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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you ask..or should they offer?

77 replies

Sundancer77 · 17/07/2019 16:52

My Dd turns one this week, in a year myself and dp haven’t been out alone or spent any time together alone. We’ve been fine with this but have started to think we’d like to start going out, just for a few hours, just us.
We will probably try to sort a babysitter soon for a couple of times a month (v expensive here)
We live abroad and my parents stay at our house for two week breaks, a few times a year.
Aibu to want them to offer to babysit for just a few hours one evening, just so we can go to the beach/go for a few cocktails, just the two of us?
I’ve dropped so many hints and they regularly babysit for my sister, who lives down the road, sometimes for the weekend/a few days whilst she goes away (although they kind of complain about it a little, they also look after her kids a few times per week, whilst she works) hence why I’m uncertain to ask.
Aibu to just really want them to offer?? To see that dp and I need/would like a break 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
TheTitOfTheIceberg · 18/07/2019 18:29

They're not angry, OP, they're frustrated because you're starting to sound quite petulant. "But why can't they...but why...but why not...but whyyyyyyyy?"

I'm sure it would be lovely if they offered but they're obviously not going to so you have two choices: ask and stand a chance of getting the night out you want, or don't ask and have no chance.

NoSauce · 18/07/2019 18:34

If you don’t ask they may never offer and you’ll just get more and more frustrated! There could be numerous reasons why they haven’t offered. Swallow your pride and ask if they mind.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 18/07/2019 18:42

Maybe they haven't thought to offer because when they see you, they're on holiday themselves. You need to just ask them. You've moved away from any potential family support network so maybe they assume you don't want or need the help.

lifeinthedeep · 18/07/2019 18:46

Well, if they babysit for your sister they should do the same for you if they care about treating their children equally. I’d ask.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 18/07/2019 18:49

Just ask. Say “Mum, Dad how would you feel about watching the dc for a couple of hours one evening?”

They might not want to and that’s fine but ask as the worst that can happen is they say no

Original poster
Sundancer77 · 18/07/2019 19:21

@TheTitOfTheIceberg Are you ok? 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 19:28

I think if you wait, they will never offer because they don't actually want to do it. This feels a bit rubbish, I realise because I'm in the same boat as you.

If you ask, they'll probably do it, but they will also complain about you to the rest of the family - as of course you realise, as that's what they do to your sister. Again it's a bit rubbish for you, but it seems your parents are a bit selfish.

You'll have to pick between these two shite scenarios I'm afraid.

DappledThings · 18/07/2019 19:34

My parents have never offered because they fear it would be massively overstepping the mark. They are quite happy tooige when asked though.

If you've never discussed it you have no idea why they haven't offered.

DappledThings · 18/07/2019 19:34

tooige = to oblige. My screen is fucked.

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 19:38

My parents have never offered because they fear it would be massively overstepping the mark.

How do you know? Did you have this conversation? How did it go?

IncrediblySadToo · 18/07/2019 19:39

Maybe it doesn’t occur to them that you want to go out when they’re there visiting you?!

Tbh I’d assume that anyone I stay with knows I’d be happy to babysit, they’d just need to say they’re going out/will be home late etc. So maybe your parents assume the same 🤷🏻‍♀️ Certainly no one I’ve stayed with has ever been reticent to assume I’d happily baby sit - they’re generally more worried I’ll take the baby when I leave...

‘Mum Would you mind keeping an eye on DD if ‘Fred’ and I go out for dinner tomorrow night?’ Don’t wait for them to offer (even though that’s what you’d really like)

hazell42 · 18/07/2019 19:42

I am always delighted to be asked, but dont volunteer to babysit my granddaughter because I am very conscious about overstepping.
So, ask.
As long as it's not all the time they'll probably be delighted

DappledThings · 18/07/2019 19:43

I have extrapolated slightly. They absolutely feel they are imposing if they stay for more than 3 nights (and they live a 5 hour drive away so 3 nights is a minimum really) despite all my protestations to the contrary. They always pull away if they think they are doing anything with DC that isn't their job. Hard to think of examples. But if one of them is playing up and they intervene or we're in a cafe and they want to have cake or something they always check with me first. They love the DC and are great with them, they just want to be sure it's on my terms. I have tried to get them to relax about it but Mum once called GPs giving children treats without checking with the parents a "cardinal sin"!

When we have asked they have loved it. They had DS for 3 days (day only at ours) my last week of work before 2nd mat leave and told me how much of a privilege it had been.

Ginandgingers92 · 18/07/2019 19:46

I felt like this about my in laws for a bit, because my parents are really intuitive and always offering things like this- random visits to allow me just to nap when my lo was newborn, etc etc (although they live further away) and my in laws (who live much closer) didn't, and still don't. My parents would be down in a flash to let me rest, if I even told them I was slightly unwell, but I could tell my in laws I was dying imminently and they wouldn't even think about helping out!

