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AIBU?

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Original poster

any red flags here?

65 replies

valkyrie18 · 16/07/2019 23:24

Dear Mumsnet community
I live with my boyfriend. Up until about 3 months ago there was non stop talk about our future, marriage, and kids. He mentioned several times that we would get engaged this year. Took me to look at rings back in January. We agreed to try start a family in 2020. But now, for the past 3 months, I have been told he is "evaluating the situation", he doesn't want to jump into anything anymore, he needs more time to see how things go. End of May he said he thought we should break up, but when he came home the same day after work, he said it was exhaustion talking. He keeps saying there have been too many arguments. The arguments he is referring to are instances in which I brought up a few things he had promised me we would do together, but never happened. As an example, I moved cities to be with him, and kept my job in the previous city I lived in, which means I now commute 2 to 3 hours each morning and evening. The agreement before I moved up was that he would find a day time weekend friendly job, but he ended up accepting an offer for a job which involved him working most evenings and most weekends, which means I moved to a city where I have no friends or family and spend a huge amount of time alone. When I brought this up, he would never say anything and let me get upset and ignore me. The other topic is drag. Back in October he told me repeatedly that it's not a serious hobby and doesn't have a place in our life together so he got rid of some stuff. In January this year he changed his tune and started saying he wants to go on nights out etc. Last month, he said he wouldn't buy any more drag outfits or accessories. Today he told me he received a new pair of shoes he ordered not long ago...
So I'm essentially told one thing, and the result is totally different. I have mentioned how I feel about this to him but he says there's nothing he can do, and that I should be more accepting.
The latest topic causing me a lot of upset is the lack of physical intimacy. He is always "exhausted", "shattered", has no energy and isn't feeling sexual. He has told me I am the only girlfriend he has felt this way with, which really hurt my feelings.
Obviously there are more details to the situation which I am happy to share. I would love to hear your advice, thoughts, and suggestions on this situation. I am struggling to know what to do next. Does this person even love me like they say they do? It is all very confusing to me.
Thank you

OP posts:
Senoritaforever · 22/07/2019 08:30

It sounds really awful.

Are you moving out?

Piffle11 · 22/07/2019 08:43

Well I guess the decision has been made for you … but this is actually a good thing, even though it may not seem like it now. This man is not the man for you, he doesn't love you. His DM clearly knows there's a problem, and she knows this relationship isn't working. Clear out now, and be grateful you didn't get married. You have given up so much for him, and he is messing you around: it's all about what he wants, when he wants it. He has belittled you, he makes out every problem is due to you. He doesn't want to make this relationship work, but up to now has been hedging his bets, just in case - stringing you along until he decided what he wanted. You are getting NOTHING positive from this relationship: long commute, no friends, long periods on your own, no sex, a partner who blames you for any problems, who chops and changes his mind about your future together (basically saying it's all his decision and you must go along with whatever he decides) and a future MIL who seems to know more about what's going on than you do. Move out, put yourself first and build yourself a positive future. Good luck x

TixieLix · 22/07/2019 08:57

I'm sorry this is happening to you OP. You sound like a decent person who has lot of love to give, but it sounds as though this particular relationship has run its course and it's time to move on. Your bf has been checking out for a while but seems to be having a hard time finding the guts to break up with you properly. In your shoes I'd be making plans to move back to my home city and hopefully in time you'll meet someone new who values you and who is as interested in your needs as well as his own. Good luck Flowers.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 22/07/2019 09:01

I think maybe he was too lazy/wimpish whatever to do the actual breaking up himself so he did whatever he could to push you away so you'd be the one to do it, then he could play the victim. Unfortunately for him it didn't work so he's had to grow some balls and finally do it himself. You need to pack your stuff and go home and find someone who really does want a future with you Flowers

KC225 · 22/07/2019 09:36

I am sorry this has happened to you OP. You must be feeling very hurt. The blocking on all socia media seems very immature. He may be 'confused' but he has behaved badly.

