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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to bring my Buggy to FIL house?

73 replies

QS7819 · 17/07/2019 08:45

First Timer here. Be gentle 🙃.

After having my first child, I was a bit apprehensive to leave my DS with anyone, my partners father said that he would be happy to look after him while we work, so I agreed. I really do appreciate the help and I tell them all the time. My partners father hardly goes out during the week but they have a massive back garden which DS can play in.
But Partners Sister has been telling everyone else apart from me, she will be picking up DS with the buggy. AIBU, to tell her no she cannot pick him up unless she has confirms it with me first?
She doesn’t text me or anything just thinks it’s okay to turn up at my house wanting the baby and the buggy.
I’ve told partner that DS is not a toy and she can’t just pick and choose what she wants to do with our child!!!
Since having the baby I’ve been having all types of problems with them. 🙄

OP posts:
TheInebriati · 17/07/2019 09:41

Yanbu, some people have poor boundaries. You don't have to pander to them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 09:42

I don't understand the issue here. Why don't you actually talk to her and explain your concerns?

If you're not happy with the arrangements, you need to sort alternative childcare.

Lipz · 17/07/2019 09:49

If it were me, I'd rather know who's taking my child. I understand it happens when your child is been minded and another relation takes them for walks , out for couple of hours, I'd like to be informed. Especially if you don't trust them 100%, maybe a chat to fil to explain your concerns as I personally find men don't have similar concerns.

Proseccoinamug · 17/07/2019 09:50

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming and there’s a reason you are concerned about your sil in particular, I don’t see what the problem is.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 17/07/2019 09:52

Why would fil have concerns about his daughter the childs aunt taking her nephew out in the buggy for a bit?

Waiting1987 · 17/07/2019 09:55

YABU

BertrandRussell · 17/07/2019 09:56

A other one not seeing the problem....

TheInebriati · 17/07/2019 09:59

Partners Sister has been telling everyone else apart from me, she will be picking up DS with the buggy.

Its this bit that is the problem. Babies are not toys.

Jubba · 17/07/2019 09:59

Can you not put your child in nursery? You’ve not answered that question..

BertrandRussell · 17/07/2019 10:02

Only on Mumsnet would it be considered preferable for a child to be in a nursery rather than looked after by loving grandparents simply because his aunt failed to fill in a form in triplicate asking permission to take him for a walk in his pushchair.

JayoftheRed · 17/07/2019 10:04

But it depends on the reliability of the sister in law. I wouldn't hesitate to let my brother take my kids out, I know that they would be safe, that if anything happened DB would be more than capable of coping, that he can handle nappy changes or accidents of that nature, etc etc.

MY husband's sister on the other hand, no way. She panics when the kids so much as cough. She is completely incapable of taking them anywhere. She wouldn't be able to handle the eldest alone, he has complete control over her. DS2 is a runner and if he took off while they were walking down the street or something, she just wouldn't be able to handle it. She needs supervising herself when they are around - she plays really nicely with them, but has absolutely no control over them or authority, and wouldn't know what to do in a toilet accident, or any kind of emergency. I don't think she would know what to do on her own in any kind of emergency - she has been so mollycoddled and smothered by her parents; she doesn't know how to use the washing machine, or cook, or anything.

So I wouldn't be agreeing to my SIL taking my son out in the buggy at all, unless I knew that FIL/MIL was there too. Last time we all went out, SIL pushed the buggy, but couldn't work out how to get it up the kerb and so just left the buggy in the gutter and asked someone else to do it. It's not her fault, she's been so smothered by her mother that I'm amazed she can go to the toilet by herself - that sounds bitchier than it's meant.

Anyway, I think it utterly depends on the capability of the SIL, and also the relationship between OP and her SIL - there are people in my family that I won't have in my house, let alone let them take my child out, so it really does depend on other factors other than "she's his auntie, what's the problem".

WorraLiberty · 17/07/2019 10:07

Its this bit that is the problem. Babies are not toys.

I don't get this statement Confused

How is an aunt taking her nephew out for a stroll, treating him like a toy?

Bizarre.

