To still be angry about how dh treated me years ago?

[Fakenametodayhey]

When we first got together we were very young, had children and tied the knot straight away and for the first few years (children really young) he was a dick to me. Went out all of the time, never stood up to his parents, spent all his money while i paid everything.

We broke up for a while and ever since, he has been amazing. But every now and then he will do something minor and all of the feelings from the start come flooding back. I am still so angry!

I just want to go through it with him and fond out what he was thinking and all he can say is 'i was young'

Now he is older and lovely but im still so mad! How do i let it go? He has more than made up for it now.

I'm watching this thread because I need the advice.
Me and DP are at a critical point and we need counselling. It rests on whether I can move on. It's hard to wipe the slate clean when you've been the victim, not the oppressor. I feel the effects of his mistreatment everyday to this day, so no matter how much I resolve to "let's just forget about it" I physically cannot. Only pretend to, to a point.

keep he apologised and op made the decision years ago to take him back. How long should he feel guilty for?

I said on a previous thread earlier today that it's abusive to accept someone's past behaviour then cast it up to them years down the line and I see someone else has said it here. If you make the decision to forgive someone then you have to actually forgive them.

Are you feeling trapped?
Its pretty standard that people act a bit dickish when theyre teenagers. The difference here is that he actually grew up and settled down with you, rather than made a fresh start with someone else, but you need to decide if you can get past it all, as it really sounds like you need to talk this through and work out what it is you really want to happen.

twattymctwatterson she hasn’t said if he’s contrite or not, just that he makes the excuse he was young. It matters how he sees his own past behaviour, an attitude of “oh well I was young get over it” is totally shit.
If he’s actually acknowledged how awful he behaved and has made amends then fair enough OP needs to accept that and the decision she made to forgive him, if it’s a case of he doesn’t really give a shit about his past behaviour and just wants to sweep it under the rug to sooth his conscience then no I don’t think that’s ok.

@KeepFuckingOff she said he has apologised and been an amazing partner.

Was the OP perfect I wonder, did she react calmly and maturely to every situation that occurred. Never resent being a mother and a wife at 18? Never lose your cool in an argument.

Think about some of your behaviours at that time, do any of them make you feel embarrassed ashamed question how you ever thought or reacted in a certain way?
How would it feel to have your actions that are completely irrelevant to the here and now were dragged up by him?

If you choose to decide to take such a big life step just out of school and make it to your 20s with 5 years of happy and healthy relationship for both of your children I would seriously think you need to reset your expectations and be more realistic. You have done extremely well to be able to build a life together.

You were barely legal to be in a pub and the two of you were set up trying to be adults and play house.

I say this as someone who had a baby was engaged at 17 living together till my 20's. My ex did all those things but equally was no angel and cringe thinking about it all now.

I just get the feeling he doesn’t actually mean it, there’s a big difference between “I’m sorry I treated you so badly I regret it so much” and “I’m sorry but I was young what did you expect?“

keep you're getting a lot from the ops few posts. Sounds like you're projecting.

We know that the OP's DH behaved badly when they got married and had a baby as teenagers and they split up. He apologised, she made the decision to try again and he's been amazing for 5 years. That would suggest he's grown up and learned from the situation.

His reasoning is that he did those things because he was young (read as immature). Given that he's been a good man ever since, how much self-fladulation do you feel is sufficient? What better way to show you're sorry than to actually SAY SORRY and change your ways?

Please be assured of 18 year old op was posting I wouldn't be letting the guy off so easily but you really can't punish someone years down the line after deciding to forgive them.

I can see what @KeepFuckingOff is saying here. @twattymctwatterson if you look back at another post OP made, she said the decision to take him back wasn't made entirely by her. They were 'testing the waters' when his mother just brought all of his stuff over and left. She didn't feel as though she had a choice. I agree if she had said she accepts his apology and she was fully prepared to put it behind them and move on, then yes, she can't keep holding it against him. That wouldn't be fair on him. It sounds as though she has some unresolved feelings that need to be addressed and I don't think 'I was young' is enough to put it all to bed. I do agree though that if they manage to talk about it and she chooses to accept his apology then she can't expect to keep bringing it up.

