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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if freezing someone out is bullying?

54 replies

AllPembrok · 18/07/2019 08:11

There is this parent in our school community. Our dc are in the same year. She must have decided years ago that she hates my guts and simply does not acknowledge me. She is on super friendly terms with everyone else but turns away when she sees me and refuses to talk to me. In fact we haven't really ever chatted, other than me trying to say 'hi' or something else friendly if and where appropriate. I bumped into her in town on the weekend and she saw me and turned her back . She is super popular so must be lovely, which is all the more confusing.

AIBU to think this is unnecessary and quite hostile? Why would someone act like this? What could I have possibly done when our kids were in reception to put her nose out of joint to this extent? It makes me feel quite anxious.

Have you ever been treated in this ostentatiously contemptuous way? She literally turns her back whenever she notices me but is so friendly with everyone else...

OP posts:

Lllot5 · 18/07/2019 10:49

Do you know what fuck her !
Stop caring. Honestly don’t give it any more head space.

Scorpiovenus · 18/07/2019 10:50

To ostracize others it is bullying and is recognised as it too.

HulksPurplePanties · 18/07/2019 10:53

So if a woman is doing her best to get others to alienate you, cutting off conversations, subtly moving a few feet so you are blocked from a group you were chatty with... that's your fault?]

But she's not doing that. She's just not talking to the OP.

EmeraldShamrock · 18/07/2019 10:56

Yes it is bullying rude, horrible behaviour especially from an adult.
You may find most of the others know exactly what she is like.
The school bully grown up.

Roussette · 18/07/2019 11:02

But she's not doing that. She's just not talking to the OP

She turns away, she turns her back, she doesn't answer a friendly 'Hi'... a bit more than just not particularly being chatty. That is deliberately ignoring. It's rude and unpleasant

Mrsjayy · 18/07/2019 11:06

Some people are unpleasant though this woman really has no obligation to be pleasant to the op even if it causes op awkwardness

FriarTuck · 18/07/2019 11:15

She turns away, she turns her back, she doesn't answer a friendly 'Hi'... a bit more than just not particularly being chatty. That is deliberately ignoring. It's rude and unpleasant
Yes it is, but that doesn't make it bullying and the woman is under no obligation to be polite or decent. Obviously by being rude she'll probably end up with no decent friends but that's the consequence of her choice. And it is her choice, however unpleasant it is. If she turned away and made loud bitchy comments then you'd be talking bullying but just ignoring isn't.

Karigan195 · 18/07/2019 11:18

I have both been treated this way and have someone I treat this way and for both there is a reason. Maybe you’ve forgotten why or what happened but she obviously hasn’t.

For me: my ex father in law blanks me even when handing my son back and turns his back on me if I say hello (very grown up). The irony is that his son co-parents well and actually comes round for garden parties etc sometimes!

The one I blank told me whilst I was going through divorce from the same (abusive) ex that nobody liked me, I pushed everyone away and that I should get off Facebook and get a life. Irony being again that actually I was having a lovely time away from him making new friends in real life etc. It really struck a chord since it was one of my ex’s favourite ways of undermining my confidence by saying everyone pitied him being married to me and they had just uninvited me from a party on finding out we had separated. I see her sometimes and she tries to say hello and be nice but frankly she can fuck right off. She thinks she’s done nothing wrong btw!

So usually I believe freezing is earnt not bullying and maybe if you think really hard about it or just ask you’ll find out why.

whitebowls · 18/07/2019 11:25

It's possible she sees you as more popular, prettier, wealthier, smarter children etc and made a judgment years ago on that basis.
Jealousy is often (very often) at the heart of situations like this.
I can absolutely promise you that she will reap what she sows and will find herself being ignored, but for real reasons. It may take time but it will happen.
Be happy, hold your head high, spend time with people you enjoy.

HulksPurplePanties · 18/07/2019 11:29

She turns away, she turns her back, she doesn't answer a friendly 'Hi'... a bit more than just not particularly being chatty. That is deliberately ignoring. It's rude and unpleasant

It is, but she is not obligated to be nice or pleasant to the OP. If the OP is upset with this, than it is something she has to address with herself, not with the woman.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/07/2019 11:33

I once decided not to take such behaviour quietly. When my version of this owmen turned her backon me I peeked round her and said "Morning everyone" to those stood in front of her, accompanied by a big cheery smile and a wave. Most of them couldn't stop themselves smiling, laughing - at or with me I didn't really care.

After a few days of it she stopped turning her back on me, turned to face me, blocking me. I puzzled over that for a while then decided to walk up confidently with my hand out, for a hand shake with a very sheery "morning Jane!" that really threw her, she recoiled quite violently as it turned out, and I repeated "Morning all" to everyone else as she stumbled backwards.

