to ask for help in managing work, home and older DC

[MercedesDeMonteChristo]

I am feeling really stressed at the moment with all the juggling. I work in a broadly stressful support role at a high level which is relentless but have an incredible boss who is understanding of my other commitments and I can largely WFH whenever I need to (but I try to limit to 1 day per week at most). After a bereavement I am now the only child with my parents who are still quite young but having a very hard time and leaning on me a lot and I want to be there for them. Three DC aged between 8-13 who have lots of activities, playdates, meet ups, homework, angst, drama which take time and emotional energy. Not very good at cooking with quite a fussy family - with the DC I just offer toast/cereal if they won't eat but DH will buy pizza or another take away (which he will also buy for them), this happens a lot. I spend an entire day every single weekend washing clothes, i barely do any other housework as there just doesn't seem time. DH does pull his weight, he will always cook on his days off, usually enough for a couple of days and I never have to hoover, sweep or mop as he does this. He also ships kids around a bit as he drives but I have to organise etc.

I am due to start some intense studying later in the year and the agreement had been that I would be able to give up my day job when this happened, but now DH doesn't want me to, but is supportive of less hours. This is pivotal as it is career change and I have been working towards this for 10 years so it is not just for fun and I am being remunerated to do it (so hours working outside of this can only be very limited).

I have never had the inclination to be a SAHP before but I just feel like I am fire-fighting all of the time and the DC need so much more input (or perhaps different input), with all the emotions, stresses, homework.

I earn about £10k more than DH so if I was to give up work to be there more, we could probably survive - but that is it. All the extra activites the DC do would have to go, no holidays, no savings etc. If anyone gave up it would be him, but he would not want to and he doesn't see/understand the level of organisation etc that life takes, even though I involve him and he takes part.

I just don't really see people talking about the stresses and juggling of having older children and I just feel like I am totally failing and something needs to give.

Not quite sure what my AIBU is but please tell me others feel like this sometimes too. And how do you manage it?

Sorry, I don't quite understand what you are asking. You were always planning to give up work and study later this year. So what are you unsure about - whether you should become a SAHM for a few months just until then? Or whether you should ditch the study idea completely and become a long term SAHM?

It seems a shame to ditch the study idea completely if it's something you've been working towards for 10 years.

I know it's a small part of your post but laundry shouldn't be taking a whole day at the weekend. Do less! Or delegate to DH and DC! They are old enough to take charge of some of it.

Can your parents afford to get a little extra help in?

Your DH isn’t doing his fair share, clearly: if he earns less and gets days off during the week he should be doing more than you. You need to sit down with him and lay down the law - if anyone reduces their hours it should be the lower earner with the provisio he takes on the lions share of the housework

It doesnt appear to be a good time to be starting studying.

Id delay it so that i could save some cash so that the kids could carry on with activities and holidays etc

As the largest family earner i dont think you can just quit like that

Can gp get involved a bit more with the kids?

Can the children do chores? I would hire a cleaner and a gardener if you can afford you work hard and don’t need to spend your weekends doing things around the house

If you have spare cash but not spare time i'd get someone in to do the washing, you could advertise for a 1 day a week housekeeper to do the laundry and cleaning.

Or show the kids how to do it for extra pocket money.

Batch cooking is great for us to save time in the evenings. Once a week I do a big 10 portion batch of bolognese/chilli/curry/stew/lasagne etc, and freeze it, so whatever we have in the evenings just needs taking out of the fridge in the morning and then heating up in the evening.

Sorry, in a bid not to drip feed I have rambled.

The study is non-negotiable as far as I am concerned, I have studied along with work, DC etc for the past 10 years without issue but I picked my roles differently as I contracted so could pick and chose roles according to level of engagement to some degree. I now have a role that is very involved that I wasn't looking for but that happened. The study is a PhD so I guess an apprenticeship in my discipline for which I am being funded. The plan had been that once started I would have some control over my own time so would be around etc. Now it looks as though I would be working part time, studying full time whilst juggling everything else.

To be honest, I am less worried about that and more concerned with just how overwhelmed I feel right now with it all, crucially like I am doing the DC a massive disservice.

The thing is Teddy, he doesn't want to reduce hours, he thinks it is all fine. But the kids tend not to moan, grumble, stress, worry, use him as a sounding board. They do sometimes, but largely they see me as the problem solver/helper.

Laundry takes an entire day because there tends to be min 5 loads before even considering bedsheets, towels etc. MN would probably blow up at how often I get to those.

My parents cannot afford help, and their reliance on my is in a technical capacity and emotionally. They are wonderful and so helpful but can be exhausting.

Can you afford a cleaner? If you have money to throw at this with a cleaner, hello fresh meals, laundry sourced out ect would this be more manageable. And reduce DC clubs to one once a week.

I study and work. I'm off for summer but when I'm studying full time and working the DC don't have a lot of playdates and play out with local DC instead, (or catch the bus and sort themselves out). I don't have the headspace for everything and actually me studying and gaining the professional degree that I'm working towards will benefit their life when it's completed and I go up the pay scales in work.

God op I totally hear you about juggling older kids and work. It's much harder than when they are babies.

Could you get an au pair or mother's help or after school nanny ???? Do not give up work just to do housework that is a shit idea.

I do one load of laundry a day - put it in the machine in the evening, set the timer, hang up in the morning before work. It piles up in a massive pile in the utility room during the week and gets put away (each DC does their own) at the weekend.

If my DH was doing little as yours (he’s the lower earner too) I would be withholding my salary. He needs to be making more of an effort with everything - as the higher earner it should not be on you to stress over the everyday to do with housework and kids. That is most definitely your DH’s job - you need to talk to him because I don’t see how your future home life can be teneble otherwise.

