To wonder if freezing someone out is bullying?

[AllPembrok]

There is this parent in our school community. Our dc are in the same year. She must have decided years ago that she hates my guts and simply does not acknowledge me. She is on super friendly terms with everyone else but turns away when she sees me and refuses to talk to me. In fact we haven't really ever chatted, other than me trying to say 'hi' or something else friendly if and where appropriate. I bumped into her in town on the weekend and she saw me and turned her back . She is super popular so must be lovely, which is all the more confusing.

AIBU to think this is unnecessary and quite hostile? Why would someone act like this? What could I have possibly done when our kids were in reception to put her nose out of joint to this extent? It makes me feel quite anxious.

Have you ever been treated in this ostentatiously contemptuous way? She literally turns her back whenever she notices me but is so friendly with everyone else...

Just because she is super popular does not mean she must be lovely.

She is probably a first class cow!

I knew someone like this... we moved and one of my DCs started at a different primary. From Day 1, this mother turned her back on me, cold shouldered me, engineered it that I was always stood a few feet back from a group of Mums by moving subtly to block me. I assumed she felt threatened by me! It made my life difficult and I couldn't wait for my DC to start secondary. Cow.

The years rolled by. Then out the blue she moved to our v small community. Just up the road! The tables were turned as I used to organise quite a few social things which she was desperate to attend. I showered her with fake friendliness (2 wrongs don't make a right). She had to be grateful to me. Karma.

So please don't assume she is a nice woman. She isn't. Try and zone her out.

Just because she's "popular " doesn't mean that she's nice, just like the bullies at school, it's more that nobody wants to be her target and do the shitty following thing than her being liked .
Unfortunately some bullies never learn or truly grow up.
Pity her and her kids.
Hold your head up high and know you are so much better than her and stop worrying about what you may have done to deserve this as you did nothing wrong at all, she has the problem not you

Roussette What you describe in your post is exactly how this woman behaves towards me. But she is very much liked by most of our community and at the centre of it all.

It makes me feel insecure and and anxious. Whilst other mums in her large friendship group are relatively normal toward me they definitely keep me at arms length. It tough! I feel excluded and my dc are excluded from get togethers with the kids etc. can't wait for secondary. Luckily only one more year.

Yes. Purposely leaving someone out, not acknowledging them etc is deemed bullying if it is ongoing.

She's not lovely, she's a controlling bully. The other mums don't want her to turn on them, which is why they are keeping you where SHE wants you. None of them are worth bothering about if that's the way they are going to act. Very cowardly of them.

Yes, they treat it as though they are still at school too. High school will be lovely!

I am the most non insecure person imaginable but it made me neurotic! I was so puzzled as to why. She didn't know me so had no preconceived ideas but seemed to really dislike me and want to freeze me out.

The one thing I'd say AllPembrok is... your woman has issues. Whether it be insecurity, unhappiness, jealousy of others etc, she will definitely feel threatened by you and jealous of you. So it's easier for her to try and pretend you don't exist. So what I am saying is... it really is not YOU. The other women in the group are just paying her lip service and unfortunately that means keeping you at arms length. I bet they can't stand her too. Is there perhaps one or two on the sidelines you could become friendly with?

There was one very normal Mum in my lot who I singled out as lovely and worked on her. We didn't become bosom pals but it meant I had someone to make a beeline for, or someone to talk to when it was particularly difficult.

Similar to you, I only had 2 years of this and just gritted my teeth and glossed over it. Now I look back and laugh at how pathetic my woman was.

I think every area has one. For years I thought it was just me.......amazing what you can find out when you meet someone else that they have behaved badly to.......I just smile when I see her or her SM stuff knowing what I know about how others also feel but smile to her face!!!!!

I don’t think you can “bully” people who aren’t obligated to spend time with you and over whom you have no power. If someone doesn’t want to talk to me, they’re not “freezing me out”. Of what? They just don’t want to talk to me. Bit mean, bit weird in certain circumstances, but I wouldn’t feel bullied.

@AllPembrok Sad to hear this. Where do these people get off? They have never grown up, have they? Please be assured that you are the better person. I have seen this over the last few years with my children at Primary School where some parents just can't be kind and have to have power over others. Luckily tomorrow is the last time I will have to endure this on the playground and I am looking forward to the freedom to be myself without being judged or bitched about (something that has never happened before in all my 50 years - until I encountered the playground culture when we moved here). Best wishes to you and others having to endure these awful people! The truth will out!

Personally I don't think it's bullying, she's just a dick. Bullying requires a power imbalance in some way (eg if she was freezing you out and turning others against you, or her freezing you out was causing you to be excluded from other friendships/activities etc). People can be just plain nasty without being bullies.

She must feel threatened by you somehow. Too small-minded for words, it’s not worth bothering about. Definitely not lovely.

If you see her in the supermarket, say a loud “morning” as you breeze by. Don’t give her the chance to respond.

This happened to me 5 years ago. Someone was very friendly with me then overnight cut me off dead and was really quite rude to me. I racked my brains to think what I’d done and couldn’t figure it out. I even asked a mutual friend and he seemed oblivious. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about it every day for years and it ate me up. In the end I just let it go.

Being popular doesn’t automatically equal being a ‘very lovely person’ at all, in fact it’s usually the opposite.

