Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To still be angry about how dh treated me years ago?

62 replies

Fakenametodayhey · 17/07/2019 20:17

When we first got together we were very young, had children and tied the knot straight away and for the first few years (children really young) he was a dick to me. Went out all of the time, never stood up to his parents, spent all his money while i paid everything.

We broke up for a while and ever since, he has been amazing. But every now and then he will do something minor and all of the feelings from the start come flooding back. I am still so angry!

I just want to go through it with him and fond out what he was thinking and all he can say is 'i was young'

Now he is older and lovely but im still so mad! How do i let it go? He has more than made up for it now.

OP posts:

Livedandlearned · 17/07/2019 20:18

Maybe if he properly apologised to you for everything you would be able to have closure.

Karwomannghia · 17/07/2019 20:21

It’s probably cropping up because part of you thinks it will happen again and is preparing for it.
If you really do want to move on you have to actively divert the thoughts and memories when they come up. Replace them with his recent behaviour or quickly think about something nice he’s done or you imagine him doing. Don’t indulge the negative thoughts and they’ll become less frequent.

TheTrollFairy · 17/07/2019 20:23

How young is very young?
I do think that ‘I was young’ is a valid excuse (depending on the age). I used to be a massive dick (pretty embarrassed by my past behaviour at times). I can’t remember why I did something for an exact reason tho.

I’m not sure how you get past it but keeping the resentment when you have said that your DH is now great isn’t beneficial to you and at best it’s only hurting you, at worse it’ll ruin your relationship

Butchyrestingface · 17/07/2019 20:23

Has he apologised?

Do you actually bring these issues up when something minor happens?

How long ago did all this happen?

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook · 17/07/2019 20:36

Did you actually actively choose to take him back, or just fall bavk in with him?

If it was a real choice then forgiveness would be part of that choice.

But if you just went with the flow and end up back together then you may be feeling like you didn't really truly choose him again, along with his possible unpredictability, hence your desire to go back over things.

A desire to revisit a stage in our lives can be a signal that something isn't right or that we lack control over things.

Original poster

Fakenametodayhey · 17/07/2019 20:39

We were both 18 when wed and he was just turning 19 when dd1 was born. He was horrible and just so selfish for the first 2/3 years and the last 5 have been great after split. He has apologised but i still just want to know why!

And yes, I do bring it up in arguments even though it is completely irrelevant. We have just had another baby 6 months ago and it is dredging up the feelings of how i felt with dd1. He really has chnaged and i cam appreciate he was so young, but I was slightly younger!

I will try diverting the thoughts - i suppose the bad thoughts feed on negativity and a small issue can quickly become a big one with a few minutes of thinking about it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fakenametodayhey · 17/07/2019 20:42

@CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook well actually no, we were 'testing the waters' and his mum brought back all of his things and he just moved himself in (despite leaving me and dc homeless and us having to start again. It was hard)

My dad had a go at him as i told him i felt he was pushing himself back into our lives. But i was more scared of being a single parent at such a young age. I was only 20/21 by this time.

So yes i suppose uou have a point i never thought of.

OP posts:

womaninthedark · 17/07/2019 20:46

I hear you.
I had a husband years ago. Even though I divorced him, I didn't understand what a cunt he really was until I started reading mumsnet. And now he's dead so I can't have a go at him about it. But I'm seething with righteous indignation.

Get it all out, OP. Speak your mind.

Then throw him out.

Fivebyfivesq · 17/07/2019 20:49

How do you feel about talking this stuff through with a Relate counsellor?

It might be worth taking some time for you to examine how YOU feel and if you can move forward

If you have unresolved issues then you’re always going to hold it against him and you’re waiting for him to revert to type, no matter what he does.

MountPheasant · 17/07/2019 20:49

Tbh OP, If you were 18 when you got married then ‘I was young’ is a valid excuse IMO, especially when he has proved he has changed now. You say he is ‘amazing’ so clearly he has grown out of being out of it. I think you have to let this go, sorry.

