My parents divorced when I was an older teen 15 years ago. My DM was left struggling financially and convinced me to buy her council house with her when I was 20, as she was entitled to a discount. I was reluctant as I was on min wage at 20, and it felt like a huge commitment, but DM had been through a tough time and needed my help to buy it. She told me that we would sell it one day and split the proceeds, So we split half the mortgage and all council tax, bills down the middle from day one. I worked 6 days a week to cover my share of everything and still have some fun money.
At 21 I got a much better paid job with better prospects but to accept it I had to move out and rent a room from a friend (very early shiftwork job in London and I needed to be on a nightbus route). I was also starting to need my own freedom and space. My mum didn’t want me to accept the new job because of the house commitment so I agreed to carry on paying my half of mortgage and bills so as to not leave her in a pinch. I had to pay for my own room rent and bills, plus the commitments at my mums so I had very little left over. My housemate said at the time it was a bit of a weird set up (my parents divorced but it was like I, the child, paid the matrimonial support at a time I needed to get on my own two feet).
Long story short, I paid my half at my mum’s for over 5 years, by which time I was married with a baby. I had to cut my maternity leave short and we really struggled with childcare costs and had to count every bean. I felt I had to go for promotions when DC was tiny and could not afford to go P/T. I was desperate to get out of the mortgage as DH had a small inheritance for a house deposit and we wanted to use it to buy our own place but couldn’t because I was financially tied up in a house already. I was also expected to fork out half the cost of some small home improvements at my mum’s which left me struggling, but she said I was obliged as the house was ‘half mine’. I was stuck for a long time as if I ever gently suggested we sell up, DM got upset as she couldn’t afford to buy on her own.
Eventually her boyfriend moved in and bought me out of my share, he added up all my payments over the 5-ish years and added a couple of grand on top. It was half of the equity. (So say for example he bought me out for £20k but received £40k in equity) and obviously it’s gone up loads more in recent years so he is very happy indeed. I was desperate to just get out of the situation so I accepted whatever I was offered and happy to get back what I put in.
Fast forward to now and DH and I are doing fine financially, DM has just retired. She was so excited because she ‘found’ a stocks and shares ISA that she started after the divorce, she had only been chucking the odd £50 a month into it and it’s now grown to £150,000. This is on top of her work pension and state pension.
I can’t help feeling that she was putting way more into the ISA than £50 a month, to reach £150k in 15 years and that she was only able to achieve this because I was covering half of all the bills for 5 years. From the ages of 20-25 when I needed to start building my own life.
AIBU to feel a bit coerced and put out?
On the plus side I got back what I put in originally, and I am very good at budgeting now as have had to be. I may inherit DM’s half of the house etc, but who knows what will happen with regards to her care in the future etc. We don’t need the money, in one sense the graft I have had to do has stood me in good stead so I can’t complain.
On the downside, I lost out on a lot of free time and was pretty much workaholic from the age of 20-25 to keep up with the bills, had to cut short time with DC early on, which is time you never get back. And I must admit I can’t stand when DM and her DP talk about how shrewd they have been with their equity and investments when I gave up so much to facilitate their good fortune.
I don’t want money from them. But am I justified in feeling a bit uncomfortable about how it panned out?
And would you ever say anything to them or is this a touchy subject? I am not good with conflict.