to ask for help in managing work, home and older DC

[MercedesDeMonteChristo]

I am feeling really stressed at the moment with all the juggling. I work in a broadly stressful support role at a high level which is relentless but have an incredible boss who is understanding of my other commitments and I can largely WFH whenever I need to (but I try to limit to 1 day per week at most). After a bereavement I am now the only child with my parents who are still quite young but having a very hard time and leaning on me a lot and I want to be there for them. Three DC aged between 8-13 who have lots of activities, playdates, meet ups, homework, angst, drama which take time and emotional energy. Not very good at cooking with quite a fussy family - with the DC I just offer toast/cereal if they won't eat but DH will buy pizza or another take away (which he will also buy for them), this happens a lot. I spend an entire day every single weekend washing clothes, i barely do any other housework as there just doesn't seem time. DH does pull his weight, he will always cook on his days off, usually enough for a couple of days and I never have to hoover, sweep or mop as he does this. He also ships kids around a bit as he drives but I have to organise etc.

I am due to start some intense studying later in the year and the agreement had been that I would be able to give up my day job when this happened, but now DH doesn't want me to, but is supportive of less hours. This is pivotal as it is career change and I have been working towards this for 10 years so it is not just for fun and I am being remunerated to do it (so hours working outside of this can only be very limited).

I have never had the inclination to be a SAHP before but I just feel like I am fire-fighting all of the time and the DC need so much more input (or perhaps different input), with all the emotions, stresses, homework.

I earn about £10k more than DH so if I was to give up work to be there more, we could probably survive - but that is it. All the extra activites the DC do would have to go, no holidays, no savings etc. If anyone gave up it would be him, but he would not want to and he doesn't see/understand the level of organisation etc that life takes, even though I involve him and he takes part.

I just don't really see people talking about the stresses and juggling of having older children and I just feel like I am totally failing and something needs to give.

Not quite sure what my AIBU is but please tell me others feel like this sometimes too. And how do you manage it?

@happyhillock yawn. How great are you to have your life sorted and be happy to make everyone else feels shit because they don’t

@MercedesDeMonteChristo, fwiw you are not the only one to feel overwhelmed. And there is a good reason for that. Women are asked to the same shit they used to do (run the home etc etc) whilst also having a full time demanding job, the type of job a man would then expect support form his dwife ‘as he is under so much pressure’ that he surely can’t also be expected to do more than ‘help’ in the house.

If that helps, have a look at the Eisenhower matrix. It’s usually used a productivity matrix but I think it’s also great to think about what you do in the house, and ‘force you’ to look at what you need to delegate/what doesn’t need to be done (and out yourself an your needs first at least some of the time)

Also agree with the suggestion that you take some time to carry a notebook tolog what you're doing on an average week. Show your DH and DC and parents. I doubt that they understand a third of what you're doing. Tell them this cannot continue and what you can do, everyone else will need to pick up slack or (maybe not a bad thing...) Stuff simply will start to slip.

After reading all your answers, additionally to your previous post, I still struggle to understand what you actually want.

You job is stressfull ... okay, I get that, that's hard, but you plan to quitting it anyway.
You want to do your PhD, which is great, but your husband suddenly wants you to keep working as well ... well, you apparently talked about it earlier, since you worked towards starting your PhD, so he'll just have to live with it. Unless you want to continue working part-time, of course.
Your life at home is exhausting ... and this is the part I REALLY don't get. Why? What makes it so hard? Your husband does the cleaning, most of the cooking and drives the kids around. Your parents help out with the kids. You say your children do help and take responsibility. Laundry really doesn't need to take a whole day every week and also this can be done pretty independently by your children during the week.
So what is it the problem when it comes to your home and your children?

I don't mean to be rude or cendescending, it case it comes across like it, I seriously struggle to understand.

My youngest ds is 14, this weekend without being asked he stripped and made his bed, done 2 loads of washing, dusted and hoovered his room and cleaned the bathroom. He also cooks a few evenings a week, only easy stuff- a lasagne, Jacket potato, salad and chicken, chilli, burn does it for everyone.

What I’m saying is- your dc can start doing things now- it doesn’t all fall to you! Plus it’s good activities of daily living for them to learn how to do!

Meant to add the Flylady system recommends doing one whole load of laundry from beginning to end once a day. And if you can afford it op, and have the space, I recommend having two washing machines (one good one, one cheapo) which speeds things up no end as most tumble driers can take two wm loads of laundry at once.

