Isn’t child controlling me .

[Engineeringnerd]

I am at my wits end . I have an eight year old son, youngest child , who wants to dictate and know my every move. He can be anxious and gets upset when I am not in his vicinity. It is a habit I believe, as he will not sleep unless he begins his night sleep in my bed . He has now started to be aggressive and angry when he feels wronged and his demeanour is sometimes threatening. I could write about the family dynamic that has led to my realisation of this for a long time but the situation is that we have a stable and happy marriage and another child with special needs who takes up a lot of our time and attention . Am I being controlled or is he lashing out at our lack of sufficient time with him. Can you please please advise me. He does not speak to me with respect and I need to nip this in the bud right away. Thank you for reading.

He's 8, not 18 or 28, he's not "being controlling" in the way an adult could be.

He sounds needy and insecure - you do not address that with punishments, annoying as it doubtless is. You need to take his worries seriously and help him with strategies to cope with them. There are lots of workbooks designed for a parent and child of this age to do together based on CBT techniques.

Having a child with SN and working full time is hard, but in the end that isn't your 8 year old's fault and he shouldn't be punished for trying to tell you that he needs the same amount of parenting as 8 year olds whose parents have more time for them.

Is there any support you can access? Family or other - for your DD so that you free up some time 1:1 with DS on a regular basis, not for high status treats but to get to the bottom of his anxiety and help him build an arsenal of coping strategies?

Any advice as to how I can manage it please . I am at my wits end

You need to focus on reducing the anxiety which is the root of the behaviour, not trying to manage the behaviour itself.

If you already have a child with HFA, use the same strategies. Now and next conversations, minimal disruptions to routine, manage sensory input, limiting demanding social interaction, rest breaks between social activities, etc.

Label emotions for him as he experiences them as he may not have an age-appropriate understanding of them.

This is a very hard time of year in school. Routine goes out of the window and change is everywhere. You can't do much other than acknowledge that.

How is school usually? Could they make some adjustments to reduce his anxiety in the future?

This is a good example of something you could do together which is addressing his problems not just giving undirected attention to reward needy behaviours:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1119395283/ref=sspa_mb_hqp_detail_mobile_aax_0?psc=1&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&ie=UTF8

I could have written your post myself. My ds2 is 9. After 18 months of his anxiety getting worse he’s finally been diagnosed as having separation anxiety. No ASD or hidden disorders. His ‘symptoms’ are identical to what you have described and are classic for older children with separation anxiety - including the volatile nature and aggressive outbursts, the need to control where I am etc etc

Can I just ask if his sibling is older or younger than him?

I'd say this is anxiety, having experience with a child with anxiety.

In what form or why I don't know, but it's escalation can be rapid.
Very hard to live with for you and the child.
I'd personally go and see someone who is an expert. It will probably involve paying, as children's mental health services are lacking.

Thanks everyone. I will look at that link tonight . He is the youngest child

I’m so sorry I didn’t read the whole thread but I have to run. Just want to say that he sounds anxious. That can make you seek reassurance and control but its not really fair to call a child controlling. Give him as much consistency as you can muster. That means following through with punishments (but not without explaining the consequence / just not over and over). Don’t forget to reward good behaviour - even just with praise and even if you have to really really hunt for it. I bet you are exhausted but try to do the punishments in just a matter of fact way. The punishments should make him feel more safe and in control (not of you) because he knows what the consequences are and what is expected from him. Sorry if that sounds bossy - it’s more a note to self as my daughter is sometimes like this. It rights itself if I make a big effort to follow through with time out and praise everything she does that I like!! She is younger so I also use star stickers.

Just wondering whether you consulting him about your appointments etc gives him the impression he gets to choose what you do?

i.e. if I ask my picky eater kid what she wants for dinner every day, she's going to surely always think it's up to her, rather than try anything new?

I think you need to consult him less, inform him less. Just expect him to go with the flow more. By constantly talking him though all this stuff you are probably even giving him too much to think about! Stop doing this - That way he will know his boundaries and have his expectations managed. He will probably happier too.

Obviously I'm not a child psychologist or expert so I might be wrong! But this is how I would approach the situation if I were in your shoes.

When I started reading your post I thought HFA. Maybe it would be worth requesting an assessment? The behavior you describe doesn't sound 'normal'. I also have children with SEN- ASD and ADHD.

Regarding the bedtime issue can you help him create a bedtime routine in his own bed (with you there) which would help him feel safe, eg favourite cuddly in specific place, drink of milk or water and a story or relaxation story (we use moshi twilight app). Kiss and hug and sit at end of bed until he's asleep?
When he feels safer you can reduce the items in the routine until he can manage on his own?

My son has only just been able to sleep all night in his bed and he's 8, we do this routine and I'm still sitting with him until he's asleep but it does help the anxiety. My son is HFA and very anxious.

"This can be how people perceive the behaviour of children who are experiencing high anxiety"

I was wondering that too. My behaviour was very like this aged eight. I was suffering from severe anxiety and OCD. My mother's reaction was to pigeonhole me as controlling and/or doing it as an attack on her. It really wasn't helpful. I do sympathise though, OP. Very best of luck.

Have you considered that he too may have additional needs?
He might not have enough traits to be diagnosed with autism but could still have some traits that are being missed.

The high levels of anxiety, rigidity in thinking, lack of emotional control etc could well be his presentation of autism.

