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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aunty gave son Alcohol

63 replies

beckywiththecraphair · 17/07/2019 01:27

  • 15 year old DS, very close to his 2 Aunts (DHs sisters) - one is in her thirties, the other in her forties.
  • He stayed at one of theirs at the weekend and they all went to a local small town festival with loads of bands playing. They went to a bar afterwards to hear another live band. One of his Aunts knew the bouncer so he was let in.
  • The younger Aunt bought him two bottles of cider. HE IS FIFTEEN.
  • He rang me the next day and told me. He said he wasn't drunk but did enjoy the taste of it and asked if he would be allowed drink it again. I told him yes absolutely when he was 17 or 18.
  • I didn't make a big issue out of it because we live in a quite "rough" area where gangs of young teenagers are frequently out drinking on the green (my DS does not go with them or know them) and he felt like he was the big man for being in a bar after hours and tasting alcohol.

AIBU to want to wring my SIL's neck for giving him alcohol without my consent? I'm glad he told me straight away and I'm glad he was with an adult when he had alcohol for the first time but I really don't know how to approach this one.

He gets on well with both of his Aunts and I don't want to put him in a position where he feels like he has "snitched".
Equally I think it's fucking downright irresponsible to give a 15 year old alcohol.
Equally still, I think I'd rather this than him necking a bottle of Devil's Bit down the Green with some local lads.
I did say it to DH and he was livid.
DS does not have access to alcohol at SIL house and enjoys his visits with her. If I were to make a big song and dance about this I feel that I would have to put a stop to those visits and therefore DS would be the one missing out. The festival was a one-off and usually he would not go out when staying there. He will not be staying there again until the next school holiday which will be Halloween.

She is a good natured person who means no harm but also a melodramatic drama-loving person who will absolutely 100% turn this into a massive family drama and make DS feel like he has done something wrong by ratting him out.

I don't want to punish him for telling the truth and coming to me straight away but equally I feel like I can't let her away with this. How do I word it? Or do I say nothing and just wait until the next time he's due to stay over and say "I want to make it clear that this time there's to be no alcohol, he's underage"?

(I start work at 3am so if I vanish that's why)

OP posts:
RainbowMum11 · 17/07/2019 01:32

Just let it go - at 15, i would have thought it would be quite unusual to not have had any alcohol, and he had 2 bottles of cider with his Aunts, he was safe & told you straight away - please don't make a drama out of it, it really won't help anyone.

MazDazzle · 17/07/2019 01:36

I agree they were irresponsible and it was a bad idea, but in the circumstances it’s probably better just to let it go. What’s done’s done. His brain and body should not be processing alcohol at 15! And I’m saying that as someone who got shitfaced for the first time when I was 13.

When is he 16?

Isithometimeyet0987 · 17/07/2019 01:41

Better 2 bottles of cider with a family member than drinking god knows what with friends at the weekend, and I say this as someone who started drinking at 14 behind my parents backs (did get caught a few times though). Honestly if as you say yourself you think it’s a one off I’d leave it.

TakeOneForTheBreem · 17/07/2019 01:46

At 15?

I couldn't get worked up about that.

The ones whose parents withheld all alcohol til the kids were 18 were always the ones who got blackout drunk every weekend at university.

Original poster
beckywiththecraphair · 17/07/2019 01:47

Thank you, I couldn't even remember when I tasted alcohol for the first time but DH was really, really angry and I was so annoyed but glad that DS had come to me and told me out straight.

OP posts:
Original poster
beckywiththecraphair · 17/07/2019 01:49

@TakeOneForTheBreem You're right. I suppose when it's my own son I still think he's a young child but I'd rather he learn about stuff like this with (somewhat) responsible adults than a pack of mates acting the maggot. Still annoyed he was the one who had to tell me but also glad he did!

OP posts:
MiniMum97 · 17/07/2019 01:54

I really wouldn't worry about it. At all.

kamelo · 17/07/2019 01:55

I couldn't get worked up over this, although I'm assuming by two bottles you mean two small bottles rather than two two litre bottles. I suppose the only thing is it would be better if they'd cleared it with you first. Ultimately though I'd rather this than find out they'd been drinking some cheap slop with their mates in the park.
When mine were around that age the offer was always made that they could have a beer or glass of wine at family gatherings. To be honest they preferred soft drinks most of the time.

IAmNotAWitch · 17/07/2019 01:56

I think you are overreacting, a couple of ciders with his aunts at a music festival is unlikely to have a 'gateway' effect. I would actually suggest the exact opposite is more likely.

I have a 15 year old son, he is allowed to have a small something at family gatherings if he wishes. He doesn't usually bother as alcohol just isn't a big deal (either way) in our family.

Original poster
beckywiththecraphair · 17/07/2019 01:58

@MazDazzle He's only just 15, his birthday was in June.

Yes same here @kamelo I'd rather this than finding out that he had been necking 2 litre bottles in a park somewhere.

Christ it's a whole other level of worry after they hit 13, isn't it? Fucking hell.

OP posts:
Original poster
beckywiththecraphair · 17/07/2019 01:59

Not so much worried about it being a gateway @IAmNotAWitch as I was about him being the one to tell me! But I'm glad he did.