Wrt meals : definitely batch cook (or get your DH to do so) and encourage your DC to cook one meal a week perhaps? I recommend the DK children's cook books which are excellent and cover all the basic techniques.

A good tip is to "cook once and serve twice" eg chicken or fish with trays of roasted vegetables one night. Extra/leftover roasted vegetables blended to make a pasta sauce the next day. Roast cut of pork or two small chickens one night with frozen veg, shredded cold meat served with noodles and veg (sweetcorn and sugar snap peas) and stock next night.

Tray bake recipes are excellent and quick with sausages, chicken pieces or fish , each with a variety of veg. Mary Berry does some good ones!

YY to two washing machines. I have had this set up for 6 years now and will never go back to one. It means you can do it in half the time!!

When one of my machines broke down, it nearly broke me, too. All I did was laundry, day in, day out. Now I can have a laundry free week if it is raining and then do the whole lot in a day (two max). It is definitely worth the expense to me.

Im obviously missing something with the laundry - why isnt a load put on every night - its not exactly a time consuming job - someone can peg out or hang on a clothes horse over night. Stuff dries within 8-10 hours regardless of the time of year.

Part of this is because we live in a flat and the tumble is noisy. Our flat is one of those that does not actually dry clothes very easily and whilst we have ample space for us/our things etc we lack any spare space for things like clothes horses which would result in clothes (possibly less than a full load) drying for approx 2 days in full view (not the end of the world but not ideal). I do think though that on days I can get home by 6pm that one load is doable, plus a load on DH day off which means we can focus on the beds etc at the weekend.

Tbh, your DH could do several loads on his midweek day off. The heated rack if you could find a space for it is also a time and energy saver.
I agree with the pps that said a cleaner comes from communal money, its not all your mess so it's not all down to you to either clean it or to pay for it.
You sound like a lovely mum who is happy to prioritise the kids which is really important for them so don't run yourself into the ground doing the other shit too

We live in a flat and have an airer which lifts into the hall ceiling, it is great for drying things.

Glad to be of service.
Good luck and don't give up on your dream for everyone else.

I don’t think your DH is doing anywhere near 50% of your household work. When he hoovers and mops, is he having to tidy everything away to do it or are you doing all that for him? Why does he only cook 2/7 days? Who does the school and life admin? Your comment about you earning more but having to pay out more - do you get equal spending money for you both (not for you to spend on DC out of your portion)? Why would DH not be willing to pay for a cleaner if it lessens the load on you both - then he can do more cooking, clothes washing, admin - you can share equally so you both have less to do.

@TheABC for the new prime minister
PP have covered it all really: it’s down to the organisation. Quite boring to do things according to a schedule (laundry, grocery shopping, school/household admin) but it’s the only way to keep everything ticking over.
I even have a scheduled time in the week to make the family weekly schedule whiteboard thing. Ridiculous, I know!

Op I still think you're missing the bigger battle here.

As the higher earning partner, your set-up shouldn't rely on you being home by 6pm. In most families that's not even workable anyway... Most people I know are still commuting at 6 if they work in a stable office job, and that's assuming you're in a role where it's possible to leave on the dot at 5 or 5.30 (which I have never seen in my industry... Salary staff just have a workload and you're expected to do it, unfortunately - people leaving on the dot at their contracted hours would either be performance managed out or never be considered for perks or promotion, as crap as it is).

Your biggest problems involve DC not doing a chunk of the family work, your partner not pulling his weight, the parents relying on you too much.

None 9f those can be fixed just by getting home by 6pm every night. And it begs the question still... How many minutes or hours of free you time do you get every week? How long does your DH? If it's not the same, time to make changes..?

Put it another way, actually...
I can't remember the last time a male colleague, friend or relative who was the higher earner stressing about getting home by 6pm to start housework. There needs to be a balance between what you work and the domestic setup. At the moment the op has the worst of all worlds.

The money thing is a long story I won't bore you with, but essentially we have our own salaries paid into our own bank accounts. I cover rent and kids related stuff, so trips, activities etc. He covers council tax and all utility bills and food shopping.

When he got his new working hours he didn't want the kids to have packed lunch anymore and there were additional after school club costs plus breakfast club and he was supposed to cover those as it was his choice - but I have realised that I have been covering those too. He will also cover things like uniform, clothes, haircuts when they come up.

I have suggested that we both contribute 50% of our salary to the joint account to cover all communal expenses, including clubs and trips, but he didn't really go for it. I'll go back to this.