I second what other posters have said, go back to your friends and family. It may take a bit of organising but in the meantime is there somewhere/someone you can go to that can offer support whilst you get through the shock.

In the not too distant future you will be relieved this happened now and not have to cancel a wedding or divorce. You deserve a grown up without secrets and hidden agendas. Be kind to yourself OP.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 22/07/2019 10:01

Please leave and get on with youe life...

This man has red flags agogo....

It's hell i know.... It's all seemed very serious re talking re marrying and kids...

He MAY have just been trying to kid himself...

You will look back (eventually) and realise what a lucky break you had

Pineapplefish · 22/07/2019 10:05

Sounds like he has done you a favour OP. Don't worry about his mum's message - obviously she's going to be on his side.

LadyGrey1013 · 22/07/2019 10:43

Red flags ahoy on this one. It sounds as though he's keeping you around as an option - stringing you along with the promise of marriage and babies, which is incredibly manipulative and mean.
Save yourself further heartache. Pack up and leave. Remove yourself from his list of options.

Smotheroffive · 22/07/2019 10:53

So sorry, but hes done you a favour, and saved you the trouble of more angsting and interpreting.

You will have a much easier day every day now you don't have to spend stupid hours commuting.

Flowers hes been very unfair to you, quite cruel and dishonest, and you should ignore his dms stupid comments, shes just regurgitating his abusive lines of shutting you down, and gaslighting you. Go back home and be with your friends and family.

Lucky escape! This could have been your life!

serenoa · 22/07/2019 10:56

Just go, OP, you don't owe him anything. If there are no complications like a joint bank account or your name on a tenancy agreement, I'd just pack up and leave without saying anything to him, just be gone.

ambereeree · 22/07/2019 10:58

Pack your things and go back home.

Pinktinker · 22/07/2019 10:59

More red flags than a communist rally Grin fucks sake...

Honestly though OP, you’re better off without. He just sounds immature, like he has no idea who he even is or what he wants in life.

PlinkPlink · 22/07/2019 11:09

Oh no, dont message the mother 🙈🙈😂😂 she will always take her son's side, no matter what you say...

Cut your losses, my lovely.

He's shown you loud and clear where he is. He's gone from not sure (which is a clear sign, believe me) to blocking you on SM.

Do not beg for his attention. Be graceful and dignified. Go back home where you have friends and family. Get irritated at the fact that he has wasted your time - because he has. Get really annoyed and angry at that fact and focus on that anger to give you the strength to walk away from this with your head held high.

The sad thing is, you had these gut feelings, and he, like so often happens, tried to make it out like you were paranoid, like it wasn't anything, blaming it on other things. A form of gas lighting in a way?

It's sad you put your all into this one. But chin up, head high, wallow for a bit when you get home, go and be around friends and family - the people who love and cherish you for who you are, and eventually you will see how lucky you were to have escaped that one!

KC225 · 24/07/2019 13:39

How are you doing OP? It must be a hellish time for you - hoping you are finding comfort within friends and family.

longwayoff · 24/07/2019 13:54

Oh no. No need to share more, this guy is over. Please help yourself feel better by going home and not looking back. The longer you wait, the worse you'll feel. Please leave. Good luck.

mussolini9 · 24/07/2019 14:00

He wants everything on his own terms, & feels that bullshitting you is completely acceptable.
If you hang on in there for the amazing prize of a marriage certificate with this man, you will be handing him carte blanche to treat you as badly as he wants to, backtrack on any statement & renege on any promise.

There are 2 things on your post which should REALLY worry you:

  1. I have mentioned how I feel about this to him but he says there's nothing he can do, and that I should be more accepting.
    There is plenty he could do. He simply doesn't want to. Meanwhile, in his opinion, you should put up & shut up.

