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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The life of a single parent with no support.

75 replies

Snoozerboozer10 · 16/07/2019 16:35

Wake up
Get kids ready
Drop them at pre school club
Commute to work (dull job but needs must)
Pick up from after school club
Cook tea
Get them ready for bed
Tidy house/get stuff ready for next day
Watch TV for an hour or so
Go to bed.

Rinse and repeat for 5 days then more of the same at the weekends but with parks etc as my ExH has long since disappeared and so I have the kids every day and every night with no support. Money is very tight so difficult to keep them entertained.

No dating as not practical and no free days/nights. And who would want to date someone with no spare time anyway?

How do people in this situation manage to find something in life breaks the monotony.

Anyone else in this boat?

It’s so tough day after day, night after night.

OP posts:

Mia1415 · 16/07/2019 16:38

I'm in exactly the same position. Plus I look after my disabled DM.

WhatTheAbsoluteFuck · 16/07/2019 16:38

OP I was, for a very long time. It was fucking soul destroying and mind numbingly boring.

IdaBWells · 16/07/2019 16:39

Do you have any friends who are also single parents? Could you get together to socialize with the kids? Also take turns watching the kids so each one could have a free evening each week/twice a month to get back in the dating pool?

BanginChoons · 16/07/2019 16:40

This is my life too. Only I decided to drive myself further into insanity by adding studying into the mix. I survive by booking an annual holiday and counting down the days.

SmartPlay · 16/07/2019 17:14

I'm in the same situation ... but I currently don't work, because I'm on maternity leave.
I'm quite fine with it, because I'm rather a loner anyway ;) Though without work I do need to meet other people sometimes, so I'm meeting up with other single parents occasionally. With small kids that's easy - at least if you live in a city, where you have options.

Luckily it's quite okay moneywise - I don't earn much, but I never have, so I'm used to it ;) And I am lucky to have found a flat with very cheap rent. I don't even have to work full-time, so that's nice.

I'd have liked to have a bit more support, though. Also for the sake of my kids, to have someone else in their lives. It's fine with my daughter, who has a good relationship with my siblings (and also my mother, with whom I don't have any contact anymore), but my toddler doesn't see them often and that's a pity.

isitwhatitis · 16/07/2019 17:15

It's much the same for many parents with a partner as not all are home for bedtime stories.

Lottie601 · 16/07/2019 17:18

itiswhatitis- it can be but I think those with a partner usually still get some time to themselves or can at least sound off with someone and maybe have a bit more cash to treat themselves. It’s tough and exhausting. Difficult to change too. Men who fuck off and leave their kids are complete wankers.

finnmcool · 16/07/2019 17:20

isitwhatitis that's very different and quite dismissive of the reality of single parents.
My strong friendships saved my sanity and were so helpful when I was ill.

formerbabe · 16/07/2019 17:23

It's much the same for many parents with a partner as not all are home for bedtime stories

It's not the same. I'm not a single parent...however, I'm a sahm and do pretty much everything for the kids and never go out. Difference is, my oh comes home, even if it's late, and I can have an adult conversation and someone to sound off to.

He went away a while ago for a week and I was bored out of my skull once the kids were in bed. It must be very hard to deal with every single day.

for you op. It won't be like this forever.

Ivy40 · 16/07/2019 17:23

Have you tried Meetup? They have all sorts of things.

There maybe some groups that are specifically for single parents and organise outings that you can take your kids on (whilst having some adult conversations!).

Magellan50 · 16/07/2019 17:26

I'm a single parent of six, however I do have some help from my family. I didn't see my parents for years when I was with my abusive ex partner so there's an element of making up for lost time, though there's only so much they can do.
However it can be so lonely, especially once DC are in bed.

urbanlife · 16/07/2019 17:28

Save up for however long it takes, and get a babysitter for a few hours on Saturday afternoon or evening and go out and do whatever you please.

It would make a huge difference just a few hours of your own.

urbanlife · 16/07/2019 17:30

Twice a week get them into bed early, do the quickest tea ever and then sit down and do something you love. Reading, a film, writing, a long bath.

You need to build in some time for you

LaurieMarlow · 16/07/2019 17:31

it's much the same for many parents with a partner

It really isn’t and I think it’s offensive to suggest so.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 16/07/2019 17:35

I'm also a single parent of 6 with no family support.