GP are very involved, they pick up, cook and look after the children twice a week but this is the time of year that my dad (who cooks) spends away and because they have recently lost my sibling they are less helpful (as expected), but this is an extra emotional task for me. I know that is a crude way to put it.

The DC are to be fair, willing to get involved but I just never seem to get on top of anything.

I do often think we should get a cleaner, but DH doesnt want to and then it is something that I will have to pay for. I may earn more than him but I also pay out for a lot and since I am the one who doesn't want to clean he, I expect, would suggest that I foot that bill.

If I left all my washing to the weekend I’d have 5 loads. I do a load most nights put out to dry put away following night do next load etc

If I had a family your size I’d have a dryer and everything would just go in when the weather was bad, do you?

How long would you be studying for? If it's several years, I'd agree with a previous poster that you shpuld delay it - if your family is used to e certain lifestyle, it's very hard to suddenly have to give up everything that's not absolutely necessary.
I'd postpone it for maybe a year and use the time so safe money and reduce SOME of your usual spendings.

As for the housework: Your children are old enough to help with everything that needs to be done. I also don't understand how you can spend an entire day every week doing laundry - you don't have to sit next to the washing machine.

If your kids are stressed, then giving up some activities will be a good idea - it's not good for children to have a full timetable. They are also old enough to get to activities and friends' houses by themselves, if it's close enough to walk/bike or if public transport is available where you live. At least the oldest one and also the middle one, depending on age, should also be able to do their homework by themselves. At 13 they should take some responsibility for their own life and learning.

Do not give up work just to do housework that is a shit idea.

Now that I have read it that way ....

Is he actually doing little? He is doing far less than me, clearly. But never having to sweep, mop or hoover plus he does cook on his days off is something. Maybe an idea is to get him to batch cook, he enjoys it, is the fussy one and would just be something I don't have to think about at all. One of his days off is a school day so he doesn't even have to break up fights, help with HW, play with etc whilst doing it.

It sounds like your DH has moved the goalposts if he had previously agreed for you to give up work when you start the PhD and is now saying you shouldn't. I think you should tell him that you will carry on working part time on the condition that you pay jointly for a cleaner. It's well worth the money IMO. And surely he would like to see you less stressed? Does he realise how overwhelmed you're feeling?

If he's doing far less than you AND he gets a whole day off in the middle of the week then yes, he's doing too little!

As you earn more, why doesn't he cut his hours and start dealing with all the crap at home? And on his day off (school day) should be tackling washing etc too. Or get a cleaner - you both need it so can pay for it between you.

TBF the DC have 1 activity each but that is 3 potential evenings. I do have a dryer and no real outdoor space. I will get the DC more involved properly and lay down what I need from DH to make things easier. Their stress and emotions are linked more to just normal angsty things - friendships, changing schools etc. In terms of HW 13 year old has been responsible since he was about 6 but sometimes he likes to bounce ideas etc and the other two do still need some support - but perhaps this is a kitchen table whilst the washing is on/whilst cooking scenario.

I cannot postpone the studying, my family are used to me studying, it has never really been any different and arguably PhD is much more flexible than the taught courses I have done to get to this point.

Does your DH work longer hours than you or is there some other reason he does less housework than you?

Outsource your laundry, as it seems to be causing you the most anxiety - there are still launderettes that will do a service wash. Get your family together and devise a two week menu plan - 14 meals that they will eat - or even a weekly plan if they don’t mind repetition.

I can see why the children would lean on you more emotionally, it just seems to be that way when they get older doesn’t it?

I don’t have specific advice, mine are younger but I wonder if the old fashioned idea of making lists and schedules could help to see whether you genuinely can fit all this in over the course of a week. I think this is really hard when you’re feeling over whelmed but can be so helpful

He works slightly longer hours and has far less flexibility than me. He does not arrive home until 8pm but starts later to take the younger (soon to be only the youngest) to breakfast club.

Ok, you need to organise, delegate, drop and outsource.

1. Batch cook or use simply cook for meal planning to reduce the thinking element.
2. Get a cleaner in.
3. You have four other sets of hands in the household. Make a list and give everyone a dedicated job to do. Your DH won't understand how much you are juggling until it's in black and white.
4. 5 loads of washing is one a day. Stick one load on per evening and peg out before bed to dry. Delegate folding away to the kids and your husband - get everyone a basket. My 6 and 3 year old are already doing this, so they can. Ditto the sheets: everyone strips their room on Saturday and is responsible for putting them on the bed again.
5. Value your time. At the moment you are like a cookie jar and everyone just reaches in as they go by for a bite. Give each child 15 dedicated minutes of 1 to 1 time a day. Your DH has to do the same. Schedule it in and protect it. The same applies to your parents - set down dedicated times to meet up or speak to them. Explain you don't want to burn out and this way they get the best of you.
6. Arrange to work from home 2-3 days a week as you need to study too - you said they are supportive. This will erase your commute.
7. Give yourself space. Eat properly, sleep for 8 hours and meditate to avoid stress overwhelming your brain. Give yourself the off, even just for a walk. You need downtime too.
8. If it can be automated or dropped, do it. Set up birthdays to be sent automatically via funkypigeon. Arrange insurance renewal notices with your favourite comparison website. Get your kids to cycle to clubs and pay by Direct Debit, if you don't already. Reduce the playdates to two predictable days per week - the kids still need quiet time after school and the oldest will need the and space for exams and coursework soon as well.

You are not doing your DCs a disservice. You are showing them how to be human, ask for help and always strive to improve yourself.

I usually do a load of washing a day. I put a load in in the morning before I leave the house - 5 min task, take it out and put it in the tumbler when I get home - 5 min task, put it away before bed - 10 min task.

Would this be more manageable than leaving it til the weekend?