scratch etc.

[Vesperia]

she should have been watching her kid but you also don't know what else is going on, maybe other mums are glaring as she has problems at home/post natal depression/a child with adhd/autism etc that she's struggling to cope with etc etc etc

No excuse but just saying there may be a reason

[rosesandcashmere]

She deserved to be shamed, I would have done it in a more obvious way than you too!

[blueiris71]

this is why I hated playgroups and was relieved when my kids outgrew them. Mums would sit around and chat, totally ignoring their own children, for the entire time. Some of the ignored kids were aged 1+ so the sort of age which needs a lot of attention! Because I actually bothered to watch my own children, I also ended up referring and caring for other kids. There are some lazy arsed feckers out there.

[MmmBlowholes]

She was being a lazy bitch and needs to pay attention to her offspring.

[blueiris71]

refereeing! Not referring!

[isitwhatitis]

She is a shit kid

No. She has a parent who, for whatever reason, was not watching her child properly. There is no such thing as a 'shit kid'

[thecatsarecrazy]

She should have been watching her child. I watch mine like a hawk . I honestly hate toddler groups and only take mine because his siblings are older

[JumpingJaneFlash]

@vesperia that’s hardly the point. A child was violent towards another child. The mum was discussing Love Island and even when the issue was raised with her, she didn’t deal with it. We all have other shit going on in our lives and it’s great to catch up with your peers for a break from the shit but it was Playgroup, not a night out in a pub.

We all take our eye off the ball at some time and mostly there are no consequences but when you’re told your child has done something that needed to be dealt with, that becomes the priority. Not your own self indulgent feelings of being “shamed”.

Respect to OP for approaching the mum, it’s a very difficult thing to do. And a good example to set for her own child because she is letting him know he can’t copy this behaviour and expect to get away with it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Crying? Sheesh. You didn't shame her, but if she feels shame maybe she won't do it again.

[Pinktinker]

She sounds like a lazy Mum expecting playgroup to be actual childcare. If she wants that, she should pay for a nursery.

[Minai]

Yanbu. In my experience the ones with the aggressive children are always the ones who aren’t watching. There is one group I can’t go to anymore as pretty much all the mums sit far away at a table chatting and it is absolute chaos and my son has been hurt too many times.

Yanbu to point it out. It’s not mum shaming to say what you did. If she feels ashamed that is on her.

[haverhill]

I once physically caught a toddler who was just falling off a desk in the manager’s office of a play centre! Thank God I’d popped into the room next door. I took the child back to his mum and explained, she was fairly uninterested.

[pudding21]

You are not being unreasonable and she absolutely should have apologised and kept a closer eye on her child but.......maybe the Mum was having a really bad day and was deep in convo about the fact her husband was having an affair for example. Hence the fact she easily cried and was upset, perhaps she did feel ashamed and you pointing out her shitty parenting skills tipped her over the edge.

My point is you don't really know what is going on in other peoples lives, and not everyone is the perfect parent all the time.




PS. Issues like this and judgments made on other parents is why I hated toddler groups so much too.