to ask for help in managing work, home and older DC

[MercedesDeMonteChristo]

I am feeling really stressed at the moment with all the juggling. I work in a broadly stressful support role at a high level which is relentless but have an incredible boss who is understanding of my other commitments and I can largely WFH whenever I need to (but I try to limit to 1 day per week at most). After a bereavement I am now the only child with my parents who are still quite young but having a very hard time and leaning on me a lot and I want to be there for them. Three DC aged between 8-13 who have lots of activities, playdates, meet ups, homework, angst, drama which take time and emotional energy. Not very good at cooking with quite a fussy family - with the DC I just offer toast/cereal if they won't eat but DH will buy pizza or another take away (which he will also buy for them), this happens a lot. I spend an entire day every single weekend washing clothes, i barely do any other housework as there just doesn't seem time. DH does pull his weight, he will always cook on his days off, usually enough for a couple of days and I never have to hoover, sweep or mop as he does this. He also ships kids around a bit as he drives but I have to organise etc.

I am due to start some intense studying later in the year and the agreement had been that I would be able to give up my day job when this happened, but now DH doesn't want me to, but is supportive of less hours. This is pivotal as it is career change and I have been working towards this for 10 years so it is not just for fun and I am being remunerated to do it (so hours working outside of this can only be very limited).

I have never had the inclination to be a SAHP before but I just feel like I am fire-fighting all of the time and the DC need so much more input (or perhaps different input), with all the emotions, stresses, homework.

I earn about £10k more than DH so if I was to give up work to be there more, we could probably survive - but that is it. All the extra activites the DC do would have to go, no holidays, no savings etc. If anyone gave up it would be him, but he would not want to and he doesn't see/understand the level of organisation etc that life takes, even though I involve him and he takes part.

I just don't really see people talking about the stresses and juggling of having older children and I just feel like I am totally failing and something needs to give.

Not quite sure what my AIBU is but please tell me others feel like this sometimes too. And how do you manage it?

You DH has a choice. Pay jointly for a cleaner or do it on his day off.

BTW, a heated airer will revolutionize your life. They are quieter than a tumble dryer, so you can just set it up in the kitchen before bed and it's dry when you are back down.

You know what op yanbu at all. Your dh clearly doesn't get the pressure you are under, but have you actually told him, listed it all out, made him understand how you feel?

I think first speak to him at length, and then have a family meeting including the kids 1) explaining that you are doing an unfair amount and the new chore system including laundry and 2) explaining to them the trade offs of the choice - would they rather more time with mum and doing free activities plus a camping holiday (they may jump at the chance) or are their activities passions they don't want to give up? They're old enough to have a part in the decisions you all make too.

I think in your shoes I'd stick to my original plan - after all it sounds like you want to be with your children more and you'll be okay financially, just not have a lot of flex. But you do need to sort the housework all falling on you - as a first step I would get the entire family on board with doing the kondo Marie, and go from there, if you haven't already. It sounds in particular like the clothes are an issue - life is easier with less stuff!

Good luck

I've copied that list ABC. It's silly really, all of these things are common sense aren't they. I am probably not at my optimum either with my parents not being at their optimum plus my own feelings around our loss.

I am going to deal with the washing (delegating to DC), batch cooking (delegating to DH) and crack on.

TheABC I love your post, thank you for that!

“I've copied that list ABC. It's silly really, all of these things are common sense aren't they. I am probably not at my optimum either with my parents not being at their optimum plus my own feelings around our loss.”

But you’re feeling overwhelmed so common sense is the thing that goes. It’s easy when you’re not stressed to think of these things. When you are though it feels impossible x

If my DH was doing little as yours (he’s the lower earner too) I would be withholding my salary. He needs to be making more of an effort with everything - as the higher earner it should not be on you to stress over the everyday to do with housework and kids. That is most definitely your DH’s job

Wow. At no point did the OP say that her Dh Worked fewer hours than her. I can imagine the uproar if a woman was told she should do more in the home because she earns less. So by your logic I should do more housework than DH simply because he earns more than me, even though we work the same number of hours and he doesn't have the 1hr each way that I do. Nice, regressive thinking there.
And indeed the OP clarifies later than he actually works longer than she does.

Your life doesn't seem to be any different from anyone else's with a family and 2 working parent's, apart from you need study time, myself and my late partner both worked full time with 3 kid's, i never let the washing pile up, kitchen was alway's tidyed up after dinner, bathroom was kept clean, kid's looked after there own bedroom's, bed linen was changed every week, late partner worked shift's so wasn't alway's there to help, he did do the weekly shop on a Friday morning or late afternoon depending on his shift, i used to do a lot of batch cooking to put in the freezer or put the slow cooker on in the morning, i alway's had a few hour's to relax in the evening, if you can afford a cleaner good, otherwise its down to being organised yes it's tiring but that's family life.

Omg @TheABC has got life sorted. I needed to read this as I have conquered a lot of this already but needed to see it written down to fully take it in. You are the woman I am striving to be ABC!

OP no joke recipe boxes have changed my life/diet and weight in a positive way. I've tried each company I.e Gousto, Hello Fresh etc introductory periods then I've carried on with my favourite. Its £35 ish per week (sometimes I up it or down it) and it saves me a fortune. Yes batch cooking etc could also save me time and money but I dont have the mental capacity or time to do this so recipe boxes saved me from always popping into tesco for some more shit food or ordering takeaways.

