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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The life of a single parent with no support.

75 replies

Snoozerboozer10 · 16/07/2019 16:35

Wake up
Get kids ready
Drop them at pre school club
Commute to work (dull job but needs must)
Pick up from after school club
Cook tea
Get them ready for bed
Tidy house/get stuff ready for next day
Watch TV for an hour or so
Go to bed.

Rinse and repeat for 5 days then more of the same at the weekends but with parks etc as my ExH has long since disappeared and so I have the kids every day and every night with no support. Money is very tight so difficult to keep them entertained.

No dating as not practical and no free days/nights. And who would want to date someone with no spare time anyway?

How do people in this situation manage to find something in life breaks the monotony.

Anyone else in this boat?

It’s so tough day after day, night after night.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 16/07/2019 19:08

It really is offensive for a poster to suggest its much the same with a partner if they arent at home. Bloody clueless.

I was in the same boat. My family are dead and one child has additional needs. Its a long hard slog and thankless task. Hang on in there. It eases as they get older and you can gain some freedom Flowers

OhamIreally · 16/07/2019 19:37

Ha ha your days sound like mine OP! DD is coming up to 10 now though and there's light at the end of the tunnel!

Things I do to alleviate the monotony;

Finish early one day a week and go to the gym whilst DD is at a school club.

Have friends for drinks/dinner

Go to pizza places and use vouchers

Play dates with other kids - you get a break as they entertain each other and they can be reciprocated

Go to museums/art galleries (live in London).

The daily grind can be so boring though- I particularly feel down when I'm locking my front door for the evening at 8:30 on a lovely summer's day like today and can see people heading out whilst I'm stuck in like a nun.

(Oh and my sister used to say she was like a single parent as her DH was always at work. I told her that I do everything she does and earn all the money as well. She doesn't say it anymore)

PearlandRubies194 · 16/07/2019 19:42

Me too @BanginChoons work, study, kids, housework and repeat. Annual Leave gets me up each morning!

Op, this isn’t forever and it will get better. Try and have a walk on your lunch hour, order a book for yourself for bed time or download a film. Lock the door and make it your own space. Xx

Doryhunky · 16/07/2019 19:47

Join the single parent travel club on Facebook. It does days out not just holidays

Mummyshark2018 · 16/07/2019 20:43

I'm not a sp but my dh is away at the minute for 2 weeks with work. However, being a sp is completely different. Thankfully we don't have money worries (were no way loaded), but when dh goes away we can afford to pay for extra dog walks, breakfast/ afterschool clubs/ a babysitter if needed to make up the short fall in an extra pair of hands. We don't have any family local. I know it's only for 2 weeks and then he will be back and always picks up the slack for a few days to give me a break. Sp often don't know when they will next get a break.

Pikapikachooo · 16/07/2019 20:50

It’s not forever Flowers
In the meantime can you explore

Other single parents to babysit swap with
Electronics Blush
A better paid role or work towards so you can do holiday clubs even a few to get a day off

It’s very very hard with no family op . But hopefully you have the confidence to explore other ways to improve it ?

And once secondary school age you can leave them for shorter periods

And that will come faster than you realise

Hang tight Flowers

PookieDo · 16/07/2019 20:55

I don’t date to be honest. It’s another chore on the list!

megletthesecond · 16/07/2019 20:59

You're right. It's utterly monotonous. I can't decide if my memory is shit due to lone parent lack of stimulation or menopause Hmm. I'm basically clinging on.

I've had a decade of it and I'm counting the months (14 months, not years anymore!) until my youngest starts secondary and I might be able to get out a bit more.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 16/07/2019 21:10

I'm counting down to when I can leave DS on his own and actually leave the house one evening...5 years to go...!

I'm worried that there won't be much of me left by then. I've lost my identity as my own person and I'll need to work out what I even enjoy then.

It is relentless and hard on bad days/weeks.

Sorry. My post is rather depressing isn't it.
There are moments of fun and pride too.

FilthyforFirth · 16/07/2019 21:20

Not sure where you are in the country but I know of an app for single parents, almost exclusively single mums, which might be worth looking into? I think its called frolo. They arrange meet ups with kids in tow etc.

ExtraFox19 · 16/07/2019 21:28

I have the same life and as my child has autism I can’t get babysitters either. It’s hard isn’t it.

