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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aunty gave son Alcohol

63 replies

beckywiththecraphair · 17/07/2019 01:27

15 year old DS, very close to his 2 Aunts (DHs sisters) - one is in her thirties, the other in her forties.
He stayed at one of theirs at the weekend and they all went to a local small town festival with loads of bands playing. They went to a bar afterwards to hear another live band. One of his Aunts knew the bouncer so he was let in.
The younger Aunt bought him two bottles of cider. HE IS FIFTEEN.
He rang me the next day and told me. He said he wasn't drunk but did enjoy the taste of it and asked if he would be allowed drink it again. I told him yes absolutely when he was 17 or 18.
I didn't make a big issue out of it because we live in a quite "rough" area where gangs of young teenagers are frequently out drinking on the green (my DS does not go with them or know them) and he felt like he was the big man for being in a bar after hours and tasting alcohol.

AIBU to want to wring my SIL's neck for giving him alcohol without my consent? I'm glad he told me straight away and I'm glad he was with an adult when he had alcohol for the first time but I really don't know how to approach this one.

He gets on well with both of his Aunts and I don't want to put him in a position where he feels like he has "snitched".
Equally I think it's fucking downright irresponsible to give a 15 year old alcohol.
Equally still, I think I'd rather this than him necking a bottle of Devil's Bit down the Green with some local lads.
I did say it to DH and he was livid.
DS does not have access to alcohol at SIL house and enjoys his visits with her. If I were to make a big song and dance about this I feel that I would have to put a stop to those visits and therefore DS would be the one missing out. The festival was a one-off and usually he would not go out when staying there. He will not be staying there again until the next school holiday which will be Halloween.

She is a good natured person who means no harm but also a melodramatic drama-loving person who will absolutely 100% turn this into a massive family drama and make DS feel like he has done something wrong by ratting him out.

I don't want to punish him for telling the truth and coming to me straight away but equally I feel like I can't let her away with this. How do I word it? Or do I say nothing and just wait until the next time he's due to stay over and say "I want to make it clear that this time there's to be no alcohol, he's underage"?

(I start work at 3am so if I vanish that's why)

OP posts:

surlycurly · 17/07/2019 05:29

Oh and my father was an alcoholic so I'm very careful about how alcohol is used and abused in my life now... I still think safe exposure is better than an arbitrary ban until 18 at home; it is why we have a binge drinking issue in our country in my opinion. Countries where alcohol is not mystified and over hyped have much lower alcohol abuse rates.

Shoxfordian · 17/07/2019 05:36

She should have asked but it was only a couple of ciders. Sounds like no harm was done. Introducing him to alcohol slowly with adults around will probably mean he's more responsible with it in future.

Skittlesandbeer · 17/07/2019 05:51

If you do address it with the aunties, you can get him off the hook by saying he told you about it in an excited positive way (like he was happy and proud) and not a snitch way. And that him normalising it in that way is part of why you wanted to have a word. If she still blames him, she’s just immature and projecting. I’d be a little at him spending lots of time with someone like that.

Then cut to the chase and make it clear that in the future he’s not to be bought alcohol. There’s probably not much point in trying to get an apology or understanding out of her, but I think it’s fair to lay future ground rules on the basis of your overall parenting strategy and his age.

You can certainly add that one of the many benefits of these visits is that it encourages behaviour other than drinking, which is a real problem in your neighbourhood.

If she/they still kick off, ignore any family gossip. Just shut it down, and say it was a private matter that’s been resolved.

Jayaywhynot · 17/07/2019 05:56

I wouldn't sweat it over 2 bottles of cider but in an ideal world the aunt should have asked you first. She was probably treating him as a young adult and hes enjoyed himself, she clearly loves him, he was supervised and wasn't drunk. I'd let it go, it's not worth WW3 over 2 ciders and he clearly trusts you as hes been honest about it, so I wouldn't break that trust by saying anything to aunt. At 15 a lot of kids drink unsupervised and that would be worse. Next family gathering/bbq etc if he wants a cider I'd let him, hes cleary growing up, is sensible and trust worthy. Our teenagers were allowed the odd beer/cider not the hard stuff under supervision. Sounds like you're raising a good young man

GPatz · 17/07/2019 05:59

The problem to me is not the alcohol, it's the fact that the Aunt didn't run it past you.

VivienneHolt · 17/07/2019 06:03

I don’t think 2 bottles of cider is crazy for a 15yo in the company of adults looking after him, but I do think that it should be your choice, so the SIL was wrong to do it without checking with you first.

I think you’ve dealt with this well with your son. I wouldn’t go mad at your SIL because it was a misjudgment when she was doing something nice. Just tell her you think he’s still too young for alcohol and that you don’t want him drinking when he’s out with them yet.

KatherineJaneway · 17/07/2019 06:09

I don't think at 15 it is that unusual to have a small amount of alcohol at an event like a festival. He was safe and being well looked after, he wasn't drunk. I'd rather he be exposed to alcohol like his aunts did rather than it be expressly forbidden and he goes in search of it and ends up drinking in the park with his mates.

saraclara · 17/07/2019 06:18

Not unusual at all. I drank small amounts at that age (my parents were wine buffs) but outside of what I drank with family, I didn't drink at all! I was the lightest drinker at uni. So I agree with those who say it's probably a good thing rather than a bad thing that he had some cider with family at a specific event.