OP one thing immediately jumps put at me - fussy eating and takeaways. If you stopped getting takeaways this money could be spent on a cleaner

I genuinely don't feel that he doesn't pull his weight, though I can see where he could contribute more like with the batch cooking which would be a win win for us both.

@happyhillock well whoopdy do for you 🙄 theres always one that has to say "I'm perfect why cant you just be perfect to" not everyones minds can take the mental load of family life without a few tweaks. Dont be rude.

peg out before bed to dry

It'll get darked on!

@sneakypinky dont forget the spider willys too.

What theAbc said with giant bells on. Since DH is the fussy one and happy to cook, get him to double portions from now on, either for the freezer or just to eat the next day.

I don’t agree with trying Gousto etc in your circumstances - I like them but it can become yet another chore when you can either batch cook or buy cheaper ready meals.

Happy, you are right, it is no different to everyone else. I guess he perception or message as your kids are growing up is that the early years are hard and a juggle (which they are), but I am finding now hard in different ways. If my teen has been a grumpy teen for a few days (he is largely lovely) then if he comes to me and suggests a boardgame/netflix together then I take that opportunity which also probably feeds in to not getting everything done, because I am prioritising that. There are some great suggestions here and I am going to crack on with them.

What TheABC said.
You need to delegate more and I wouod include your dcs into that.

As a rule, women tend to underestimate how much housework they do and men tend to overestimate. So I’m guessing that, even if your DH is ‘pulling his weight’ he still isn’t doing 50% of all the work involved in running the home.

As he also had agreed to the training, one that you have been building up for the last 10 years, I think it’s a bit rich for him to then say NO you are ‘allowed’ to ‘only’ reduce your hours wo proposing any further help so you can manage even more work.
He isnt the one who can tell you what you can or what you can’t do work/training wise either.

I have to say I’m not feeling the meal boxes either (and we do use them) I don’t think they’d be great for fussy eaters and a lot of the meals are quite time consuming (30-45 mins)

I think you might be better off doing a few weeks meals and rotating them, quick/ re heatable ones for activity evenings and then you can also include things you can double up on and freeze when you have more time

Im obviously missing something with the laundry - why isnt a load put on every night - its not exactly a time consuming job - someone can peg out or hang on a clothes horse over night. Stuff dries within 8-10 hours regardless of the time of year.

@essentialhummus

She doesn't really have time/headspace/back up from DH for batch cooking and ready meals are full of shit she may as well stick with takeaways. Recipe boxes are completely cooking from scratch every night they're fantastic make you eat much better. Anyway just my opinion but ready meals are not a good alternative.

You may need to check to see if your PHD contract allows PT work. Eg if you’re talking about something like clinical psychology (which you may or may not be) I’m pretty sure they were strict about extra work.

Your dh expecting you to pay for the cleaner is NOT ON and you need to tell him that. Cleaner communal areas is a communal expense!

Hire a cleaner op - don't ask permission - and say you expect him to contribute.

Your DH should definitely be batch cooking on his day off.

I recommend Flylady for home organisation (but you may favour one of the many other housekeeping system apps available on-line). Ignore the saccharine language and the clunky website - the underlying system is good - and encourages short bursts of focused activity every day, leaving your weekends clear to focus on the DC. Get your DH and the DC involved.

Can you somehow allocate Mon, Wed and Fri evenings (or early mornings in your dh's case) for you/your DH to spend 40 mins to one hour with each of your DC so they each get regular individual attention once a week without fail.

Take a fortnight or a month and write every single task you do down - however small. Divide them in to daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, twice annual and annual tasks. Then discuss this list with your DH and divide it all up between you according to your work hours. You need to tell him you are struggling and that you must both pick up the slack while you study. Why is he the one making these decisions about whether you work or not. Surely this is a joint decision?

Good luck!

Fucking hell op I'm stressed just reading about your life. You desperately need to drop stuff (e.g. DC activities), delegate stuff (to DC's, they are old enough), outsource stuff (paid help) and reset expectations (for everyone, you can't be there as much as you'd like in an ideal world for your parents AND DH AND dc and work and yourself.. you're going to break down over time).

If you're serious about protecting your study, which you should be after the time invested... You need to make fundamental changes.

Tell people what you can give them, and stick to those boundaries. That includes DC and parents!

You are being crushed by the generation above, crushed by raising three DC, and crushed from the sides by a DH with free time (do you have any free time? No? Why is that?)...

On airplanes they tell you to put on your air mask first. You won't be of use to anyone if you go on like this.

I work full time in the emergency services as does DH. I also have a lot of outside commitments - cake business, brownies and PTA. DD has lots of activities and on top of this DH has a gardening business on top of work. We are a whirlwind of activity lol. The following has helped me:

1. I have a monthly rotation of meals which is 3 x 10 day menus. Because of our shifts (24/7 365 days pattern) lot of meals have to be transportable. The menu literally covers every single meal for the month including snacks. I have shopping lists for every meal plan. It took ages but the time investment was worth it as it has really cut down waste, spending and the time I used to take thinking about food.
2. 1 batch of washing a day
3. DD does prep at school although she is private so this may not be an option for you. When she is at home she doesn't have to do anything
4. decluttering ruthlessly

The answer is you DO NOT get on top of everything. You DELEGATE. Repeat, delegate. How do you think big bosses do their jobs with lots of responsibility? They don’t do everything their role intakes. They build up a team who do the majority of their job for them, the boss only steers, oversees and encourages. This is how people don’t burn out and stay at the top for decades. I have seen this so many times.

Us, mothers, so miss the trick on that one.