To still be angry about how dh treated me years ago?

[Fakenametodayhey]

When we first got together we were very young, had children and tied the knot straight away and for the first few years (children really young) he was a dick to me. Went out all of the time, never stood up to his parents, spent all his money while i paid everything.

We broke up for a while and ever since, he has been amazing. But every now and then he will do something minor and all of the feelings from the start come flooding back. I am still so angry!

I just want to go through it with him and fond out what he was thinking and all he can say is 'i was young'

Now he is older and lovely but im still so mad! How do i let it go? He has more than made up for it now.

I am only embarrassed by how much i used to beg for his affection

I think this part is key. I've been in a similar situation. Before we were married my DH did a few pretty shit things and left me, I asked (ok begged) him to come back. That happened again twice more. A few years later we are happy but I'm still secretly still quite angry about this. He has never apologised, he didn't even want to come back really.

But the more I think about it, it's me I'm angry at. I'm ashamed at myself for being so pathetic. So no apology from him, even if he were to offer one, would help as its not really him I'm angry at. The apology needs to come from me, to me. And I need to accept it.

I'm not sure if this helps but maybe it will help you get past the idea that if he apologises in the correct way, you'll feel better. You probably wouldn't.

How old are you now OP? Are you in your 20s?

OP, you need to reframe your thinking here.

You, arent waiting to finish something you started in your teens. You chose to have another child. There things you can do start your life. If he is great now, he will support you in getting back to work (if only part time, if that's what you want) and having a life.

You got back together with him. You cant hold onto this restement forever, it will rat away at you and the relationship. Thats not good for you or your kids. You need to try some counselling, maybe joint counselling as well to work through this.

Honestly, counselling may help the relationship or it might make you realise that you cant move past it and decide to split.

But holding on to this resentment of how he used to be isnt good for you.

You also need to remember you are making active choices in your own life. If you arent happy, YOU need to start making changes.

But the more I think about it, it's me I'm angry at. I'm ashamed at myself for being so pathetic. So no apology from him, even if he were to offer one, would help as its not really him I'm angry at. The apology needs to come from me, to me. And I need to accept it.

I think this is good insight/ advice tbh.

But I also think there is something else going on here. Basically you never had that bit of a relationship where he falls for you, he is mad about you, would do anything for you, hopes that you feel the same - that kind of thing. Tbh in a marriage, a lot of that fades a bit over time but it does set the tone for the relationship.

You got pregnant, he was there but shit, he left and was shit, you survived and carried on, and then kind of got dumped back on your doorstep (I find your dad's response interesting) and the 2 of you managed to figure it out, he grew up and now behaves like a normal adult (and is he any more "amazing" than you OP - I never understand why men are regarded as just fabulous because they are decent husbands and fathers).

I don't think you trust him (I"m not sure I would trust a man how flaked off leaving me homeless, a single mum, and was looking for other women while with me and yeah he was 19 at the time but OP still had to deal with the emotional and other consequences of all that at the same age). But maybe you could trust him. Maybe he has grown up to be a good person who loves you. But he should be bloody grateful you took him back from his mum and he is now living with his children and with you. He should be making you feel like you are the one and he is so glad to be with you. Does he?

Like others I think you should talk to someone in real life- like a counsellor tbh to sort all this through.

I think at 18/19 there is no business having children and being married. No wonder he behaved that way

And men thereby keep being excused.
I'd like to think that most 18/19 year old men wouldn't cheat or leave all the work to their partners if they had a child with them.
Many couples used to get married that young.
But if we keep expecting them to be immature and irresponsible at those ages, then they will be.
But it starts earlier on.
How long should we use the "too young" excuse for inexcusable behaviour?

I’m sure if the OP behaved like this, as a mother, she’d be slaughtered but it’s OK for an adult man (because you ARE an adult at 18/19) to fuck about because he was “young” 🙄

OP, I don’t blame you for how you are feeling. This isn’t something that’s going to get better. It’s going to fester.

I would suggest counselling for either you or the both of you.

I can totally relate to what you mean. DH and I had a rocky start too, but once we got engaged, then married, then DD1 and later DD2 his behaviour has been exemplary. Sometimes though something small will trigger a memory, mainly finding myself in a similar situation or context to what happened back then, and I will suddenly think that I'm stupid, leopards don't change their spots, he's pulling a fast one on me etc.

Then I give my head a wobble and remember all that he does for us, the shit that he puts up with at work so we can live the life that we do, the amazing way he treats and spoils me and our girls...

It's quite annoying and I would love to know if I will ever be fully "over it", each year it seems less so I am hoping the answer is yes!

This was seven years ago now, and we're both very different people to who we were back then, and he is a good person, dad and husband. I have to remind myself its my own insecurities talking.

I wouldn't keep bringing it up, you are keeping the problem alive and giving it strength and relevance in your present. Either go to counselling to try and achieve some clarity and move on, or find another way to live with the past, but dragging it over hot coals all the time is not going to end well for anyone

You're scared it will happen again.

I completely understand how you feel. My now husband was a complete idiot for the first few years of our relationship and I don't think I've ever got over it to be honest. I doubt I ever will either.

I don't know if he ever physically cheated on me but he used to chat to other women online etc. He also had a crush on someone we both worked with and basically made me feel like rubbish. Would leave me to eat lunch alone so that he could hang around her. He even told her he liked her and she turned him down, so now I don't know if he only stayed with me because there wasn't a better option...
It's shit to be honest. He's apologised for his behaviour many times but never given me all the information I needed about what happened or explained why... This all happened in our early 20s and now we are late 30s-early 40s.

The thing is he is now practically perfect, literally would do anything for me, but it still hurts and I won't ever fully trust him. I sometimes think I'd trust him with my life but not with my heart if that makes sense.

99.9% of our relationship is really good and has been for a long time but I still get triggered about various things. I know counselling might help but that's not something I'd do, I can't think of anything worse than explaining the bad parts of my life to other people while ugly crying...

Reading the other replies above, maybe it's me I need to forgive, for staying when I should have left. If my daughter came to me and had the same problems, I certainly wouldn't advise her to stay on the off chance it got better.

This message doesn't really help you, but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in your feelings, I'm right there with you...

I agree with okpedro. Being young is NOT an excuse when the OP was just as young herself and didn’t have the option of pissing about, ignoring her children and being a shit parent. She had to get on with it, and she did.

Whether or not 18-19 is too young to get married and have children is neither here nor there - unless the OP forced him into marriage and stole his sperm against his will, her DH was an active and willing participant in the marriage and children at a young age, and should have had some understanding of what he was getting into.

It is quite sickening how many people here are excusing his behaviour. I have a feeling if the genders were reversed in the OP, the male OP would be getting lots of sympathy and the partner would be vilified as a terrible mum.

Hello OP.
How are you feeling?