I have friends over for drinks a couple of times a month, I draw, chat online to people, read, learn (sign language at the minute) have midnight feasts with my dc, do lip sync battles and do little gameshows and parties. It can be dull and monotonous at points and that's when I try and plan something fun and cheap for us to do.

anothermansmother · 16/07/2019 17:37

It's soul destroying the years when they're 4-10 are the worst as they need a bedtime routine and you can't even go out and meet friends because you risk children having a meltdown and losing your shit in public I tend to meet more people now mine are older and I okay taxi service for the millions of activities they do outside of school. But friends have been my saviour. Especially the childless one who will come to mine so I can have a grown up conversation and am able to cook. Plus when it's gotten too much or when I'm ill they're here.
It does get better as they get older, my ds is now 12 and I've been on my own with him and his sister since he was 2. I also found my church were a great help and I met lots of people there too. Find a group gym class something even if it's just once a fortnight/month get a sitter and get out, it does wonders for you.

urbanlife · 16/07/2019 17:41

I am not a sp, and I am not in any way comparing my life to yours. However I have a dh who works away a great deal.

The sheer effort of doing the same thing every single day, day in and day out can kill anyone's soul and energy.

Things we do to try and make things more fun:

Friday night discos with kids, started with just us and now evolved to include others
Invite friends over for dinner - everyone brings one dish and a bottle of something. You simply provide the sleepover
Mummy and kiddie sleepover, so fun if you have close friends
Camping nights in the garden with BBQ and roasting marshmallows
Wine tasting nights, everyone brings a bottle and try a glass of each one.
BBQs with friends
Picnics
Film afternoon
All day PJ party on Sunday with you staying in bed, and dc have to be your 'staff'

Rota the kids to help at home, they are never to young to start.

Escape for an hour or two every week, set up a swap with a friend or hire the local teen.

BitchQueen90 · 16/07/2019 17:41

itiswhatitis of course it's not the bloody same at all. Ridiculous to suggest it is. Even if you have a partner who works long hours you still have someone else to talk to, someone to talk to at the end of the day, someone to help out at weekends, someone else to share the financial responsibility, someone to make parenting decisions with.

I'm a single parent but I have support from my family and DS's dad. I have it a lot easier than someone with no support at all.

FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo · 16/07/2019 17:42

Been there and came out the other side you will too

I retrained/studied which helped massively. Inviting friends round for wine nights can be useful, it was the wk ends I could find very lonely.

Original poster

Snoozerboozer10 · 16/07/2019 17:42

Thanks everyone. I’m just having a bad week. It’s just so hard at times and
Lonely. My kids are 4 and 7 so still very much in the hard work stage.

I am friends with some of the mums at school but most are married and I tend to get omitted when they have couples get togethers etc at the weekends. Sometimes I feel invisible to everyone but my kids.

OP posts:

callmeadoctor · 16/07/2019 17:47

The xh may not be there, but are his parents? Do you have your own parents around at all? To be fair I do agree that a lot of women (or men) have the same that do have partners (army, work away etc). That is what you have to expect to a certain degree when you have children. Your life isn't your own for a few years. Its good that you can get out of the house with a job though.

urbanlife · 16/07/2019 17:48

I can imagine that must be hard if your friends are seeing each other, and not inviting you.

More girls nights!!!!!

Every other Friday at yours for cocktails or drinks. They can come and relax and be away from their oh for a while without a babysitter. I love girls nights the most.

I feel invisible sometimes too, I don't think that is a SP thing, many mothers feel like it.

Hard week calls for you to start paying attention to your own needs. Dc in bed at 6.30pm tonight - they can work on their ideas for story writing or the summer holidays. Now, what are you going to do for you this evening?

Cotswoldmama · 16/07/2019 17:48

Gosh that's sounds draining. I like the suggestion someone made of having friends over. Then you don't have to worry about a babysitter. See if you can get a few friends over for a girls night in.
Have you got no family nearby or someone you could trust to babysit? Even if it was one night a month it would be s start and something to look forward to x

SmartPlay · 16/07/2019 17:52

@isitwhatitis
I am quite happy with my life as a single mum and at least with my second child actively chose it that way. I don't find it particularly hard either, so I certainly do not complain about being a single parent.
BUT: Comments like yours (and I often hear things like "Oh, my partner works a lot, I'm basically a single mum!" or "I'll be a single mum for a week, because my partner is on a business trip.") really piss me off. If you are a single parent, you do EVERYTHING by yourself and you do that ALL THE TIME. The actual caring for the kids, the worries, the decisions and the money. The extra income alone is what makes a HUGE difference.

urbanlife · 16/07/2019 17:52

I do understand you are probably too tired to arrange very much, I know the feeling once you get everything done of flaking out on the sofa, but force yourself to do it even just a few times a month. It will give you a shot in the arm.

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