Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

any red flags here?

65 replies

valkyrie18 · 16/07/2019 23:24

Dear Mumsnet community
I live with my boyfriend. Up until about 3 months ago there was non stop talk about our future, marriage, and kids. He mentioned several times that we would get engaged this year. Took me to look at rings back in January. We agreed to try start a family in 2020. But now, for the past 3 months, I have been told he is "evaluating the situation", he doesn't want to jump into anything anymore, he needs more time to see how things go. End of May he said he thought we should break up, but when he came home the same day after work, he said it was exhaustion talking. He keeps saying there have been too many arguments. The arguments he is referring to are instances in which I brought up a few things he had promised me we would do together, but never happened. As an example, I moved cities to be with him, and kept my job in the previous city I lived in, which means I now commute 2 to 3 hours each morning and evening. The agreement before I moved up was that he would find a day time weekend friendly job, but he ended up accepting an offer for a job which involved him working most evenings and most weekends, which means I moved to a city where I have no friends or family and spend a huge amount of time alone. When I brought this up, he would never say anything and let me get upset and ignore me. The other topic is drag. Back in October he told me repeatedly that it's not a serious hobby and doesn't have a place in our life together so he got rid of some stuff. In January this year he changed his tune and started saying he wants to go on nights out etc. Last month, he said he wouldn't buy any more drag outfits or accessories. Today he told me he received a new pair of shoes he ordered not long ago...
So I'm essentially told one thing, and the result is totally different. I have mentioned how I feel about this to him but he says there's nothing he can do, and that I should be more accepting.
The latest topic causing me a lot of upset is the lack of physical intimacy. He is always "exhausted", "shattered", has no energy and isn't feeling sexual. He has told me I am the only girlfriend he has felt this way with, which really hurt my feelings.
Obviously there are more details to the situation which I am happy to share. I would love to hear your advice, thoughts, and suggestions on this situation. I am struggling to know what to do next. Does this person even love me like they say they do? It is all very confusing to me.
Thank you

OP posts:
Likeazombi · 16/07/2019 23:27

Go home.
This man will never make you happy.

thetimekeeper · 16/07/2019 23:50

Actions speak louder than words, as they say.

Missangrypants · 16/07/2019 23:56

Agree with others. You are not happy, so it's time to leave and spend time thinking what's best for you. Don't spend time on someone that makes you feel miserable so often.

Sadie789 · 17/07/2019 00:03

Call me “not cool” or whatever but the drag thing would be an instant red flag for me. He will always put that first, even if you don’t know about it.

You’re commuting three hours to work and yet you don’t see him because he works nights and weekends... no sex ... told you he wants to brake up then takes it back... is being vague about the future...

Sounds utterly miserable. Pack up and go home and don’t waste a second longer on this “man”.

BinkyBaa · 17/07/2019 00:03

Honestly the uncertainty and the drag seem like red flags to me. Its possible for a transvestite to be straight or a transgender woman to be a lesbian, but actual performative drag is quite heavily dominated by gay men. You wouldn't be the first woman to have a partner realise he's gay after all. Are you certain the relationship issues aren't indicative of a personal identity crisis?

Pantsomime · 17/07/2019 00:06

No future with this one sorry- cut your losses and bail ASAP

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 00:08

Run for your fucking life. You really don't see you need to get away from this madness?

Pinkgin22 · 17/07/2019 00:08

Sounds like he wants to break up OP.

HollowTalk · 17/07/2019 00:10

Oh ff s pack your bags and leave him to it

Babdoc · 17/07/2019 00:12

What more does this chap have to do before you see sense and dump him? He’s not meeting any of your needs, is he.
He sounds like he checked out of the relationship long ago, and is just hoping his crap behaviour will prompt you to be the one who does the dumping, so he won’t feel bad.
Honestly OP, move back to your home city, where you have friends and a social life, save yourself the commute and the unhappiness of being with this chap, and look for a better partner who will actually care about you and want to spend time with you. Like some PPs, I also think he may be discovering that he’s gay, and isn’t brave or honest enough to tell you.

