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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please help me.

52 replies

Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 08:34

I feel like I need to vent all of this before I honestly do something stupid.
So here goes.
This time last year I was 20 weeks pregnant with my partner of 4 years. I already have an 8 year old son. I live 100 miles away from my parter at this point I have my own house (rented) I was working part time and had all my family closet by.
Fast forward to now...

I moved last November to my partners brought house ( he pays the mortgage) I left everything.
Iv had his baby, iv moved and changed not only my life but my sons also! And all I get told is how LAZY I am! I clean this home every single day. He does work so many hours during the week and he is extremely tired but he will go to work and come home and basically tell me he's not doing anything with the baby tonight.
Our little girl in 7 months today and things have gone completely bad to worse!
Today I felt like I wanted to hit him and hurt my partner, literally smash his head into a wall or something!
He's been working away all week in lovely hotels and not been getting up until 8am! When iv been up at 5 with the baby! Then this morning he wakes me to tell me he's not getting up and he's been at work all week!
We start rowing again infront of my kids at 6am about who's more tired!! And yes he's been working but atleast he has had a wee without a baby crying at him he's had a whole night sleep without a baby waking him up! He gets to eat breakfast and have a shower while I look after the baby! Something iv not had for 7 months! Not once in 7 months has he asked me if I want to have a bath while he watches her or have a little nap!
But now he's using money to put me down even more!
I literally don't have an income at all he earns really good money so we don't get any help so everything I need or my children need has to go through him and this morning in our row he called me a tramp. I had an interview for a job last week and he went mad when I mentioned it and said "who's going to look after he kids" so I didn't even go to it. He told me I don't bath enough 😩 Like I don't already know🤣 I have two children, a house to run, a mile walk to the school and a mile back again (I can't even find time for a driving lesson)
I feel like iv gave my parter every bit of my soul, my whole life was left behind for him and now I'm lazy or stinky or a tramp for not having money when I literally can not work!
I feel so unimportant to life, I feel so ashamed of moveing in with him and giving him this control I trusted him basically with my life and he's literally just had a baby with me and left me in his house to rot and abuse I feel so sad all the time!
I went to the doctors last week and told them about the way I feel and he put me on antidepressants but that makes me feel so ashamed!
Has anybody been in this situation before and how did they get out of it!
I do love my partner but he expect me to be a 1940 housewife and that's just not me expecially when he's mentally absuing me on top of it all.

OP posts:
Candymay · 14/07/2019 09:51

This can get better.
Don’t feel ashamed. Not for any of it.
Great that you went to the doctor. Great that you have put all of this in writing here and are getting lovely comments of support.
I think what you are describing is actually quite common- I don’t mean that you should just carry on, just that I think it’s quite often the case that the breadwinner- usually the male- will feel they are the only one who works and that the childcare and housework should just be done without a fuss.
If there is no partnership, love and support that sort of thing- then think about parting ways. You actually sound like a very lovely and capable young woman which is why I see a lot of positives here I feel you decide to move away. Can you go to family or friends for a while? Do you have a good support network anywhere?

Candymay · 14/07/2019 09:53

Sorry- didn’t read full thread! You’ve made a plan already- good luck with everything!

redexpat · 14/07/2019 09:57

Thats good news. That gives you a bit of time to collect your documents and things together.

Lllot5 · 14/07/2019 09:57

Good for you. Good luck

Singlenotsingle · 14/07/2019 10:04

And don't bother cleaning and tidying the house before you go. It's time he learnt how to do washing up, hoovering, emptying the bins etc . I'm glad your family is so supportive.

El0die · 14/07/2019 11:50

I'm so pleased you have decided to leave. It is absolutely the right decision. Use the time before the school holidays to quietly gather your stuff together- clothes, toys, documents etc.
Go back to your family who love and support you. Sort out school for September and then rebuild your life- you will be happy and calm without your partner's nastiness.
You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You tried something, it didn't work out. You gave it your best shot but your partner is the one who has behaved appallingly.

Original poster
Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 12:08

Hey guys after me sitting in my room with my baby for the morning he's came in for another row! Telling me if I take his daughter he will "destroy" me over Facebook. (Don't really know what that means) calling me a benifits scrounger because he knows that what situation I'll be in if I leave. I have always worked btw) part time. I really want to leave today... my son has had his end of year report with his attendance at 91%. Does anybody know if I can get finned if he's not in school for the next week. I literally can't stay here and argue around my kids it makes me feel sick with anxiety him not being in school though.x

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 14/07/2019 12:16

Just go. Don’t stay a minute longer than you need to. Fleeing DA is a very valid reason for missing a few days at the end of term.

Your family will be so relieved and the rest will somehow all fall into place as you recover. Come off FB if you need to. And perhaps someone should warn him that threats and abuse on SM are illegal.