@KeepFuckingOff exactly why i feel so upset. Plus my life is still on pause and his is still moving- promitions. More responsibilities at work and friends/ colleagues.
While I am at home waiting to finish what i started in my teens.

I was looking through some old photographs (which prompted this thread) and I just looked so miserable and he looked so disinterested.

There is one photo where me and dc1 are looking at the camera smiling and he is on his phone in the background - and i later found out that whilst taking this really upsettingly needy 'family photo' he was actually checking out a location of a random girls address that he met whilst working away. So all of the photos of my first baby are tied in with him working away/ cheating (dont know how far) and also not even wanting me in the first place. There is a family party video where i can be seen trying to give him a kiss but he turns away and it just still breaks my heart.

I just feel so confused and obviously with new baby hormones arent helping. Im just not over it.

We both admit we only married because of the baby but now we have grown to love eachother- like a really bad movie.
It still hurts. I dont know how to let the hurt go. It just crawls back up - however far i push it down

@fakenametodayhey

YABU. He was a kid - and men are WAY more immature than women. They are 10 years behind mentally!

At least he is pretty decent now, and has been for years.

You hold this over him forever, and your marriage will die.

Move on, get over it, and stop dwelling on things you cannot change.

@Fakenametodayhey

Reading your update/last post, it sounds like you have waaaaay more issues than your DH being a dick many years ago.

You sound full of resentment and bitterness.

Sounds like you need marriage guidance counselling.

He never apologised until a couple of years later and it was with an air of 'so get over it'. I just don't know how to get over it. If it was the other way around I know he would have left me for good.

I am only embarrassed by how much i used to beg for his affection, attention, even sex. I had to beg for sex. It was so shit. And i was absolutely beautiful back then. 3 kids later - I am not anymore but he made me feel so worthless and ai feel so ashamed for not fucking him off and leaving. Obviously it all worked out for the best but deep down (and in the middle of fights) i just feel so taken for granted.

I wouldn't take shit now and he wouldn't give it and we have been through so much together (cliche but went nc with abusive family/ dealt with theft from a close family member / reuniting with estranged parent for decade etc ) we really have grown and we are a perfect fit.

I still feel scared though that he will use my best years for raising his family and when the kids are older he will pack off and leave. I do love him but i still feel like that vulnerable 18yo who just wanted a mistake pregnancy to become a dream life and would deal with anything for it.

Agh im oversharing because of anonimity
Paired with hormones.

Hes a good guy - sharing is helpful

You need to do two things OP. One, find a good counsellor to talk all this through with. Two, address your need to have a life of your own not just arranged around his. Think of what he can do practically speaking to support that and make up for his earlier crappiness. So when you
my life is still on pause and his is still moving- promitions. More responsibilities at work and friends/ colleagues.
What about you going back to work, even if only part time, meeting up with friends more, learning new things? And him giving up time to make that possible?

It sounds like there’s a lot of unresolved issues here, and no wonder. He was a lot of a dick! He left you and your child homeless. I think counselling would be a good option. Do you think he knows the depth that you are still hurt by all of this?

I also think counselling would be a good idea, it would be wise to sort out your feelings and find a way forward. I don’t necessarily think you have to forgive him but if you want to stay with him then you have to accept the past and leave it there, you have to choose to move forward. It’s hard to hear and know that in that time he was selfish and chose his own wants above yours and the family you had created together but it’s done and you can’t change it you can only change how you react.

Op from your additional posts I'm wondering if he really IS wonderful now or if he's just not quite as bad as he used to be?

I still feel scared though that he will use my best years for raising his family and when the kids are older he will pack off and leave. I do love him but i still feel like that vulnerable 18yo who just wanted a mistake pregnancy to become a dream life and would deal with anything for it.
...

