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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry about DS's reaction when I collect him for nursery?

56 replies

NeverNude11 · 17/07/2019 20:07

DS is 13 months and has just started nursery. For background, he was born early and spent a couple of weeks in the SCBU. He then developed silent reflux and was a very unsettled, high needs baby who didn't sleep much. I really struggled in the beginning, I started having panic attacks when we brought him home and then really struggled with the lack of sleep. However, with a lot of support from DH by three months things were settled and I've really enjoyed my maternity leave. I made lots of friends and went to plenty of groups, baby activities etc.

However I am a worrier and I've always worried that I had somehow damaged DS / our bond by finding things so tricky to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I cared for DS and I followed his lead - he hated being put down so I carried him in the sling everywhere and we co slept, we took the bus as he hated the car etc.

So I'm now returning to work and have put DS in nursery for the past 3 days. However when I pick him up instead of looking excited to see me he cries! He immediately wants to be picked up by me, cuddles me and then won't let me put him down so he's not sad to see me exactly. However this reaction has thrown me and I'm worried he's not attached Sad any wise advice or experiences would be appreciated, and sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 20:10

He is probably just overwhelmed.

WisestIsShe · 17/07/2019 20:11

I'm a childminder and this reaction isn't uncommon. I think it's just relief to see you! As he settles in and gets to know the staff he'll be less overwhelmed at collection. Don't worry.

HumpHumpWhale · 17/07/2019 20:11

He's attached. He's just overwhelmed with the emotion of seeing you again. It's quite normal! Transitions can also be hard. My DD, who's 3, cried at drop off on Monday because she "didn't want to go to school", and again at pick up, because she "didn't want to go home". She's happy at nursery and home, she just doesn't like changing from one to the other too fast.

NavyBlueHue · 17/07/2019 20:11

Honestly - please don’t worry. He’s tiny and he feels big emotions when he sees you come for him. They’re too big for him to process yet so he cries. All kids react differently and he’s clearly attached to you to be so emotional when he sees you. Try not to worry. You’re his Mum and he’ll love you no matter what.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 17/07/2019 20:11

Normal! He’s realised he’s missed you, you’re his comfort and his safe place. That’s not to say he won’t feel comfortable at nursery, just that’s when it’s new we need a release.

Think about when you start a new job, and you’re tense all day, learning things and trying hard to get things right. It’s pretty stressful and when you see DH all your emotions (good and bad) come pouring out.

Sandsnake · 17/07/2019 20:12

My DS used to do this in the first few months of settling at nursery (also a high needs baby with silent reflux). As pp said - he was just overwhelmed and feeling a lot of emotions at seeing me / his dad again. It sounds like this is the case with your little boy Smile

Pieceofpurplesky · 17/07/2019 20:12

DS used to do that, sob when he saw me then cling for dear life. He grew out of it when he went to school but never at nursery.
He's 15 now and I would love cuddles like that!

Neverender · 17/07/2019 20:14

Totally normal and healthy - he's forgotten you're not there and then you pop up and he realises you haven't been there. Crack on x

BlueBelle81 · 17/07/2019 20:15

I'm not an expert but I didn't want to read and run. DS has been in nursery for about 7 months from 13 months old and for the first couple of months would cry when we went to pick him up. Nursery staff assured us he was fine during the day. I think the crying is just a reaction to the big emotions/ relief of seeing you again. I don't think it's a sign of poor attachment at all, quite the contrary.
Going back to work is a really tough time for parent and baby in my experience. Give yourself and DS time to settle and get used to it. You could ask nursery staff if they have any concerns - that might put your mind at rest.

BTW DS now runs at us with arms outstretched at pick up.

WhenZogateSuperworm · 17/07/2019 20:15

My almost 3 year old doesn’t cry anymore but does want to be instantly picked up the minute I arrive at the childminders to get him. He doesn’t like me to stand and chat at all and just wants to go home straight away. He loves it there and loves her, but it’s me he is attached to and he will always want me as soon as I’m there.
Totally normal I think.

Sausages18 · 17/07/2019 20:15

Oh you’ve been through a hard time! Well done for turning it into such a positive maternity leave.

This sounds very normal. Our 12 month old did exactly the same, and actually the drop off was terrible as well. It levelled off over 6 weeks or so. She loves nursery now at 2 years, it’s done so well for her.

Good luck, starting nursery is incredibly hard, unexpectedly so.