Get everything you need together, he won’t cooperate if you leave stuff behind.

coconutpie · 14/07/2019 12:24

This is a very dangerous time right now for you OP. Don't engage anymore with him, don't tell him you're leaving unless you are actually leaving at that moment and your family are there in your presence to protect you if he lashes out. The school will not care about the last week of term - call up the principal this week once you are safe at home and explain that you were escaping a domestic abuse situation and you had to take your son out of school. They will totally understand. Call your family and ask them to come get you and your children today. Or if he is working tomorrow, arrange for your family to come to your house in the morning as soon as he has left for work and you can leave the house then without him being there.

darlingtwinklebum · 14/07/2019 12:25

Definitely just leave. Tell him you're taking the kids to the park and just don't go back. I'm sure one of your family can get you today.
Your stuff can be replaced. Please just leave this prick!

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2019 12:28

Leave as soon as you possibly can.

Is he working tomorrow? Could you leg it whilst he’s at work?

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2019 12:30

There is a link on this page - what to include in your safety packing list. You might find it useful x

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

ohfourfoxache · 14/07/2019 12:31

Benefits calculator

www.entitledto.co.uk/

ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 14/07/2019 12:31

He sounds like he's realised you're serious, and not only that you have the means to get out and stand on your own two feet. He's going to throw every insult and emotional blackmail tactic at you that he can to undermine how you're feeling and force you to stay. Get out as soon as you can.

Greenkit · 14/07/2019 12:32

Its domestic violence, the school will understand that you need to get away.

Pack up while he is at work tomorrow and go, don't look back.

Facebook, just close it, he can say what he wants, its all control

Knittedfairies · 14/07/2019 12:33

Leave. Leave right now; everything else can be sorted.

Drum2018 · 14/07/2019 12:36

How does he know you are thinking of leaving? Don't tell him anything.

sarahC40 · 14/07/2019 12:41

Leave. Schools are not going to go after a woman in emotional distress from domestic abuse. Get out of the situation right now.

Mishappening · 14/07/2019 12:48

How does he know you are thinking of leaving? Don't tell him anything This - I thought you were going to slip away when he went off to work. Have you told him you are leaving? - I do not think that is wise. It puts you at more risk.

Forget the whole school fining thing and quietly make your plans.

ErrmWTAF · 14/07/2019 12:53

Leave today if you want to.

Phone the police on your way out. Tell them you are fleeing domestic abuse (you are - financial, emotional and mental, from what you describe). Give them as much details as you like - don't hold back, minimise or feel like you're wasting anybody's time.

Talk to your health visitor, your GP again, local domestic abuse people. Talk to anybody (official) who will listen to you.

Sorry, but if he's threatening you re: your baby, you have to take this seriously. BUILD A PAPER TRAIL of his abuse - trust me, this will make it harder for him to call any shots later on when he's fighting custody. Do NOT rely on the fact that he's disinterested in family life fool you for a second - these assholes always want their children if they can control you that way. Also, having this paper trail will help in so many ways - benefits, legal aid, getting counselling for both you and DS (he will surely have been affected by this!).

If I were you, I would also consider going into a women's refuge. Even if you have family to help, it's sometimes better to spend at least a bit of time getting specialist support. Give it a ponder. There might be a shelter near your family, where you'll be safe, but still able to see loved ones when you want to.

Original poster
Elsie240L · 14/07/2019 12:54

I haven't said it to him no, I think it's because he knows the school Holliday are coming up and I think deep down he knows I'm only here until then. And most likely he will be working away this week and I'm going to slip off then.x

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 14/07/2019 13:02

His fell out with both my sisters because I phone them when we've been rowing because I have no one else to talk to. And my friends when they've also drove over to get me, he sees that like they've done it to get at him but really there just helping me.

Yup. Standard exceprt from The Coercive Controllers' Handbook: he has isolated you & gets pissed off if any of your network offer you support.

Stay strong Elise - you NED your family & friends about you ... not having them around you has contributed to your feelings of depression & (totally unnecessary) shame. YOU have done nothing to be ashamed of. Am so glad you are leaving - well done.
Welcome to your new life, without this drain on your emotions who is revelling in making you feel so badly about yourself.

LadyMinerva · 14/07/2019 13:02

You have to leave at the very first opportunity you get. It will be the absolute best thing you can do for yourself and your children.

You can do it while he is there if you have a group of people (family, friends) that can come and get you. Abusers like him only pick targets that they think are weak. If he is outnumbered he will cower in a corner. I spent 5 years with one and did irreparable damage to my son in the process. They are cowards.

I promise you that within 12 months after leaving you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

mussolini9 · 14/07/2019 13:02

NEED not NED, Elsie!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 14/07/2019 13:25

This sounds like it is escalating and could be dangerous.
Lie and say anything you think will calm him down for the time being. Do NOT engage in any more arguments with him today - just make your plans. If you can try to act as normal as possible.
If things take a turn for the worse, try as others say to take the kids for a walk in the park and call someone for help or lock yourself and kids in the loo and call the police. Luckily you have family and friends who will help you so you know you are not alone. Very best of luck x