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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Please help me.

52 replies

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 08:34

I feel like I need to vent all of this before I honestly do something stupid.
So here goes.
This time last year I was 20 weeks pregnant with my partner of 4 years. I already have an 8 year old son. I live 100 miles away from my parter at this point I have my own house (rented) I was working part time and had all my family closet by.
Fast forward to now...

I moved last November to my partners brought house ( he pays the mortgage) I left everything.
Iv had his baby, iv moved and changed not only my life but my sons also! And all I get told is how LAZY I am! I clean this home every single day. He does work so many hours during the week and he is extremely tired but he will go to work and come home and basically tell me he's not doing anything with the baby tonight.
Our little girl in 7 months today and things have gone completely bad to worse!
Today I felt like I wanted to hit him and hurt my partner, literally smash his head into a wall or something!
He's been working away all week in lovely hotels and not been getting up until 8am! When iv been up at 5 with the baby! Then this morning he wakes me to tell me he's not getting up and he's been at work all week!
We start rowing again infront of my kids at 6am about who's more tired!! And yes he's been working but atleast he has had a wee without a baby crying at him he's had a whole night sleep without a baby waking him up! He gets to eat breakfast and have a shower while I look after the baby! Something iv not had for 7 months! Not once in 7 months has he asked me if I want to have a bath while he watches her or have a little nap!
But now he's using money to put me down even more!
I literally don't have an income at all he earns really good money so we don't get any help so everything I need or my children need has to go through him and this morning in our row he called me a tramp. I had an interview for a job last week and he went mad when I mentioned it and said "who's going to look after he kids" so I didn't even go to it. He told me I don't bath enough 😩 Like I don't already know🤣 I have two children, a house to run, a mile walk to the school and a mile back again (I can't even find time for a driving lesson)
I feel like iv gave my parter every bit of my soul, my whole life was left behind for him and now I'm lazy or stinky or a tramp for not having money when I literally can not work!
I feel so unimportant to life, I feel so ashamed of moveing in with him and giving him this control I trusted him basically with my life and he's literally just had a baby with me and left me in his house to rot and abuse I feel so sad all the time!
I went to the doctors last week and told them about the way I feel and he put me on antidepressants but that makes me feel so ashamed!
Has anybody been in this situation before and how did they get out of it!
I do love my partner but he expect me to be a 1940 housewife and that's just not me expecially when he's mentally absuing me on top of it all.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2019 08:37

Can you move back and stay with family while you look for somewhere? You need to get away from your dp, he sounds like a knob.

IHeartKingThistle · 14/07/2019 08:38

Oh God, go back to your family. He's not going to change.

BlueSuffragette · 14/07/2019 08:42

Say you're going to stay with your parents for a weeks holiday. When there have a good think about how you feel. If you feel sad, disappointed etc rather than excited about returning to DP you have your answer. I think you ready know but this holiday will confirm it for you.

MissMogwai · 14/07/2019 08:46

You need to get yourself and your kids out. It sounds awful.

As a pp said, go for a holiday to your family and have a think about what you want. It will be hard to upsticks and leave but however hard it is, your life will be so much better.

Imagine spending another year, five years, ten years like this? That's not a life is it.

ThatUsedToBeMyName · 14/07/2019 08:46

You recognise he is abusive so now is the time for you to leave before you start believing that you really are dirty and useless and lazy as he tells you you are. He will continue to tell you until you do.

Please move back to your family and start to rebuild your life without this nasty, toxic man. Now is the time. I am sure your family and friends will welcome you back. I bet they have been worried about you.

Please, get in touch with them today.

Original poster

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 08:48

Thank you so much everyone 💜

OP posts:

NoSauce · 14/07/2019 08:49

These threads come up so many times on MN. They are desperately sad. Some men are bastards. Time for an ultimatum, he either has a 100% turnaround in every aspect of your life or you tell him it’s over.

You don’t want to spend the rest of your life living like this do you OP?

I highly doubt he will change. How feasible is it to move back? Are your parents supportive?

Original poster

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 08:49

Sorry iv posted that twice now 🙄 (What a morning 😩)
Yes I can get away but the only thing that has been keeping me here is my sons school. He knows how much I hate him having time off school as his health is never on his side and has bad asthma. I'm so glad my son brakes up from school on Friday. I literally want to pack everything up right now but without a penny income makes me feel like I'm in a black hole. My maternity ran out a few months ago which wasn't very much anyway. I just feel like such a failure! Moving my sons school my job I changed everything for him and now it seems like I'll be going back to where my family live and they will have to pay for everything including me a new home. It's so embarrassing I'm so ashamed of myself. And the way he makes me feel like 1000s of women look after baby's! And yes they do but not completely alone with no family what so ever around. I'm literally questioning myself am I being a crazy phyco B Because it feels that way, but then I think it's how he's making me feel

OP posts:

Mishappening · 14/07/2019 08:54

First and foremost do NOT feel ashamed - either about the anti-depressants or about your situation.

