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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to worry about DS's reaction when I collect him for nursery?

56 replies

NeverNude11 · 17/07/2019 20:07

DS is 13 months and has just started nursery. For background, he was born early and spent a couple of weeks in the SCBU. He then developed silent reflux and was a very unsettled, high needs baby who didn't sleep much. I really struggled in the beginning, I started having panic attacks when we brought him home and then really struggled with the lack of sleep. However, with a lot of support from DH by three months things were settled and I've really enjoyed my maternity leave. I made lots of friends and went to plenty of groups, baby activities etc.

However I am a worrier and I've always worried that I had somehow damaged DS / our bond by finding things so tricky to begin with. Don't get me wrong, I cared for DS and I followed his lead - he hated being put down so I carried him in the sling everywhere and we co slept, we took the bus as he hated the car etc.

So I'm now returning to work and have put DS in nursery for the past 3 days. However when I pick him up instead of looking excited to see me he cries! He immediately wants to be picked up by me, cuddles me and then won't let me put him down so he's not sad to see me exactly. However this reaction has thrown me and I'm worried he's not attached Sad any wise advice or experiences would be appreciated, and sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
thaegumathteth · 17/07/2019 20:33

Even now if my kids are having a bad day at school they will hold it together until they see me and then fall apart! When he’s tiny it’s not that he’s had a bad day it’s just that the emotion of seeing you is so great that he can’t control it!

Don’t worry about the bond thing. With my second I had pretty bad PND and felt anxious and numb when she was tiny - this was the TOTAL opposite to how I was with her brother before her. I cared for her but I didn’t feel the same instinct and attachment I did with ds but she has in no way suffered and once I let go of the guilt life was so much nicer! It was nothing to do with my love for her it was just a bad time mentally and I couldn’t be any closer to her now.

waterrat · 17/07/2019 20:34

This is very normal - both mine did it. THey were happy and settled then you appear! they have to grab you quick to make sure you don't vanish again!

Please don't worry - you sound like a brilliant mum and your child has a secure attachment. Children who don't have a secure attachment are not 'surprised' or emotional when they see caregiver/ parent reappear.

Original poster
NeverNude11 · 17/07/2019 20:35

Thanks again everyone, I feel so much better! Thank you all for being so kind Smile I'm obviously just worrying too much. @CoodleMoodle that's interesting that one of your DC reacted that way and not the other, as none of my friend's babies seem to cry on pick up! Apparently they're all smiles. Just shows how different they all are.

@SabrinaTheTeenageBitch thanks for sharing and I'm sorry you had such a difficult time of it with PND Flowers it is so difficult when the reality is so different from what you imagined!

@PotolBabu DS was 34 weeks so I can only imagine how stressful having a 26 weeker was Flowers sounds like s/he is doing great now though!

OP posts:
Constantlurker · 17/07/2019 20:40

You sound like such a lovely mum. I know I'm repeating what other posters have said but mine was exactly the same. Now just runs to me with a giant smile and tries to get me to go and play with her. It'll come, I now get more sad that I don't even get a backwards glance on drop off!

FurrySlipperBoots · 17/07/2019 20:50

He immediately wants to be picked up by me, cuddles me and then won't let me put him down

Don't stress it, he's clearly attached!! My sister used to turn away from my mum when she went to pick her up from the childminder at a similar age. It's normal. The important thing is how is he coping without you? Is he settling in well? Does the nursery have a strong key worker system and is he bonding with his? If you can afford it see if you can have her babysit for a few hours on weekends sometimes, to strengthen their bond.

notangelinajolie · 17/07/2019 20:56

It's only been three days. Give it time.

BrokenWing · 17/07/2019 21:11

I used to pick up ds after work and he'd cling to the nursery staff and cry/scream not to go home, we would have to prise his fingers from the woman's shirt to free her. 😳I would take him out to the car and he'd plank so I couldn't get him into his car seat. Once buckled in and I was driving home he was absolutely fine.

No idea why he did it, maybe overtired and overwhelmed. It was every single time for nearly a year, I'm surprised the nursery didn't call social services!!

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 17/07/2019 21:13

Very similar here. My LG started nursery around 15m and after a long time settling at drop off, the drying at pick up lasted for even longer! Also a v needy baby and I I’d still really manage very well the first year (although powered through). It will all settle out soon 💐

MoreCuddlesForMummy · 17/07/2019 21:14

I should also say I agree that they’re just overwhelmed at seeing you and although it doesn’t feel like it, it’s probably a positive thing!

gamerchick · 17/07/2019 21:17

He is attached. You are his safe person and this is perfectly normal.

Have you ever felt upset but unable to express it and seeing your partner or someone you're close too it suddenly comes to the surface because you know they'll comfort you? It's just like that.