AllStar14 · 16/07/2019 21:32

I'm a single parent with 3 young dc, no family support. Having a really shitty time so I know how you feel. Relentless, thankless, and soul destroying.

pisspants · 16/07/2019 22:07

I dont know why mums in couples whose partners work away a lot always have to pipe up on these threads it's so annoying! I hear you OP. it's the endless having to do/think/be everything that it so wearing.
There are literally half the man hours available for things to be done. You have to let a lot slide. And then you feel endlessly guilty about that.

purpleme12 · 16/07/2019 22:18

I get it.
It was better when they weren't at school all day it wasn't so monotonous, same routine. Could relax and do more.
I don't have support either. It's the mental bit I find hardest, I can't relax properly like I used to. There was someone to fall back on with certain things before. There's always stuff to do always and because of that I don't feel like I can just relax and if I do sit and watch Tele I almost feel a bit bad cos I should be doing something else. All the boring stuff is down to me, there's no let up

And yes to be honest I can't believe anyone would say it's similar to people who are being in a couple. It's so not

Lifeisabeach09 · 16/07/2019 22:24

For me as a single parent, it's great being so. It's just shit without much or any support.

purpleme12 · 16/07/2019 22:28

Yes.
I would rather be single than with ex!
And I love being with my daughter and I'd be with her any day but what I said still stands lol

Original poster
Snoozerboozer10 · 16/07/2019 22:51

Thanks for your support Flowers

It’s not so much the being single, but like you say, it’s having no support. I was maybe falsely romanticising a happy ever after.

It’s just hard, I know other people have it worse than me but occasionally the daily grind gets you down. My parents passed away a few years ago and I have no siblings so other than my kids and a few friends, I have no one.

I do though have my health, my kids and other things that bring some joy and I am grateful for those.

OP posts:
SimonJT · 17/07/2019 07:32

It’s fairly shit. I have one friend who is a parent and he often travels for work, his wife said she was like me as he is away a lot. She doesn’t work as his job funds their lifestyle, not only that, she also has someone who loves and cares about her. It isn’t comparable at all.

feelingdizzy · 17/07/2019 08:05

I have 15years as a single parent ,kids are now 16and 17 no support financial or or otherwise from their Dad.
It's been tough ,you have to do the job of 2 people and in my case try to undo some if the damage their dad has caused! I had a bit of a challenging childhood and have been so unsure a lot of the time. But the positive side of this is I have had to trust my instincts which has worked out well.Kids seem great
Work has been my saviour I retrained when kids were small, have a challenging and relatively well paid job now .Like a pp said I try to find the joy in little things, try to be kind to myself , to be like my own partner.

I was married to a total dick so was and am still glad he has gone so understand coupledom isn't always wonderful..
But please I wish people would stop saying my dh works away so its like being a single parent, to be like me they need to have worked away since 2004 in a place without any form of communication and have worked for free it's really not the same, perhaps not without its hardships but it's not the same.

Soopermum1 · 17/07/2019 08:14

Single mum here, to a little one and a teenager. The teen sees his Dad for a few hours a week, that's it. No family nearby, work full time. Dad is toxic.

I have a lovely boyfriend who stays at weekends who is an enormous support, when he's here, with the little one. He has to steer clear on the teen as the teen hates him.

The situation has evolved as the teen can babysit while the little one is in bed, and I can go out locally, and lovely boyfriend babysits if I want to go out, but I usually spend that time going out with the teen.

The daily grind is relentless though, 2 sets of schools to keep a track of and I use all my annual leave on appointments and caring for the kids in the holidays. Not much time for me or my relationship. Not much money. Teenagers are also surprisingly hard work, especially when they have emotional problems, and need more time than you think.

FrenchJunebug · 17/07/2019 08:49

that's me too but 1) I do a pilate class at lunchtime 2) once a week I take a babysitter and go to choir. You NEED to make little pocket of space for yourself.

OhamIreally · 17/07/2019 09:09

@feelingdizzy I like your comment about DH needing to have worked away since 2004! I'm going to use that next time someone pulls the "I'm like a single parent" line.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 17/07/2019 09:29

Your day sounds like mine when I raised my grandson alone. No help, no money and an elderly relative to look after on weekends.
We did: Friday night tv movie with microwave popcorn
Saturday doing errands together and getting a taco takeaway (cheap as chips) Also going to library to check out books for bedtime reading.
Sunday to church for his children's group and my women's group and then taking elderly relative for a drive or to a park (weather permitting) where he could play while she and I sat on a bench nearby. Sometimes took the dog with us to a dog park and she got to play too.
Did that for thirteen years until elderly relative passed away and he started playing youth soccer (free through the church).

I never thought about "dating" at my age and most of my friends were retired and traveling or relocating to warmer climes, but I never regretted taking him to raise -- not for a moment.

mananaa · 17/07/2019 09:44

Your dc are similar aged to mine and so maybe play dates could become a possible way for you to exchange babysitting breaks? That could even lead to overnight babysitting playdates possibly? We don't have family around to babysit so have only discovered this possibility recently as the dc are keen to spend time with friends alone.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 17/07/2019 10:00

I’m not a SP, but my friend is. She often uses www.gingerbread.org.uk/ for support. Could this be helpful to you @Snoozerboozer10

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