  2. The latest topic causing me a lot of upset is the lack of physical intimacy. He is always "exhausted", "shattered", has no energy and isn't feeling sexual. He has told me I am the only girlfriend he has felt this way with, which really hurt my feelings.
    Ha! He is deliberately belittling you. Whether this is due to erectile dysfunction or otherwise, to tell you that you are the only one is cruel beyond belief. I doubt it's true ... but why would he say such a thing even if it were? BECAUSE HE IS TRYING TO CONTROL YOU!!
    Sorry to shout but please, please, please see the light OP. He's just not that into you anymore & is continually testing you to see how much arsey behaviour you will tolerate.

Can you imagine the satisfaction you will feel by being the one to end this charade? The relief of not having to wonder if you are attractive, worth marrying, even worth not being lied to?
Walk away. This man is grinding you down, & you deserve to be happy - you are never going to be happy with a twat who treats you like this.

Lumene · 24/07/2019 14:02

There will be someone out there who is perfect for you and will return your love. This man is clearly not that person. Time to leave and get on with the rest of your life.

FiddlesticksAkimbo · 24/07/2019 14:03

Just wanted to say: how horrible for you. It sounds like you had really put your all into this, and you must feel badly let down by him.

Hope you're OK Flowers

Bezalelle · 24/07/2019 14:13

Its possible for a transvestite to be a lesbian

It's not.

longwayoff · 24/07/2019 14:54

@Bezalelle, really? Is there a different term for a lesbian who dresses as a man? Isn't that transvestism? Or do you mean a make transvestite, dressed as a woman, can't be a lesbian? I'm confused.

TwistyTop · 24/07/2019 15:01

Go back to your own city. Do it tonight. You can arrange to get your stuff over the next few days, whilst looking for somewhere to live.

You've dodged a bullet here!

PooWillyBumBum · 24/07/2019 15:19

Block him right back and move on with your life. You don’t know it yet, but this is such a good thing. You have your whole life ahead of you. Spend a few days or weeks wallowing with ice cream then go out into the world and live your life!

BlueSuffragette · 24/07/2019 15:34

Move back home. He wants different things in life than you. You deserve so much better.

Original poster
valkyrie18 · 24/07/2019 15:59

Hi everyone, sorry for the slow reply...
Thank you to each one of you for taking the time to share your thoughts, advice and help me regain that clear mind I used to have before all the drama.
Turns out he has been playing mind games since Sunday, as on Monday morning he told me he doesn't want to break up and we can only stay together if I, "ease up" on things and don't want to argue all the time... Ahem. Obviously I said no to that.
I have started packing my belongings and started looking for a flat elsewhere. The estate agent emailed today asking whether we will renew the tenancy on 1st of October. I replied saying that I won't. I hope this works out as we are both on the tenancy agreement. I asked him to come to the bank with me today to close the joint bank account and he started saying he doesn't want to end things and doesn't want to lose me etc. so I will go to the bank tomorrow and ask them to take me off the account. I hope this will be possible...?
Last but not least: he walked out of the house (finally) today, with his PC and keyboard, make up bag and box of shoes (!) and that's about it. I hope he isn't expecting to come back as I will not let him back into the house. I've taped my keys to the front door lock.
This is ridiculous really... He seems very confused. Last night he told me he wants to be single again etc. and later on the same evening took it all back. He even said that telling me we should break up last Sunday was a way of "shocking" me to make me react so that I would realise I might lose him and he was hoping I would CHANGE to make things better!
Thoughts?...

OP posts:
FiddlesticksAkimbo · 24/07/2019 16:17

Thoughts?...

Practically, you're doing the right things. You'll be liable for the rent until October and for any damage to the flat. You could also be liable if he overstays I think. Might he do that? Check. I'm fairly sure that the bank will let you take your name off the joint account ("sever" it is I think the legal jargon) without him needing to be involved in that.

As for the relationship, i'm not sure that the fresh information makes any difference. It really does sound like it is over. I feel rather sorry for him also. He is clearly going through a time of emotional turmoil. With other parts of his life in a state of flux he may be inclined to cling to you as a point of stability. But this almost certainly is not the best thing for you and at this point you need to act in your own best interests and return to your home city.