She never did get out of my way, but other people started to talk to me round/through her. So it was OK... I never did find out why she started it!

Roussette · 18/07/2019 11:35

Maybe. But it's insiduous and creeping. And if the objective is to get others to alienate too, it is very draining and wearing when it's coming from the original Mean Girl.

I might've felt like you until it happened to me, admittedly a long time ago

HulksPurplePanties · 18/07/2019 11:36

if the objective is to get others to alienate too

If she was doing that I would agree with you. But she doesn't seem to be trying to get others to alienate the OP, in which case there is really no harm being done to the OP in the slightest other than a slap to her ego.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/07/2019 11:38

It is, but she is not obligated to be nice or pleasant to the OP. If the OP is upset with this, than it is something she has to address with herself, not with the woman. Yes. And the only way to deal with people who think they can 'other' and isolate you is to show them up for what they are, controlling and quite nasty, probably insecure individuals.

Either that or walk away and what? Give up on making friends and acquaintances?

Such people think they are well liked, admired gate keepers, in reality they are gate blockers...

namechanged2000 · 18/07/2019 11:45

There's one of these idiots at my sons school. She likes 1/2 the class and doesn't like the other half.

I honestly don't care, I don't associate myself with people like that. If she turned around and started to speak to me I would genuinely tell her to get to fuck.

HulksPurplePanties · 18/07/2019 11:54

And the only way to deal with people who think they can 'other' and isolate you is to show them up for what they are

Again, she isn't doing that. She's only ignoring the OP. She is not stopping the OP from making friends with anyone else.

NoTheresa · 18/07/2019 13:07

Is she envious of you for some reason, I wonder?

arethereanyleftatall · 18/07/2019 13:34

We don't know either of you.
So, we don't know why she doesn't like you.

ConkerGame · 18/07/2019 13:43

I would imagine there is a reason but you’ve just not realised it or not remembered it. This has happened to me twice and I’ve done it to someone else once and in all 3 circs the person being ignored had inadvertently said something that had really upset the person doing the ignoring.

ConkerGame · 18/07/2019 13:44

I would just ignore and make an effort with the nicer mums - in all 3 of my situations things never improved and only stopped when our circumstances meant we no longer saw each other.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/07/2019 14:09

She's only ignoring the OP She is pointedly doing so. I can only assume you have never had it done to you as the sudden silence of all around is often quite deafening. Or maybe you have been the 'doer'. In which case I would like to ask why you do it? Why you don't just nod, say hello and get on with your day?

Most people would do that. So what is it that others think or see that makes them blank another individual?

Deelish75 · 18/07/2019 14:38

I had this with someone from my NCT class. She knew that before I had my DD I had worked with babies and toddlers and at first she was alright with me but then she went really weird on me, blanking me on Facebook, organising meet ups with the other NCT mums and leaving me out. The only thing I can think of is she saw me handling a tricky situation with DD and just getting on with it (it was around this time she went weird on me)
She also used to post about mums supporting each other, she even set up a parenting Facebook group aimed at providing support to all mums and dads and when others posted on it she would fawn all over them, but would pretty much blank anything I posted. Then a mutual friend invited us all to join a similar FB group to hers, most of us joined it yet she didn't - so much for we should all be supporting each other I think she said just a very insecure person - her issues! Luckily I get on well with the other NCT mums so I don't feel too pushed out.
It's not a nice feeling being disliked and pushed out and I would say it is a form of bullying.

ChristmasInJuly · 18/07/2019 14:49

My DS is starting pre-school soon and honestly, this shit baffles me. Grown women (it has been women on this thread anyway) acting like they’re still at school themselves. How have they got time for it? To put time and effort into belittling others, honestly, don’t they have enough other stuff going on?!

HulksPurplePanties · 18/07/2019 17:51

She is pointedly doing so. I can only assume you have never had it done to you as the sudden silence of all around is often quite deafening. Or maybe you have been the 'doer'. In which case I would like to ask why you do it?

As someone with severe ADHD I generally find that most people ignore me quite easily. When I was a child it bothered me because I couldn't understand why. At 40 years old with 2 children to be a role model for, I don't let silly things like a mom at school ignoring me bother me.

On the flip side, I also ignore people without realizing. I'm sure I've made people like the OP feel bad because i'm not paying attention to them. I don't mean anything by it, but I do tend to avoid people I view as needy of attention, because I have no spare attention to give.

Barbie222 · 18/07/2019 18:10

When this has happened to me I've discreetly asked other people if they've felt similar and they nearly always have - ie there are lots of people frozen out, although it can be easy to think it's just you.

There are obviously times when there is a clear reason, but sometimes the freezer genuinely can't see what she's doing.

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