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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum shaming at play group

103 replies

Oilyskinproblems · 18/07/2019 12:09

This morning I took dc to play group. A 3 yo girl tried to take a toy my 3 yo was playing with from him so he gripped the toy tighter. She then full on attacked him and I had to struggle to pull them both apart. When I finally managed to her nail marks were imprinted in my sons face. To make matters worse the same girl had come and taken toys off my 1 yo a few times before that.

The girls mum was sat down at the side deep in conversation (where she had been all morning). I went over and explained what had happened thinking she might apologise or start watching her child but she just laughed and said oh I didn’t see that and carried on talking. I then said you should really watch her to make sure it doesn’t happen again and started to walk off. The rest of the session I noticed her and the mums she was with glaring at me and at one point the mum in question started crying. One of the other mums came over and said I’d made her feel really bad and it was “mum shaming” (never heard anyone say that irl before).

Anyway I don’t think I was in the wrong here - I wasn’t abrupt I said what I said in a neutral tone. However regardless of whether I was “mum shaming” aor not, aibu in thinking you should watch your children at play group? I don’t mean you have to stalk them and be involved in their every interaction but surely you should keep an eye on them to make sure you can run over and intervene when things like that happen? Fine have a cup of tea and a conversation but so many parents, grandparents, caters etc just sit at the side talking or on their phone and just don’t even look up.

OP posts:
cheshirecat777 · 18/07/2019 12:35

Playgroups are important and really helpful for many - in your instance perhaps the other child had SN or emotional difficulties perhaps the mother was dealing with other stuff in her life - so always 2 sides to it

But i myself just never took to playgroups with neither of my children who have an age gap so have tried them twice - although generally the intention behind them is good- I never seemed to fit into the cloques and weirdly despite having children I do not consider myself mumsy and find talking about children a bit boring but that is just me!!

Even at my favourite playgroup some of the parents use it as an excuse to not feel they need to have any kind of control over their child. One lady has 4 children v close in age a deliberate (and legitimate) choice of hers but she then lets the kids run riot her son in particular is v naughty. But she sees it as almost time off and she deserves t with having so many kids. I find that annoying - you chose to have 4 kids - no other children should have to be subjected yo your child being naughty as a result

onyabikeivy · 18/07/2019 12:37

Your were not being unreasonable. Yesterday I was at the park with my 2.5 yo and he was holding on to part of the climbing frame and swinging his legs up, then a little boy the same size as my son came over with his dad and said "get off" and took hold of my sons fingers and was pulling him off the climbing frame.... a couple of seconds went past and I waited for his dad to step in but no, he started laughing, so I took my sons hand and said we'd go and do something else, dad still chuckling so I said "it's not really funny is it" to which he replied "oh dear" Hmm as we walked away. I spent the rest of the time thinking I'd overreacted but I wouldn't have let my son do that, id certainly apologise if he did.

DarlingNikita · 18/07/2019 12:37

YANBU. She should have been watching her child. The tears sound like crocodile tears and it all sounds cliquey and silly.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 18/07/2019 12:38

She was just embarrassed and wanted attention from her mates.

She is just one of those lazy parents who leave their kids running riot everywhere. I hate these people.

Her poor kid is too little to know better, but will never learn without an adult teaching her! You just end up having to follow your toddler in soft plays and groups to protect them from this.

You did nothing wrong OP, you were extremely nice about it. Don't beat yourself up.

DoneLikeAKipper · 18/07/2019 12:38

I go to a playgroup where parents are more likely to be having a chat than keeping a close eye on their kids. However, I happen to know for many of them it’s the only interaction they get with other adults in the day. Most of them are single mums with no help, and I don’t think anyone can begrudge them an hour or two having a chat while the kids run around a hall. However, most of the parents will instantly jump up if their kid gets into a barny with another, or deal with a situation if the children’s parents are out of the room for whatever reason.

It’s not ok to just sit there and ignore any issues, and while it’s difficult to tell another parent ‘perhaps you should pay closer attention’, sometimes it needs to be said. Wish I had the balls to do so with one parent at the moment, they’re starting to annoy everyone as their child has entered a proper ‘threenager’ stage and they do absolutely nothing about it except a sigh of annoyance and barking ‘stop it’ from their chair.

It’s not the children’s fault though. The girl in question isn’t a ‘shit child’, just a product of lazy parenting.

Outlookmainlyfair · 18/07/2019 12:39

Yup, I hated toddler groups!
You were right, but possibly did not need to tell her to look after her child - the laughter was prob embarrassment and she may have got the point at that stage.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 18/07/2019 12:41

Mum shamed Grin well that's a new one.

These type of parents never pay attention to their kids at these type play groups. She shouldn't have been flippant when you brought it to her attention that her toddler was misbehaving. She is indeed a shit mum.

ScaryBunnyPainting · 18/07/2019 12:41

YANBU and I expect the woman who came over to tell you off for “mum shaming” was told to do so by one of her clique.