TurquoiseDress · 17/07/2019 21:18

I'd try not to worry too much OP, I think that's quite a normal reaction from a child that age

My DC1 was like that at times during nursery pick up- I think they are just overwhelmed to see you, it's emotional overload almost and they don't have the words yet to express how they feel...

...so they burst into tears at the sight of you!

I found that once I'd picked up DC1 they were content in my arms or would want to show me something eg a toy

gamerchick · 17/07/2019 21:19

Not saying he's upset but it is all very new and like everything it takes a little bit of time to get used to it.

Choice4567 · 17/07/2019 21:26

@ContessaLovesTheSunshine yep I always feel like mine is saying WHAT IS THIS? I’VE JUST REALISED YOU WEREN’T HERE! And she’s proper mad at me except she’s not because she’s had a brilliant day and loves nursery

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/07/2019 21:28

Totally normal! Mine went through this phase

Original poster
NeverNude11 · 17/07/2019 21:29

@FurrySlipperBoots thank you, I think he's settling in ok. He cries at drop off and I think was quite teary the first day but is generally fine now, he's generally quite easily distractable when he gets upset. I actually don't return to work until next week but I put him in for three days (as I'm going back part time) this week so I could build up the time he spent there slowly, the nursery offered 2 short free settling in sessions last week but it didn't seem enough. His keyworker seems lovely and very caring and DS obviously already likes her. Great idea about babysitting, thanks, I'll ask!

@BrokenWing that sounds really hard! Babies can be so funny sometimes! I guess it's because, as pp have said, they just can't express themselves.

@thaegumathteth sorry to hear about your PND, it's great to hear you're so close to your DD now though. That's exactly how I felt with DS when he was first born but I feel so bonded with him now, and to be fair he smiles at me every time I catch his eye and gives me plenty of cuddles, wants me when he's upset etc. I think like you say, I just need to let go of the guilt.

@Constantlurker @waterrat thank you so much for your kind words Smile

OP posts:
Ginandgingers92 · 17/07/2019 21:33

My little one does this! He's just overwhelmed to see you- in a good way!

Original poster
NeverNude11 · 17/07/2019 21:34

@TurquoiseDress DS is exactly the same, he's fine once I pick him up and stops crying. He gives me a massive cuddle and then clings to me, but he's fine unless I try to put him down again. I guess it's emotional overload like you say! Poor little boy, it must be a big shock to the system going to nursery.

OP posts:
TheLette · 17/07/2019 21:38

Totally normal. Mine is now 21 months and started nursery at 13 months. She would cry when we picked her up initially, even though we know she is happy there. Now she doesn't cry but as soon as she sees one of us she looks very happy and excited, immediately gets up from whatever she is doing and comes over for a hug. I'm sure your little one will be doing the same as time goes on.

MorganKitten · 17/07/2019 21:38

Totally normal. I work with 4-11s some still do this.

VenusTiger · 17/07/2019 21:40

I think his reaction is as follows... he gets busy after you’ve dropped him off and he then remembers that he’s missed you when you return. He’s only a baby and doesn’t have any idea how to express his emotions. Crying is the go to expression for most things (for a while yet). I wouldn’t feel that you’re not strongly bonded, quite the opposite in fact. He’s so happy you’re back that he cries in attention for you to greet him.
That’s my thoughts anyway.

georgialondon · 17/07/2019 21:45

It's relief. It gets better honestly.

legalseagull · 17/07/2019 21:47

So so normal!!! Same with my daughter and ALL of my NCT friends. I think they just get so overwhelmed to see you and they can't process that excitement so it comes out in tears

Jinxed2 · 17/07/2019 21:48

Definitely normal! I work with children although a bit older (2-4) and this happens especially with the younger ones. I think quite often they are tired and overwhelmed when they see their mums again! They’ve always been fine all day! X

frazzledasarock · 17/07/2019 21:49

Dd used to do this when we she first started nursery. DP would sneak in and watch her quietly for a bit and she’d be playing happily, laughing, singing and then she’d see him and race to him wailing like she’d had a terrible time. Funny thing was another little girl would also start crying on seeing dd cry and want to go home with DP too!

She’s fine now. Race up to us laughing screaming dadeeeeee (no mummy, never mummy 😑)

TitusAndromedom · 17/07/2019 21:59

You’ve just reminded me that my twin boys used to do this. I’d completely forgotten. I expected them to be pleased to see me, and instead I ended up with these two wailing babies the second I walked through the door of the childminders. I used to have to sit on the floor so they could throw themselves on me since by then I struggled to pick them both up at once. They do their best to put us through the emotional wringer, don’t they?

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