Get out as soon as term ends and free yourself from this man who is clearly not what you deserve.

It will be a bit chaotic for a while, but truly your life will settle down in time and you will be able to live the life that you want free from his unacceptable behaviour and stranglehold on your life.

You can do this.

Tooner · 14/07/2019 08:58

Please just pack your things and get out. Now is the perfect opportunity to get away with it being the long school holidays. Your family wouldn't want you living this hell and I'm sure they will support you.
You are not being crazy you are being seriously abused by that bastard of a man. Do it for yourself and your children.

BlueSuffragette · 14/07/2019 09:00

Your mum will probably be relieved and delighted to help if you open up and tell her what's been going on. Don't feel ashamed. You've got the whole summer holiday when your son doesn't need to be in school. This week call his old school and see if can have his place back starting in September. Good luck.

Shoxfordian · 14/07/2019 09:05

If you have parents who will support you then go back to them. Tell them all about it and they'll want to look after you, not judge you. Go back to your Mum, be strong and leave him.

Original poster

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 09:07

My family have been trying to get me out for a while now💜 To the point he's fell out with my mum already as she has had to pick me up over the past few months after major rows (him saying he was going to Finnish with me but I told him I was pregnant) my mom was raging about that.
10 days after birth he said that to me. I should of left that day and not came back.)
His fell out with both my sisters because I phone them when we've been rowing because I have no one else to talk to. And my friends when they've also drove over to get me, he sees that like they've done it to get at him but really there just helping me. It's so embarrassing but I am going to leave and not come back iv made my mind up. The fact his had himself a nice bath this morning and got back into bed and I'm here like a run down crazy woman talking on MN has literally put the icing on the cake I HATE him!!x

OP posts:

Aikaterina · 14/07/2019 09:14

Just go to your family, think of what’s best for your children. It’s a distressing environment for them as well as you. Don’t wait until Friday. This man sounds horrendous.

Lllot5 · 14/07/2019 09:17

Go back to where you are loved.
Your son and daughter will thank you in the long run.
Go back home. There is nothing that can’t be sorted. Good luck

7yo7yo · 14/07/2019 09:19

Don’t tell him.
Wait till
He’s at work, pack your shit and go.
The rest can work itself out.

LakieLady · 14/07/2019 09:20

He's an arsehole. And an abusive one at that.

Take the baby and your son to visit family for a few days. That will give you some headspace to consider your options. If you decide you want to leave, you can start claiming benefits, looking for a job and childcare.

Or you can start considering what changes he needs to make if your relationship is to be one worth having, and discussing with him whether he's prepared to make those changes.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Original poster

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 09:24

He's not prepared to change at all. In his mind he goes to work I do absolutely everything and when I have anything to say I'm disgusting vile, smelly and trampy. I can't listen to another second of it. I could honestly end it all today but the thought of leaving my children with him is an obvious NO.
This is what he has done to me. I feel so low! Thank you for all your messages I'll update you all when I'm gone xx

OP posts:

Tooner · 14/07/2019 09:30

Well done for coming to the right decision, you are being very brave. Hope all goes well

DidUReallyJustSayThat · 14/07/2019 09:35

Wow he sounds like an utter bastard. You should collect your son from school on Friday and get straight to your parents. Don't feel ashamed. Your family and friends will understand if they know the truth and they will want to help you. Believe me, my friend was in exactly the same position as you and when she finally decided she had to leave her abusing partner it was like music to mine and her other friends ears and we helped her all we could. Good luck and be strong, you can do this.

notapizzaeater · 14/07/2019 09:37

There's nothing wrong in going home - he's shown his true colours - run away

supersop60 · 14/07/2019 09:41

He's awful. Just go.
Your family will help.
All the best, OP

Somersetlady · 14/07/2019 09:42

If you want your son to finish school this week then use that time to get yourself organised.

Does your 7month old nap?

If so you have time to get everything i. Order to make calls and organise alternative accomodation and help for yourself and tour children.

Good luck

Original poster

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 09:46

Thank you so much everyone! My sister is coming to get me on Friday.

Hopefully my partner is working away this week again. And I can be extremely lazy all week! Haha xx

OP posts:

Mishappening · 14/07/2019 09:50

Good news! Good luck!

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