Original poster
NeverNude11 · 17/07/2019 20:15

This is so reassuring all, thank you all! I'm so relieved to hear that it isn't unusual. And you're right @Pieceofpurplesky, I should make the most of the cuddles Smile DS always gives me lovely cuddles when we get home as well.

OP posts:
Goostacean · 17/07/2019 20:15

Oh my gosh, totally normal in my experience. DS started at 15mo, 3 days a week, and cried every drop off and every pick up, exactly as you've described, for a month. Now (17mo) he won't even come for a cuddle on pick up! He's too busy running round playing, inciting his cheeky little friends to do cheeky toddler things and generally having a blast! Don't worry. Just don't show your emotions and keep saying how great nursery is, what a fun day they had, how nice it all is etc- so that LO can pick up on your vibe.

Neverender · 17/07/2019 20:15

My now 2.5yr old DD shouts, "Mummy!!!" And beams. He will do the same, id bet

Rumplesmoothskin · 17/07/2019 20:17

They bottle it all up all day and release it for their safe person, that's why they cry after seeming to be happy all day without you. Like PP said, relieved to see you.
My MIL always says "He's been fine all day till he saw you!"
I'm too nice to point out that he's missed me.

SabrinaTheTeenageBitch · 17/07/2019 20:17

Completely normal, he's still only tiny and like another poster said he's probably overwhelmed.

My eldest was prem and I had horrendous post natal depression, I ended up in a mother and baby unit with her for some time. She's 14 now and still I have that guilt/worry even though she is my very best friend in the world (when she's not having a teenage moment Hmm) We all have this fairytale idea of having our baby and leaving the hospital same day glowing and capable and when it doesn't quite work out that way it's knocks you for six. I understand

I'm sure he's fine Thanks

NeatFreakMama · 17/07/2019 20:18

The way you've had a relationship with him has been very close and together all the time from the sounds of it and then you've gone into 3 days a week without you. I agree he's probably a little overwhelmed but they get used to it. It's only been 3 days, give it a couple of weeks.

Rainbows321 · 17/07/2019 20:19

My child did this at first in nursery. I’m sure it’s not because he’s not attached. I saw it more as pure relief that I had come back to collect them. I was a worrier (still am), always seconded guessed everything and worried I’d done the right thing by putting them in nursery. My child now loves nursery and just potters off without so much as a wave when I drop them off. It will get easier. Sending you big hugs. You sound like your doing a great job Flowers

CoodleMoodle · 17/07/2019 20:19

My DS is 12 months and not in nursery (I'm a SAHM), but if I leave him with anybody else for any length of time, even five minutes to sort the washing, he cries when he sees me again, wants me to pick him up, etc. He's very, very attached to me.

DD wasn't like this! When she went to preschool at 3, she used to scream at me coming out because she didn't want to go home. That was nice... She also preferred DH, but that seems to have changed.

It's all normal OP Smile

PotolBabu · 17/07/2019 20:21

I have a premature baby (a 26 weeker) who when he goes to nursery says ‘bye bye Mummy, you go to work now’ if I hang around exchanging any notes with his key worker. He loves it there. But when I pick up he still cries a bit (a year in) and runs in for a big hug. He’s tired and it’s been a long day.
My full term son at this age did the same thing. He went to the same nursery but he, on the other hand, would always look a little sad when DH and I left. And would sometimes cry a bit at pick up. But he loved nursery and talked about it all weekend asking when he was going back. So this is v normal I think. As your son develops the vocabulary to express himself this will decrease.

SimonJT · 17/07/2019 20:21

My son does this (he does love nursery) as do a lot of the other children, it’s completely normal.

RobinsEggBlue · 17/07/2019 20:23

My son was very clingy and I didn’t enjoy his early days at all (I don’t think he did either!) and like yours he wailed at me when I went to get him from nursery. He’s now a well adjusted chatterbox who runs at me from across the playground and jumps into my arms- it’s early days, you will both get there.

PotteringAlong · 17/07/2019 20:25

My 2.5 year old cries when I collect him. Sometimes because he’s pleased to see me, sometimes because he wants to stay for longer. I just accept that I cannot win Grin

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 17/07/2019 20:30

Mine did that occasionally - I always interpreted it as "I'VE JUST REMEMBERED THAT YOU LEFT ME AND I AM BEYOND FURIOUS". They feel how they feel at that moment, then they see a tractor or something and it fades Grin

Littlefluffycloudos · 17/07/2019 20:31

This is normal mine did it. Be aware the next stage is when you get there and they run away and shout ‘no, I don’t want to come home’. That’s embarrassing!