Fivebyfivesq · 17/07/2019 20:50

Ps I mean you going on your own first - not straight into couples counselling

Lweji · 17/07/2019 20:50

Could it be that you feel he got a free pass and you should be compensated in some way? Maybe by him picking up more of the childcare this time?

Or are the minor things not that minor or rare?

missnevermind · 17/07/2019 20:53

I’ve been with DH over 30 years. When we first moved in together after work every Friday and every Saturday he would fail to come home from work. In the pub with ‘mates’.
It is well over 25 years since the last time it happened and still Friday 4 o’clock comes round and I worry that he has popped to the pub on his way home and don’t always believe him when he says he is on his way.

BarbariansMum · 17/07/2019 20:55

I think its potentially quite abusive to take someone back and then hold a grudge against them for years and years, dragging it up in arguments etc. Really, if you want this relationship to work you do need to find a way past this. Talking to someone neutral about what happened and how you feel about it might be a good start.

OhBcereus · 17/07/2019 20:57

It's always easier to forgive than it is to forget.
It sounds like since he was just dumped back into your life then you have some unfinished business before you can truly move on. It doesn't sound like you had fully forgiven him and the choice was very unfairly made by his mum. Definitely try and talk things through with him when you're both calm and if that doesn't work then talk with a relationship counsellor. I suppose when you've got the apology you want then you won't be able to keep being up the past and expect him to keep apologising for it as it wouldn't be fair.

twattymctwatterson · 17/07/2019 21:04

Op "I was Young" is fairly acceptable in this context. You were literally teenagers when this happened.

He's apologised and changed and has been great for years. You need to let it go because there's no excuse that you'll accept. He was immature and he grew up.

Maybe83 · 17/07/2019 21:04

I think you should get counselling and help you work through it.

I dont think it is acceptable to drag things up from years in the past in a relationship to be honest if the behaviour isnt being repeated.

You cant go back in a time machine and change decisions you made or things you did so what do you expect him to do?

You both were very young and I do think it is a reasonable explanation. The reality is neither if you were probably mature enough to deal with a baby and marriage.

You have a choice you can leave if you aren't happy in the relationship but I dont think that gives you a pass to punish him forever.

Butchyrestingface · 17/07/2019 21:19

He has apologised but i still just want to know why

He’s told you why. He was a teenager.

I agree with PP that speaking to a neutral party may be in order here.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/07/2019 21:32

Hi OP

Sounds like your head is in some sort of a rut. Maybe you could do some CBT or something as sounds like you may just need to tweak something to retrain your brain a bit?

PaulinesPenStash · 17/07/2019 21:34

Oh god I feel for you op

DH did a shit thing v early in our relationship, part of me will never forgive him tbh 😰 even though since then he's been the perfect husband

It does sound like he's learnt his lesson. But did he ever fully apologise? Do you think he gets how much it hurt you ?

Hugs x

PaulinesPenStash · 17/07/2019 21:36

Also just read whole thread and seen how young you both were

Definitely excusable at that age.

ItsFunnyYouShouldAsk · 17/07/2019 21:36

If he’s been lovely for 5 years and has grown up now, I think it’s time for you to forgive him. Holding this grudge is not going to benefit either of you.

KeepFuckingOff · 17/07/2019 21:41

You’re angry because he says he was young, well you were young too but you couldn’t fuck off and play the arse so why the hell was it ok for him to do so. Has he even acknowledged how hard he made your life? Does even appear to feel guilty?

BloomsButtons · 17/07/2019 21:44

OP my own DH treated me poorly after our third was born. While we've manage to regroup and move on I do still hold some resentment about that period in our lives. It was a horrible time and I understand how you will be feeling.

VenusTiger · 17/07/2019 21:44

You need closure on that chapter. Could you renew your vows privately and talk about putting all of that behind you. It will mean that you’ll not be able to bring it up again though...as will he, in that he’ll need to not act like that again.

Flip

1 2 3