Just because she's "popular " doesn't mean that she's nice, just like the bullies at school, it's more that nobody wants to be her target and do the shitty following thing than her being liked.
This ^^. She was probably the queen bitch at school and has never grown up. Either ignore her or go with a cheery hello at full volume followed by 'still playing your silly games and pretending I'm not here - oh bless, you must think you're still at school' with your best tinkly and uber-patronising laugh. Be confident and make it clear she doesn't intimidate you (even if she does). You might find that others start fighting back against her too.

She’s obviously not lovely is she?, otherwise she wouldn’t be purposefully ignoring you and making you feel like crap. I would assume she’s a social climber, making sure she is in with the right people and doesn’t consider you important to that end. Just stick your nose in the air and get on with your life. Often these people come to you when they realise you don’t give a stuff anymore.

See, these people are easily dealt with - if you have the kahunas

• Morning hane (bright and breezy)

Ignored

Next morning

• Morning Jane (slightly Louder, sltill bright and breezy - and still ignored)

Next morning

• Morning Jane (bellowing by now) (ignored still) - Here ! I got you this leaflet on hearing aids as you dont seem to hear me

Walk off.

Have the children fallen out and shes removed her self from your company? might your children have said something out of turn, repeated something you said ?

Agree with pp that just because she's popular doesn't necessarily make her a nice person. Just keep being you & do the best by your DC & you will gain/keep friends that way & you will be happy in yourself.

I know exactly how you feel though. One mum in my DS3's class has taken a huge dislike to me. She mostly blanks me, but even worse was the other day, when the whole year group (plus parents) was out on a school trip, her DD came over to sit with my DS & she ran over & physically pulled her away muttering something about not sitting in long grass with a skirt on (to the DD, she didn't talk to or even look at me). That really upset me, as it made all the other girls run away from sitting with us too, but luckily DS was happy to be sitting with me. I am fortunate to have lots of school mum friends already, mainly through my other DC, but it does make me feel like an insecure schoolgirl again around her. I tell myself she is threatened by me but I honestly struggle to believe it as she is pretty & popular, like my bullies at school were, so it brings all that back

A woman joined our friendship group and there was something I couldn't put my finger on. She seemed popular and I thought it was just me. She would grasp my arm and dig her nails in, message me to say no one liked me. It was awful.

Then it all blew up when someone else confronted her about her behaviour towards me. Turned out out of 8 other people, only 2 thought she was lovely. But she did some severe damage to my confidence to the point I struggle to trust people.

I assume by "super popular" she's head of the Playground Mafia. Don't worry OP - you get those fuckers everywhere. When my eldest was at Primary School none of the PM would even deign to speak to me - mainly because they were all SAHMs and I worked full-time. I noticed they were the same with the one or two other working mums. And quite frankly, when I couldn't help overhearing the PM chatting away, I found them banal to the point where, actually, I was glad I didn't make the cut for their clique. But yes, it is unpleasant but then we're not all so shallow we need to claw our way to the top of the social ladder.

I'm in sort of a similar- ish situation. My son is y4. I've never been close to the other parents but would say hi each day. Some brief conversations about the school, kids, trips etc. Never any personal conversations. Since the start of this school year not one person has said hello to me. I just get blanked. It doesn't bother me too much , as their not exactly close friends but I do find it strange and quite cold. I cannot fathom a reasonable explanation to this. The only thing I can think of is that my son is SEN and their children have probably told their parents about some of his meltdowns he can have. They may feel I'm some sort of crappy parent because of this and look down their nose at me. One of them helps with reading in my sons class and I honestly feel uncomfortable at the thought of her sat with my child if these are the feelings she has about him.
I dont let it bother me really, if they cant accept a child with SEN and realise not all children conform to the education system perfectly then I do not want to be on friendly terms with these people either.
I cannot wait for the day I dont have to enter that playground again 😬

Is your child friendly towards hers?
My DS has a girl in his class who is ruining their time at school. Lots of throwaway comments or ‘jokes’ that belittle everyone. It’s hard to even muster a fake smile to her mum who always seems pretty decent.

My dd is 26 when she was 2 i lifted the wrong jacket from playgroup was the same coat just not hers anyway noticed took it back mother of the other child snatched it out my hand and never spoke to me again, im talking years through schools walked past me in the street etc. I think you need to ignore this school mum she really doesn't matter stop focusing on who doesn't like you and focus on the people who do like you.

Going to come from a bit of a different angle here, but OP she's not obligated to be nice to you and she's not obligated to talk to you. I'm sorry you feel bad about this, but, really, that's not her issue, it's yours.

Personally I have nothing to do with any of the parents in my DC's school. I interact with them as much as I absolutely have to. I'm sure I come across as a bit of a bitch, but frankly I don't give a damn. I have friends, work and family that occupy my time and I don't need to be bothered with school yard politics.

Maybe look at the friends, family, hobbies you do have and realize she and her approval, mean nothing to you.

I'm sorry you feel bad about this, but, really, that's not her issue, it's yours
Seriously?

So if a woman is doing her best to get others to alienate you, cutting off conversations, subtly moving a few feet so you are blocked from a group you were chatty with... that's your fault?

Of course she's not obligated to be nice to you. But if I'm walking along and a NDN says 'Good Morning' to me, I would return the words cheerily. I wouldn't frown at them and not reply. This is no different. Being pleasant to your fellow human being is what makes the world go round.

I don't think the OP is looking for approval ... it's just being pleasant to another person