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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Isn’t child controlling me .

53 replies

Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 14:57

I am at my wits end . I have an eight year old son, youngest child , who wants to dictate and know my every move. He can be anxious and gets upset when I am not in his vicinity. It is a habit I believe, as he will not sleep unless he begins his night sleep in my bed . He has now started to be aggressive and angry when he feels wronged and his demeanour is sometimes threatening. I could write about the family dynamic that has led to my realisation of this for a long time but the situation is that we have a stable and happy marriage and another child with special needs who takes up a lot of our time and attention . Am I being controlled or is he lashing out at our lack of sufficient time with him. Can you please please advise me. He does not speak to me with respect and I need to nip this in the bud right away. Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 14:58

THat should be... is my child controlling me?

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 15:04

What consequences do you currently give him for being rude?

If your other child has special needs and requires a lot of attention, it could be that he's playing up for attention himself.

What is his relationship with his sibling like?

herculepoirot2 · 17/07/2019 15:05

I think I read something similar on here before. Are you the same poster who wanted SS to remove her son?

Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:06

He has a love hate relationship with his sibling. They get on very well
And have fun but he definitely resents her extra needs that require attention over and above his own. I have tried everything from putting him into his room, to speaking sternly but at this stage I am almost apathetic. I’m worn down. Any advice welcome thanks

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 17/07/2019 15:08

Is it possible to get more support for your other child so you can spend more time with your youngest?

Pineapplefish · 17/07/2019 15:11

For an 8yo I wouldn't use the word controlling... many 8yo's want more attention and do their best to get it!

Clear boundaries that he understands. Calm, consistent approach to discipline if he oversteps these. Lots of love and attention if he's feeling anxious.

Have you read "How to Listen so Kids Talk, and Talk so Kids Listen"? Worth a read I think.

Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:23

I will look into that book. I have never posted about this before and I don’t do so lightly. He has trouble with friendships for being bossy and over bearing . I don’t want this to escalate .
When I speak to him , he blames everybody else for his behaviours .he always has to be right and have the last word

OP posts:
Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:24

He spends all his time with me outside of school hours, reluctant to take part in activities or camps . Has a fear of sleepovers at my family’s house . He is constantly
At my side . It is suffocating but I feel guilt at the same time . My family think he is being
Controlling

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 17/07/2019 15:26

Stop with the controlling talk, he's an eight year old.

You say he's with you, but are you interacting with him, do you have time for just the two of you?

Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:26

I have to give him lots of notice when o am going out to an appointmanet , when I will return, what I’m doing and a promise that I will be back. For context, I have never left him without telling him what is going to happen

OP posts:
Yellowweatherwarning · 17/07/2019 15:26

Have you got any pets? A great friend to have. ... A new focus!

Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:27

The majority of our time together is alone time

OP posts:
Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:28

No pets. We will be getting one but at the moment we both work and are out of the house all day long so a pet would be on their own

OP posts:
Manclife1 · 17/07/2019 15:28

I’d start by telling him to sleep on his own bed. He’s 8 years not 8 months old.

lunar1 · 17/07/2019 15:29

How much of the time you spend with him is actually with him and not just you both in the same room. Does he get quality time that is just the two of you interacting, talking and having fun together.

Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:31

Yes we interact all the time. Talking incessantly, art, Lego, reading etc

OP posts:
sillysmiles · 17/07/2019 15:33

I think this does sound like controlling behaviour. You say he gets a lot of alone time with you - then is isn't that he is being neglected because of other child.

Do not bring a pet into the situation - you have enough on your plate.

I would suggest not telling him everything. You are not answerable to him and detailing your every moment is not reassuring him so he stops asking but making the asking worse.
So try saying - I'm going out, x person will be looking after you and I will see you later and leave and don't entertain other questions.

Goldmandra · 17/07/2019 15:47

This can be how people perceive the behaviour of children who are experiencing high anxiety. Sometimes those children turn out to have a well-masked autism spectrum disorder.

Children who struggle with change and disruptions to their routine may try to manage this by attempting to take control. This can help make the world more predictable. However, the conflict it causes with the adults who don't wish to report their every movement and allow a child to be in control can defeat the object of the behaviour in increase the anxiety.

It may be worth reading around high functioning autism and Aspergers Syndrome. Don't be put off if his behaviour and attainment in school are good. That often comes with masking.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 17/07/2019 15:49

I take it that his DF is not present.
That could be a factor.

mbosnz · 17/07/2019 15:50

He sounds very anxious, which could be manifesting as seeking to control?

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 17/07/2019 15:51

But for years you have given into his behaviour. So he has continued it. Its escalating to ensure he has control.

It is about control. Possibly because he feels he has a lack of control as his sibling takes so much attention.

Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:57

Perhaps. His sibling has HFA. My husband is present and very involved

OP posts:
Original poster
Engineeringnerd · 17/07/2019 15:57

Any advice as to how I can manage it please . I am at my wits end

OP posts:
pointythings · 17/07/2019 15:59

He sounds incredibly anxious to me, to an extent that really isn't normal. Painting him as 'controlling' isn't helping - and perhaps he isn't as NT as you might think. I'd be looking at getting some assessment for him and then some support.

TamaraDeLempicky · 17/07/2019 16:00

Sounds very much like my son at that age. I really feel for you. We finally took him to a private psychiatrist who diagnosed his with ASD and ADHD.