I don't like directly asking for things as it seems cheeky (possibly like you?), so I was just expecting them to offer and was put out when they didn't. I spoke to my husband about it and I've come to realise, that some people are just more intuitive and think more about how they can help family, friends than others. My In-laws fall into the 'not thinking' category.

I totally get where you're coming from, I'd probably feel the same, but maybe in this situation just ask outright, starting off with 'I hate to be cheeky but...' that's what I do 🙈🙈🙈

Good luck. I'm sure it's just not crossed their mind when you ask they'll be more than happy to. Bonding time with their lovely grandchild, after all! :)

Sunshine93 · 18/07/2019 19:46

I think you should ask. It is a favour. If tou are not prepared to ask for it then you cant complain when you font get it. People arent mind readers. If they come for 2 weeks 1 night shouldnt be a big deal but remember it is their holiday so leave it at that.

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 19:50

I am amazed how many people think 'they don't offer, but when asked they're happy to do it'.

No they aren't.

Haven't you ever agreed to look after someones kids (or any other favour) because they asked, despite not wanting to? Then moan about it to your DH Grin

73Sunglasslover · 18/07/2019 19:50

I don't think it's reasonable to compare to what happens with your sister. They only see your children for 4 weeks of the year so they won't know them so well, won't have experience of settling them when upset etc. It's chalk and cheese. Plus if you are a long way away they may struggle with jet lag and not want to be in charge of children they don't know so well whilst very tired. You can ask them of course and I agree that direct would be best, but do be prepared for either answer - it's reasonable to ask directly. It's also reasonable for them to decline.

And I disagree with whoever said they use your base for cheap holidays. I expect they give up real holidays in order to have contact with family who live abroad. In all likelihood this is not really like a holiday for them. Most people don't choose to keep going back to the same places again and again and even if they do I wonder if you really live in the kind of place that attracts that? I think this is a visit, not a holiday.

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2019 19:53

Just ask.

Maybe they don't know that you're ready to start leaving the baby. Maybe they've not wanted to offer before now because they didn't feel confident.

Whatever - just ask. You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Sunshine93 · 18/07/2019 19:53

I suppose its possible they don't really want to. Perhaps they are tired from having yoojr nephew/niece all the time. Maybe next time they moan about your sister say something like, " you sound like you don't like babysitting, maybe i should never ask you to babysit for me!?" See how they respond but be prepared.

I ask my mum to have my kids. She usually says yes but sometimes says no. I dont think it's rude to ask.

saraclara · 18/07/2019 19:56

Why hint? Just ask, ffs.

I HATE it when people hint. My mum's a master of it*. It always feels sly to me. I'd far rather someone asked straughtforwardly.

*and when she does the sly hint, I NEVER offer to do what she's clearly after. I offer to do things for her spontaneously, but I'm not prepared to be manipulated.

DappledThings · 18/07/2019 19:57

I am amazed how many people think 'they don't offer, but when asked they're happy to do it'

Well I am certain of it in my case. Based on what I said previously plus how excited my mum was in the morning recently, the morning after the first ti.e they had done evening babysitting to tell me how well it had gone and what stories DS had chosen. She just doesn't have the confidence to think she's wanted really.

And hazell42 above has said, as the GP, she loves to be asked but fears overstepping the mark in offering so it isn't unique.

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2019 19:57

As ginandgingers says, my DPs are proactive about offering e.g. it's the school holidays coming up, can we help by having the DC for a day?
Whereas my FIL (now deceased) would never have offered in a million years, and all seeing of the GC for him had to happen in the context of an organised visit with us parents around for the whole time. My MIL will very happily babysit if asked, but will never offer proactively at all.

Groovee · 18/07/2019 20:05

Maybe they feel they will step on toes. Just ask them.

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 20:13

@DappledThings

Ok, but if they are actively complaining about doing it for their other child, it's seems a bit like they don't want to, doesn't it?

Also, if they are the 'don't want to overstep the mark' types, OP would know that wouldn't she.

I take your point though, it can happen.

oblada · 18/07/2019 20:15

We live in different countries to both set of parents. We have now 3 DC. Neither set of parents ever offered to 'baby sit'. I don't think we asked with our first one so probably didn't go out on our own for a good 2yrs until we could use the childminder for occasional babysitting. We just didn't think of it and neither did they. Nowadays however we're more proactive in asking my parents or MIL to look after the children on their own (Or just telling them we booked a show this day etc :) which happens to be during their visit) and they're very happy to help. Just ask!