Op - does your wm have a timer? They are so useful.

If it does, sort the load to come on very early in the morning so you can hang it up to dry or TD before you go to work, or to go on during the day so that it will finish as you arrive home and you (or preferably someone else!) can hang it up or dry it straightaway.

Agree with pp that it's rare to see a bloke dashing back home to do housework, although occasionally some do dash off to collect DC.

I used to work in a mixed office and it was honestly gob-smacking how many women spent their lunch time rushing out to buy something related to DC, or to collect dry cleaning or prescriptions, or an item of food shopping or some such, lugging bags about! The men always seemed to walk freely without the burden of bags!

DH clearly isn't doing his fair share is he? Since he is fine nad oyu are run ragged?

Life IS busy when you have 3 children. That is 3 lots of people wanting and needing your time and support.

Parents- set some boundaries.

It would be cheaper to buy in help e.g. cleaner than give up work!
Get at least 3h cleaning a week and that will take the load off you.
If you stretch to 2 days of 3h then you can basically forget about housework.

Get the kids more involved e.g. on a Saturday morning everyone strips their beds (help the youngest if needed, or they can buddy up to help each other) and brings their bedding down. Everyone remakes their beds with fresh bedding.

Meal plan. Come up with a 14 day menu with the entire family that everyone will eat, maybe with one easy alternative if needed on some days. Include some easy options for the busy days.

Make sure all the kids are having school dinners.

Part of this is because we live in a flat and the tumble is noisy. Our flat is one of those that does not actually dry clothes very easily and whilst we have ample space for us/our things etc we lack any spare space for things like clothes horses which would result in clothes (possibly less than a full load) drying for approx 2 days in full view (not the end of the world but not ideal). I do think though that on days I can get home by 6pm that one load is doable, plus a load on DH day off which means we can focus on the beds etc at the weekend.

So you can put the WM on on a timer when you leave for work. It is ready when you come home. Pop it straight in the TD.

I can't remember the last time a male colleague, friend or relative who was the higher earner stressing about getting home by 6pm to start housework. There needs to be a balance between what you work and the domestic setup. At the moment the op has the worst of all worlds.

^this

Your financial set up is shit as well. You can't keep things so separate when you have joint children.

I totally agree with the financial set up being shit.

I also wonder how much of the ferrying around your DH does for the dcs....

I suspect you need a nice list with all the stuff that needs to be done and look at who does what. At least for yourself, to see how much you are actually doing (and see how much your DH is doing - as pointed out I’m sure you’ll find you are doing much more than he does).

And YY about the finances too. Why is it that things he is changing become yours to pay for but a cleaner (that will remove a big chunk out of HIS workload is yours?? )

If you can afford it get a cleaner and if they will take washing out as well then thats even better. Pop load on in the morning, they take it out.

Cooking-batch cooking-your dh needs to do this on the days he cooks so for example today I'm a huge bolognese- a bride tea tonight and then the rest I will make into s lasagne for Thursday. Tomorrow I will similarly make curry and freeze some for next week and so on. It's two week meal plans and a takes some initial thinking about but fairly quickly becomes habit.

If dh doesn't want you to drop hours how he is saying he will further help. I know how stressful it all is-in different ways to when the kids are tiny. Definitely emotionally. I used to be on the go all the time when they were lite but it was more physical stress than mental
Lode as it is now mine are teens. So I do hear you and sympathise.

I think you’ve got to that moment when you realise your set up with DH is unfair - on you.

I had that lightbulb moment too. You carry on and do more and more, think you’ll sort out the money situation one day. Then suddenly you realise this is it - if you don’t do something different now, you’re going to drive yourself into the ground trying to do it all.

You thought there was respite coming up, but DH has effectively ruined that by expecting you to do a PT job aswell as the PHD and all the household tasks you do (apart from the hoover and mop).

Your feelings are perfectly natural in this situation - anyone would feel overwhelmed.

What matters now is what you can do about it. I’d start with a frank conversation with DH about how you work on this in partnership. Everything - work, study, DC, housework, finances - has to be included in this.

When he got his new working hours he didn't want the kids to have packed lunch anymore and there were additional after school club costs plus breakfast club and he was supposed to cover those as it was his choice - but I have realised that I have been covering those too.

Makes the discussion about paying for a cleaner easy.

He takes over paying for lunch / school club costs as he said he would, and you pay for a cleaner.

If he says he would be willing to do the cleaning instead of paying for one, suggest he uses that time to do his batch cooking and a load of laundry.