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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to bring my Buggy to FIL house?

73 replies

QS7819 · 17/07/2019 08:45

First Timer here. Be gentle 🙃.

After having my first child, I was a bit apprehensive to leave my DS with anyone, my partners father said that he would be happy to look after him while we work, so I agreed. I really do appreciate the help and I tell them all the time. My partners father hardly goes out during the week but they have a massive back garden which DS can play in.
But Partners Sister has been telling everyone else apart from me, she will be picking up DS with the buggy. AIBU, to tell her no she cannot pick him up unless she has confirms it with me first?
She doesn’t text me or anything just thinks it’s okay to turn up at my house wanting the baby and the buggy.
I’ve told partner that DS is not a toy and she can’t just pick and choose what she wants to do with our child!!!
Since having the baby I’ve been having all types of problems with them. 🙄

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 08:47

What harm do you think will come to him, being with his aunt?

What does your partner think about his sister, his childs aunt, having some input into child care?

Why is this an issue?

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 17/07/2019 08:47

Seriously - just get proper paid childcare put in place.

You could word it to your boyfriends dad like this "thanks for the lovely offer of childcare - what we are going to do is put childcare in place but it would be great if you could be the emergency childcare in case anything fell through"

Or words to that effect. Even if you don't say that, I think paid childcare is best anyway, because they're qualified and safe.

chiccocico · 17/07/2019 08:52

YANBU in that she should have asked you or your DP first and you should know where she is planning to take your baby. Is she particularly young or irresponsible?

blackcat86 · 17/07/2019 08:52

Why would you not take the buggy? It's not really healthy for your DS to spend that much time inside even in the garden. I'm afraid that with the benefits of free childcare you will find yourself needing to provide more items. I can see you not wanting to pack your child off with SIL but I'm unsure what the issue is aside from her not offering to have DS to you directly. Does she know and have a good bond with him? Do you trust her? What sort of issues have you had? My 11 month old dd spends 3 days a week with gps as childcare and loves it. It's free (ish) but she is getting 2-1 personalised childcare with people who love her. You just wont find that at a nursery. The downside is that I have to get up 5am to pack us up ready to go because there are buggys, car seats, toys and God knows what else going. You're sort of wanting to have your cake and eat it here.

thedevilcamefromthehimber · 17/07/2019 08:54

When my nephew is at my parents I sometimes take him out in his buggy or to mine if my mum needs a break and we never ask my sister if it's in first. It's all about trust. Her just turning up at yours without asking isn't on but surely if her dad is looking after your child and needs a break it's ok for her to take him out?

Benes · 17/07/2019 08:55

I really don't see why this is an issue. She's his auntie. This is completely normal behaviour in my family.

Nanny0gg · 17/07/2019 09:02

There's obviously a reason that the SiL has spoken directly to the OP.

Sciurus83 · 17/07/2019 09:05

Why on earth wouldn't you give the people looking after your child his buggy? I assume SIL has offered to give FIL a hand for this FREE childcare you are so fortunate to have. Unless there is a major backstory here what is the problem?

4under4our · 17/07/2019 09:06

When my SIL's children are in my MIL's care I wouldn't dream of just taking them somewhere without asking!

I've always text SIL first, even though she's never said no and never would and it sometimes means we have to wait around for a while until she sees the message and responds.

To me, this isn't about trust, safety, control or anything other than respect. I respect my SIL as a parent and I respect that she has the right to know where her children are. This is completely unaffected by the fact that MIL provides unpaid childcare.

Janus · 17/07/2019 09:09

Isn’t it a good idea to have the buggy? Then your child can go out for a walk, pop to the shops, go to the park etc? I think I may be missing the point? Why would you not like her to have the buggy??

daisypond · 17/07/2019 09:10

I don’t understand what you mean. Do you mean she’s offering to pick DS up and drop him off at your FIL’s for you so you don’t need to drop him off yourself? That sounds nice.

Cheeserton · 17/07/2019 09:16

Sorry but you don't provide nearly enough info.

What are all these 'problems' you've been having since the baby was born? Kind of crucial background info. Also, why is she circumventing you and telling everyone else?

stucknoue · 17/07/2019 09:20

You need to either trust their judgement or pay for proper childcare. It's not reasonable to have freebie childcare then say they cannot go for a walk or get help from the sister / aunt (they may be struggling a bit)

JemSynergy · 17/07/2019 09:21

I don't see what your SIL has done wrong. If she didn't take an interest in your child would you have an issue with that? I have never thought not to provide a buggy when a family member is looking after one of my babies in the past, they want to take them out to the park etc.

Original poster
QS7819 · 17/07/2019 09:24

I don’t think any harm will come to him, but I’ve been out with her and DP. And she is pretty careless. I let DP tell her as she would listen to her own brother.
His mother has said some pretty nasty things about me and DS and acts like she hasn’t .. SIL has my number we used to talk and the regular but since having the baby, I’ve had things to do, she’ll only speak to me briefly when I’m at their house.

OP posts:
SlothMama · 17/07/2019 09:27

So what? Why shouldn't she take the buggy out, let the child go and see some different things rather than the same house and garden everyday.

TokenGinger · 17/07/2019 09:28

YABU. I can't see the issue here.

My DP sadly doesn't have his mother, but we have his aunt. If aunt was looking after DS and one of his cousins happened to take DS out during that time, we wouldn't bat an eyelid. He's with a family member who loves and cares for him.

Original poster
QS7819 · 17/07/2019 09:29

Ok, I’m not saying that it’s not a good idea for them to have the buggy. My point was she hasn’t asked me anything .. she told her father that she would collect him, do you not think that I should be told?
The father happened to tell me while I was there during the week what the plan was and never confirmed anything with me.
I bring the buggy occasionally but FIL isn’t fussed. As I said they have a massive back garden which he plays with him in. Or they take him for drives. He’s not just stuck in the house.

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 17/07/2019 09:31

Your baby your rules.
I wouldn't be happy if my sil had taken out my DC without my permission. If we didn't have a good relationship and couldn't communicate (and she was going behind my back) I would have to tell my fil that whilst DS is in his care he is not to allow sil to take him.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/07/2019 09:34

What do you mean by careless.

WorraLiberty · 17/07/2019 09:34

SIL has my number we used to talk and the regular but since having the baby, I’ve had things to do, she’ll only speak to me briefly when I’m at their house.

So she respects the fact you're busy and gives you space?

Just ring your SIL and have a word. She probably hasn't mentioned it to you because she's sees taking the baby out as giving your FIL a little break.

But as PPs have suggested, you need to organise proper paid childcare.

MyOpinionIsValid · 17/07/2019 09:38

This really is one of those situations where you are looking to be offended.

she told her father that she would collect him, do you not think that I should be told?

Nicely, get over yourself. You're goig the right way about creating drama and tension.

His mother has said some pretty nasty things about me and DS and acts like she hasn’t

And this has what, apart from straw clutching, to do with SIL taking her nephew out for a stroll?

Cheeserton · 17/07/2019 09:38

Yes you should be made aware of such arrangements, of course. I have to ask for further info on 'careless' too though, as otherwise there hasn't been much of concern.

NoSauce · 17/07/2019 09:39

Does SIL live with her parents?

Maybe you’d feel happier if your DS was in nursery OP?

Munchkingoat · 17/07/2019 09:40

Ok, yes your sister-in-law needs to communicate with you better but she may not even considered it an issue to be honest. Bear in mind that everyone is helping you out.
I think FIL needs to have a buggy anyway in case he wants to nip to the shops or the such like, but also your child is going to really enjoy going out and about in the buggy