BertrandRussell · 17/07/2019 10:10

And actually, babies are toys-a little bit. Otherwise we would’t dress them up as elves at Christmas......

TheInebriati · 17/07/2019 10:11

Would you tell everyone else that you are taking someones baby out, and not say anything to them? Seriously?

WorraLiberty · 17/07/2019 10:17

But unless I've read it wrong, the SIL has told her dad she'll pick the baby up for him.

Probably just thinking she's helping out, that's all.

No fuss, no drama.

ohcanada · 17/07/2019 10:24

Can you just send her a text saying 'hi, heard your planning to pick up DS, that's lovely, im sure he'll enjoy spending time with his aunty! Would you please just text me first when you plan to do this - I just like to know where he is and what he's doing in case my plans suddenly change!'

PopGoesTheWeaz · 17/07/2019 10:33

Is it possible perhaps that Grandpa has realised he has bitten off more than he can chew and she has offered to help so that they are still able to provide the childcare you were promised?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/07/2019 10:39

I don't see the problem, either.

As for asking permission to take the baby out in the buggy, I can't imagine what my dd's reaction would have been if I'd phoned her at work every time I'd wanted to push baby Gdd to the shops or the park!

What's more, babies usually love being taken out in the buggy - so many things we barely even notice are new and interesting to them - it's a form of entertainment in itself. Not to mention that if they're tired, it's often a good way of getting them off to sleep..

Presumably you wouldn't want to pay a fortune for nursery fees, rather than trust your baby's close relatives to look after him?

Liverprobs · 17/07/2019 10:46

I too can’t see the problem .... I’m genuinely confused OP .... Confused

You need to lighten up ....

LegionOfDoom · 17/07/2019 10:48

When my parents looked after dc, my brother or sister would occasional pop over and take them out. Sometimes they would shoot me a text to say they’re going to pick them up. Other times, if they just happened to be passing by, they would just take them and I’d find out after I got home. Both were absolutely fine with me and my dc now have a very close relationship with both my brother and my sister. As long as there are no big concerns, I don’t see what the problem is.

Sauvignonblanket · 17/07/2019 10:50

YANBU for wanting to know who your baby is with, you need to know who is responsible for their care at any point in the day. But YABU unreasonable for getting the way of SIL helping if she's generally capable - your partner's father might need a break, it's good for their relationship and it's good for a change of scene and to get out and about. If she could take him to a group to help socialise that would be a really nice thing. It is hard though to be handing over your child while you work and easy to worry about them, I sympathise.

Cheeserton · 17/07/2019 10:50

Bertrand form in triplicate?? Don't be ridiculous. It's not unreasonable to simply want to know who's looking after your child. I sure as hell want to know that information, with no 'form filling' or drama. Just to be kept informed at least.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan · 17/07/2019 10:51

Taking babies 'for a drive' is ridiculous unless you have a screamer and that's the only way they will sleep or you are going somewhere. Taking a baby for a walk is a lovely thing to do, fresh air, they get to look around etc. I take DS out every day to the park to feed the squirrels or to the seafront, he's very engaged with what's going on. An aunt wanting to do this with her DN is lovely and normal and is best if your FIL just stays at home, it gives him a break and gets your child out and about with another family member who loves him. In all honesty she probably hasn't mentioned it because it's no big deal, she hasn't seen you. Also you seem like a bit of a nightmare with your baby, and I have a 7 month old PFB....

ColaFreezePop · 17/07/2019 10:57

Who is everyone?

Luckily my SILs weren't as precious as you OP.

I use to take out and look after their babies and then toddlers when they came to see my mother as a teen. And no I didn't tell them first.

My mum was horrible to my SILs so it actually got to the point unless I was there they would not leave their children alone with her.

DinoEggz · 17/07/2019 10:58

I don’t think any harm will come to him, but I’ve been out with her and DP. And she is pretty careless
So which is it? Either she’s careless and you’re concerned the baby will be harmed. Or you’re not concerned.

Truthfully it sounds like you don’t like SIL, you feel she doesn’t respect you and you don’t want her looking after your child. Which is your prerogative of course.

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