Plus my life is still on pause and his is still moving- promitions. More responsibilities at work and friends/ colleagues.
While I am at home waiting to finish what i started in my teens.

This thread is so sad OP. It's obvious from things you say (including the two posts above ^^) that you are still sad, angry, feeling insecure in your relationship, anxious about your future - with or without your husband - because the past issues (right there encapsulated in those photos and video) and how you felt when you and DC were homeless and the fact that the two of you never seemed to have sat down together and made the decision to move back together. That was really imposed on you.

I agree with other PP that you really need to speak to counsellor to get this out of your head and talk about it out loud to someone professional who is also neutral. Maybe some sessions for just yourself first - with an idea of exactly what you are hoping to achieve from the sessions. Then get your DH is involved, if he is willing.

Also, what are your plans for going back to work? Are you currently on maternity leave (sorry I've missed that if you mentioned it) or are you a SAHM?

If you are able to get some decent childcare (again I don't know your situation) are you able to do any preparation to retrain and go/return, even part time for a while, to the workplace and build up your professional confidence and give yourself some independence outside of being "at home waiting to finish what i started in my teens".

You have a tough road ahead, especially with a new baby, but you have a chance if you are both willing to come to the table with honesty and talk calmly but openly. This will, otherwise, spoil your marriage and you will still feel frustrated and unfulfilled.

Good luck to you OP. 🌹

I think that he was young is a good reason OP. You don't need another answer. He has apologised, realised he was wrong and tried to make up for it for 5 years. It's now your turn to forgive and move on.

I think you have to try and separate that relationship from the one you have now. It isn’t serving you to keep that resentment, so you need to find a way to let it go.

There’s a book called The Power of Now which talks about letting go of the past and the future, and just living in the present. It gets a bit ‘woo’ at times, but there are some really useful parts in it which have helped both DP and myself to push aside things which cause us pain, as there is nothing you can do to change the past, all you can change is how you react to it.

It’s a simple concept, but not easy to do in reality.

Op from your additional posts I'm wondering if he really IS wonderful now or if he's just not quite as bad as he used to be?

Exactly what I've been wondering.

What are the arguments about?

I don't buy the "I was young" and can't get how wonderful he is if he never apologised properly for being a terrible partner.

What are these arguments about? Are they propel resolved?

No wonder you're not letting go. Trust is very easy to be lost and hard to regain.

Would it help if you stopped for a bit and seriously evaluation your relationship and made a conscious choice to stay or to leave?
Or do you still feel you have no option but to stay?

I still feel scared though that he will use my best years for raising his family and when the kids are older he will pack off and leave

If you can get to a place where you feel better about yourself, and you accept that you can’t change or predict the future, you can honestly feel like whatever happens in the future will be ok. I have huge anxiety but even I have been able to calm my fears about the future by concentrating on the now.

It’s not burying your head in the sand, it’s just focusing on the things you can change and letting go of what you can’t. Like the old adage about having the courage to change what you can, accept what you can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.

From reading your posts fakenametodayhey you are still quite young? Is it possible your dh isn’t such a “great guy” you say he might be taking your best years. This is something you really need to think about. I was a sahm thought my exdp was the one. I ended up on benefits. I’m only now starting to get a life for myself. Meanwhile ex has made huge progression in his job. He has plenty of savings etc. If I’d known then what I know now, I’d have gone back to work and stayed independent (which I was before ex)
I agree with pps counselling for both of you would be a good idea. I’m not sure I buy “I was young” It’s really IMO no excuse for being a prick. for you op

I think at 18/19 there is no business having children and being married. No wonder he behaved that way. He was just barely an adult. He has changed so he has matured. I think focus on that otherwise you are allowing the past to damage your present and future.

f2feee the op was just barely an adult too. Ridiculous to say he should be excused because he was 18/19. I’d imagine if the op had behaved this way she’d have been torn apart and deemed a bad mother