I have thought of it all evening and I am trying to process the overwhelming majority who have either suggested that or hinted at the possibility . I will apply the type of parenting that we have been educated and trained in for my daughter to my son .I have contacted a friend who is a child psychologist for recommended reading material relating to anxiety, particularly separation anxiety and will take it from there. You’ve mostly been so helpful . Thanks from the heart . I understand that this is not about me or my husband but I don’t think I could cope with another diagnosis of autism right now . We are just about keeping our heads above water mentally aswell as emotionally .

I don’t think I could cope with another diagnosis of autism right now .

I understand this. I will never forget the move from being reassured that my DD2 was very different from her sister to realising that, actually, she also had ASD and her needs were more significant.

If you can reduce the anxiety, you can take some time before triggered an assessment. However, you probably do need to make sure his needs are met in school next term if this is a source of anxiety for him.

Assessment and diagnosis is hard on parents. Make sure that you are looking after yourselves too. The oxygen mask analogy works well here. Your children need you to be healthy so you can ensure their needs are met.

When I read your OP I thought "anxiety". People with autism are often very anxious because it's so hard for them to cope with transitions and uncertainty. But please bear in mind that lots of people are anxious who are neurotypical/do not have an underlying AS condition. Those people might also struggle with transitions and uncertainty because of their anxiety, and they might need to be supported in similar ways to someone with an AS condition, but that doesn't mean they have autism. Autism can run in families, but I would have thought the more immediately obvious explanation would be that he's anxious because your other child perhaps can be challenging at times and because he wants more attention from you. Please don't be frightened to get help for your son because people have suggested he might have HFA.

PS not a clinician, just have experience of families where one child has additional needs and the other siblings find it hard to cope.

I know it’s about my children but the grief of my daughters diagnosis and her potential future knocked us for six and We really struggled for a year at least .
I have learned the hard way that generally, she and many of her peers are so so vulnerable to bullying and nastiness , I just can’t bear it .

My son is like this, he's autistic and WAS extremely controlling of me, possessive and yes, I've only slept apart from him in the past year.

I've really sorted him out with boundaries and just not accepting to be ruled by his anxiety.

Are you sure he's not also autistic, OP?

Also, my oldest son...he finds it hard, having to roll with the obsessional stuff and dealing with little brothers ways....I have got him some pastoral support at school so he knows he can talk. It can be very tough on siblings as I'm sure you know.

@Engineeringnerd, it's a full on grieving process. I've been through it twice now.

You're learning to accept a new normal and a new future. It's nine years since DD1 was diagnosed. It was six months before I could say the word autism. It was a lot longer before it really felt OK but I got there in the end.

I know you know this logically but try to remember that a diagnosis wouldn't change him. It could just make things easier for you all.

Take one step at a time. The next one is to take some time to work out what might be contributing to his anxiety and work out what you can change. That's enough for now.

I think this sounds like anxiety rahter than controlling. Some of the behaviours sound like those of a friend of mine, diagnosed in adulthood as having AS (as well as OCD, anxiety, depression and a whole host of other things stemming from an abusive childhood).

I don't know really about managing it. What do school do in terms of behaviour regulation? How do they address bad behaviour (does he behave badly at school or is it more a social thing)?

I have an 8 year old who is currently going through a period of poor sleeping. Constantly asks to sleep in with me. Most nights I'll say no - I'll go in and spend some time, read a story, cuddle, etc. If DH is working late, then I'll permit it as otherwise I get woken when DH comes to bed.

I think you need to break down the different problems and address them one by one. Why is he worried if you're not in the room? What can he do to reassure himself? You could escalate times you're away, gradually. Ditto bedtime. What things can he do for himself that can make him feel more secure, or in control of the situation?

Sorry, realised you've had much of this said already.

It sounds like you're placing a lot of adult motivations on the actions of an 8 year old boy who's obviously insecure and crying out for love.

He sounds like my DD, including needing to know my schedule in detail and needing to sleep in our room. For her, that behavior was due to anxiety. We are still working on addressing that because it isn’t an easy fix and the waits for doctors and therapists are long, but knowing the cause makes it easier to deal with and helps guide my responses.

Whatever the cause, it is extremely unlikely this is a power play on his side. Really look at his behavior and try to imagine it through the lens of a child who hasn’t learned to express their deepest insecurities.

Then try to provide what he needs. That might not just be time. It mine be predictability. That can be addressed by putting a family calendar on the wall that clearly outlines the schedule for the week.

It might be comfort. A bedtime routine that includes some cuddles might help.

I’m also a fan of weighted blankets. They aren’t cheap, but the prices gave dropped considerably. We got one for dd and I loved it so much, I got one for myself. Our therapist recommended the weighted blanket stay in dd’s Room. So if she wants to use it, she has to sleep there.

I would say his anxiety is controlling you. Give him lots of hugs and tell him you love him but now that he is not baby he must now sleep in his own bed. Don't get drawn into a deep discussion over this at bedtime - tell him in a calm way in the afternoon so that he has time to process this. Keep firm and stick to your guns - if he tries to get in your bed calmly walk him back to his room and don't get into a discussion about it. Tell him you will speak again in the morning. I'd keep the landing light on - some kids are just afraid of the dark.

Hi op I've been through this with my eldest at that age , her sister is also sen and is 24h around the clock care. Your little boy isnt being controlling , it took time and a lot of conscious effort to make our dd feel just as important as her poorly sister, we got a pet! We got her in to her local scouts which shes still in today and was fantastic in giving her confidence, we try to have one to one time with her even if it's a girls night in with a movie and popcorn or a trip out just us two. She also started doing extra after school activities. Our dd's social worker from the children's disabled team arranged recently for eldest dd to attend a young carers group and its fantastic for them.