Honestly I wouldn't bring it up with her at all, and I hope your husband won't. It simply isn't worth the drama, and will turn it into your son feeling he's done something to cause trouble. And then you'll have made alcohol a Big Thing.

Wallywobbles · 17/07/2019 06:19

I'm in France. This would not worry anyone I know. Dd 14 has tasted a fair few things. Got a bit tiddly on cava with me in Spain. Her Dad is an alcoholic and she wanted to know what kind of drunk she is. She wanted to do it safely with me. It was fun!!

So in my view that was perfect way for your son to try alcohol.

Namechangedonceagain · 17/07/2019 08:42

I think you're REALLY overreacting. He's 15! You're lucky it was two small bottles with an aunt and not a litre of frosty jack's with the other kids on the green (if my memory of being 15 is anything to go by )

SarahGod19 · 17/07/2019 08:45

I agree with other posters... he is 15. I know at 15 I had tried alcohol on more than one occasion. It won’t be soon until he is invited to parties and then that’s when you can be worried. Would you rather it’s with family or out with people who would laugh if something happened.

Wasrelaxing · 17/07/2019 08:51

Is the issue that he had alcohol or is it that you trusted the Aunt with your son and feel that, because she allowed something that you would not have done, the trust is broken?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 17/07/2019 08:52

I would be annoyed. Not because a 15 year old had a bit of alcohol. But because when teens start drinking is a decision for parents to make, not extended family. She should have checked with you. I'd definitely say something but wouldn't make a big issue. Just letting her know he isn't yet allowed to drink at home so could she check with you next time

Thesearmsofmine · 17/07/2019 08:55

Jeez when I opened the post I thought you would be talking about a 7 year old or something!

At 15 and with adults I wouldn’t be concerned.

ChiefOfStaph · 17/07/2019 08:57

It sounds as though your son has a sensible head on his shoulders. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and just let it go. He may feel apprehensive about coming to you in the future because of how you might react. Yes, the aunt should have asked you before they went if it would be ok but she didn't and probably didn't think it was a big deal either. It's better that he can try alcohol in a controlled way where he is safe than going behind your back and end up passed out in a field! I was allowed one small drink at family gatherings when I was that age and I think that alcohol was never a something I wanted to rebel with and binge on because I was given it. When I turned 18 the novelty of drinking alcohol wasn't there. You see the same in young children at parties that are deprived of sweets and chocolate they start going wild and binging!

GrabbyGertie · 17/07/2019 09:04

I think at 15 he should be responsible for what he drank. His Aunt just offered a drink (which she shouldn't have done) but he didn't have to agree.

It's a million times more effective if you can get your kids to police themselves than to rely on others.
I let the Aunt know that you don't want him drinking alcohol yet but I wouldn't be cross about it.

AngelicInnocent · 17/07/2019 09:08

From what I've seen, teens drinking habits have less to do with whether they tasted it before 18 and more to do with how their parents drink.

Those who have parents who drink occasionally and allow them to try it, seem to follow that pattern, those who drink a lot seem to have dc who drink a lot, whether they tried it young or not.

Just what I've seen with my dc friends.

Whatisinaname1 · 17/07/2019 16:02

She should have spoken to you first but you're overreacting about 2 bottles when he's with a family member.

I would 100% talk about it more with DH,why are you both so angry...his age? Her not asking? You wanted to introduce him to it? Etc

Then to her. Personally I'd let it go after you clarify this was a special occasion, a one off or irregular thing, not frequent and that next time to check with you first but that's up to you and DH. The less you make alcohol something to crave, by denying a single sip, the better. The culture here is largely binge drinking, mainly due to it being exciting and a sign of being an adult to a kid, that needs avoiding.

Greyhound22 · 17/07/2019 16:14

I couldn't get worked up about a couple of ciders at 15 with his aunties to be honest.

But I'm Mediterranean and we drink differently. The waiting till 18 and then going wild doesn't sit well with me.

Monday55 · 17/07/2019 16:16

At 15 your son is capable of saying 'No, thanks, I'll take a juice please etc', especially after trying the 1st bottle if he genuinely didnt like it. This is a non-issue.

Pinkgin22 · 17/07/2019 16:17

Isn’t it legal for 16 year olds to have alcohol with food?
It’s also legal for 5-16 year olds to drink at home I believe (wtf on that one though)
I do think you are over reacting a tad op.

Topseyt · 17/07/2019 16:22

He was safe, he was with family members and he wasn't drunk. It was just two small bottles of cider.

I wouldn't get too het up about it, but would say that it is fine occasionally, just not as a regular thing.

My three have all had the odd couple of drinks like this. My only rule is that whilst they are under 18 I will not buy it for them in bars and pubs. I don't consider it right to try and sneak alcoholic drinks for underage teenagers past the landlord. Surely it would breach the terms of their licence?

At home (occasionally) and at friends' houses DD3 has the odd drink. She is 16.

Bookworm4 · 17/07/2019 16:24

Better a couple of ciders with his aunts than lying in a park mad with it on MD, calm yourself.

stucknoue · 17/07/2019 16:26

At 15, that's fine, most of his friends will be drinking in far less controlled environments.

AguerosAngel · 17/07/2019 16:42

I really couldn’t (and wouldn’t) get my knickers in a twist about this.

He had two bottles of cider in a bar with his auntie, not got smashed off his tits on six litres of White Lightning in the local park!

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