MrsTommyBanks · 18/07/2019 12:42

She is a shit kid

What a disgusting thing to say.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 18/07/2019 12:42

You could have just said what happened
Without the extra” you should have been watching” bit then there would have been no tears and no accusations of mum shaming

herculepoirot2 · 18/07/2019 12:43

You could have just said what happened
Without the extra” you should have been watching”

She did, and the mother was dismissive.

mbosnz · 18/07/2019 12:45

But she should have been watching.

Truth hurts, I guess.

Cheby · 18/07/2019 12:47

I’d say at 3 scratching is probably pretty rare and does need addressing. I mean, it always needs addressing so they learn but it’s very common at 1/2 years old and less so at 3, definitely time for some targeted intervention with them. But it’s really unfair and unpleasant to calm them a ‘shit kid’. There are no inherently bad children. At that age, it’s either due to issues around learning needs or it’s due to not being given the right guidance by parents at the right time. It’s not the child’s fault.

In any case OP, YANBU. Sounds like you addressed it sensibly and calmly, I would have done the same.

NeonLights · 18/07/2019 12:48

"mum shaming" indeed! if she is that concerned about how others view her then perhaps she ought to keep an eye on her TODDLER in a playgroup. I have no sympathy for her whatsoever.

BlingLoving · 18/07/2019 12:48

I hate this element of having small kids. You have to watch them constantly and so many parents just can't be bothered. I had to laugh recently when a dad at soft play was dutifully following his DS around. except he was on his phone so while he was standing just inches from his DS, he was oblivious as he started bashing a little girl with a toy car. Me and the little girl's mum were both waiting for him to intervene until eventually we both leapt into action at exactly the moment we realised that not only was he NOT aware, the kid was about to hit the little girl in the face....

I told him it was a bit pointless following the kid around if he wasn't going to watch him. Dad shaming? I don't think so.

You were fine. And the mum was wrong. And while I'm more than willing to believe that she might have all kinds of things going on in her life that make this playgroup and catch up very important to her, that doesn't change the fact that her kid needed some watching.

LaVieilleHarpie · 18/07/2019 12:49

"Mum shaming"... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA nope.

Just look after your kid for fuck's sake.

BlingLoving · 18/07/2019 12:49

[I feel I should also say, for the record, that while my DC are largely good kind children, I also needed to watch them at that age because sometimes they were the ones grabbing the toy or whatever. And I always jumped straight in to stop them when it was necessary.]

Yeahnahmum · 18/07/2019 12:50

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User8888888 · 18/07/2019 12:50

I never really liked playgroups. I much preferred classes where you were expected to engage. Mine went to nursery so had enough of the learning to share there. Children do need to learn how to interact without their parents helicoptering but you have to know your child’s limitations. I remember going to one group where the child was a puncher but the mum knew that and never let her out of sight to protect other children. This child probably needed more supervision if she resorted to digging in nails and the mum should know that as I doubt it was the first time she’d done it.

floribunda18 · 18/07/2019 12:52

Playgroups are actually for the parents, to give them a break and have a chat, so I'd be surprised if everyone is watching their child like a hawk, or that, even if they were, it would prevent fights over toys, which are par for the course with three year olds. Having said that, her response to you was far too breezy, and she should have said "I'm sorry!" in the response.

But I do also think your further accusation then of her not supervising was a little combative and could backfire, and after all, you do have to see these women week in and week out, so going in all guns blazing may not be the best idea. One day also you will be chatting and not watching when your child clomps another on the head. Think about how you would react if someone spoke to you sharply.

NeckPainChairSearch · 18/07/2019 12:57

She is a shit kid

Nasty.

Plenty of shitty 3yo's out there. Most of them with equally shitty mums /dads. Not afraid to say that

Wow, it's so impressive that you're 'not afraid to say that.' No one else is 'afraid to say it' btw. We're not all cowering behind a cushion while you issue some kind of vital, brave truth.

It's just a fucking inappropriate thing to say about a 3 year old.

OP, YANBU.

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt · 18/07/2019 12:58

Playgroups are actually for the parents, to give them a break and have a chat

Are you serious?
Playgroups are for kids to learn to play around others, share, and stand their ground.

Of course you are expected to keep an eye on your child! If you want to socialise, get some friends for a coffee in your living room and then it doesn't matter if your child is creating mayhem.

If your child happens to hurt another one when you were not looking, the normal reaction is to apologise!

Genderwitched · 18/07/2019 12:58

Yes I think that you were being unreasonable to tell her how she should be parenting her child, you should have told her what happened and left it at that. People are way too free with their opinions on other peoples behaviour these days.

She was also unreasonable to cry, that was rather pathetic of her.

bigKiteFlying · 18/07/2019 13:00

it's ridiculous that people don't watch their kids. It's not nursery or free childcare, you still need to supervise them!

It is but I found it common - I managed to watch multiple children - my own - yet others couldn't manage one child. I found just had to intervene and distract other children to avoid such situations.

I probably wouldn't have been so direct with other mother - never goes well - I'd have gone with yes when they go through such phases they need so much watching don't they - and hoped that worked.

LaVieilleHarpie · 18/07/2019 13:01

Nope. People are not free enough with their opinions on other people's SHITTY behaviour, I'd say. Bring back a bit of good old-fashioned shaming, might make some people less entitled and anti social.