OP posts:
OwlBeThere · 17/07/2019 01:59

So why is 17 ok? I ask because if you’d be ok with it at 17, then it can’t be a legality thing, so I wonder why you are so angry, it was 2 drinks, he wasn’t drunk, he was with an adult who he could trust. It seems a pretty balanced why to try it to me. Are you mad she didn’t ask you first? I think I would be a bit annoyed at that. But I wouldn’t make a huge deal, id just mention to SIL that you’d appreciate a heads up if it happened again just for your own peace of mind.

Rachelover40 · 17/07/2019 02:15

It's really not that much of a big deal. I remember my son doing the same at that age and he doesn't drink often now. Far better he did it with his aunts than with a group of lads who wouldn't know when to stop.

kamelo · 17/07/2019 02:18

@beckywiththecraphair I don't mean to depress you but get used to the worry as it only increases.
I worried my youngest used to spend what I considered too much time on his game console, he should get out more with his mates. Now he's just become an adult and hardly ever home and every knock at the door terrifies me.

Peakypolly · 17/07/2019 02:26

I suppose when it's my own son I still think he's a young child
He isn’t...

MrMeSeeks · 17/07/2019 03:00

I’d be ok with this. He was with a trustworthy family member, he wasn’t and he drunk.
Ofcourse they should have run it past you first.

TwistyTop · 17/07/2019 03:11

At 15 I really couldn't care less about this. Sounds like a perfectly normal thing to do. It was only 2 bottles of cider. I'm surprised he even mentioned it because it sounds like a total non issue to me.

Then again, I know every family has different rules. If your sister knew that you were very strictly against him drinking alcohol, even in such small quantities, then she shouldn't have done this, and you have every right to be annoyed at her.

NoSauce · 17/07/2019 03:47

2 bottles of cider while out with his aunts?
He could be getting up to SO much worse, OP.

ShastaBeast · 17/07/2019 03:58

I drank at home with my family as a younger teen. I’d allow the same for my kids - wine with a meal or occasional bottle of beer. It’s legal at a certain age if with food when dining out and definitely at home. I also drank with friends at 14 and still got smashed at uni and beyond. Although I rarely drink now.

It’s more an issue about not asking you first when clearly you are both unhappy about it. But he was safe and looked after so a nice way to have his first drink out. Isn’t worth the upset to kick up a fuss? It depends on the relationship your DH has with his sisters.

Coyoacan · 17/07/2019 04:04

I don't agree with giving alcohol to fifteen year olds, but I think your best bet is to talk to him about why it is not a good idea to drink at his age.

There are studies that say that people who start drinking underage are more likely to become alcohols, for example.

But leave the decision to him, as he is getting to an age where he has to start looking out for himself.

snitzelvoncrumb · 17/07/2019 04:39

I wouldn't make a big deal, if sil had just given him half a drink I would understand, but two isn't ok. I wouldn't leave my kids with her again that's just irresponsible.

ColaFreezePop · 17/07/2019 04:43

I wonder who completes those studies.

I'm an aunt who did similar to a couple of my nephews. Now in their 20s they hardly drink at all. Once discussing this in a place I worked everyone who was related to young adults who first drank out with family members in their mid-teens and were only offered alcohol on occasion when with family members, found they hardly drank. This is because they were in households were drinking alcohol is an occasional thing to do.

I spoke to my nephews about why they hardly drink. They see no point in it plus they were and are still horrified by people getting extremely drunk.

I would leave it. Only bring it up if he drinks with them next time and it isn't a special occasion.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/07/2019 05:14

I think you’re completely overreacting. He was out with his aunts, not alone. By 16, I got drunk every weekend and used alcohol to literally drown my sorrows. I actually needed therapy and antidepressants but had no idea at the time there were either of these. I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone. What you’re talking about is very different - a couple of drinks in public with the safety of his aunts.

NoCauseRebel · 17/07/2019 05:14

IMO it’s not the alcohol it’s the principle. The fact is that many parents don’t want their children drinking at fifteen and that’s their prerogative. Or they’d rather know what they were drinking etc iyswim.

I had similar issue with an aunt last year when we went to her house. Her then fifteen year old GS I allowed alcohol regularly, mine and my sister’s kids, while not restricted are not routinely given it. But this family member offered the kids a cider as a starting point and that is what is wrong. She should have checked first whether that was ok with parents. The kids actually declined but I wasn’t impressed that it was offered to them as an automatic choice iyswim. I probably wouldn’t have said no if she (or ds) had asked, but one adult should not be assuming these things about another adult’s child. That’s not being controlling it’s being sensible.

Me and ds have an understanding. Afaik he doesn’t currently drink, but it’s understood between us that if he does go out and has been drinking, he tell me when he gets home. Not because I want to have a go about it, but because if he’s ill from it then I know why. Iyswim.

surlycurly · 17/07/2019 05:25

I agree she should have asked. But I don't think it's the end of the world for him to have had the drinks. My 15 yr old had two drinks last night as we're on holiday. I'm hoping she'll have some of the hype taken out of alcohol if she has it when she is with me rather than necking half bottles of vodka in the park like I did at 15!