KC225 · 17/07/2019 00:18

Agree with the above poster, whatever he promised in January he doesn't feel now. He has checked out and is waiting for you to break up with him. Do it as soon as possible, start your new life tomorrow.

PrettyTricky · 17/07/2019 00:27

More red flags than a communist rally!!

What more can he do to tell you he's just not that into you anymore?

You're on a hiding to nothing and I'd highly advise you run for the hills immediately.

It's shit that you moved for this man when he was promising you a future, but he was clearly a future faker and when push comes to shove, and now doesn't want the things he said he wanted. Crap for you given what you've sacrificed.

Sounds like he's more into a different lifestyle which doesn't include you. Also, the lack of sex and his lack of attraction makes me wonder whether he's questioning his sexuality generally.

I'd get out while the going is good and be thankful this didn't happen after you were married and had kids together.

Original poster
valkyrie18 · 17/07/2019 00:29

I addressed the topic today. His father passed away of cancer within 2 months earlier this year (May) and never approved of the drag stuff. I asked him today if he felt different about life and our future now his father isn't around, and he said no. He said he feels free but not gay.

OP posts:
Original poster
valkyrie18 · 17/07/2019 00:31

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Again this evening I addressed this with him. I asked him whether the lack of intimacy was due to his lack of attraction to me and he denied it! He kept repeating he is exhausted and has been found up lately. It is very confusing isn't it.

OP posts:
GrimDamnFanjo · 17/07/2019 00:59

This doesn't sound a positive relationship.
Are there any good bits?
Get your life back as this doesn't seem to be very happy.

Original poster
valkyrie18 · 17/07/2019 01:07

The good bits used to be spending time going out together, talking about marriage. We even discussed what type of wedding in detail, and what baby names... He told me to keep two weeks annual leave this year for us to go on holiday but now he's postponed that to maybe next year

OP posts:
justjuggling · 17/07/2019 01:07

Run run run, as fast as your legs can carry you. Go home to where you have friends, family and a job, and where you can rebuild your life and be happy. X

Original poster
valkyrie18 · 17/07/2019 01:12

Thank you for sharing your thoughts x
I've never felt this crap and heart broken only entire life... I really gave this one all I had to give x

OP posts:
Leeds2 · 17/07/2019 01:23

Get rid of him, and move back to the city where you are working. You will both find that this is the best thing.

Original poster
valkyrie18 · 22/07/2019 02:26

Update...
After behaving as if I were a stranger for the past week since I initially posted and after ignoring me all day today, he said he thinks we should break up. He has blocked me on all social media. I messaged the mother to let her know how her son has been with me and she wrote:
"Maybe he feels like you’re questioning him all the time, which to him is still confronting him, like an argument, I don’t know, I’m just surmising.
I’m afraid he can’t stop it (the drag), it’s part of him...maybe he thought you were changing how you felt about it and he was saying what he thought you wanted to hear"

OP posts:
Greeborising · 22/07/2019 02:39

Oh my.
So many 🚩 here
Be strong op and whatever anyone is saying, he’s queer.
No T no shade

Happynow001 · 22/07/2019 02:48

Wow! Well here you are OP - time to completely let go and leave him to whatever he's going through.

I'm sorry this is happening in your life. Thank goodness you kept your job going even though the commute was hard.

Do you have somewhere to stay at least temporarily in your original area whilst you look for longer term accommodation?

Sorry to say this but the lack of physical intimacy may be a blessing in disguise, as being PG would just add more complications into your life now. 🌹

Purpleartichoke · 22/07/2019 02:49

It should be easy at this stage. It’s not and he has broken up with you. Thank your lucky stars and move closer to work.

VivienneHolt · 22/07/2019 06:15

You’re better off without him OP - it sounds like he was mentally checked out of the relationship for a long time before now. It also sounds like the only thing you really had in common was talking about getting married, and that’s no basis for a long life together.

Move back to your friends and family and start anew - there is someone out there who is so much more suited to you, I promise.

AlwaysCheddar · 22/07/2019 07:48

Break up with him fgs! The relationship is rubbish on so many levels. Don’t waste your life with him.